Other Character Email Gunhaver/The Truth
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Summary
Gunhaver's job to stop the fCon Ninja threat still endangering the Cheat Commandos leads Gunhaver on a trip through time to learn a dark, terrible secret.
Cast (in order of apperance): Police Cheat, Flashfight, Gunhaver, Reinforcements, Alpha Stan, Silent Rip (voice only), fCon Ninjas, Max, Blue Laser, Voices, Military Cheats, Dortuguese Military Cheats, Voice (probably Black Laser's minion), Shadow
Page Title: Alpha 1260
Lines: 247
Transcript
{Cut to a police car driving down the street. Cut to the inside of the police car, where a Police Cheat is driving the car. Flashfight is on the back seat, handcuffed.}
POLICE CHEAT: So... want me to turn the radio on?
{Flashfight is grunting as he tries to free his hands from the handcuffs.}
POLICE CHEAT: Hey man, don't feel bad. You're not the only one who was in this situation. Heck, you're not the first Cheat Commando who was in this situation either, so you shouldn't feel like crap.
FLASHFIGHT: So, do you really think I'm Shadow?
POLICE CHEAT: Well, I'm just doing my job, but I think you are... since it's my job... and that I don't like you anyways.
FLASHFIGHT: {grunting} You have every reason to.
{Flashfight breaks free from his handcuffs by breaking the handcuff apart. Then he jumps through the back window of the car and lands on the road. Cut to the Police Cheat driving the car, freaked out by the recent action.}
POLICE CHEAT: I'd go after him, but I think he's a wizard all along. {pause} Ah well, I want doughnuts right now.
{Cut to Flashfight, getting up from the ground, running away from the road and to a forest. Fade to black.}
{Cut to Gunhaver walking down a hallway with Reinforcements.}
REINFORCEMENTS: All right, so we're still fighting the endless supply of ninjas.
GUNHAVER: At least we still have our insanity juice.
REINFORCEMENTS: Actually, that's the bad news. We're running out.
GUNHAVER: Crap! And everyone knows that insanity juice is unrenewable!
REINFORCEMENTS: No they don't!
GUNHAVER: Okay. I'm sure we can think of something.
REINFORCEMENTS: The something will inevitably require technology, and with Gyro kidnapped, we don't have it. Also, this Shadow, or Flashfight, has emptied Gyro's lab of all inventions, so we may have to go back to my old plan: slingshots.
GUNHAVER: Eh, whatever. I'm going to check an email.
REINFORCEMENTS: What??? We're in one of the most dire of situations, and you're just going to casually check an email???
GUNHAVER: Yes.
{Gunhaver walks off-screen.}
REINFORCEMENTS: {jealous} I wish I can do that too!
{Cut to Gunhaver in front of the Alpha 1260.}
GUNHAVER: Ah! Long time, no see!
ALPHA STAN: Can't you survive a month without using me?
{Pause.}
GUNHAVER: Suddenly, I don't really like you that much as I did a few seconds ago. You're just lucky we had to sell The Screen!
ALPHA STAN: Anyway, you have 19 new emails.
{Gunhaver presses a button to bring up the email on the screen.}
No subject. Have they lost their purpose?Dear Gunhaver,
How did the Cheat Commandos HQ start?
-Mitchell Smith, Australia
What is the origin? Why did the
King of Town announce the
War of the Cheats a long
time ago. How come the war involve
you guys and Blue Laser?
GUNHAVER: {reading} Dear Gunhaver, how did the Cheat Commandos HQ start? What is the origin? {monotone} Why did the King of Town announce the War of the Cheats a long time ago. How come the war involve you guys and Blue Laser? {normally} Mitchell Smith, Kangaroo Town. {typing} Well, I remember the last time you email me, Michelle... er... Mischa... er... Mitchi... pono... whatever.
{Gunhaver clears the screen.}
GUNHAVER: {typing} Well Mitch-elly, I think that the majority of your email was a bunch of stuff I'd find in fanfiction. For example: "Ripberger's Dark Side", by J.K. Tolkein;" Silent Rip and Foxface Shipping", by Crazy Shipper; and last, and hopefully least, "Gunhaver, I Am Your Father: A Narration by Blue Laser", by Galileo daVinci. Man, the last one always give me the creeps.
{Gunhaver clears the screen.}
GUNHAVER: {typing} To get to the point, Elly, the King of Town and the War crap are just a bunch of stuff you probably read in fanstuff. However, I'll say that the Cheat Commandos HQ was made by us when we started this organization. Happy?
