Other Character Email Gunhaver/Ocean King
From Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki
Contents |
Summary
Gunhaver and Homsar continue to go on their quest in order to save the Old Lady's children, defeat the Ocean King, and get themselves free from the evil stimulation.
Cast (in order of appearance): Gunhaver, Homsar, Announcer, Beta Oyster, Jimmy, Max, Shadow, Gyro, Knight, Alpha Stan, Silent Rip (Easter Egg), Fightgar (Easter Egg)
Page Title: Final Reality
Lines: 273 Lines
Transcript
{Cut to Gunhaver and Homsar running across a desert. Adventurous music plays.}
ANNOUNCER: {voiceover} Over the last few days, Gunhaver and Homsar have been on an adventure to save the four children of an Old Lady (Frodo, Dodo, Jimmy, and Eco) to save Slightly-in-the-Middle Earth from further deterioration from the evil...
{Cut to the Ocean King/Beta Oyster standing in his castle.}
ANNOUNCER: ...Ocean King!
{Cut to various images of Gunhaver's and Homsar's adventures, which include Gunhaver and Homsar fighting a gigantic mantis made out of water, Gunhaver and Homsar shooting jets of water at their enemies, Gunhaver running to a cliff with a boy (supposedly Jimmy) hanging over a cliff with fire at the bottom, and Homsar shooting fire at a giant tornado.}
ANNOUNCER: Homsar and Gunhaver have been working hard in going to the four corners of Slightly-in-the-Middle Earth, going through difficult dungeons, fighting many enemies, fighting many bosses, getting new items, getting power-ups, and freeing the four children of the Old Lady!
{Cut to a large, dark castle in the middle of a multicolored ocean.}
ANNOUNCER: They are only minutes away from their final destination, the Ocean King's lair in the middle of the ocean, but first...
{Cut to Gunhaver and Homsar in a cave. They are at a dead end with inscriptions, a stalagmite, and a stalactite.}
ANNOUNCER: ...they have to deal with riddles in order to go on.
HOMSAR: Well, here is the last puzzle.
GUNHAVER: Isn't the level supposed to be finished after we kill the boss?
HOMSAR: Not this time. Now, {indicating inscription} let's read this and take on the final riddle. {reading} Sidekick, if thee destroy doth stalagmite, thee shall pass. If thee destroy doth stalactite, thee and thee partner shall die. {talking} Wow, this Old English sucks. I mean, "thee" and "doth" are used incorrectly!
GUNHAVER: {worried} Uh... this means I'm responsible for our lives, right?
HOMSAR: Well, if you destroy the stalagmite, and not the stalactite, then you will let us pass. If you destroy the stalactite, then we die.
GUNHAVER: So... is the stalagmite the ones that come from the ceiling?
{Homsar is about to open his mouth, when suddenly, he gets shocked by electricity. The words "HP -10" fly from Homsar.}
GUNHAVER: Well, that's very helpful. Maybe I should use that Occult item I got from the burning cliff.
HOMSAR: {sighs} How many times do I have to tell you? That thing will kill you. You'll lose HP when you give it to another person or enemy. It's useless in this situation.
{Cut to Max and Shadow on the laptop. Max is playing the game.}
MAX: Ugh... this is too freakin' hard! I don't know the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite! {moves the mouse and clicks on it} I'm going to GameQUACKs!
SHADOW: You can't.
MAX: Why not?
SHADOW: First of all, GameQUACKs sucks. All of the guides there are written by people who involunarily and lazily write the guides, so all guides are crap. Second of all, Final Reality is not a real video/computer game.
MAX: What???
SHADOW: It's actually a made-up stimulation made up by Beta Oyster that revoles around a computer that Beta Oyster is possessing right now. This gives Beta Oyster complete control over the stimulation.
MAX: That sounds temporarily reassuring, but how am I supposed to solve the riddle?
SHADOW: Check at Wikipedia. It holds all answers. It even has images!
{Cut to Gunhaver and Homsar in the cave with the stalagmite and stalactite. Gunhaver goes to the stalagmite and holds his hand out at the stalagmite. The words "Sidekick used Bubble Blast!" appear as Gunhaver shoots a large beam of bubbles at the stalagmite, depleting his MP meter by 1/5. Suddenly, the stalagmite turns to dust as the words "The stalagmite has been eroded!" appear. Suddenly, the wall with the inscription crumbles.}
HOMSAR: Nice job, Gunhaver! You solved the riddle without killing us both!
GUNHAVER: Actually, I think I got lucky. Anyway, let's go.
