Other Character Email Gunhaver/Thief 2 Remake
From Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki
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Summary
Shim-Sham-Sam decides to remake one of the worst GEmails ever written, Thief 2. After changing some plots, here is the mess.
Cast (in order of appearance): Shim-Sham-Sam, Gunhaver, Police Cheats, Camera Cheats, Interview Cheats, Nerds, Geeks, NAGSI Professor, NAGSI pupils, Blue Laser, Blue Laser minion, Silent Rip, Fightgar
Lines: 159
Page Title: Compy 1286 Professor Mainframe 6573
Transcript
{Cut to a dark room with a desk, an overturned chair, a bunch of candy wrappers on the floor, a spilt bottle of Koke soda, and cigarette butts. On the desk is a blue laptop computer labelled "Compy 1286". After a few seconds, a light switch is turned on as Shim-Sham-Sam walks into the room and disdainfully looks at the mess in the room.}
SHIM-SHAM-SAM: Look at this room! Just look at this! It's a PIGSTY! I've GOT to stop having Pig take care of my house while I'm away.
{Shim-Sham-Sam gets out a remote control and presses a button to make all of the mess magically disappear.}
SHIM-SHAM-SAM: I mean, it's a waste of nonexistant, but convenient energy! {pause} Now to waste time.
{Shim-Sham-Sam sits on the chair (no longer overturned) in front of the Compy.}
SHIM-SHAM-SAM: Compy, bring up my to-do list!
{The following pops up on the Compy's screen.}
Your Agenda - Screensavers Equal Beauty Sleep Bucko!1. Make the remakes for the following emails (note: these are just some of the emails, not all of them):
- thief 2
- Rock opera
- Virus
- First Episode
2. Finish the 13th SSSemails_are_Cool.exe email?
Click here for the rest.
3. Work on GEmail #76
4. Work on having the qualities of a sysop
5. Work on the 10th blog entry for Astromund's Blog.
SHIM-SHAM-SAM: Let's see. Number one. {mumbles} Ever heard of the saying, "Don't live in the past" or something like that? Number two. {mumbles} Screw that WUE! Nobody likes it! And I have no intention of continuing it! Number 3. {mumbles} Oh. DEFINITELY! I'll get started on that right now!
{Shim-Sham-Sam clears the screen without reading the rest of the list and begins typing.}
SHIM-SHAM-SAM: ==Summary==, Gunhaver {long beep as Shim-Sham-Sam types the summary}. '''Cast (in order of appearance):''' [[HRWiki:Gunhaver|]], [[GEmail Characters/Alpha Stan|Alpha Stan]],. I'll put in more later. Anyway, ==Transcript==, ''{Cut to...
{Suddenly, this message appears below Shim-Sham-Sam's work. The following shows what's on the screen right now.}
==Summary==
Gunhaver **********************************
Cast (in order of appearance): Gunhaver, Alpha Stan,
==Transcript==
{Cut to
Shim-Sham-Sam, I think you need to do the remakes of the bad GEmails, because they suck and ruin reputations.
SHIM-SHAM-SAM: No.
Fine. Then I will just explain to the
public why there are cigarette butts
on the floor.
SHIM-SHAM-SAM: You wouldn't dare! {holds out sheets of paper} I mean, I have 167654% definite proof that there is a guy named Pig Sty who smokes. But since I'm wasting time here, I'll just do what you want to do: remake the worst email I made, thief 2. But Gunhaver's in Retroville at that time. Remaking this email means remaking the plot. Oh well!
{Cut to this.}
Previously on Gunhaver Email...
{Cut to Gunhaver in front of the Delta 1001, shouting angrily while typing in gibberish.}
GUNHAVER: ...AND THERE'S MORE!!! SPACE IS...
{When a narrator talks, Gunhaver is inaudible.}
NARRATOR: In the email Retro Space, Gunhaver, having received a sbemail copy of the email answered in "best thing", referenced "Limozeen: But They're In Space" before insulting retro stuff space.
{Cut to Gunhaver and two police Cheats walking through a massive crowd of Cheats with cameras and microphones. Cut to Gunhaver being escorted by the police Cheats to a large, white, sterile building that is labeled "NAGSI".}
NARRATOR: And so, Gunhaver was sent to a three-week imprisonment at the Nerds And Geeks Space Institutions, or NASGI... I mean, NAGSI, for short.
{The following scenes are what the narrator says.}
NARRATOR: So, Gunhaver was forced to suffer through nerdy and/or geeky classes, nerdy and/or geeky meetings, nerdy and/or geeky cafeteria food, tea time, dormitories, debate club, book club, poetry club, essay club, thinking club, boredom club, and backgammon.