SILENT RIP: {off-screen} Gunhaver! Your presence is required at The Screen room!
GUNHAVER: All right then. Gunhaver, AWAY!
{Gunhaver jumps off his chair and lands on the floor with a crash. Cut to an old Batman-style transition scene with the Cheat Commandos logo. Cut to Gunhaver, Reinforcements, and Silent Rip in The Screen room, sans The Screen.}
REINFORCEMENTS: Okay, here's the bad news. We're out of insanity juice. We are forced to use our inefficient slingshots. The ninja army is multiplying. Iron Prizefighter is still in his burnout. We're doomed.
GUNHAVER: {casually} Okay.
REINFORCEMENTS: However, you said that Shadow said something about a cloning machine at Blue Laser's HQ. So here's our plan. Someone goes to Blue Laser's Headquarters and deactivates the cloning machine.
GUNHAVER: And who's that someone?
{Silent Rip and Reinforcements glare at Gunhaver. There's a pause.}
GUNHAVER: {angrily} Oh, WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME??? Just beause I have a better computer than all of you doesn't mean I'm your sacrifice every single time we're going to die!
REINFORCEMENTS: Well, you were responsible for the fact that we are practically unarmed and defenseless and broke.
GUNHAVER: Oh yeah? Why don't you go?
REINFORCEMENTS: Because, I...
{Cut to a black screen with the words "OOPS!!!!".}
ANNOUNCER: {voiceover} Thefollowingscenehasbeendeletedbecauseitrevealsanon-proven"fact"thatmaymakeotherpeoplethinkthatit'strueandincorporateitintotheirfanstuffsandmakeitanopinionated
factthat'llbedebated,justliketheissueofStinkomanand1-Upreallybeingrobots.Thankyouverymuch.
{Cut to Gunhaver, Silent Rip, and Reinforcements from the previous scene.}
GUNHAVER: Crap. I'm totally convinced, despite the fact I'm walking into a death trap.
REINFORCEMENTS: That's nice. Now, it's time for Iron Prizefighter to throw you over the ninjas and to Blue Laser's HQ.
GUNHAVER: What??? I thought he had a burnout.
REINFORCEMENTS: But you're lighter than the rocks he threw, so...
{Cut to the army of fCon Ninjas in front of the Cheat Commandos HQ. It is nighttime. Suddenly, Gunhaver, screaming, flies over them.}
{Cut to a dark, blue room in Blue Laser's HQ. Gunhaver flies in through an open window and lands on a trampoline.}
GUNHAVER: Phew. Thank goodness for that one running gag! Now to deactivate that cloning machine... and I know where it is! It's {points to the right} that way!
{Gunhaver runs to the right. We hear a crash and several objects falling. Gunhaver, slightly injured, walks onscreen from the right.}
GUNHAVER: Okay, maybe it's {points to the left} that way!
{Gunhaver runs to the left. The same sound effects from before are heard. Gunhaver runs onscreen from the left.}
GUNHAVER: Okay. Maybe it's {points to the camera} that way!
{Gunhaver runs into the camera. Pan out to reveal that it's a security camera monitoring in a security room.}
VOICE: {off-screen} He's here.
{Cut to a large room with a large capsule with a computer attached to it. The caption "Several minutes later - The cloning machine room" appears. Gunhaver, looking messy, walks onscreen from the left. fCon Ninjas appear inside the capsule before they exit through an opening ot the right.}
GUNHAVER: Next time, I'll bring a map. {sees cloning machine} Okay, here it is!
{Gunhaver walks to the computer by the cloning machine and looks at it.}
GUNHAVER: Uh, what do I do? It looks very complicated.
{Cut to the computer by the cloning machine. On a keyboard attached to the computer is a big, red button. Cut back to Gunhaver.}
GUNHAVER: Oh all right! I just wanted to add to the suspense!
{Gunhaver pushes the button. fCon Ninjas cease to appear in the cloning machine.}
GUNHAVER: That was easy.
VOICE: {off-screen} Not so fast, Gunhaver.
{Gunhaver looks to the right. Cut to who Gunhaver is looking at, Max, weilding Fightgar's gun, standing on top of a platform.}
MAX: Y'see, we can't let you run along after you have shut down our cloning machine.
GUNHAVER: {off-screen} How about a trade?
MAX: How about an {points gun} "I'm the one with the gun, ya hear me?"