{Homsar and Gunhaver walk out of the cave through the new opening. They are amazed by what they're seeing.}
GUNHAVER: Wow. That is one freakin huge castle!
HOMSAR: That's one freakin' imposing background!
{Cut to the large, dark castle in the middle of a multicolored ocean. Homsar and Gunhaver run to the entrance. Cut to Arrowhaver watching this on the computer in the hallway in the Cheat Commandos HQ. Arrowhaver has very tired-looking eyes.}
ARROWHAVER: {yawns} Man! This is pretty long! I think I need a break! {yawns} I'm going to have a nap!
{Arrowhaver walks to the right and into a wall.}
ARROWHAVER: Whoa. I didn't see that coming. Anyway, to the door!
{Arrowhaver walks into the wall again.}
ARROWHAVER: Oh, where is the door? The entire, blurry wall looks the same! {pause} Meh, I'll just sleep here.
{Arrowhaver falls onto the floor and begins to sleep. Fade to black.}
{Cut to Gunhaver and Homsar walking into a new room through a wall.}
HOMSAR: Hmm... Who ever knew that the wall was invisible?
GUNHAVER: No one. It was just luck.
{Suddenly, Gyro appears in the foreground in front of Gunhaver and Homsar.}
GYRO: Hello heroes. I have been expecting you.
GUNHAVER: {shocked} Gyro??? What the crap are you doing here??? Aren't you supposed to be kidnapped?
{Cut to Gyro, walking to Gunhaver and Homsar. Gyro looks a bit disorganized, tired, and dirty. His clothes are in tatters, and the right lens of his glasses is broken.}
{Pan out to Shadow and Max watching the scene on Shadow's laptop.}
SHADOW: {angrily} What the crap? How did he get in there??? He's supposed to be making the Prototype!
{Cut back to Gyro talking to Gunhaver and Homsar.}
GYRO: Gunhaver! There's not much time! You don't know what you're up against!
GUNHAVER: Sure I do! The Ocean King!
GYRO: Forget about the Ocean King!
HOMSAR: Um, should I be involved in this somehow interesting conversation?
GYRO: No! Get lost, you freak! I need privacy!
HOMSAR: Meh. Fine.
{Homsar wobbles off-screen. The words "Homsar leaves Sidekick with Stranger!" appear.}
GUNHAVER: Anyway, so what is it that you want? I'm getting used to RPGs, if you don't mind, so I can get ready for the final battle!
GYRO: Gunhaver, control yourself! Return to reality!
GUNHAVER: I can't. I have to beat the game in order to do that.
GYRO: No! Once you beat the game, you'll be in an infinite, negative void of cyberspace! That's their intention if their primary plan fails!
GUNHAVER: Who and what the crap are you talking about?
GYRO: Them! The Leg...
{Suddenly, Gyro turns into static a little before he's back to normal.}
MAX: {off-screen} Thank goodness you can still skip dialogue here by pressing A.
GUNHAVER: Wait, control of what?
GYRO: I have to give this item to you now! It's not meant to be programmed in the game, so use this with caution!
{Gyro gives Gunhaver a tiny, handheld computer, which disappears. The words "Sidekick gets "#$@%missingno..srw" appear in static. Suddenly, Gyro disappears in a big electric explosion. Cut to Shadow and Max watching the game on the laptop.}
SHADOW: All right. I'm off to punish our prisoner. Continue with the game. Don't mess things up, okay?
{Shadow walks off-screen.}
MAX: Hmm... I really want to know what that Gyro gave to Gunhaver.
{Cut to Gunhaver getting out the handheld computer. The words "Sidekick used RGTWE$TYU%%$#2!" appear in static. Cut to what the computer screen says.}
Subject: %^& NTGHTYI&KI*I need to warn you of ;e ynt7 y%$N$...
{Cut to Gunhaver reading the handheld computer.}
GUNHAVER: What the crap is this??? This is cleary not helpful at all!
{Suddenly, some sparks fly from the computer. Gunhaver looks interested. Cut to the computer screen. However, the last part of the email is completely covered in static a nanosecond after we cut to the computer screen.}
Subject: %^& NTGHTYI&KI*I need to warn you of Black Laser, Blue Laser, Beta Oyster, Max, and...
CONNECTION LOST
{Suddenly, the screen freezes. Pan out to Max playing the game on the laptop. Shadow drags a beaten up Gyro onscreen and in front of the laptop.}
SHADOW: {to Max} You rang? I was in the middle of beating the crap out of Gyro for hacking into Beta Oyster.
MAX: Look at this! I paused and rewinded the game so you can look at this! That creep tried to sell us out!
