Other Character Email Gunhaver/New Recruit
From Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki
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Summary
Gunhaver decides to find a new Cheat Commando recruit. Then they do some stuff.
Cast (in order of appearance): Gunhaver, Alpha Stan, Cartee, Mysterious Person, Reynold, Reynold Fans, Steve Fans, The Unguraits (Easter egg), Tenor Man, Hillbilly Mick, Psychic Cheat, Iron Prizefighter, Nebulon (Easter egg)
Lines: 144
Transcript
{Cut to Gunhaver in front of the Alpha 1260.}
GUNHAVER: This is a generic email rap! This is a generic email rap!
ALPHA STAN:Hello Gunhaver. You have eight new emails.
GUNHAVER: Ooh, that's good!
{Gunhaver presses a button to make the following email appear on the screen.}
subject: new commandoesdear gunhaver,
crapfully yours,H*R 700
are you going to get new comandos ever?!?!
GUNHAVER: {typing} Grammar and spelling points: 50... out of 200. Anyway, assuming you were asking me if the Cheat Commandos will get a new commando, I guess it's time for us to look for one. And this time, I'll make sure this new commando is useful, since I caught Tomahaver slacking off twice, once yesterday, and again yesterday.
{Cut to a dark room. Carteen (in his robot box with arms) is floating above what looks like a multicolored warp pad. A mysterious person is standing by the controls.}
CARTEEN: So what do you want me to do? What am I doing anyway?
MYSTERIOUS PERSON: I want you to see how much stronger you've become.
CARTEEN: Wait, so you mean I'm not supposed to succeed in my mission?
MYSTERIOUS PERSON: Not exactly. It's just that your time in the past is limited, although though I am really rich and powerful, that isn't needed. However, for plot reasons, this is why you're given limited time to kill Gunhaver.
CARTEEN: Kill Gunhaver? Sweet. I've always wanted revenge on him, ever since he crippled me.
MYSTERIOUS PERSON: Well, Contestro did most of that, but he didn't cripple you. He just humiliated you. In fact, he also made you stronger.
{The mysterious person presses a button, and Carteen disappears in a flash of purple light.}
MYSTERIOUS PERSON: Hmm... Purple. I hate that color. I'm going to have to punish my servants for making the light purple.
{Cut to a random room in the Cheat Commandos HQ. Gunhaver is sitting behind a desk with some papers and a pencil. There is a large crowd of silhouettes of hopefuls in front of him.}
GUNHAVER: Hello hopeless hopefuls. I am Gunhaver, a squad leader of the Cheat Commandos. So, I will choose one of you to be a new Cheat Commando depending on how awesome you are and how useful you are. Only one of you will make it!
{The silhouettes gasp.}
GUNHAVER: Yeah, well, I only want one new commando, since we got so much stuff to do in our hands.
REYNOLD: {off-screen} No we don't!
GUNHAVER: Shut up. Oh, and by the way. If any of you are fans of Reynold, leave, now, or face the consequences.
{Cut to a door in the room, where Reynold Fans are sadly walking to. Cut back to Gunhaver in front of a smaller crowd of silhouettes.}
GUNHAVER: And that goes to Steve fans too!
{Cut to the door. Steve Fans (holding the sign "We are not Unguraits!") are sadly walking to the door. Cut back to Gunhaver, where the crowd of silhouettes is even smaller.}
GUNHAVER: Oh, and as for Firebert fans...
{More fans leave as the crowd of silhouettes is even smaller.}
GUNHAVER: Okay, now that we've eliminated a lot of hopeless hopefuls through round 1, let's do round 2, which is actually the final round. Anyway, hopeful #1, show me your stuffs! Er, stuff.
{Cut to hopeful #1, who is dressed as a tenor (with the suit and all).}
GUNHAVER: {off-screen} Okay, so why should I pick you to be a Cheat Commando?
TENOR-MAN: Well, I am Tenor-Man. I can sing to annoy my enemies to insanity. Allow me to demonstrate.
GUNHAVER: {off-screen} No, I won't allow you to demonstrate. In fact, get out. You fail.
TENOR-MAN: What??? Why? My singing can annoy Blue Laser!
GUNHAVER: {off-screen} Number a, I hate singing. Number b, I hate music overall. And number c, you're very likely to launch into a musical, which is torture! {shudders}
{Just then, the following appears over Tenor-Man as there is a loud buzzer sound.}
FAILED!!!
