Other Character Email Gunhaver/Workout
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Summary
Sickly Sam is given the list of the Gold Rush era diseases. Then Gunhaver teaches us lessons about ways to counter Inappropriate-Peer-2-Self-Behavior when someone takes steroids.
Cast (in order of appearance): Gunhaver, Alpha Stan, Fightgar, Reynold, Tubby, Screwed-Up Scarecrow Hijackers, Greaser, Geek, Iron Prizefighter, Blue Laser, Jocko (Easter egg), That Nerd (Easter egg)
Lines: 163
Transcript
{Cut to Gunhaver in front of the dusty Alpha 1260. Gunhaver blows the dust off.}
GUNHAVER: Ah! I'm back at the Alpha 1260 again! How are you doin', Alpha Stan?
Welcome back, Gunhaver. Thanks for leaving me here. You have 21 new emails.
GUNHAVER: Whoa! 21??? I think this surpasses my record in number of emails in my inbox by... 13! Actually, I think it's 10, since I thought I saw 11 email capsules in the future, but I hate the future. Anyway, now for the email rap. {singing} Boom-chakalaka-chakalaka-chakalaka-chakalaka-chakalaka-chakalaka flavored email is now kicking your face!!!
{Gunhaver presses a button to make the following email pop up on the screen. Gunhaver reads it.}
Subject:Dear Gunhaver,
Sickly Sam
I'm having trouble thinking of gold rush
era diseases. Can you list some?
Yours,
GUNHAVER: {typing} Well sicko, I'd like to compliment you for making my making a text document with a large list of gold rush era diseases pay off!
{Gunhaver types "a>gold_rush_era_diseases.txt" and presses enter to make the following list appear.}
List of gold rush era diseases.txt
- Typhoid fever
- Cholera
- Dysentery
- Monkeypox
- Tularemia
- Cowpox
- Leprosy
- Smallpox
- Infectious mononucleosis
- Laryngeal papillomatosis
- Cheatpox
- Sneakpox
- Poxpox
- ROAR!
- GRRRRRRrrr
- UG GUGUAGA
- ugugugugugagagu
- Moshiarious
- Whabashuia
GUNHAVER: {typing} So as you can see, Mr. I Need Vaccine, that's the list of gold rush era diseases, not that you need any. Of course, this shows that there were more than two gold rushes in California and Alaska. There was also the gold rushes in the prehistoric ages and on Mars. Okay, I'm done.
Click here to
GUNHAVER: {interrupting} Y'know what? Screw that. I'm going to check another email. I need length!
{Gunhaver presses a button to make the following email pop up on the screen. Gunhaver reads it.}
Subject:Dear Gunhaver.
-Dr. Tofu, an associate of Dr. Croctor
We regret to inform you that one of your Commandos
Has tested Positive For Performance Enhancing drugs. (or steroids)
What you should do about this, that's up to you.
GUNHAVER: Aw man! I HATE Dr. Croctor. Well, Dr. Geek-u... oh man! Somebody in here is CHEATING! It's time for me to catch that cheater!
{The Blue Las-alert starts to blare. Cut to The Screen room, where Fightgar can be seen. Gunhaver runs inside.}
GUNHAVER: {angrily} Okay! I just received word that someone here is taking steroids! Whoever you are, reveal yourself before things get nasty!
FIGHTGAR: {nervously} Um... um...
{Suddenly, Gunhaver points in Fightgar's direction.}
GUNHAVER: {angrily} Of course! You did it! I should have thought it was you...
{Pan right to reveal that Gunhaver is pointing at Reynold. Fightgar sighs in relief.}
REYNOLD: Me?
GUNHAVER: Of course it's you! Who do you think I'm pointing to? Fightgar?
REYNOLD: Well, judging by his ner...
GUNHAVER: Shut up! You just made an Inappropriate-Peer-2-Self-Behavior!
REYNOLD: Another one??? Oh man! I can't help myself, even though I don't remember doing it!
GUNHAVER: Cheer up Reynold... or don't. Anyway, you can follow the Cheat Commandos' Legal Ways to Workout and become a fraction of one of us!
{Cut to a black and white Commando in the Classroom logo, which looks like Reynold in a mortarboard cap pointing a pointer at an A+.}
ANNOUNCER: {singing} Commandos in the Classroom!
{Cut to another black-and-white slide that reads "CHEAT COMMANDOS' LEGAL WAYS TO WORKOUT". At the bottom in fine print it reads "*TEACHERS, USE THIS TIME TO GO ON A DATE WITH THE PRINCIPAL OR PLAY TENNIS."}
ANNOUNCER: Lesson six: Cheat Commandos' Legal Ways to Workout. No, this is not a rip-off of lesson four, so shut up.