{Suddenly, a big blast is heard, sending Max onto the platform. He gets up and runs to the source of the blast, a big gun with Blue Laser controlling it.}
MAX: Blue Laser, you idiot! How dare you use the Time Gun!
BLUE LASER: AT LEAST I BLASTED GUNHAVER WITH A GUN!
MAX: Yeah, but you blasted him in time! He could create a paradox, or kill our future selves!
{Cut to Max and Blue Laser running past where Gunhaver was standing, where there's only a burnt mark on the floor. Cut to Max and Blue Laser in a blue room with a computer. Max types on the computer furiously until he comes to a page that satisfies him.}
MAX: Ahh... that was close... it turns out that you accidentally sent him into a time period that's perfect for our plans... for he's there... {looks at Blue Laser} Congratulations, you effectively killed Gunhaver.
BLUE LASER: YES! I ACCIDENTALLY WON!
{Cut to the roof of a skyscraper in a dark city. There's a big flash of light on the rooftop. When the light fades, Gunhaver lands on the rooftop. He gets up and looks around. A police siren blares in the background.}
GUNHAVER: Ouch. That's the last time... wait, where am I? {pause} I wonder if I can ask "when am I", since that DEFINITELY felt like time traveling!
{Suddenly, wind blows, sending a newspaper from the left flying into Gunhaver's face. Gunhaver holds the newspaper and reads the date.}
GUNHAVER: {reading} April ½, 19... Oh my Cornbread! I'm in the...! Oh wait, I already said that. {pause} This is so Back to the Future!
{Suddenly, wind blows and another newspaper from the left flies into Gunhaver's face. He holds it and reads the headline.}
GUNHAVER: {reading} The World is Doomed. {normally} Why?
{Another newspaper from the left flies into Gunhaver's face. He holds it. Cut to the headline.}
LOOK ABOVE!!!
{Cut to Gunhaver reading the newspaper. He looks above. Pan up to reveal the moon, enlarged, falling down towards the Earth. Cut back to Gunhaver. He covers his eyes with his hands.}
GUNHAVER: Eep!
{Suddenly, another newspaper from the left flies into Gunhaver's face. He crumples it and throws it down onto the rooftop.}
GUNHAVER: Where the crap ARE the newspapers coming from?
{Pan to the left to reveal a large, black tower with a skull and the letter "L". Lighting strikes in the background and a woman is heard screaming.}
GUNHAVER: {off-screen} This is worse than I thought. It's... Black Laser.
{Cut back to Gunhaver.}
GUNHAVER: But it doesn't make any sense. Wasn't Black Laser killed by Flashfight on Mt. Slowmore? Then again, it might be a rumor, just like the other ones I heard.
VOICE #1: I heard that Flashfight and Black Laser fought inside a volcano!
VOICE #2: I heard that Black Laser killed Flashfight!
VOICE #3: I heard that Flashfight is Shadow!
VOICE #4: I heard that Flashfight and Black Laser ate ice cream!
VOICE #5: I heard that Flashfight and Black Laser referenced Bo-
VOICE #6: {creepy} I heard that Flashfight and Black Laser were girls.
{Crickets chirp.}
GUNHAVER: Okay, that's it. I'm going to mess stuff up. It's better than standing here, waiting for the big block of cheese to fall on my head.
{Cut to a military base. There are military Cheats looking at monitors with the falling moon.}
MILITARY CHEAT #1: Wow. The moon is falling real fast.
MILITARY CHEAT #2: If the moon hits the earth, the earth will break in half and people will die for no scientifically proven reason. {pause} I wish we have a space agency.
NERDY MILITARY CHEAT: We can create one! We'll call it NAGSI, which stands for Nerds And Geeks Space Institute!
MILITARY CHEAT #3: NO! NO! NEVER! Instead, we must shoot missiles at the moon!
MILITARY CHEAT #1: No, better yet! We can have astronauts go to the moon so we can win the "Most Men on the Moon" competition! We can beat our rival, the Dortuguese!
{Cut to a Dortuguese military base (indicated by the different color scheme and the word "Dortugal" written in various places). There are Dortuguese military Cheats looking at monitors with the falling moon.}
DORTUGUESE MILITARY CHEAT #1: Wow. The moon is falling real fast.
DORTUGUESE MILITARY CHEAT #2: If the moon hits the earth, the earth will break in half and people will die for no scientifically proven reason. {pause} I wish we have a space agency.