GUNHAVER: {off-screen} Now time for hopeful #2.
{Cut to hopeful #2, who looks like a hillbilly.}
HILLBILLY MICK: {laughs stupidly} Huh-huh! Hey cowboy! My name is Hillbilly Mick! I am a superstar! {laughs stupidly}
GUNHAVER: {off-screen} No, you suck. In fact, why don't you go be Wedginator's best friend? Yeah, go to Forgot How Bed Tunnel Gibberish Street. But since you're a hillbilly, you...
{Cut to the following. An announcer reads the following.}
NOTICE
What Gunhaver says during this message is offensive towards all hillbillies in the world, or America. To prevent losing viewers for Gunhaver email (and to prevent Gunhaver being shipped off to Retroville again), this message will be read while Gunhaver gives his insults. The message will end when I stop reading, now. Okay, that's all.
{Cut to a heartbroken Hillbilly Mick. The following is stamped over him while there is a buzzer sound.}
FAILED!!!
{Cut to hopeful(s) #3, two Steve fans.}
GUNHAVER: {off-screen} I told you no Steve fans!
STEVE FAN #1: Oh... that sucks.
{The following is stamped over them as there's a buzzer sound.}
FAILED!!! (not that they had a chance)
{Cut to hopeful #4, who is Psychic Cheat.}
PSYCHIC CHEAT: {muttering} Redrum, redrum, redrum, redrum, redrum, redrum...
GUNHAVER: {off-screen} GET LOST YOU CREEP!
{The following is stamped over Psychic Cheat with a buzzer sound.}
FAILED AND EXTREMELY
HOPELESS!!! (not that he had a chance)
{Cut to hopeful #5, Iron Prizefighter.}
GUNHAVER: {off-screen} Give me a reason not to fail you.
IRON PRIZEFIGHTER: Well, I'm the last hopeful left.
GUNHAVER: {off-screen} Yeah? So?
IRON PRIZEFIGHTER: I can punch Reynold to the moon. Watch.
{Cut to a room where Gunhaver is watching Iron Prizefighter and Reynold.}
REYNOLD: What do you want?
{Just then, Iron Prizefighter throws Reynold into the air and punches him, sending him flying at a very fast speed, screaming.}
REYNOLD: {off-screen} NO! THE AIR IS TOO THIN! I'M STILL HAVE ASTHMA!!!
GUNHAVER: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! That was great! Iron Prizefighter, you're definitely a Cheat Commando!
IRON PRIZEFIGHTER: Yes!
GUNHAVER: But now, you have to be trained in the obstacle course! {shouting} Reynold, set up the obstacle course!
IRON PRIZEFIGHTER: I just punched Reynold to the moon, remember?
GUNHAVER: Oh, yeah, right. {disdainfully} Crap. Then let's just go to the mountains for no reason by plane.
{Cut to the mountains. Gunhaver and Iron Prizefigher are walking on a dangerous and steep mountain path.}
IRON PRIZEFIGHTER: So what are we doing here?
GUNHAVER: I just told you we're here for no reason! Sheesh! Some people are just deaf!
CARTEEN: {off-screen} But some people are just dead meat!
GUNHAVER: That voice. It sounds familiar, and... I'll just cut to the cliché. It's Carteen.
{Just then, there is an explosion as Gunhaver is sent flying back. Then Carteen (in the metal box) floats to the scene.}
CARTEEN: Yes Gunhaver, it is I. Carteen! I have now returned to kick your butt and then kill you!
GUNHAVER: {off-screen} Wait, I thought you were dead.
CARTEEN: Well, we'll just cut the explanation crap and get on with the battle!
{Just then, Gunhaver jumps onscreen, whips out his pistol, and shoots a bullet at Carteen, doing nothing.}
CARTEEN: Foolish Gunhaver! This is not the real me! And if this was, it wouldn't have done a greater effect! Now let me show you my true new power!
{Just then, there is an explosion. The metallic box with the claws are seen falling off a cliff. As the smoke clears, Carteen's new form is revealed. He has crazy red shades that change according to his eye expressions. He has a green tentacle and a red claw for arms. Most of all, the bottom half of his body is fire that is burning the ground below. Ominous music plays while we see the changes.}
GUNHAVER: Oh crap. What happened to you? Demented plastic surgery? I mean, you have a tentacle for a right arm!
CARTEEN: Yeah, well, don't judge a book by its cover.
GUNHAVER: Ew! Now you use literature sayings! You've definitely gone for worse!