{Cut to a view of Max, Shadow, Gyro, and the laptop so that we can see them looking at the laptop while we can't see the laptop screen. Shadow suddenly gets angry, grabs Gyro, and throws him off-screen.}
SHADOW: You JERK! How DARE you try to tell him my real identity! That's mutiny beyond ALL mutiny! You'd BETTER finish the Prototype if you want to live at all!!!!
{Cut to Gunhaver reading the computer in the passageway.}
GUNHAVER: What??? This is it??? This is crap! Black Laser's dead, and I have no clue who the crap Beta Oyster is! All I know is that Blue Laser has become a bad boy again, and Max needs serious punishment!
{Suddenly, battle/enemy music plays as a large, black-armored knight walks to Gunhaver. It gets out its shield and blocks the way to the rest of the passageway.}
GUNHAVER: Ooh... a fight... And no blue guy with me! No Homsar here to hog the EXP points and make me look and feel like a fool. Anyway, A!!!
{Suddenly, the screen turns into wide screen. 8-bit Gunhaver is on one side and the 8-bit knight is on the other. The words "READY" appears before being replaced by "SET", which is replaced by "FIGHT!" The number of HP each character has appears above them. Gunhaver has 302 HP and the knight has 460 HP.}
GUNHAVER: Oh man, this is going to be freakin hard. Good thing this knight is freakin' slower than me.
{Suddenly, electricity sparks from Gunhaver's jacket pocket.}
GUNHAVER: What the...
{Suddenly, the handheld computer flies out of Gunhaver's pocket. The words "Sudhkvcr used @$%^&^;l33t!!!!" appear in static. Suddenly, the knight blows up. The words "Gineaiek weans!" appear. Suddenly, we cut to Gunhaver standing in front of the knight's charred legs in the passageway outside of the battle.}
GUNHAVER: What the... crap... happened? I mean, I didn't even get any EXP points!
{Cut to Max and Shadow watching this on the laptop.}
SHADOW: This isn't good. Gyro has put in there a glitch.
MAX: What should we do? Quit the game?
SHADOW: No, for that won't 100% guarantee Gunhaver's death. Just keep on playing, and don't use the handheld computer.
MAX: But... I didn't select it in the battle.
SHADOW: {angrily} But you got it out when I told you not to.
{Cut to Homsar in front of a large, red door. Gunhaver walks onscreen.}
HOMSAR: What the crap took you so long? I had to fight all of the monsters and traps by myself!
GUNHAVER: I know you're trying to make me feel bad, so shut up.
HOMSAR: All right, then... Look, I have the Boss Key. I'm being generous enough not to lock you out. Now, come on.
{Homsar gets out a large, gold and red key with an evil eye and a sapphire. Then Homsar and Gunhaver go in after the door is opened.}
SHADOW: {viewing the game} All right, Beta Oyster, execute the plan.
{Cut to Homsar and Gunhaver standing in front of the Beta Oyster (Ocean King) playing an organ terribly. The Ocean King vaporizes the organ before speaking.}
BETA OYSTER: Ah, Homsar and Gunhaver...
GUNHAVER: You know my name???
HOMSAR: What did I tell you about dialogue in RPG games, Gunhaver?
BETA OYSTER: ...let's cut to the crap! It's time for me to kill you!
{Beta Oyster faces Gunhaver and Homsar, revealing his face. Homsar and Gunhaver become shocked.}
HOMSAR: Beta Clam!
GUNHAVER: {simultaneously} Grandpa! I mean, Alpha Stan!
BETA OYSTER: You're BOTH wrong! I am Beta Oyster, controller of all Beta Clam units in the known universe, the programmer and hacker of the Legion of Tribulation; the Ocean King, the evil behind the deterioration of Slightly-in-the-Middle Earth, and the creator, brain, and heart of this stimulation!
HOMSAR: Stimulation??? You mean this isn't a game???
GUNHAVER: No way! I actually started to enjoy being in an RPG game!
BETA OYSTER: I'm afraid not. This is an elaborate plan set up by the Legion of Tribulation.
GUNHAVER: Who's...
{Suddenly, the scene is played in fast-motion. Cut to Arrowhaver at the computer in the Cheat Commandos HQ hallway.}
ARROWHAVER: This scene is too boring!
{Cut to a shocked Shadow and a confused Max in front of the laptop.}
SHADOW: What??? No!!! What's going on? Beta Oyster! What is the meaning of this?
BETA OYSTER: {speaks in unintelligible, fast-motion off-screen}
MAX: Is this good, or bad?
