Other Character Email Gunhaver/Garage Sale
From Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki
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Summary
The Cheat City National Bank is robbed. Meanwhile, Gunhaver describes a situation similar to a garage sale.
Cast (in order of appearance): Shadow, Security Guards, SWAT Cheats, Gunhaver, Alpha Stan, Silent Rip, Psychic Cheat, Fightgar, Various Cheats, Police Cheats, Flashfight, News reporter, Blue Laser Minion (Easter Egg), Reinforcements (Easter Egg)
Lines: 197
Page Title: Another one??? Why???
Transcript
{Cut to a black screen. These words appear before fading to black.}
My name is Shadow... I will win...
{Cut to the Cheat City National Bank at nighttime. The bank is barely visible in the darkness. A truck passes by. Suddenly, a shadowy Cheat-shaped figure with "hair" appears after the truck is gone. Slightly tense music starts to play as the shadowy Cheat jumps to the bank. Cut to the inside of the bank, where there are security guards standing around, bored.}
SECURITY GUARD #1: Man, guarding a bank is so boring!
SECURITY GUARD #2: I find our jobs kind of ironic. It's boring if we're working and it's fun if we're not.
SECURITY GUARD #1: So... want to get some ice cream?
{Pause.}
SECURITY GUARD #2: Let's go get doughnuts.
SECURITY GUARD #1: Okay!
{The two security guards run off-screen. Cut to outside the bank. The two security guards run out of the bank and off-screen. Shadow, the shadowy Cheat, peeks out of the shadows. Then Shadow jumps up to the rooftop of the bank by wall jumping off of the bank's wall and a flagpole by the bank. Then Shadow places a thin, square device on the bank's glass dome. After stepping away for two seconds, the glass just disappears without a sound or trace. Then Shadow jumps through the hole made in the rooftop and lands on the floor inside the bank without any injuries or making any sound. Then Shadow stands up from his/her crouching position.}
SHADOW: {whispering in raspy voice} Everything's going according to plan.
{Cut to a corridor with ten security cameras on each wall, waving in an arc. Shadow appears and looks at the cameras. Shadow merely shrugs and throws a little ball at the floor, which blows up, deactivating all of the cameras. Cut to a view of Shadow running away from the camera down the corridor. In the foreground, a silhouette of a security guard looking at Shadow is seen.}
{Cut to a corridor full of bank vaults. Shadow gets out a gun and shoots smoke at one of the large, vault doors, melting the metal. Then Shadow gets out a device and presses a button on it to blow up all of the silent alarms and exploding dye packs guarding the bank vault. Then Shadow goes into the bank vault and, after a pause, exits with bags of money. Then the scene is fast-forwarded to show Shadow doing the same thing to all bank vaults to take money from all of them. Then Shadow puts all of the bags of money in a large bag.}
{Cut to Shadow with the heaping, large bag full of bags of money in the bank lobby. Shadow makes a high jump and kicks off a wall before hanging onto the edge of the hole on the roof with one hand with the other on the bag. Suddenly, Shadow loses his/her grip and falls onto the ground with the bag cushioning his/her fall.}
SHADOW: Crap. I knew this part of the plan is where things'll go wrong. I should have thought better than to hang off of the rooftop on one hand with the other holding something heavy.
{Suddenly, light shines on Shadow. Cut to where the light is coming from: security guards and SWAT Cheats with flashlights (the SWAT Cheats also have fly-swatters).}
SWAT CHEAT #1: {into loudspeaker} Freeze burglar! You are under arrest! We have you surrounded!
SECURITY GUARD #3: Uh... he's right over there. And what's the crap with him being surround...
{Cut to where Shadow should be, except Shadow's not there.}
SECURITY GUARD #3: {off-screen} Crap.
{Cut to Shadow running to a wall with the bag in one hand. Shadow uses the other hand to blast a hole in the wall with his/her gun, creating a rather large hole. Shadow jumps out through the hole when security guard #3 and two SWAT Cheats catch up with Shadow.}
SWAT CHEAT #1: Freeze! We have you in our sights!
{Shadow merely faces them and fires smoke at the three, making them fall unconscious in less than a second. Shadow runs off with the bag of money. Fade to black. The following words appear.}
Mission accomplished...