CARTEEN: Worse? Oh, I'll show you worse!!!
{Just then, Carteen glows white as suddenly, stones, pebbles, rocks, water, plants, trees, and even air is being absorbed into a large white energy ball. Then he throws the white ball at Gunhaver, who tries to run away from it. He fails, and he gets struck by the white ball, creating a large explosion. When the smoke clears, he is nowhere in sight, but there's a large smoking crater where he was hit.}
IRON PRIZEFIGHTER: NO! That was too unfair!
{Carteen turns to Iron Prizefighter.}
CARTEEN: Unfair? You want to know what's unfair? Why, it's me killing you with extreme super powers!
IRON PRIZEFIGHTER: Oh yeah? Take this!
{Then Iron Prizefighter dives to Carteen to punch him, but Carteen raises his tentacle and sends Iron Prizefighter flying into a mountain wall. Then Carteen shoots a beam out of his claw at Iron Prizefighter, hurting him even more.}
CARTEEN: Any last words, Iron Loser?
IRON PRIZEFIGHTER: Yeah, and it's not going to be about how you know my name. It's TAKE THIS!!
{Then Iron Prizefighter turns around, lifts up the MOUNTAIN, turns around, and throws it at Carteen. Carteen lifts up his tentacle and claw at the mountain, but he can't hold the huge mass back away from him.}
CARTEEN: Grr... I haven't mastered my powers yet! But I will learn! Until next time, I will kill you!
{Then Carteen disappears as the mountain crashes onto the ground and crumbles into a large rock pile. Cut to a sad Iron Prizefighter.}
IRON PRIZEFIGHTER: Why didn't I do that earlier? Now Gunhaver's dead!
{Just then, Gunhaver walks onscreen.}
GUNHAVER: 'Sup?
IRON PRIZEFIGHTER: {contentedly} Gunhaver! You're alive!
GUNHAVER: Yeah, but this strangest thing happened to me. Just when I was about to get hit, a beam was shot at me, sent me to this future place with weird creatures, and sent me back here.
IRON PRIZEFIGHTER: I'd say that's cool, but I heard rumors that you're starting to grow insane...
GUNHAVER: Say that again, and I'll kick you out of the Cheat Commandos!
IRON PRIZEFIGHTER: Sorry.
{Cut to Gunhaver in front of the Alpha.}
GUNHAVER: {typing} You know, H Star 07? Iron Prizefighter's not that bad. Sure, he's capable of stealing glory, but at least he can punch Reynold to the moon. {stops typing} I wonder how he's suffering on the moon?
{Then Alpha Stan appears below what Gunhaver typed.}
ALPHA STAN:Click here to email Gunhaver at GEmail.exe
Easter Eggs
- Click on the Steve Fans' signs to see The Unguraits drawn in Powered by the Steve style.
- During the NOTICE, click on Retroville to see a postcard of Retroville.
- Click on the moon to see this:
{Cut to Reynold on the moon.}
REYNOLD: Okay, the laws of science are broken here, since I'm still alive in space.
{Nebulon walks onscreen.}
NEBULON: {alien language}
REYNOLD: No thanks. No one likes your style.
{Nebulon gets angry and tackles Reynold. Then there's a scream. Cut to Reynold, who wakes up on the floor in the Cheat Commandos HQ.}
REYNOLD: Whoa! What a nightmare! I was on the moon and I was being killed by an alien!
{Iron Prizefighter walks onscreen.}
IRON PRIZEFIGHTER: Okay Reynold. Punching time again. Gunhaver's coming.
Fun Facts
- To learn how Carteen was crippled by Gunhaver and Contestro, read this.
- The Steve Fans' signs reference to Stealing. Also, that's where the poorly-drawn Unguraits come from.
- To know why Gunhaver hates musicals, read this.
- The FAILED blockquotes are the same blockquotes used for the Dreamcast in thatkidsam.muffin.
- The notice references to Retro. Also, Retroville was in emails 20, 21, and 23.
- Psychic Cheat was from Ungurait (and also in a flashback in Killing).
- Carteen's manic form is actually his real form, according to Mr. Cradgage.
- "Don't judge a book by it's cover" is a saying not only used for literature, but for stuff concerning first impressions.
- If you want to know, Gunhaver was sent to 30X1.
- "No one likes your style" is a running gag that concerns Nebulon. It's used more on the Fanstuff Wiki than on the actual site.