{Cut to Gunhaver in a manic background with a manic and strained expression.}
NARRATOR: Will his suffering end soon? The answer is yes. This following episode takes place at his last day of his imprisonment at NASGI... I mean, NAGSI.
{Cut to Gunhaver in front of an old looking computer labeled the Professor Mainframe 6573.}
GUNHAVER: {mumbling} You think that nerds and geeks could at least make cooler computers? This sucks more than the Orange 02!
{Gunhaver types in "gunhaver_email.exe" to make the following email appear on the screen of the Professor Mainframe 6573. Gunhaver reads the email, not paying attention to the crossed out text.}
DearSSSGunhaver,
Has you ever stolen something?
-thatkidsam
GUNHAVER: {typing} Oh man! "Has you"??? No capitalization??? The inability to spell SOS correctly, which I did notice??? Practically the same email sent to me in email 19??? I hate to tell you this, but... I think you're a pretty fun guy. Now let's get to the point. {clears screen before typing} I steal stuff. I can steal stuff right now! {pause} Of course, there's nothing to steal. This worthless piece of crap is just that. A worthless piece of crap.
NASAL VOICE: {off-screen} Move it tardily, pupils! The shuttle is not going to be launched for another 12 hours, 32 minutes, 16 seconds, 55 milliseconds, 60 microseconds, 65 nanoseconds, 44 picoseconds, 27 femtoseconds, and 7 attoseconds.
{Gunhaver looks to his right, where a NAGSI professor is standing in front of NAGSI pupils, who are using remote controls to control a large hover-pad that has a space shuttle.}
NAGSI PUPIL: Still, efficiency is the key, just as you said 2 years, 4 months, 3 days...
{Cut to Gunhaver.}
GUNHAVER: You know what? The space shuttle looks tempting. I think I'll steal that space shuttle just to show people I can.
{Cut to outside the headquarters, where we can see various shots of Gunhaver trying to move the space shuttle on the hover-pad and failing. Cut to Gunhaver pushing a remote control in front of the space shuttle on the hover-pad, only to make the hoverpad explode and make the space shuttle fall a few feet without damaging itself.}
GUNHAVER: Oh crap. Why can't these self-proclaimed nerds and geeks make spaceships out of styrofoam?
{Suddenly, a light bulb appears over his head.}
GUNHAVER: Ah! I have... {looks up} a light bulb floating over my head.
{The light bulb falls onto Gunhaver's head, who throws the light bulb away.}
GUNHAVER: Anyway, I guess I can always steal a ride on the space shuttle! What do you think, rimshot man?
{A rimshot is heard.}
{Cut to inside the space shuttle, where Gunhaver walks to the control panel.}
GUNHAVER: Y'know, I think I'll ride this baby back to the Cheat Commandos Headquarters Playset, and perhaps fry Reynold's apartment on the way.
{Gunhaver randomly and absentmindedly presses the buttons on the control panel. Cut to the space shuttle outside the NAGSI HQ. The space shuttle instantly launches off, burning the NAGSI HQ down. Cut to inside the space shuttle, where Gunhaver is constantly bouncing off of the walls, floor, and ceiling because he didn't wear his seatbelt while launching off. Cut to space, where the space shuttle flies and slices through a Blue Laser satellite. Cut to Gunhaver, who gets himself into his seat.}
GUNHAVER: Whoa. Thank goodness for those conveniently placed trampolines on the walls, floor, and ceiling.
{Pan out to reveal that there are large trampolines on the walls, ceilings, and floor.}
GUNHAVER: I'm in space??? Check it out. I'm a space cowboy. {laughs weakly}
{Cut to Blue Laser and a Blue Laser minion in the Blue Laser HQ.}
BLUE LASER MINION: Sir. Another one of your destroyer satellites got pulverized by a stolen or hi-jacked space shuttle, sir.
BLUE LASER: OH CRAP! CURSH YOU NASGI... I MEAN, NAGSI! NEW MISSION! LET'S BURN THEIR HEADQUARTERS DOWN!
BLUE LASER MINION: It's already burned down, sir.
BLUE LASER: CRAP! THEN LET'S GO WATCH HOME MOVIES!
BLUE LASER MINION: We sold our TV years ago to buy that Legend of Zelda novelty cup, sir.
BLUE LASER: CRAP! I JUST THREW THAT AWAY! OH WELL! LET'S GET CHINESE TAKEOUT!
BLUE LASER MINION: None of us know how to eat with chopsticks, sir.
BLUE LASER: THEN LET'S GET TACOS!