{Cut to Gunhaver in front of the Alpha 1260. The scene is frozen. The following is typed onto the scene with typewriter noises.}
The next day...
Some time in the afternoon
Secondary computer room - Cheat Commandos HQ, Cheat City
Gunhaver is checking his email
{After a pause, the text disappears as the scene continues.}
GUNHAVER: I-mail hate-mail u-mail! I-mail hate-mail u-mail more-mail! E-mail... Crap, I always screw up at the end, where I praise email. Kind of ironic.
ALPHA STAN: Hello Gunhaver. You have 21 emails.
GUNHAVER: Wow. Amazing. Bring up the hot and spicy email!
{The following email appears. Gunhaver reads it.}
subject: Homygawsh!Hay Gunhaver!!
-cat (yeah that's my real name)
I think you should have a garage sale! I mean,
think of all da things you can sell...
{When he reads "Hay Gunhaver!!", he speaks with enthusiasm and with a southern accent.}
GUNHAVER: What??? This is a hot and spicy email?
ALPHA STAN: Yes. It looked hot and spicy to me.
GUNHAVER: Hmm... bring up a cold and bland email!
{Cut to a view of Gunhaver in front of the Alpha 1260, where we can see Gunhaver's face and the Alpha 1260's backside.}
GUNHAVER: {awed} Oh-ho... that's DEFINITELY hot and spicy!
ALPHA STAN: {from Alpha} Replacing cold and bland email with hot and spicy email.
{There is a whir from the Alpha 1260. Gunhaver looks disheartened.}
GUNHAVER: Aww! Change back to the cold and bland email.
ALPHA STAN: {from Alpha} You have done enough email changing orders for one day.
GUNHAVER: Crap. Well, as they say, easy come, easy... the "they" suck!
{Cut to the normal email-checking view. The garage sale email is on the screen.}
GUNHAVER: {typing} Well animal that I hate and should be food for some reason, us Cheat Commandos have had a garage sale before, only it wasn't a garage sale. Think of it as something in the same concept.
{Cut to Gunhaver and Silent Rip standing behind a table full of stacks of money. There's a sign by the table, saying "GaRbage bUy".}
GUNHAVER: {shouting} Garage buy! Garage buy! Sell something to us for money! {to Silent Rip} It's just like a garage sale, isn't it?
SILENT RIP: I still think we should use counterfeit money.
{Cut back to Gunhaver in front of the Alpha 1260.}
GUNHAVER: {typing} Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Since when did Silent Rip ever think of an idea better than mine? {pause} Not that I'm implying that Silent Rip is stupid or... ARGH!!! NO!!! I must use the Jedi mind trick!
{Gunhaver faces the camera and waves his arms.}
GUNHAVER: I didn't say Silent Rip is dumber than me!
{Cut to who Gunhaver's facing, the Psychic Cheat.}
PSYCHIC CHEAT: Redrum, redrum, redrum, redrum, redrum, redrum, redrum, redrum, redrum...
GUNHAVER: {off-screen} Who the crap let that freak in here anyway?
{Cut back to the normal email-checking view.}
GUNHAVER: {typing} So back onto the topic of the garage buy, you may think that that is a stupid thing to do, considering that we're wasting money on people's crappy stuff, but actually, it's not a stupid thing to do. In our garage buy, we had a very skilled businessman who allowed us to save on cool or crappy stuff.
{Cut to Fightgar behind the garage buy table with the stacks of money. A Cheat is standing in front of the table with a TV set.}
FIGHTGAR: Okay. We'll buy that TV set. How much is it?
CHEAT: Oh... I'll say $750.
{Fightgar gets out his gun and points it at the Cheat.}
FIGHTGAR: {angrily} I'll say I demand you make a discount!
{Cut to another scene with the garage buy. Another Cheat is selling a phone.}
FIGHTGAR: How much is it?
CHEAT: $100.
FIGHTGAR: How about $10?
CHEAT: 90.
FIGHTGAR: 20.
CHEAT: 80.
FIGHTGAR: 30.
CHEAT: 70.
FIGHTGAR: 60.
CHEAT: 65.