{Cut back to Reynold and Gunhaver.}
REYNOLD: That's great! How do I do it?
GUNHAVER: Well... there are four steps.
{Cut to a chalkboard. The words "STEP 1: BE FIT" are on there with the following text on the bottom "Yeah, you fatso!" There is also a drawing of a man running on a treadmill.}
GUNHAVER: {voiceover} As that imaginary chalkboard says, BE FIT YOU FATSO!
{Cut to a Teen Cheat Squad comic. Tubby is standing on an empty field.}
GUNHAVER: {voiceover} Take a look at this fatso. He's so fat, that regular dieting can't save him, as well as steroids, and {quickly} don'tttakesteroidsordiekids.
TUBBY: Oh snizzle. I'm fat.
GUNHAVER: {voiceover} Which is why this poor kid needs the Cheat Commandos Diet Wheel™ ©!
{A large, hamster wheel appears next to Fatso. The words "Cheap as Free!" appear by the wheel.}
TUBBY: Wow. That sure is big. I'ma going to use it now to finally lose weight!
{Tubby runs in the wheel with 100% efficiency.}
GUNHAVER: {voiceover} But remember. You always have to watch out for... um... Screwed-Up... Scarecrow... Hijackers.
{Two insane scarecrows appear in front of Tubby in the wheel, scaring the crap out of Tubby. Then Tubby and the scarecrows roll the wheel off a cliff. Then the words said by Narrator Gunhaver appear above the cliff.}
NARRATOR GUNHAVER: SCREWED-UP SCARECROW HIJACKER'D WHICH RESULTED IN YOU FALLING OFF A CLIFF! HAHA'D!
{Greaser runs to the cliff.}
GREASER: Hey! You're dissing my popularity!
{Just then, the part of the cliff Greaser is on breaks off and falls, killing Greaser.}
GREASER: {off-screen} Ow! My spleen!
GUNHAVER: {voiceover} And that, my friend, is why you should workout indoors.
{Cut to Reynold and Gunhaver in The Screen room.}
REYNOLD: But Gunhaver. I'm not overweight. I'm just not fit.
GUNHAVER: Which equals fat, since it's just a change of those things called vowels! And if you rebut that, I'm going to introduce you to some Screwed-Up Scarecrow Hijackers!
REYNOLD: Oh gosh! Anything but that!
{Cut to a chalkboard with the words "STEP 2: WORKING OUT" with the words "Yes, you can skip step 1 you thin bigot" and a drawing of a boxer.}
GUNHAVER: {voiceover} This is where things get interesting and spicy!
{Cut to Reynold and Gunhaver.}
REYNOLD: What. Do we lift weights? Because my father can teach me that.
GUNHAVER: Only if you want to pull your arms out. No, instead, you need to do the following.
{A picture of a glass cup with a chocolate liquid appears. The cup has a picture of Gunhaver.}
GUNHAVER: Drink plenty of Cheat Commandos Chocolate Smoothies™ and buy all our playsets and toys!
{Pan out to reveal a geek is watching this.}
GEEK: Oh boy! I'm going to go buy some of those smoothies and their playsets and toys!
{Cut to a chalkboard that says "STEP 3: BLUE LASER ASSAULT" with the words "No, this is not a video game that's worse than the other games in the series" and a drawing of a wrestler eating a hamburger.}
GUNHAVER: {voiceover} If you were disappointed by the last two steps, then you seriously need to die.
{Cut to Iron Prizefighter standing in front of Blue Laser at a basketball court.}
GUNHAVER: {voiceover} So, this is where some people say you actually start working out. And to do that, you need to assault Blue Laser.
BLUE LASER: WHAT??? IS THAT WHAT I'M HERE FOR??? I THOUGHT I WAS HERE TO HAVE A PIZZA PARTY OR CRUSH THE CHEAT COMMANDOS!
IRON PRIZEFIGHTER: Think again Blue Laser!
{The scene freezes.}
GUNHAVER: {voiceover} You can punch Blue Laser's face!
{The scene continues as Iron Prizefighter punches Blue Laser in the face.}
BLUE LASER: OW!
{Cut back to the frozen scene.}
GUNHAVER: {voiceover} You can punch Blue Laser's gut!
{The scene continues as Iron Prizefighter punches Blue Laser in the gut.}
BLUE LASER: OW!
{Cut back to the frozen scene.}
GUNHAVER: {voiceover} You can kick Blue Laser's face!
{The scene continues as Iron Prizefighter kicks Blue Laser in the face.}
BLUE LASER: OW!
{Cut back to the frozen scene.}
GUNHAVER: {voiceover} You can kick Blue Laser's gut!