BLUE LASER MINION: Mexican food makes me feel nervous, sir.
{Cut to Gunhaver in the space shuttle in space.}
GUNHAVER: Oh man! I don't know how to control this space shuttle, am bored, and can't cook popcorn! {pause} Is it just me, or is it getting hot in here? {looks at something in front of him} Oh no.
{Cut to reveal what Gunhaver's looking at through the front window, the sun.}
GUNHAVER: Man, how the heck did this space shuttle get to the sun so quickly? Well, I guess I can't worry about that now. I'll just worry about SAVING MY BUTT FROM BEING FRIED!!!
{Gunhaver randomly presses buttons in panic. Cut to outside the space shuttle, where a box labeled "Sun Survival Kit" is jettisoned from the shuttle. Cut to Gunhaver inside.}
GUNHAVER: Man, are geeks and nerds this suicidal?
{Pan right to reveal the sign that says the following.}
WARNING: THIS SPACE SHUTTLE IS INTENDED TO EXPERIMENT THE FIRST NERD AND GEEK FLOWN INTO THE SUN. IF YOU ARE IN THIS AND HEADING FOR THE SUN BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO STEAL THIS/A RIDE, THEN ADIEU FELLOW FOOL.
GUNHAVER: {off-screen} Why is it on the right instead of the left, since people read from left to right. That's common sense! {pause} I wish there are escape pods.
{Pan right to reveal this sign.}
ESCAPE POD: →
GUNHAVER: {off-screen} I JUST SAID I HATE READING FROM THE RIGHT! But that's convenient.
{Cut to space, where an escape pod launches off the space shuttle. Cut to Gunhaver inside the escape pod, relaxing on a chair.}
GUNHAVER: Aah! The space adventure was boring and all, but now I think that... oh crap! I misaimed the escaped pod before the launch!
{Cut to the escape pod, which flies right into the sun. Pan out to reveal that this was a video Gunhaver's showing to Fightgar and Silent Rip.}
GUNHAVER: And this shows why NAGSI should go DOWN!
{Fightgar and Silent Rip raise their fists in the air.}
FIGHTGAR: YEAH!
SILENT RIP: May I go to the bathroom?
GUNHAVER: {sternly} No!
{Pan out to reveal that this was another video played on a TV set next to the computer desk. Pan right to Gunhaver typing on the Delta 1001.}
GUNHAVER: {typing} And that, Tim, shows that I sometimes film my emails and watch them to see how cool they are.
{Pan out tl reveal that this was yet another video played on a TV set next to the computer desk. Pan right to Gunhaver typing on the Delta 1001.}
GUNHAVER: {typing} And that, Albert, shows why I think jokes shouldn't be used more than twice in a row.
{The Paper comes down, saying Click here to email Gunhaver at gunhaver@homestarrunner.com.}
Easter Egg
- Click on "jokes" to see a continuation of the Blue Laser and minion scene:
{Cut to Blue Laser talking to the Blue Laser minion.}
BLUE LASER: THEN LET'S GET SOME DANISH!
BLUE LASER MINION: Danish is for breakfast, and it's nighttime, sir.
BLUE LASER: THEN LET'S GET PIZZA!
BLUE LASER MINION: Pizza is favored by the Cheat Commandos, sir.
BLUE LASER: THEN LET'S PLAY VIDEO GAMES!
BLUE LASER MINION: You forbid us from playing video games, remember?
BLUE LASER: OH... YOU'RE FIRED!!!
BLUE LASER MINION: That's impossible, for if I'm fired, I, for some reason, spontaneously...
{Cut to the Blue Laser HQ, where an explosion can be heard as a part of a wall breaks open.}
BLUE LASER MINION: {from inside HQ} ...explode.
Fun Facts
- This email is a remake of thief 2.
- Koke soda is from Douglas.
- It is true that I haven't worked on my WUE and Astromund's Blog for some time, and that I don't have the qualities of being a sysop right now.
- This email shows the first part of my process of making a Gunhaver Email.
- The Retroville plot starts from email 20 and ends at email 23 (thief 2).
- NAGSI is an obvious parody of NASA.
- Click here to learn more about backgammon.
- A light bulb appearing over someone's head usually indicates that that person has an idea.
- Reynold does have an apartment. Click here to see.
- This is another instance of the conveniently placed trampolines running gag, although the running gag was started in email 25, Black Laser.
- Legend of Zelda is a Nintendo video game (as well as a series of video games).
- The classroom scene is from Dreamail and Bread.
- It actually does make sense for text to be on the right. Since most people read left to right, you would see the left side, and therefore the start, of the text first.
