Other Character Email Gunhaver/Ultimatum
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Summary
Gunhaver accidentally makes the Cheat Commandos' situtation even worse in one swift action due to a misunderstanding.
Cast (in order of appearance): Black Laser, Shadow, Gunhaver, Alpha Stan, Blue Laser Minion, Reinforcements, Fightgar, Reynold, Ultimatium Members, Silent Rip, Jewel, Police Cheats, Frostbite, Blast Maverick, Power Punch, BlastFit, Tomahaver, Steve, Princess, Contestro, Iron Prizefighter, Reynold, Military Cheat, Max (voice only)
Page Title: Alpha Stan 1260 - D-2
Lines: 274
Transcript
{Cut to a black screen. Slightly dramatic, but slow music starts to play as the following words appear onscreen.}
The past few emails have been a bit of a relief, being non-sequitor.
However, now it's time to finish what needs to be finished: THE CURRENT PLOT.
It is time to finish this. There is no stopping it now.
Expect more drama and some graveness over comedy...
Wish this was a Flash thing, eh? Too bad.
{Fade to a large, desolate, dark area with rows of warehouses. Cut to inside one of the warehouses. The caption "fCon Warehouse - Not just a place to trick people from their money anymore..." appears on the botton of the screen. Black Laser and Shadow walk onscreen, talking to each other.}
SHADOW: So Black Laser, how are things going in your part of the operation?
BLACK LASER: Very well. They have finished their prototype and are beginning to mass-produce the model. Meanwhile, they have finished construction on our main weapons.
SHADOW: That's very excellent, in constrast to our situation here.
BLACK LASER: That prototype is not finished yet, is it?
SHADOW: No. I have a feeling he's delierately doing this as slowly as he can.
BLACK LASER: Then I think it's time for him to be pressured.
SHADOW: Perhaps.
BLACK LASER: And what about the Cheat Commandos?
SHADOW: To be frank, with the move, we haven't done anything about that. But we have been waiting for the right time, when society is looking for the one who is responsible for the destruction of Beta Oyster.
BLACK LASER: So it's time?
SHADOW: Yes. It's time. Let me get Blue Laser and his expendable minions.
{Cut to Gunhaver on the Alpha 1260.}
GUNHAVER: I got the E's and in the alphabet to make me some soup! But then I lost the mail when it was soaked in the soup!
Hello Gunhaver. You have 22 emails.
{Gunhaver presses a button to make the following email appear on the screen. However, because it is too long, only the first part of the email, accompanied with scroll buttons, is on the screen.}
Clever Mr. Haver...Cleverly done, Mr. Haver, but you're not supposed to be here.
As a matter of fact, you're not.
I want to give you an offer you won't regret.
DESTROY THE ULTIMATIUM, the tall black building in the city that is crippling the city slowly.
I have a note: You and your friends discover they've somehow escaped both the reactor explosion and my malevolent grasp. Before you can ponder their miraculous survival, the crippled Ultimatium lurches back to life just long enough to initiate a self-destruct sequence. With your friends at your side, you must flee a city in chaos before the Ultimatium's final detonation turns the country into a toxic, mutant-infested crater.
Until we meet again, Lord ApocalypX the 1st of the Ultimatum
GUNHAVER: Man. This email is freakin' long. I do not understand a word of it! And it has scroll buttons! That breaks Scroll Button Union Rule #2: Scroll buttons are for email menus only, not for anything else! I'd better use Alpha Stan's summarizing tool!
{Alpha Stan replaces the email on the screen.}
ALPHA STAN: Now summarizing the point of the email.
{The following list appears on the screen.}
-Destroy the Ultimatium - It's evil.
-The city's going to blow up if you don't do anything.
-This is bad.
-Very bad.
-So get a move on.
-Lord ApolcalypX assumes you know him. Chances are, you don't.
-He talks about an ultimatum, probably not related to the Ultimatium.
{Gunhaver reads the first three points.}
GUNHAVER: Okay. I got the point.
