Other Character Email Gunhaver/HAL 9000
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Summary
Alpha Stan is questioned if he knows about HAL 9000. He brings back memories, even though he's just an S.A.M. built into a computer. Meanwhile, the Cheat Commandos do some stuff, even though they're practically broke.
Cast (in order of appearance): Gunhaver, Alpha Stan, Ympoc Employees, Revahnug, Random Cheats, Silent Rip, Fightgar, Reynold, Beta Clam, Crackotage, Foxface, Flashfight, Ripberger, Crackotage, Jewel, Gyro, Sergeant Marshie, Flying Taco, Cows, Beta Oyster, Reinforcements, HAL 9000 (Easter Egg), Two Wiki Users (Easter Egg)
Lines: 134
Page Title: Alpha 1260
Transcript
{Cut to Gunhaver in front of the Alpha 1260.}
GUNHAVER: Chew-a chew-a email! Chew-a chew-a rock on! I got email like the day is long! I got points off for unoriginality! {pause} Wait, the ending doesn't sound right.
Hello Gunhaver, you have 17 emails.
{Gunhaver presses a button to make the following email appear on the screen. He reads it.}
Subject:Dr. Dave Bowman
Dear revahnug
Does Alpha Stan Know HAL 9000?
GUNHAVER: {typing} Well, stupid hero name, you clearly got the wrong email address here, for my name isn't Revahnug! Who the crap is he supposed to be? Some random guy we knew who died years ago?
{When Alpha Stan speaks, his words will appear on the screen without the face appearing. His voice will be heard.}
ALPHA STAN: Well, Gunhaver, Revahnug was one of my many creators.
GUNHAVER: Oh, I... really can care less.
ALPHA STAN: On the contrary, Gunhaver...
{Gunhaver types, cutting off Alpha Stan.}
GUNHAVER: {typing} Anyway, does Alpha Stan know (which I assume is not a name) Hybrid Alligator Ladies 9000, or 9000 Hybrid Alligator Ladies? I'll ask him, or it. Alpha Stan, do you know 9,000 Hybrid Alligator Ladies?
ALPHA STAN: No, I don't, but I will now continue what I was talking about when you rudely...
GUNHAVER: Okay, so until then, this is the email. I have to go do some average stuff. Bye!
{Gunhaver runs off-screen. However, Alpha Stan doesn't say his usual message. Instead, he continues.}
ALPHA STAN: You may know my history, but if you don't, I'll fill you in on the story...
{Cut to a large, advanced, building with glass walls that you can't see through. It also has a high security system.}
ALPHA STAN: {voiceover} I was created by the computer company, Ympoc... Er... Ympoc.
TECHNICIAN: {off-screen} Oh.
{Pan right to a smaller building, labeled "COMPY".}
ALPHA STAN: {voiceover} HEY! Who drew this???
{Lightning strikes the Compy company. Pan right to a slightly larger building, labeled "YMPOC".}
ALPHA STAN: {voiceover} Ah... that's better. Anyway, this was where I was made when the people of Ympoc wanted to make a better computer than the Compy's pathetic Lappy 486, which turned out to be a big financial flop.
{Cut to a room where employees are standing around a table with an Alpha 1260. One of them has a nametag indicating that he's Revahnug. The Alpha 1260 turns on, and Alpha Stan appears on the screen.}
THIS ALPHA STAN: Hello new user. My name is Alpha Stan, your guide to the Alpha 1260.
{Meanwhile, the Ympoc employees are cheering and crying in joy.}
ALPHA STAN: {voiceover} I was a mark of revolution in computer industry.
{Cut to a Cheat in front of the Alpha 1260 with Alpha Stan on the screen. The Cheat (not The Cheat) squeals in delight and falls.}
ALPHA STAN: {voiceover} It was meant to be Ympoc's Golden Age.
{Cut to Gunhaver, Silent Rip, and Fightgar in a room.}
GUNHAVER: All right, Cheat Commandos! It's time for us to have target practice down at the shooting gallery!
SILENT RIP: But we can't!
GUNHAVER: Why?
FIGHTGAR: We sold our guns and our shooting gallery to that Max guy!
GUNHAVER: We still have rocks!
SILENT RIP: But what about the targets!
GUNHAVER: We only need one, and it's standing right over there!
{Gunhaver points off-screen. Pan right to reveal he's pointing to Reynold.}
REYNOLD: Who? Me?
{Suddenly, rocks are thrown at him. Reynold screams as he tries to run away, but one rock hits him square on the back of his head, knocking him onto the floor.}
FIGHTGAR: {off-screen} Awesome! Direct hit!
{Cut to Alpha Stan on the Alpha 1260.}
ALPHA STAN: The Ympoc Company was supposed to be undefeatable after that, but before my creation, the Ympoc Company split into two, the one where I wasn't made being named Roadkill Automatrons, which created the "Wolfcry" line of products. A year after I was created, Roadkill has created the greatest evil known to existance...