SHADOW: Bad. I think that the mainframe in control of the stimulation bought by Blue Laser is being controlled by an enemy. {shouts to off-screen} BLUE LASER! COME OVER HERE!!!!
{Cut to Beta Oyster in front of Gunhaver and Homsar.}
BETA OYSTER: ...and because of that, {to Gunhaver} you will use the Occult Hand, which will make you sacrifice yourself in order for Homsar, meaning that you will die permanently, thus making our plans for world domination easier.
GUNHAVER: Ah... that explains everything. I'll be sure to wreck the day when I get back.
BETA OYSTER: If you get back, you mean.
HOMSAR: Well, with my help and experience, I, and probaly Gunhaver, will defeat you!
GUNHAVER: Hey...
BETA OYSTER: Not if I can help it! Yah!!!!
{Beta Oyster shoots a purple beam at Gunhaver. A small explosion is heard. When the beam disappears, he appears unharmed, but smoke is billowing from his jacket pocket.}
GUNHAVER: What's going on? How come there's no text announcing anything?
HOMSAR: DaAaAaAaAaAaAaA! Welcome to the time of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre!
GUNHAVER: Oh man! I actually understand what that creep did to me!
{Then, Beta Oyster throws off his cloak. What is standing in place of the cloaked Beta Oyster is a body with black, spiky, battle armor. In place of the head, there are blue eyes and a mouth.}
BETA OYSTER: Let the battle begin.
{The screen changes to the RPG battle screen. Suddenly, the entire battle is fast-forwarded. We see in the fast-forward that: the three fighters attack; Gunhaver and Homsar are not communicating well with each other and are either not fighting Beta Oyster together efficiently or are fighting each other; Beta Oyster is defeated, only to come back in a second form; Gunhaver and Homsar manage to learn to fight like a team and defeat Beta Oyster's third to ninth forms.}
{Cut to Shadow, Max, and Blue Laser on the laptop.}
SHADOW: See this, Blue Laser?
BLUE LASER: UH... NOT REALLY... IF ONLY IF IT WAS AT NORMAL SPEED!
SHADOW: The thing is, it's probably your fault. You didn't buy the Master Father Mainframe X053.14, didn't you?
BLUE LASER: NO, THAT'S OUT OF STOCK. INSTEAD, I BOUGHT THE MOTHERFRAME XZERO, WHICH IS CLOSE, RIGHT?
SHADOW: NO!!!!
MAX: Blue Laser! That's the worst computer in the world!
SHADOW: Seriously! It's extremely vulnerable to viruses! Do you know what this means???
BLUE LASER: UH... I'M PROMOTED?
SHADOW: {angrily} NO!!! IT MEANS YOU MESSED UP OUR WHOLE PLAN! IT'LL TAKE A MIRACLE FOR US TO SUCCEED! THANKS A LOT!
{Cut to a panting Gunhaver and Homsar in front of Beta Oyster's tenth form, which is a giganitic, floating pair of blue eyes and a mouth.}
BETA OYSTER: Grr... Nothing is going right... However, I'm sure that I will still be able to crush you! I have full health and unlimited moves, and you are dwindled to the last of your HP and MP! Who cares about the fast-forwards?
{Cut back to Gunhaver and Homsar in front of Beta Oyster.}
GUNHAVER: {panting} Don't worry. Homsar will provide some deus ex machina... right?
{The amount of HP each fighter has appear. The new Beta Oyster has 65535 HP, Gunhaver has 20 HP, and Homsar has 1. Gunhaver notices the amount of HP Homsar has.}
GUNHAVER: Oh... I guess I must've hit you too hard, eh?
HOMSAR: Chelsea red firecrackers for the World Series, cheese!
GUNHAVER: {sighs} Maybe I have to use that Occult Hand thing, right?
BETA OYSTER: Absolutely right, but luckily, it's Homsar's turn, and then {to Gunhaver} yours, so the last moments of your life are prolonged.
HOMSAR: Corncakes are the nicest tentacles in the aerobics, please!
{The words "Homsar uses Ocean Thunderstorm!" appear as Homsar's eyes turn blue. Suddenly, large bolts of lightning strike Beta Oyster. The words "Beta Oyster loses 2 HP!" appear.}
HOMSAR: {disappointed} Lend me your ears! This is the unkindest cut of all!
GUNHAVER: O... kay... Beta Oyster has a freakin' big defense, I bet.
BETA OYSTER: All of my stats, aside from my HP, are set at 4294967295, so your doom is inevitable!
GUNHAVER: Freakin' villains with cliche phrases! {looks at Homsar} I guess I have to use the Occult Hand after all.