{The screen is cleared.}
GUNHAVER: So it looks like I have to destroy an ultimati... uh... ultimatum sounds cooler and easier to pronounce!
{A doorbell is heard, playing the Cheat Commandos theme song.}
GUNHAVER: Oh! It's the door! It must be that toupee Reynold ordered! I've got to sabotage the order!
{Cut to the front door. A Blue Laser minion holds out a piece of paper to Gunhaver.}
BLUE LASER MINION: Hello sir or madam. I am a delegate/messenger from the Legion of Bane, formerly called the Legion of Tribulation.
GUNHAVER: How come?
BLUE LASER MINION: My masters came to realize that the word "tribulation" sucks. Anyway, {extends piece of paper to Gunhaver} my masters have brought to you an ultimatum that you must sign. If you don't agree to my masters' commands on what you should do, then there will be dire consequences.
{Pause.}
GUNHAVER: What ever happened to your "sir"'s? Or your inefficiency? Or the feeling that you're just there as cannon fodder?
BLUE LASER MINION: New masters.
{Gunhaver takes the ultimatum from the Blue Laser minion.}
GUNHAVER: Well, you know, maybe this legion should have sent someone else. I mean, I don't trust you. Also, I know what this is! This is a bomb that's going to destroy the world!
BLUE LASER MINION: What?
{Gunhaver rips the ultimatum into little pieces and throws them into the minion's face.}
GUNHAVER: You can take your stupid ultimate bomb with you and cry to your freakin' masters!
{Pause.}
BLUE LASER MINION: Okay. I'll cry.
{The Blue Laser minion walks away, crying in a monotone voice.}
GUNHAVER: Well. All is well.
{Cut to Shadow on the phone in the warehouse. Soon, Shadow hangs up.}
SHADOW: All right. Gunhaver has spontaneously rejected the ultimatum. That fool...
{Shadow dials a number on the phone and waits for an answer from the other side.}
SHADOW: Mr. President?
{Cut to Gunhaver, Reinforcements, and Fightgar watching television.}
FIGHTGAR: Who was that at the door?
GUNHAVER: Oh? Probably a brainwashed Blue Laser minion presenting to me an ultimatium.
REINFORCEMENTS: An ultimatium? Don't you mean an ultimatum?
GUNHAVER: Same thing. I ripped it.
{Suddenly, Reinforcements looks angry.}
FIGHTGAR: Uh... so what do we do now?
GUNHAVER: How about we go find a mysterious and ominous looking building in the city and stop this Ultimatium from blowing up the city to compensate for my ripping the ultimatum, which isn't that big of a deal! I mean, an ultimatum can't be that harmful compared to a bomb, right?
{Cut to a newspaper. Only the headline and the extremely long sub-headline are shown.}
CHEAT COMMANDOS ENEMY TO COUNTRY!
President Nick President has just found out from an unknown and probably untrustworthy source that the Cheat Commandos have made and sent the virus into the Beta Shellfish thing. In other words, they're why almost all of the technology in the world is destroyed, meaning almost everybody is not happy. So now you know who to blame.
{Cut to a dark room. There are two Cheats dressed in black standing in front of what looks like a bomb. The two Cheats have nametags that say "Hello! I'm part of the Ultimatium!"}
ULTIMATIUM MEMBER #1: Ah. Yes. This plan is perfect. With our bomb-proof suits, we can make sure that the bomb safely explodes.
ULTIMATIUM MEMBER #2: But how do you know that these suits have been tested to resist explosions? And besides, aren't fire-proof suits more efficient?
ULTIMATIUM MEMBER #1: {sarcastically} Oh sure. So I guess we should also use water-proof suits, since that's resistant to fire!
ULTIMATIUM MEMBER #2: What? That makes no sense!
ULTIMATIUM MEMBER #1: Your face makes no sense!
GUNHAVER: {off-screen} SHUT UP! YOUR BICKERING IS DRIVING ME MAD!!!
{Gunhaver, Reinforcements, Fightgar, Silent Rip, and Jewel run onscreen.}
GUNHAVER: Jeez! You're just as bad as Blue Laser!
