Other Character Email Gunhaver/Crapbert
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Summary
Instead of a regular Gunhaver email, we get to see how Frostbite, Power Punch, and Blast Maverick (in other words, the Cheat Rangers) are doing and how they answer email. Then they encounter a primitive but dangerous species almost as dangerous as the Unguraits, but dumber.
Cast (in order of appearance): Frostbite, Blast Maverick, Power Punch, Crapbert, McCrapatolas, Gunhaver, Reynold (Easter Egg)
Lines: 125
Transcript
{We cut to somewhere in Potamia (which is rather barren and cloudy). Frostbite is walking down a hill, carrying a harpoon that has a rotten T-bone steak bitten twice attached to it. Then he goes to a cave and goes inside after opening a metallic door by putting in a password. Then we cut to a rocky room with some machinery. Blast Maverick is examining one of his SMGs while Power Punch is reading a comic book. Then Frostbite arrives.}
BLAST MAVERICK: Well, it's about ruddy time you've come. What the crap took you so long?
FROSTBITE: Oh, just shut up! You know how hard it is to get food in Potamia?
POWER PUNCH: Isn't there a supermarket right next to this cave called the Potamian Cave Supermarket? In fact, that supermarket is also part of the Potamian Cave Mall.
FROSTBITE: Well... do you know how hard it is for an Eskimo Cheat to buy food in a supermarket?
BLAST MAVERICK: Nonsense! I've seen hundreds of Eskimos in that mall. You've just been wasting our time because you want to hunt like actual Eskimos.
FROSTBITE: True, true. But next time, one of you will get food.
BLAST MAVERICK: Make Power Punch go. All he does is to eat and read comic books.
POWER PUNCH: At least it's educational! And all you do is to look over your weapons, but you don't do anything else!
BLAST MAVERICK: Oh yeah? Well, I set up not only the Compo 586 we found on the highway, but I've also set up the hacking program.
POWER PUNCH: Okay, you win.
FROSTBITE: {to Blast Maverick} Well, why didn't you say so? Let's check it out!
{Then the three Cheats gather in front of the Compo 586 (which looks like a cross between the Compy 386 and the Delta 1001). After Blast Maverick types a lot, the following is on the screen.}
Welcome to the Delta 1001 Systems that you can hack into:{Blast Maverick types in
What would you like to do?
- Answer other people's emails
- Use the Internet
- And the other stuff
Answer other people's emailsto make the following pop up on the screen.}
Whose email would you like to answer?
- Gunhaver (1 new)
- Fhqwhgads Master (0)
- n00b! N00B! (-5)
- w00t! (?)
- And the others (a lot of new)
POWER PUNCH: Hey! Isn't Gunhaver that guy from the Cheat Commandos?
FROSTBITE: Yeah, he is.
BLAST MAVERICK: Then let's steal an email from him.
{Then Blast Maverick types ingunhaver_email.exe.}
POWER PUNCH: {singing} The Cheat Rangers are finally answering emails!
Blast Maverick and Frostbite: {simultaneously} We're not the Cheat Rangers!
{Then Blast Maverick presses enter to make the following email pop up on the screen. Blast Maverick reads it.}
Dear Gunhaver,
If you are made of crap,
why can you talk?
Crapfully,
Crapbert
FROSTBITE: Who is this Crapbert?
POWER PUNCH: Or what is this Crapbert?
{Pause}
FROSTBITE: Nah, I'm pretty sure it's who.
BLAST MAVERICK: All right, I'll be doing the answering of this ruddy email. {typing} All right Crapbert, let me ask you this: How do you type if you're made of crap? Eh? You obviously are an idiot!
FROSTBITE: Yeah!
POWER PUNCH: Actually, I think...
BLAST MAVERICK: Shut up. {typing} Didn't you learn from biology that we are Cheats, and Cheats aren't made of crap? But let's take a look at your species, the McCrapatolas, it that right, Frostbite?
FROSTBITE: Uh, I guess so, but let's look at the Internet.
{So, Blast Maverick furiously types in on the Compo 586's keyboard. We only see the back of the computer while this happens. Soon, we get to see what's on the screen.}
Internet entry:
McCrapatolas:
They are a primitive species known to be extinct until this day when they were seen in the Potamian Caves area. They are not made of crap, for that would be gross. Instead, they have crap-for-brains They are very dangerous because they are cannibals. No, they're not Unguraits nor Unguraits without clothes.
FROSTBITE: Do you think that this is real? I mean, this all seems like a big quack of a website to me.
CRAPBERT: {off-screen} Sss... I don't think so.
{Then we cut to Crapbert (a McCrapatola) in front of hissing McCrapatolas.}
CRAPBERT: We are now going to eat you all, since you have insulted us and shown us to the public.
FROSTBITE: But, you know, didn't we state the facts about you?
CRAPBERT: Oh, then, how about that second one, the one where you said you were going to give us vegetables to eat.
POWER PUNCH: Wow, these guys are dumb.
{Then the McCrapatolas start hissing angrily.}
CRAPBERT: WHAT??? How dare you insult us!
BLAST MAVERICK: But that's the ruddy truth!