DORTUGUESE NERDY MILITARY CHEAT: We can create one! We'll call it NALSI, which stands for Nerds And Losers Space Institute!
DORTUGUESE MILITARY CHEAT #3: NO! NO! NEVER! Instead, we must shoot missiles at the moon!
DORTUGUESE MILITARY CHEAT #1: No, better yet! We can have astronauts go to the moon so we can win the "Most Men on the Moon" competition! We can beat our rival, the guys who hate Dortugal!
{Cut to a black screen with the words "After that rather lazy scene...". Cut to a black room with a monitor showing the moon falling. Attached to the monitor is a flashing computer with a keyboard. Black Laser is looking at the monitor.}
BLACK LASER: Ah, yes. Things are going perfectly. My magnet is working just like I want it to. I knew the moon had the magnetic material loderock, allowing it to be pulled by my beam and into the Earth.
{Cut to a side view of Black Laser's face.}
BLACK LASER: When the time comes, I shall escape this doomed planet. Then, I shall spectate on this filthy world's demise. {zoom in on Black Laser's face} My goal will finally be accomplished.
{Cut to the entrance of the tower. Gunhaver runs to the entrance when a metallic door blocks the entrance.}
GUNHAVER: Aw crap! This is SO typical!
VOICE: {off-screen} Heads up!
{Gunhaver looks up. Suddenly, the metallic door blows up. A younger version of Flashfight, dressed in khaki military clothes, runs onscreen, weilding a missile launcher.}
PAST FLASHFIGHT: Okay, stupid citizen.
GUNHAVER: Stupid???
PAST FLASHFIGHT: This place is not for little, stupid kiddies! So why don't you just move along while I go and kill Black Laser and stop his plans!
VOICE: {from tower} Uh... any reason why?
PAST FLASHFIGHT: Because I was assigned to.
VOICE: {from tower} Oh really? That's a shame. I was assigned to kill all who were against my master.
{Suddenly, Past Flashfight shoots a missile into the entrance, creating an explosion.}
VOICE: {from tower} Ahhhh!!! {in pain} My spleen!
{Past Flashfight runs into the tower.}
GUNHAVER: Hmm... if he's going into the tower to fight Black Laser, then I must follow him and see how the battle REALLY turns out! Besides, I didn't see a single flashlight on him!
{Gunhaver runs inside the tower. Cut to Black Laser in his room. The captions "Minutes later..." appear. Past Flashfight runs onscreen and points his missile launcher at Black Laser.}
PAST FLASHFIGHT: All right, Black Laser! You're toast!
BLACK LASER: Oh, am I?
{Black Laser turns around to look at Past Flashfight. Then he gets out a gun and shoots at Past Flashfight's missile launcher, vaporizing it.}
PAST FLASHFIGHT: Well... that was unnerving.
{Pan up to reveal Gunhaver watching this from a platform.}
GUNHAVER: {thinking} Well... that was expected.
{Pan down to Past Flashfight's and Black Laser's battle.}
BLACK LASER: Your mission is futile. You are without weapons. And even if you did defeat me, the moon will take care of you! It's already too late, unless you know how to set my magnetic beam into reverse, and I seriously doubt you can do that!
PAST FLASHFIGHT: {thinking} Crap. He's right. This is hopeless! I might as well go to Plan F!
{Past Flashfight gets out his flashlight. Pan up to Gunhaver on the platform.}
GUNHAVER: {thinking} Oh man! This is it!
{Cut to Past Flashfight turning his flashlight on and shining the light at Black Laser. Black Laser looks unfazed. Suddenly, there's an even bigger flash of light that fills almost the whole area. Cut to Gunhaver.}
GUNHAVER: Gasp! I should have known! {pause} Okay, maybe I shouldn't!
{Pan down to reveal Shadow stepping out of a big, bright, white portal. Shadow grabs Black Laser's arm. Past Flashfight is on the floor.}
SHADOW: Come on. It's time to go.
BLACK LASER: Who are you?
SHADOW: Your biggest asset.
{Suddenly, Shadow looks up and throws a black ball at the platform Gunhaver's on, causing him to fall onto the floor.}
SHADOW: Don't even try, Gunhaver. It's hopeless for you ever since this started!
GUNHAVER: {in pain} Oh yeah, Flashfight?
SHADOW: {pause} Yeah. And I allow you to beat up my past self.