ULTIMATIUM MEMBER #2: And who are you again?
REINFORCEMENTS: We're the Cheat Commandos!
GUNHAVER: And we're here to stop you and your evil plan, you Ultimatium scum!
VOICE: {off-screen} A-HA! There you are!
{A large army of police Cheats run onscreen.}
POLICE CHEAT #1: Thought you could destroy most of the world's technology and get away with it?
GUNHAVER: What?
POLICE CHEAT #2: And now, you try to blow up the ocean!
FIGHTGAR: What??? That's freakin' low!
{Suddenly, Silent Rip faces the Cheat Commandos and points his hand at them.}
SILENT RIP: Those loonies are gonna blow up the ocean!
{Gunhaver walks up to Silent Rip and slaps him in the head.}
GUNHAVER: No, Silent Rip! Nostalgia bad!
REINFORCEMENTS: So is randomness. How about I try to make some sense in this situation. {to the Police Cheats} Officers, I have no idea what you're talking about, and I'm sure that nobody else of the Cheat Commandos knows.
POLICE CHEAT #1: That's a downright lie! That's a freakin' lie, Liar Mc...
POLICE CHEAT #2: Please, stop.
REINFORCEMENTS: Look, the point is, we don't know what you meant by "destroy most of the world's technology"...
POLICE CHEAT #1: Ah-ha! So that MEANS you ADMIT destroying all of the Beta Clam technology in the world!
REINFORCEMENTS: What??? No! And these Ultimatium fools are the ones with the bomb!
POLICE CHEAT #1: Liar! GET HIM!!!
{All but one of the Police Cheats (#2) chase the Cheat Commandos off-screen.}
ULTIMATIUM MEMBER #2: Uh... can someone care to explain to us what's going on?
ULTIMATIUM MEMBER #1: No, because I don't care.
POLICE CHEAT #2: Don't worry. We have chased the Cheat Commandos, the real criminals, out of here and freed you from a hostage situation. Although we have no proof of that, and even though our efficiency level in the past years is low, there's no evidence to support that, so shut up.
{The Police Cheat walks off-screen. Then there is a pause.}
ULTIMATIUM MEMBER #1: So... uh... LET'S BLOW THIS FREAKIN' CITY UP!!!
{Cut to a greyscale footage of a nuclear explosion. Cut to a small, black crater in the middle of the city. The two Ultimatium members are in the crater, covered in soot.}
ULTIMATIUM MEMBER #2: Uh... so this was actually a nuclear bomb, and since our suits aren't resistance to radation...
ULTIMATIUM MEMBER #1: We can always blame the explosion on the Cheat Commandos and sue them for radiating us.
ULTIAMTIUM MEMBER #2: Alas! A rare flash of intelligence!
{The first Ultimatium member punches the other in the face.}
{Cut to another newspaper. Once again, the headline and sub-headline are shown.}
CHEAT COMMANDOS STRIKE AGAIN!!!
Cheat Commandos blew up a block in the city with a NUCLEAR bomb!
{Cut to Gunhaver and an angry Reinforcements in a hallway in the Cheat Commandos HQ.}
REINFORCEMENTS: You idiot! That ultimatum you fooishly ripped apart is why we are suddenly bad guys!
GUNHAVER: Hey! It's not entirely my fault! I mean, that was a Blue Laser Minion I was dealing with! Blue Laser is pure evil!
REINFORCEMENTS: Yeah. Sure. Barbeques and shopping are evil.
GUNHAVER: What are you talking about??? Of course they are!
{Frostbite walks onscreen with Blast Maverick, Power Punch, BlastFit, Tomahaver, Steve, Princess, Contestro, Iron Prizefighter, and Jewel.}
FROSTBITE: Gunhaver, we would like you to know something. You truly suck at being a squad leader of the Cheat Commandos. You have led us into poverty, defenselessness, and now you have turned the whole world against us. And for what?
BLAST MAVERICK: A big, freakin' pile of stinkin' yogurt!