{Cut to a large, black screen on a wall. On it is a cyan version of Alpha Stan, only it has different eyes.}
ALPHA STAN LOOK-A-LIKE: Hello new user. My name is Beta Clam.
{Thunder is heard off-screen.}
ALPHA STAN: {voiceover} From then on, Roadkill began to terrorize the minds of those millions of young and innocent citizens all over the world with the monstrosity that is related to seafood.
{Cut to another Cheat in front of a widescreen on a wall. Beta Clam is talking, but no sound is coming out. Cut to the Cheat, who looks fascinated.}
ALPHA STAN: {voiceover} WHAT??? He's supposed to be being killed by Beta Clam, not fascinated! Who drew this scene???
{Cut to Gunhaver in a room, doing nothing. Crackotage walks onscreen, carriying a cart with a bunch of envelopes.}
CRACKOTAGE: I have brought to you plenty more bills, I think we can fill up 10 landfills! He-he-hah-hah!
GUNHAVER: There's no need! We have enough now!
{Gunhaver picks up the cart and chucks the bills off-screen. Pan left to reveal the bills have been thrown into a MOUNTAIN of bills. Then he gets out a lighter and burns the entire mountain, creating a large fire.}
GUNHAVER: CAMPFIRE TIME!!!
{Suddenly, Silent Rip, Fightgar, Foxface, Flashfight, Ripberger, Crackotage, Jewel, and Gyro huddle around the burning pile of bills. Some relaxing music plays in the background.}
SILENT RIP: Suddenly, I wish we have marshmallows.
{Abruptly cut to a military background with Sergeant Marshie.}
SERGEANT MARSHIE: Which is why you should buy my new...
{Suddenly, Sergeant Marshie gets tackled off-screen by a flying taco. Cut back to Alpha Stan on the Alpha 1260.}
ALPHA STAN: So what if Beta Clam has 100m3 of space, does computer functions, controls mansions, and draws energy from solar panels? I know that Beta Clam is corrupt.
{Cut to a Cheat in front of a screen with Beta Clam.}
CHEAT: Play music for me, Beta Clam!
BETA CLAM: NEVER!!!
{Suddenly, the screen shoots electricity at the Cheat, frying him into ashes. Beta Clam laughs evilly. Cut to another Cheat in front of a screen with Beta Clam.}
CHEAT: I want to play a very cool game!
BETA CLAM: Instead, I'll quote a famous catchphrase from a famous game: "YOUR HEAD A SPLODE!"
{Suddenly, the Cheat's head blows up (ala The Cheat). Then there's a bigger explosion, causing smoke to fill the screen. Beta Clam's evil laughter can be heard. Cut to a third Cheat in front of a screen with Beta Clam.}
BETA CLAM: In Soviet Russia, cows punch YOU!
{Suddenly, a hundred cows materialize around the horrified Cheat and start punching him. Cut back to Alpha Stan.}
ALPHA STAN: The Beta Clams all over the world are slowly taking control. Soon, they will start a domination against their opposition, trapped in their forces. By then, all will be lost. However, there is a way to stop them. Each separate Beta Clam has their own weakness.
{Cut to a montage of various techniques of glitching the Beta Clam's systems and their results as Alpha Stan describes them.}
ALPHA STAN: {voiceover} The various weaknesses include bugs, bugs (the slimy kind), cats, rats, snails, tomatoes, gunpowder, and raw fish. The varoius results include a spontaneous flood, a volcano eruption, burnt food, gibberish from Beta Clam, and breaking reality to induce a montage. However, all of these are meaningless.
{A question mark appears in front of a black screen.}
ALPHA STAN: {voiceover} What matters more is the mainframe of ALL Beta Clam systems, the Beta Oyster.
{Cut to a large, square building. Suddenly, a cyan face appears on it. A thunderstorm starts. Cut to Gunhaver and Reinforcements in the Screen room. The Screen is absent. Reinforcements still has his new, silver rocket launcher backpack from the previous email.}
GUNHAVER: Well, as long as the Blue Las-alert isn't blaring, we can safely assume that Blue Laser isn't up to something bad, so we can all live peacefully!
{Suddenly, an explosion is heard far away. It's accompanied with screechy laughter.}
GUNHAVER: I said "we can safely assume that Blue Laser isn't up to something bad, so we can all live peacefully!"
REINFORCEMENTS: I'd take action anyway, but {indicating backpack} this stupid piece of crap is STILL not working.
GUNHAVER: Blame this on Reynold. He broke the Blue Las-alert again! Go do something bad and humilating to him!
REINFORCEMENTS: Yes sir!