{Suddenly, electricity sparks from Gunhaver's jacket pocket.}
GUNHAVER: What the crap??? This isn't good!
{Suddenly, a large, yellow energy beam shoots from Gunhaver's jacket pocket. The energy beam stops in front of Beta Oyster and transforms into a large, yellow, and electrical version of Alpha Stan.}
GUNHAVER: HOLY CRAP!!!
HOMSAR: TUNICATE PASTE!!!
BETA OYSTER: ALPHA STAN???
{Cut to Shadow, Max, and Blue Laser on the laptop. Max and Blue Laser looks surprised while Shadow looks like Shadow is going insane.}
SHADOW: WHAT THE CRAP IS THIS??? THIS HAS TO BE THE WORK OF GYRO!!!
GYRO: {off-screen} It is! The Alpha Stan virus is my last upgrade into Gunhaver's computer!
{Cut to the Alpha Stan in the Cheat Commandos HQ. Alpha Stan is on the screen.}
ALPHA STAN: Virus sent. Activating attached EMP bomb program.
{Cut to Gunhaver, Homsar, Beta Oyster, and the Alpha Stan virus in the castle room.}
ALPHA STAN VIRUS: IT'S TIME TO END THIS SPOOF OF A STIMULATION ONCE AND FOR ALL!
{The Alpha Stan Virus starts to implode into a large, energy ball. Gunhaver, Homsar, and Beta Oyster just stand there, amazed.}
ALPHA STAN VIRUS: SAY HELLO TO CYBERSPACE FOR ME!
{Suddenly, Gunhaver and Homsar disappear in two flashes of white light.}
BETA OYSTER: NO!!! I can't BELIEVE that an Alpha Stan unit messed up my plans!!!
{The Alpha Stan Virus energy ball explodes. Cut to Shadow, Blue Laser, and Max on the laptop. All of them look horrified.}
SHADOW: RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!
{Shadow, Blue Laser, and Max run off-screen. Suddenly, the laptop blows up. Cut to a Beta Oyster face on a black background. The face shows an expression that Beta Oyster's under strain.}
BETA OYSTER: No!!! No!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!! This can't be! If I blow up, not only will all Beta Clam units in the known universe blow up, but...
{Pan out to reveal the face is in a large, black tower next to the Persimmon Building. The large, black tower sparks with electricity before blowing up, creating a large and noisy explosion.}
{Cut to Arrowhaver in front of the computer in the Cheat Commandos HQ. The computer is deactivated, smoking, and sparking with electricity.}
ARROWHAVER: {nervous} This isn't good.
{Suddenly, the computer blows up, sending Arrowhaver flying away, screaming. When the light from the explosion fades, Gunhaver's shown lying on the floor where the computer once was, burnt and unconscious.}
{Cut to the Alpha 1260. Alpha Stan appears.}
Hooray! I saved the day! So email Gunhaver!
Easter Eggs
- Click on "Hooray!" to see this message appear:
The email was freakin' long, as well as the previous email. We, of the people who make GEmail (or just one person), would like to assure you that we don't like making long emails either. Other than that, 274 lines is better than 313 lines! So, we hope you didn't get any brain damage from reading this email. That is all.
- Click on "saved the day" to see this:
{Cut to a very exhausted and frustrated Silent Rip and Fightgar at the bottom of a cliff.}
FIGHTGAR: This sucks! We combed every cliff in the world twice, and we haven't found a freakin' Jimmy!
SILENT RIP: {angrily} That's it! We quit! It's time for us to execute Plan B!
FIGHTGAR: Let me get my slingshot!
Fun Facts
- This email continues from RPG, which continues from Hot Sauce.
- Slightly-in-the-Middle-Earth is a parody of Middle-earth, where J.R.R. Tolkein's books take place.
- Frodo is a main character in Tolkein's Lord of the Rings books.
- Jimmy, the cliff, and the last easter egg is a refernce to the previous two emails.
- Click here to read about stalagmites. To read about stalactites, click here.
- GameQUACKs is a parody of GameFAQs.
- Shadow's description of the website is how the author thinks about GameFAQs.
- Shadow references Wikipedia.
- Click here to read about erosion.
- Max skipping through dialogue with the A button is a function in many video games.
- Missingno. is a famous glitch in the old Pokemon games.
- Beta Oyster having multiple forms is a reference to many video games with final bosses having many forms.
- Click here to read about tunicates.
- Click here to read about EMPs.
- Click here to read about cyberspace.
- Beta Oyster's last words before the explosion refer to the information revealed in HAL 900.