{The scene continues as Iron Prizefighter kick Blue Laser in the gut.}
BLUE LASER: OW!
{Cut back to the frozen scene.}
GUNHAVER: {voiceover} You can throw Blue Laser to the ground!
{The scene continues as Iron Prizefighter grabs Blue Laser, jumps, and then throws Blue Laser very forcefully onto the ground.}
BLUE LASER: {weakly} OW! MY LUMBAGO!
{Cut back to the frozen scene.}
GUNHAVER: {voiceover} You can throw Blue Laser to the moon!
{The scene continues as Iron Prizefighter throws Blue Laser forcefully into the air, and presumably to the moon.}
BLUE LASER: {off-screen} HAVE MERCYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy....
{Cut back to the frozen scene.}
GUNHAVER: {voiceover} Or you can do a combo!
{The scene continues as Iron Prizefighter punches Blue Laser in the face (causing a +1 to appear), kicks him in the face (causing a +2 to appear) , punches him in the gut (causing a +3 to appear), kicks him in the gut (causing a +4 to appear), grabs Blue Laser, jumps, and throws Blue Laser very forcefully onto the ground (causing a +5 to appear), and then throws him forcefully to the moon (causing a +6 to appear).}
IRON PRIZEFIGHTER: Oh man! I missed my chance to get a 1-Up!
{Cut to the chalkboard that says "STEP 4: COUP de GRACE" with the words "Well, here we are" with a picture of a shark opening its mouth at a scuba diver.}
GUNHAVER: {voiceover} Well... here we are. The last step in order to be fit according to the Cheat Commandos.
{Cut to Reynold and Gunhaver in The Screen room.}
REYNOLD: Wow. We're almost done. So now what do I have to do.
GUNHAVER: You just have to listen to this. {very loudly} WE DON'T NEED TO WORK OUT! WE HAVE WEAPONS! STOP TAKING STEROIDS AND BUY YOURSELF A FREAKING GUN!
REYNOLD: But you won't allow me to have a gun, and I think guns are scary.
GUNHAVER: Shut up, er... steroid taker, you cheater!
{Gunhaver kicks Reynold in the face, sending Reynold flying off-screen and creating a crash. Cut to Gunhaver at the Alpha 1260.}
GUNHAVER: {typing} Man! He can be so annoying!
Click here to email Gunhaver at GEmail.exe
Easter Eggs
- Click on Gunhaver's reflection at the end to see this:
{Cut to Fightgar and Iron Prizefighter in The Screen room.}
FIGHTGAR: {sighs} That was a relief.
IRON PRIZEFIGHTER: What was a relief?
FIGHTGAR: {nervously} Uh... that... Reynold is an idiot all along!
IRON PRIZEFIGHTER: Yeah, but I feel like bashing seven people or bashing a person seven times in a row.
FIGHTGAR: {confused} Huh?
IRON PRIZEFIGHTER: {sighs} I don't know. I think these Commandos in the Classroom lessons are dumb.
- Click on a piece of paper found on Gunhaver's computer desk to see this:
{Cut to Jocko and That Nerd on a field on a piece of paper.}
JOCKO: Notice that this is the first issue where not all of us are killed?
{Just then, the following text appears above them.}
NARRATOR GUNHAVER: YOU BROKE THE FOURTH WALL'D!
THAT NERD: {shamefully} Oh! I'm so ashamed!
Fun Facts
- The reason for the dust on the Alpha 1260 was because Gunhaver was in the future from Vacation to Showdown.
- Just so you know, the record for the number of emails in Gunhaver's inbox. Vacation doesn't count, as Alpha Stan doesn't say how many emails are in his inbox, and neither do the emails after that count, since Alpha Stan's not in the future with Gunhaver.
- References to Commandos in the Classroom:
- The email about gold rush era diseases
- The rest of the email about the lesson on Inappropriate-Peer-2-Self-Behavior
- That is a parody of Inappropriate-Peer-2-Teen-Behavior
- Just so you know, the diseases in the list from typhoid fever to laryngeal papillomatosis do exist. They were in the same category of infectious diseases (yes, even monkeypox and cowpox exist). The rest are made up.
- If you want to know why Gunhaver hates Dr. Croctor, read Health and Judge Anonymousy.
- The text below "STEP 3: BLUE LASER ASSAULT" vaguely reference the Nintendo Gamecube game, Star Fox: Assault, which to some people, compared to the previous Star Fox games, wasn't good.
- The 1-Up joke is from the old Mario games (ex. Super Mario Bros.), where if you kill seven enemies in one attack and witness the deaths, then you get one extra life.
- This is the first time all four characters of Teen Cheat Squad have not been killed.