{Suddenly, Fightgar gets out his gun and points it at the Cheat.}
FIGHTGAR: {angrily} MAKE IT FIVE!!!
{Cut back to Gunhaver at the Alpha.}
GUNHAVER: {typing} Yep, those were good bargains. Unfortunately, they had to come to an end on the same day they started. A shame.
{Cut to Fightgar behind the garage buy table. A Cheat tosses a watch onto the table and runs away, screaming.}
FIGHTGAR: I think that's my best deal so far. A watch for free!
{A Police Cheat walks onscreen.}
POLICE CHEAT: All right, that's enough. Any more will cause in your arrest, you "salesman".
{Cut back to Gunhaver in front of the Alpha.}
GUNHAVER: {typing} Geez! I hate police cops. They're so overrated, lazy, abuse their privileges, and never actually do anything!
POLICE CHEAT: {off-screen} Hey! I heard that!
{Cut to a wider view of the computer room. The Police Cheat is to Gunhaver's right. Gunhaver faces him.}
POLICE CHEAT: You know better than to insult Police Cheats, bringers of justice.
GUNHAVER: I guess you don't bring enough then, seeing that we have to do all of the work!
POLICE CHEAT: You know better than to insult Police Cheats and complain about your jobs! The governent controls you, you know!
GUNHAVER: I would have said you had a point until you said that second sentence, which is COMPLETELY FALSE!
POLICE CHEAT: Oh. Pardon me.
GUNHAVER: What are you doing here anyway?
POLICE CHEAT: Oh, I'm here to arrest you.
GUNHAVER: What??? For insulting you??? I'll take you to cour... Never mind. Courts have never helped me.
POLICE CHEAT: No, not for that. You robbed a bank, and we have to take you in.
GUNHAVER: WHAT??????
{Cut to a bank vault in the Cheat City National Bank. The bank vault is completely empty, indicating that this is after the robbery. Police Cheats are looking around the vault. The scene is frozen as the following is typed onto the scene with typewriter sounds.}
About an hour ago...
Bank Vault #Whatever - Cheat City National Bank, Cheat City, Somewhere
Police Cheats are looking for evidence
And I'm an awesome typist
{The scene continues. A Police Cheat looks to the right and picks something up from the ground, a folded piece of paper.}
POLICE CHEAT #1: Hey, check it out. It's a note... that I found... on the ground... and you didn't see it because you're so unobservant!
POLICE CHEAT #2: Hey! That's not nice! {pause} But are Police Cheats supposed to be nice?
{The first Police Cheat unfolds the paper and reads from it.}
POLICE CHEAT #1: {reading} I have robbed the bank and will use the stolen billions of money to profit and do other cool stuff, like world domination or overthrowing the government. -Gunhaver.
{Pause.}
POLICE CHEAT #2: That's it. No more Mr. Nice Guy.
POLICE CHEAT #1: But didn't you just question if Police Cheats are even nice or not?
POLICE CHEAT #2: J... j... just shut up!
{Cut to the Cheat Commandos HQ front entrance. Two Police Cheats are knocking on the front door. The words "One hour later" are typed onto the scene with typewriter sounds, except this time, the scene isn't frozen. Soon, Flashfight opens the door.}
FLASHFIGHT: Yes? May I help you?
POLICE CHEAT #1: We're here to arrest Gunhaver of the Cheat Commandos for bank robbery. Where is he?
FLASHFIGHT: Oh, {points to inside the HQ} he's in the secondary computer room. It's into the living room, down the hallway, into the den, down the hallway to the right, and then the second to last door on the left. You can't miss it.
POLICE CHEAT #2: Thanks.
{The two Police Cheats run inside. Flashfight just watches them from where he is standing.}
FLASHFIGHT: You're welcome.
{Cut to a Police Cheat walking into Gunhaver's computer room.}
GUNHAVER: {off-screen} Geez! I hate police cops. They're so overrated, lazy, abuse their privileges, and never actually do anything!
POLICE CHEAT: Hey! I heard that!
{Suddenly, the scene freezes.}
GUNHAVER: {voiceover} Hey! What's the point of the flashback from here? I'm already in the flashback by now!
{Cut to the Police Cheat and Gunhaver in the present.}
POLICE CHEAT: Yes, well... now you're under arrest.