{Cut to the almost empty kitchen. Most of it is filled up with a large pile of containers of yogurt. A strong green vapor indicating bad smell is coming from the pile. Cut back to the previous scene.}
GUNHAVER: So what are you going to do about it? Sue me?
JEWEL: We would have done it as soon as you gave away our money to Max, but it's not worth it, seeing that you have no money as well.
GUNHAVER: So what are you going to do about it? You haven't answered by question.
BLASTFIT: We're quitting the Cheat Commandos.
FROSTBITE: We're going to make our own league of justice for the world, one that's more efficient than the deteriorating group you're leading.
STEVE: And it's a good thing too, since you treat me like crap!
PRINCESS: And you never pay attention to me!
POWER PUNCH: And you restrict me from getting a black belt!
CONTESTRO: And you treat me too nicely!
FROSTBITE: And you never know what any of our names are!
GUNHAVER: Of course I do, Lucy!
{Pause.}
FROSTBITE: That's it. We're leaving.
{Frostbite, Blast Maverick, Power Punch, BlastFit, Tomahaver, Steve, Princess, Contestro, Iron Prizefighter, and Jewel angrily walk off-screen.}
GUNHAVER: Oh come on, guys!
PRINCESS AND JEWEL: {off-screen} Ahem!
GUNHAVER: Oh, sorry. Oh come on, guys! Why are you doing this to me? Why are you treating me like crap? I'll force Reynold to buy you some of them lobster tails!
PRINCESS: {off-screen} I'm a vegetarian!
TOMAHAVER: {off-screen} I'm allergic to seafood!
{Reynold walks onscreen.}
REYNOLD: And I can't afford the lobster tails, whether I like them or not!
GUNHAVER: You know, I thought you would be the very first person who would join that freakin' group working against me.
REYNOLD: Oh no. I believe that with a lot of the Cheat Commandos gone, I will finally be able to go on missions!
GUNHAVER: Are you mad??? Go back to your room! Clean the headquarters while you're on your way!
REYNOLD: Aw... I thought this was going to be a revolution. I'll just go sulk.
GUNHAVER: Man. I wonder how this can get any worse?
{Cut to a military base. A military Cheat answers a phone.}
MILITARY CHEAT: This is the Cheat City Military Base. How may I help you?
MAX: {voice from phone} Hello. I am a member of the Legion of Bane.
MILITARY CHEAT: Sounds ominous.
MAX: {voice from phone} Look, you and I have something in common. We're both against the Cheat Commandos. I just want your help in the form of using the military's weapons and forces against...
MILITARY CHEAT: I don't think so. There's a thing called trus--
MAX: {voice from phone} We have money.
MILITARY CHEAT: Deal.
{Fade to black. Alpha Stan appears.}
ALPHA STAN: Click here to email Gunhaver at GEmail.exe.
Easter Eggs
- Click on "NUCLEAR bomb" in the newspaper headline to see this extra scene at the end:
{Cut to a blog.}
| Lord ApocalypX - Betrayed by Justice - July 23, 2006 (XXXT) |
|---|
|
Grr... the Cheat Commandos are probably the worst justice squad in the world! I sent an email to the squad leader for assistance against the evil Ultimatium! Instead, they went against the other Ultimatium! I mean, do you know how hard it is to fight against a tall black building that's crippling the world? All of the members of the Ultimatum, aside from me, are either imprisoned or dead! I heard that the Cheat Commandos are criminals now. Go figure. Current mood: Peeved. Current movie: Thnikkaman Returns |
Fun Facts
- The page title is a reference to the fact that this was originally the second-to-last actual email of the series.
- The Prototype was first mentioned in Massacre.
- The destruction of Beta Oyster was in Ocean King.
- Click here to read about ultiamtums.
- Click here to read about cannon fodders.
- Blowing up the ocean and Silent Rip's nostalgic remark are references to the Cheat Commandos short.
- Barbeques and shopping being evil are references to Cheat Commandos... O's and Shopping for Danger, respectively.
- Giving money to Max and the yogurt are from fCon.
- Gunhaver treating Contestro too nicely is a result of Paradox.
