Other Character Email Gunhaver/Training
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Summary
Gunhaver answers an email that forces him to reach the limits of his logic. Meanwhile, Blue Laser tries to train Arrowhaver to be an actual Blue Laser Minion without success, until he realizes the importance of Arrowhaver, and how harsh he is.
Cast (in order of appearance): Gunhaver, Blue Laser, Arrowhaver, Cherry Greg (voice), Homestar Runner, Carl, Lenny
Lines: 92
Transcript
{We cut to Gunhaver in front of the Delta 1001. He types ingunhaver_email.exe.}
GUNHAVER: I've gotta email this and I've gotta email that. Then the email has to do is to zap!
{Then Gunhaver presses enter to make the following email appear. He reads the email. For GI Joe, he says Guy Joe.}
Dear Gunhaver,
I have heard rumors that you are
a cheap cartoon character used for
shamlessly marketing a Cheat-
based product by Cheap As Free.
Is this true?
-GI Joe
GUNHAVER: {typing} Wait, what the crap are you talking about? Are you just saying that we, the Cheat Commandos, are just an advertisement for cheap toys instead of a purposeful squad fighting for justice??? That's not right!! {stops typing and starts making confused sound effects until he screams} AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
{Gunhaver's head explodes like The Cheat.}
GUNHAVER: I think I can smell my burnt skin, or maybe that's the smell of humiliation. Same thing.
{Then we cut to the Blue Laser HQ. We see Blue Laser in a room with Arrowhaver.}
BLUE LASER: OKAY! IT'S BEEN ABOUT TWO WEEKS SINCE YOU HAVE JOINED BLUE LASER! HAVE YOU WATCHED THE BLUE LASER INTRODUCTORY VIDEO?
ARROWHAVER: You mean this?
{Then there's static as we cut to The Field with Homestar Runner. There is a studio marker blocking Homestar.}
CHERRY GREG: {off-screen} Homestar Runner dot com welcome speech. Take 94. And action.
{Then the studio marker is removed as we see Homestar.}
HOMESTAR: {with speech impediments} Oh, hello! My name is Strumstar Hammer of the Aqua Teen Hunger Force!!!!
CHERRY GREG: {off-screen} Cut! Homestar, please don't tell me you forgot your own name.
HOMESTAR: What are you talking about? My name is Commander Amanolla!
{Then there's static as we go back to Blue Laser and Arrowhaver.}
BLUE LASER: NO! I MEAN THE OTHER ONE!
ARROWHAVER: Oh! That? No, I didn't watch it. I threw it away.
BLUE LASER: WHY YOU LITTLE. CONGRATULATIONS, YOU {zoom in on his face} HAVE {zoom in on his face} FAI... {zoom out to the scene before the zoom ins} PASSED!!!
ARROWHAVER: That's good.
BLUE LASER: NOBODY ON EARTH WANTS TO SEE THE BLUE LASER INTRODUCTORY VIDEO, SINCE IT WAS NEVER EDITED!
{Then there's static as we see Carl in front of a Blue Laser logo.}
CARL: Um, hello. My name is Carl, and welcome to the Cheat Commandos.
{Blue Laser comes and punches Carl in the face, knocking him down.}
BLUE LASER: YOU FOOL! WE ARE THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF THE CHEAT COMMANDOS!
{Then we go back to Blue Laser and Arrowhaver.}
ARROWHAVER: Right. So, how do I get trained?
BLUE LASER: LET'S START WITH YOUR EVIL LAUGH. MINE IS... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! OKAY. LET'S SEE YOURS.
ARROWHAVER: Okay. {pauses before laughing} Hohohohohohohohohohohohoho.
BLUE LASER: OH MY CORNBREAD! THAT WAS HORRIBLE! THAT SUCKED! DO THAT AGAIN, ONLY THIS TIME, DO IT BETTER!
ARROWHAVER: Okay. Hohohohohohohohohohohohohoho.
{Then we cut to a blockquote.}
The next lesson
{We cut to Blue Laser with a book. Arrowhaver is standing besides him.}
BLUE LASER: OKAY, YOU HAVE HUMILIATINGLY FAILED THE LAUGHING TEST THAT EVEN BARNEY PASSED! BUT LET'S TEST YOUR EVIL MIND.
{Blue Laser opens his book and reads.}
BLUE LASER: {reading} YOU SEE AN OLD LADY TRYING TO CROSS THE STREET WITH TWO GROCERY BAGS. WHAT DO YOU DO? A, LAUGH AT HER. B, KICK HER ONTO THE GROUND. C, TAKE HER GROCERY BAGS AND RUN. D, PUSH HER ONTO THE STREET. E, ALL OF THE ABOVE. OR F, HELP HER CROSS THE STREET.
ARROWHAVER: Um, well, she is an old lady, so, F.
BLUE LASER: OH CRAP!!!!! SON OF A GUN!!!!! YOU SUCK!
ARROWHAVER: Wait! Test me again.