GUNHAVER: And if I don't give in?
{The Police Cheat looks around. Then he gets out a rock and throws it at Gunhaver's head, knocking him onto the floor. Then the Police Cheat innocently whistles.}
POLICE CHEAT: No, I'm not a Police Cheat who unorthodoxically uses rocks to knock out suspects unfairly.
{Cut to a news reporter, standing in front of the Cheat Commandos HQ, which is surrounded by yellow tape and Police Cheats. A two-tier lower third appears, saying "Generic News Reporter - Nosewitness News".}
NEWS REPORTER: Ah, ah, ah. Testing. Testing. One, two, nine. A, B, C, D, F... {sees camera} Oh, I am a news reporter of Channel 3.14 News. Here I am, in front of the Cheat Commandos Headquarters, where the Police Cheats of good ol' Cheat City have just arrested Gunhaver for robbing the Cheat City National Bank just last night. Aren't we fast? Now onto the interviews.
{Pan out to reveal that the news is being watched on the Internet on a laptop computer. Shadow is in the foreground, watching the news. He/She pauses the news video.}
SHADOW: Great. Everything is going according to plan. Nothing can go wrong, and nothing will go wrong.
{Alpha Stan appears near the bottom of the laptop screen.}
ALPHA STAN: Click here to
{Shadow moves the cursor to Alpha Stan and right-clicks on him, making him disappear from the screen.}
SHADOW: Just why the heck is that monstrosity installed into this laptop anyway? It's not even made by Ympoc, for crying out loud!
Easter Eggs
- Click on the paused news video to watch more of it:
{The video cuts to a Police Cheat in front of a microphone held in front of him. A lower third appears, saying "Police Cheat - Y'know, those guys who fight crime".}
POLICE CHEAT: Yeah. We arrested Gunhaver, so we're special. Does this mean we can sell our own action figures and playsets?
{Cut to the reporter standing by a Cheat City National Bank security guard. A lower third appears, saying "Security Guard - The guy who slacked off".}
NEWS REPORTER: Thank you for the information we did not need to hear! And now, here is a security guard of the Cheat City National Bank, one of the laziest people alive. Tell us about the robbery and the Cheat Commandos' involvement, NOW!
SECURITY GUARD: Uh... well... the robber had a gun... guns are bad... guns are scary... {starts to cry} My mommy told me guns are for bad and scary people!
NEWS REPORTER: Thank you for worthless information, you wuss!
SHADOW: {watching news video} What the crap? Who turned this onto play?
{Shadow pauses the news video.}
- Click on the keyboard to see the following words typed onto the screen with typewriter sounds:
Maybe one or two hours later...
Some time in the evening
A room - Shadow's... place
Shadow is checking out how his/her plan is working
I am an awesome typist. Seriously, I really rule at toyin... aw crap.
I amde a ttypeo.
- Click on a garage sale ad on the laptop's screen to see this:
{Cut to Fightgar behind the garage buy table. A Blue Laser minion is holding a cup that is encrusted with jewels.}
BLUE LASER MINION: No! I refuse to give this to you for a buck, dude.
FIGHTGAR: Oh yeah?
{Fightgar gets out his gun and points it at the Blue Laser minion. The Blue Laser minion gets out a gun and points it at Fightgar.}
BLUE LASER MINION: Nice try.
{Suddenly, Gunhaver appears at the Blue Laser minion's right with his gun. Reinforcements appears at the minion's left with his JRBRR aimed.}
BLUE LASER MINION: Oh crud.
Fun Facts
- The page title refers that Shadow is the third (or fourth) character whose identity is hidden (an example of that is Ultramarine Laser).
- The Cheat City National Bank is first from "Robbery and Texas".
- Click here to read about SWAT.
- The phrase Gunhaver was going to say after Alpha Stan revealed he can't change emails anymore was "Easy come, easy go".
- The sign that says "GaR
bage bUy" refers to garage sale. - The Jedi mind trick refers to Star Wars.
- Gunhaver's remark about courts refer to Bread and Judge Anonyousy, where he loses both court cases in the email and episode (respectively).
- The channel number refers to pi.
- Ympoc is the computer company that created the Alpha 1260.