CRAPBERT: No you didn't! You called us smart! Let's eat them!
{Then the McCrapatolas start hissing happily. Then they start marching towards the three Cheats.}
BLAST MAVERICK: Ah, screw these freaks!
{Then Blast Maverick takes out his two SMGs and creates sound with them (since they have only blanks), scaring the McCrapatolas and Crapbert. Then they all run away.}
FROSTBITE: Great job, Blast Maverick! You didn't force me to make my harpoon dirty by attacking them.
POWER PUNCH: As well as my fists!
BLAST MAVERICK: Ah shut up, you two. I just love my SMGs no matter what.
METALLIC VOICE: {off-screen} Now counting down. Bomb will detonate in one hour. 3600... 3559... 3558...
BLAST MAVERICK: Crap! We're extremely screwed!
POWER PUNCH: Let's run for our lives!
FROSTBITE: We don't need to. We've got about 59 minutes until the cave blows up. We can use this time to take out our furniture so we can take them to a new home.
BLAST MAVERICK: Good thing those ruddy McCrapatolas are dumb. Otherwise, they would have used a bomb that would have blown up right about now.
POWER PUNCH: But where did they get that bomb? Aren't they crap-for-brains?
METALLIC VOICE: {off-screen} Now speeding up countdown starting from 368. 368... 358... 348... 338... 328... 318... 308...
BLAST MAVERICK: {beep}! They are smarter than we thought! We've barely got anytime to evacuate all of our furniture!
POWER PUNCH: Let's take with us all of our valuables!
FROSTBITE: What about the computer?
METALLIC VOICE: {off-screen} Now speeding the countdown again by two. 218... 198...
BLAST MAVERICK: Screw the computer! We can get a new one!
METALLIC VOICE: {off-screen} 148... 128... 108...
{Then we cut to the three Cheats, screaming while bringing their valuables (the SMGs, Frostbite's spear, Power Punch's comic book) and running towards the exit when they crash into the metallic door. Blast Maverick quickly begins putting in the password.}
METALLIC VOICE: {off-screen} 58... 48... 38... 28... 18... 8...
{Just as the three Cheats exit the cave, the cave explodes behind them, taking everything inside the cave with it. Power Punch, Blast Maverick, and Frostbite barely avoid being burnt to a crisp. The mall next to the ruins of the cave is unharmed. The McCrapatolas are watching from far away.}
CRAPBERT: {shouting} Take this as a warning, you freaks!
{Then the McCrapatolas walk off.}
POWER PUNCH: So, want to go into the mall and live there?
BLAST MAVERICK: I still feel like I need to break those ruddy McCrapatolas' necks. But yeah, let's go.
{Then we cut to the Cheat Commandos HQ computer room where Gunhaver is in front of the Delta 1001.}
GUNHAVER: You gotta dime, I gotta something better than lime. It's an email!
{Gunhaver types ingunhaver_email.exeto make the following message appear on the screen.}
No new messages
GUNHAVER: WHAT??? Are you saying that nobody emailed me this past week?
{Gunhaver faces the camera while shaking it.}
GUNHAVER: {angrily} THANKS FOR NOTHING!!!
{Then Gunhaver storms off to the right. The Paper comes down, saying: Click here to email Gunhaver at: gunhaver@homestarrunner.com.}
Easter Eggs
- Click on new to see this:
{We cut to the inside of the Potamian Cave mall. Frostbite, Blast Maverick, and Power Punch are sleeping on the benches at night. Then a guard Cheat comes with a bat. Right before he swings, the Easter Egg ends.}
- Wait for 10 to 15 seconds to see this:
{We cut to Gunhaver pounding a small statue of a McCrapatola with a mallet, angrily. Then Reynold comes.}
REYNOLD: What are you doing this for?
GUNHAVER: I don't know. I just think this statue is just a big piece of crap.
REYNOLD: No! It's art!
GUNHAVER: That's why I'm pounding it with his mallet!
Fun Facts
- The original version of this email was going to have Gunhaver answer this email and ask Dr. Croctor (from Cheesy films) and Gyro (a fake character made in Cheat Commandos Characters) about the email he received. It was going to be boring. The next version was going to be more like tape-leg, but instead, I made the email like this.
- The Cheat Rangers (Blast Maverick, Frostbite, and Power Punch) first made their appearance in Black Laser.
- That email was where the name Cheat Rangers was made. Blast Maverick and Frostbite disliked the name in that said email.
- They were made in the Cheat Commandos Characters section.
- This takes place before the events in Cheat Commandos to the Max, so we get to see what the Cheat Rangers did before they came to help the Cheat Commandos fight against Blue Laser and his forces.
- Potamia was a made up country made by the Brother Chaps.
- McCrapatola came from the word Crapatola, which was the page title for the Poopsmith's character video.
- The Unguraits were characters rejected by the Brother Chaps. They're known to be cannibals.
- In a future email, the Cheat Rangers will be making another appearance, as well as the McCrapatolas.
- Gunhaver breaks the fourth wall by shouting at the audience.
- The way this email is answered is familiar to the way the emails are answered in Joshua's (the emailer of this email) Tampo emails, but the cave blowing up was not an idea based on future.