BLUE LASER: {reading} OKAY. YOU SEE A TODDLER PLAYING WITH A BALL. WHAT DO YOU DO? A, KICK THE BALL AWAY. B, KICK HIS FACE. C, POP THE BALL. D, THROW THE BALL ONTO THE STREET WITH A TRUCK DRIVING REALLY FAST. E, ALL OF THE ABOVE. OR F, PLAY WITH HIM.
ARROWHAVER: Um, play with him?
BLUE LASER: YOU STINK A LOT!!!
{Then we cut to another blockquote.}
The third lesson {shudder}
{Then we cut to Blue Laser, Arrowhaver, and a doll of a Cheat in a room.}
BLUE LASER: OKAY, SO YOU WANTED REVENGE ON THE CHEAT COMMANDOS! LET'S SEE YOU ACTUALLY TAKE ACTION!
{Then Arrowhaver takes out his bow.}
BLUE LASER: AND DON'T USE YOUR BOW!
{Then Arrowhaver raises his fist at the doll. Just then, he lowers it and uses it to pat the Cheat.}
ARROWHAVER: It's okay. Nobody's going to hurt you.
BLUE LASER: BUT I AM GOING TO HURT YOU!!
{Blue Laser kicks the doll away and glares at Arrowhaver.}
BLUE LASER: YOU ARE THE WORST PERSON WHO TRIED TO BE A BLUE LASER MINION EVER! EVEN WORSE THAN BARNEY, MOE, CARL, AND LENNY ALL COMBINED, WHICH IS BAD!
ARROWHAVER: So what are you going to do to me? Kick me out?
BLUE LASER: NO, YOU'VE HORRIBLY WATED MY TIME, WHICH MEANS YOU MUST PAINFULLY PAY WITH...
ARROWHAVER: I know a secret passageway to the Cheat Commandos HQ, and if you kill me, I won't be there to tell you so you won't be able to do a secret attack.
BLUE LASER: DID I SAY THAT I WAS GOING TO PAINFULLY MAKE YOU PAY? NO! I WAS JUST GOING TO ACCEPT YOU INTO BLUE LASER!
ARROWHAVER: Yay!
BLUE LASER: BUT NOW, TELL ME ABOUT THIS SECRET PASSAGEWAY.
ARROWHAVER: I would, but I don't want to.
BLUE LASER: WHAT??
ARROWHAVER: You're rich, right?
BLUE LASER: YES.
ARROWHAVER: Then you have to give into my demands in order to make me tell you about this secret passageway.
BLUE LASER: DRAT AND DOUBLE DRAT! I WILL...
ARROWHAVER: That's enough. Hurt me, and you'll get no information from me.
BLUE LASER: {muttering} THIS SUCKS.
{Then the Paper comes down, saying Click here to email Gunhaver at gunhaver@homestarrunner.com..}
Easter Eggs
- Click on the Blue Laser logo in the background to see another blooper in the making of the Blue Laser Introductory Video (unedited).
{Cut to Lenny in a room.}
LENNY: Um, hello. If you join Blue Laser, then you will deeply regret your life.
BLUE LASER: {off-screen} WHAT THE?? DO YOU REALLY WANT TO NOT GET PULVERIZED EVERYDAY?
- Click on Arrowhaver to see another blooper for the Homestar Runner introductory video:
{We see a studio marker in front of Homestar Runner in The Field.}
CHERRY GREG: {tiredly} Homestar Runner dot com welcome speech. Take 100, and action.
{The studio marker is removed to show that Homestar is wearing his yellow duckie shirt.}
Homestar Runner: Happy 100th birthday, Strong Bad!
CHERRY GREG: Cut. Are you sure we can't just replace him with Strong Bad? I know that he is going to be more popular than Homestar.
Fun Facts
- Space Tree references:
- Homestar saying he's Commander Amanolla is referencing to two of the main characters of the cartoon, Commander and Allon Amanolla.
- Blue Laser saying that Arrowhaver FAI... PASSED is referencing to this episode where the boss and Tarbob (I think that's his name) say almost the same thing. (Warning, the episode has some inappropriate material, but at least the swear words are censored out)
- GI Joe is what the Cheat Commandos is based on.
- Gunhaver's head exploding is referencing to the running gag in the Homestar Runner website where The Cheat's head explodes as a running gag.
- The first introductory video with the bloopers is another blooper of First Time Here?.
- Strumstar Hammer is a name given to Homestar by Strong Bad in kids' book
- Aqua Teen Hunger Force is a real cartoon.
- Arrowhaver joined Blue Laser in Who Shot Mr. Haver? (Part 2).
- Son of a gun is not a swear.
- DRAT AND DOUBLE DRAT is from radio, said by Sir Strong Bad.
- This is the first email that shows the Blue Laser Minions not saying sir at the end of their quotes.
- Arrowhaver's knowledge of the secret passageway will be important in the future emails.
- The second Easter egg is one of the Easter eggs in flashback.