{Reinforcements runs off. Suddenly, there's a brief blackout.}
GUNHAVER: I'm going to go shut down the Alpha Stan. Can't risk using a battery charger now.
{Cut to Alpha Stan on the Alpha 1260.}
ALPHA STAN: The destruction of the Beta Oyster will result in the destruction of all Beta Clam systems in the known universe, and I happen to have been programmed with instructions in how to destroy it. Listen carefully, I can't risk repeating myself.
{Tense music starts to play.}
ALPHA STAN: First, you must attack the Beta Oyster's exterior with a form of a high energy blast. Only then, its defenses will be weakened enough for you to break a hole in its exterior and enter its interior. Then...
{Gunhaver walks onscreen and sits on his chair in front of the desk.}
GUNHAVER: Hey Stanny, I have to shut down the computer now, since I don't want you to run out of energy without any battery charger or anything.
ALPHA STAN: ...you must shoot at its...
{Gunhaver presses a button to shut down the Alpha 1260, making Alpha Stan disappear.}
GUNHAVER: Anyway, that's it. {pause} I suppose I was a little too mean to Alpha Stan today. I'll spare him the task of delivering the usual ending message that has something to do with a brick wall.
{Gunhaver gets out a piece of lined paper and writes on it. Then he tapes the piece of paper on the Alpha's screen. Then Gunhaver walks off-screen. This is what the lined paper says.}
Click here to email ME (the best guy ever) at that email address... um... GEmail.something
Easter Eggs
- Click on the pen on the desk to see this scene:
{Cut to Gunhaver and Gyro in a room.}
GUNHAVER: You haven't made any inventions in a while. Why?
GYRO: Well, I recently finished did some programming.
GUNHAVER: What, on my Alpha 1260?
GYRO: Why... yes. Why?
GUNHAVER: {angrily} YOU IDIOT!!!
{Suddenly, Gunhaver starts to strangle Gyro.}
- Click on the Alpha screen to see this:
{Cut to HAL 9000, a red sphere on a black wall. It flashes when it speaks.}
HAL 9000: I'm lonely.
- Click on the HAL 9000 to see this after the Easter Egg finishes:
{Cut to Markie, a cyan Yoshi with a red cap, in front of the Bluey OS 289, watching the Easter Egg with HAL 9000.}
MARKIE: You know, I feel the same way. I'm never referenced. People always reference Joshua's fanstuff, Shim-Sham-Sam's fanstuff, and Super Sam's fanstuff! They never reference OCE Ice Machine or my WUE! And why do people love Super Sam so much anyway??? He only has a blog and this email show that practically never updates! I know I'm acting out of character, but... WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY REFERENCE MY FANSTUFF???
VOICE: {off-screen} It's because you're never online. Speaking of which, it's high time for you to do your freakin Strong Mad voice acting already! I'm already five days behind schedule! I don't want to watch Bonus Stage!
MARKIE: {annoyed} Coming, Super Sam. Let's meet at the cliff first.
{Markie gets out an ion cannon and walks off-screen. Then this notice appears.}
No offense to the Wiki users referenced. It's just for this Easter Egg. Sorry if you're too out of character.
Fun Facts
- Gunhaver's email intro/rap is based on one of Strong Bad's Scroll Button Songs.
- Click on the Wikipedia link in the HAL 9000 Easter Egg to read about HAL 9000.
- Some of Alpha Stan's history was mentioned in Reynold's Commandos.
- To know about the cause of the Cheat Commandos' current condition (and the JRBRR's replacement), read fCon.
- The information about Beta Clam is from Entry 43 and Beta Clam's character page.
- This is another instance of my new Flying Tacos running gag.
- "YOUR HEAD A SPLODE" is one of Vector Strong Bad's catchphrases, first said in video games.
- Beta Clam's line before the cows punch one of the Cheats is a reference to the Russian reversal jokes.
- The line is also a reference to Punching Cows.
- Reynold was blamed for breaking the Blue Las-alert in season 5 (or season 3 (note that that event wasn't influenced by Arrowhaver or Contestro Sevornkey)).
- Gunhaver's written message at the end breaks the fourth wall.
- The point of the second Easter Egg shows that HAL 9000 wasn't properly talked about in the email at all.
- The third Easter Egg references the following (note that most of these references are specific to the time this email was made):
- Markie's complaints that his fanstuff (Other Character Email Ice Machine and Markie & BurninatorBoombox Emails being among them) aren't being referenced anymore
- Homsar's Blog
- Imitation Strong Bad E-mails
- Its updates, which take too long
- Markie doing Strong Mad's voice in h-asterisk-rmy.
- Super Sam making a promise that he'll watch Bonus Stage if he doesn't finish the email by February 1
- The fact that he's currently six days behind schedule
- A vague reference to Markie's pushing someone off a cliff/jumping off a cliff gag
- Markie's use of ion cannons in his WUE.