{Shadow drags Black Laser into the portal, which disappears once the two go in it. Cut to Gunhaver and Past Flashfight, who has just gotten onto the floor.}
PAST FLASHFIGHT: I don't know what the heck that was, but I think my view of life and science has been shattered beyond repair.
GUNHAVER: Ah shut up, Shadow!
{Gunhaver goes to attack Past Flashfight when an alarm blares.}
MECHANIZED VOICE: WARNING! WARNING! THE MOON WILL IMPACT THE EARTH IN 60 SECONDS! I REPEAT! THE MOON WILL IMPACT THE EARTH IN 55 SECONDS!
GUNHAVER: Oh crap! I forgot about the moon thing!
PAST FLASHFIGHT: {simultaneously} Oh crap! The moon is scary!
{Gunhaver and Past Flashfight run to the computer attached to the monitor. Past Flashfight reaches the computer first. He looks at the keyboard, panicking.}
PAST FLASHFIGHT: {panicking} Oh, the moon is going to crash very soon, and I don't know how to work this!
{Gunhaver looks at the keyboard. Cut to the keyboard, which consists of only one button. Cut to Gunhaver glaring at Past Flashfight.}
PAST FLASHFIGHT: Okay, I was being overdramatic.
MECHANIZED VOICE: 5... 4... 3... 2...
{Past Flashfight pushes the button. There is a big flash of white light. Cut to the exterior of Black Laser's tower. The moon is really close to the ground, falling at a very high speed. Suddenly, the moon is sent to the sky at the speed of light. The tower explodes. Fade to black. Alpha Stan appears to deliver his message.}
Click here to email Gunhaver at GEmail.exe
Easter Eggs
- Click on the fanfiction Gunhaver lists to see a review for each of the stories:
- "Ripberger's Dark Side": 5/5 - OMG! leik, it was soooooooooooo dramatic and it proved my point that ripburger is ebilebilebilebilebilebilebileallalong!! Hahahaha! Take that, you fools! - Review posted by: 1n54n17yf0rbr34kf457
- "Silent Rip and Foxface Shipping": 1/5 - You sicko! Silent Rip and Foxface do not belong with each other! **** you!!! - Review posted by: I hate you and want to kill you every day of my life
- "Gunhaver, I Am Your Father: A Narration by Blue Laser": 3/5 - Neat. - Review posted by: Gunhaver's Grandma?
- Click on Reinforcements after the censor screen to see one of the following things he did NOT say:
- REINFORCEMENTS: Because, I am your father!
- REINFORCEMENTS: Because, I am your father!
{Gunhaver falls onto the floor.}
GUNHAVER: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- REINFORCEMENTS: Because, I like prunes!
- REINFORCEMENTS: Because, I like prunes!
{Gunhaver and Silent Rip angrily point at Reinforcements.}
GUNHAVER: Heathen!
SILENT RIP: Burn him at stake!
- REINFORCEMENTS: Because I am the Candy Man!
- REINFORCEMENTS: Because I am the Candy Man!
GUNHAVER: Hey! I'm supposed to be the Candy Man!
SILENT RIP: No fair, sir! You said I'M the Candy Man!
GUNHAVER: I lied.
{Silent Rip runs away, crying.}
Fun Facts
- To understand the situtation against the fCon Ninjas, Iron Prizefighter's burnout, why Flashfight was arrested, how the Cheat Commandos know about the cloning machine, and why Shadow is suspected to actually be Flashfight, read Massacre.
- To understand why Gunhaver wasn't able to use the Alpha 1260 for about a month, read Garage Sale, Chef, and Massacre.
- To read about shipping, click here.
- J.K. Tolkein is a reference to J.K. Rowling (the author of the Harry Potter books) and J.R.R. Tolkein (the author of the Lord of the Rings books).
- Galileo da Vinci is a reference to Galileo and Leonardo daVinci.
- The transition scene is a reference to the old Batman TV series.
- The announcer in the censor scene references the belief on the Wiki that Stinkoman and 1-Up are robots, and my views on the subject. Click here to see more into the said subject.
- Gunhaver lands on a conveniently placed trampoline.
- Gunhaver references Back to the Future
- Gunhaver learning what time period he's in by reading a newspaper is from the first movie.
- This disproves the statements made about Flashfight fighting Black Laser on Mt. Slowmore in my old fanstuffs, such as Black Laser.
- NAGSI is from Thief 2 Remake.
- Loderock is based on Lodestone, a magnetic material.
