Other Character Email Gunhaver/fCon
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Summary
Gunhaver decides to buy the Cheat Commandos new weapons. Too bad he didn't know what happened in email 71.
Cast (in order of appearance): Gunhaver, Alpha Stan, Fightgar, Jewel, Silent Rip, Reinforcements, Foxface, fCon Ninjas, Max E. Million, Silent Rip, Blue Laser, Blue Laser Minions, Reynold (voice and Easter Egg), Ripberger, Judge Anonymousy, Mr. Obvious (voice in Easter Egg), 1-Up (Easter Egg)
Lines: 165
Page Title: Alpha 1260
Transcript
{Cut to Gunhaver in front of the Alpha 1260.}
GUNHAVER: Kicking the email's murderer in the teeth! Hteet eth ni reredrum s'liame eht gnikcik!
Hello Gunhaver. You have 18 new emails.
{Gunhaver presses a button to make the following email appear. He reads it.}
Subject: [fCon]Dear Gunhaver:
PS: Our employees will be distinguishable by their purple name badges with the fCon logo.
Based on an email sent from your organization, I know that
said organization uses various high-tech devices, some which may be obsolete.
We are a leading competitior in the field of military-grade elelctronics such as yours.
I will be sending salesmen so that you may upgrade what you have now.
CEO
Future Control Industries
GUNHAVER: {typing} fCon? I've heard of that, WHEN I TIME TRAVELED TO THE FUTURE! It doesn't exist. Also, we don't need new weapons!
FIGHTGAR: {off-screen} My gun's broken again!
JEWEL: {off-screen} So are mine!
SILENT RIP: {off-screen} I don't even have a gun!
REINFORCEMENTS: {off-screen} My rockets keep on firing at random directions at random times!
{An explosion is heard.}
REINFORCEMENTS: {off-screen} See?
FOXFACE: {off-screen} I want new make-up!
GUNHAVER: {typing} I was just deaf to that. But fCon doesn't exist.
{Suddenly, a blur of grey flies across the screen. Gunhaver is gone.}
FOXFACE: {off-screen} I still want new make-up!
{Cut to a purple warehouse in a district of warehouses. Cut to the interior of the warehouse, which is dark and is lit by a sparse amount of lightbulbs. Gunhaver is strapped to a chair, blindfolded. Someone takes off his blindfold. A figure appears in front of Gunhaver.}
GUNHAVER: Let me guess, you're supposed to be a generic villain who brought me here for a ransom.
{Cut to the figure, who is a Cheat dressed in a rich, purple suit with a green tie. Two ninjas dressed in grey with purple badges are behind him.}
CHEAT: No, my name is Max Egoistic Millions, the CEO of the start of fCon, fCon.
GUNHAVER: That's it?
MAX: Yeah, pretty much.
GUNHAVER: Well, if you're starting, I'm sure that your "fCon" will suck.
MAX: But you can make it better if you buy our weapons.
GUNHAVER: What weapons?
MAX: {to ninjas} Ninjas?
GUNHAVER: Ninjas are weapons all along???
MAX: No, I was addressing them.
GUNHAVER: Oh.
{Cut to the two ninjas. One of them has a silver gun. That ninja presses on the trigger of his gun. Nothing happens. Then the other ninja falls onto the ground. Cut back to Gunhaver and Max.}
GUNHAVER: What... was... that?
MAX: That, my friend, is the use of what makes my weapons so special: invisible blaster shots!
GUNHAVER: Ooh! I'm not 100% impressed, but that's still good enough for me to want to buy the guns.
MAX: Good, but I'm afraid that I'm not just giving them away for money.
GUNHAVER: You're not giving it away for free???
MAX: No. What I want are not only money but also all of your current weapons and security systems.
GUNHAVER: No problem. We're getting something better in return anyways.
MAX: Good. Now, {gets out a contract and a pen} sign this contract that you won't read because you're the type who doesn't read contracts in order to purchase my weapons.
{Gunhaver hesistates.}
GUNHAVER: {hesitantly} I don't know. I'm not sure if I'm going to do the right thing if I sign that contract, since that contract looks deadly.
MAX: If you sign this contract, you'll also receive a free, lifetime supply of yogurt!
GUNHAVER: Yogurt is cool!
{Gunhaver takes the pen and signs on the contract without reading it. Max takes the pen and rolls up the contract.}
MAX: Sold!
GUNHAVER: Just, how do I bring the weapons back to the headquarters?
{Cut to in front of the Cheat Commandos HQ's front door. More of the fCon ninjas are walking in and out of the HQ, holding purple packages. The ninjas moving the packages outside of the HQ put them in a nearby fCon purple truck. Silent Rip walks up to Gunhaver.}
SILENT RIP: Are you sure about this, sir?
GUNHAVER: Of course I'm sure! I'm as sure as fried glue!
SILENT RIP: You have my word and trust, sir!
{Cut to inside the Cheat Commandos HQ, where the Cheat Commandos are getting out their new weapons and holding them. Reinforcements has a new, silver rocket launcher backpack. Gunhaver is standing in the middle of the crowd.}
GUNHAVER: All right, Cheat Commandos! Now that we have new kick-butt weapons, let's go fight Blue Laser!
FIGHTGAR: That's conveniently timed!
GUNHAVER: Actually, I organized a dual with him in a few minutes down at the generic lot.
SILENT RIP: How did you do that, sir?
GUNHAVER: Alias.
{The screen fades as the following words appear on the screen.}
Gunhaver did not reference a TV show that I've only heard of on commercials, so don't get excited.
{Cut to a generic empty lot. The Cheat Commandos with their new weapons are on one side of the lot, and Blue Laser and three of his minions are on the other side of the lot. There are burning barrels on the lot for some reason, since it's not even nighttime.}
BLUE LASER: OH CRAP! IT TURNS OUT THAT WE AREN'T GOING TO FIGHT AGENT SMITH!!! WE ARE GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER DUEL AGAINST THE CHEAT COMMANDOS, WHERE WE'LL ALL LOSE MISERABLY! I JUST HATE AGENT SMITH VERY MUCH!!!!!
GUNHAVER: All right, Blue Loser...
BLUE LASER: BLUE LASER!!!
GUNHAVER: All right, Blue Loser, your blue butts are going to be kicked...
BLUE LASER: THAT'S DISTURBING! AND OUR BUTTS AREN'T BLUE!!! BUT THAT'S STILL DISTURBING!!!
GUNHAVER: All right, Blue Loser, your blue butts are going to be kicked with OUR NEW WEAPONS!!!
BLUE LASER: AW CRAP! I WISH ALL OF OUR MONEY DON'T HAVE TO GO ON BILLS SO WE CAN BUY NEW WEAPONS TOO!
GUNHAVER: Enough of the useless bickering! Cheat Commandos, ATTACK!!!!
{All of the Cheat Commandos ready their weapons and fire at Blue Laser and his minions... except... nothing happens at all. Wind blows. A cricket chirps. A tumbleweed rolls by.}
BLUE LASER: UH... DOES THIS MEAN WE GET THE FIRST SHOT?
{Cut to the Cheat Commandos in their HQ. All of them (except for Gunhaver) have defeated looks on their faces. Silent Rip is curled into a ball with used tissue papers surrounding him.}
GUNHAVER: Okay, so maybe this is our first loss against Blue Laser in 90 years, but this day was bound to come, right?
{Silent Rip's crying can be heard. Jewel walks away with an angry look on her face.}
GUNHAVER: Oh, come on! It isn't the apocalypse!
{Cut to Gunhaver at a refrigerator. He opens the door, takes out a small container, and closes the door.}
GUNHAVER: At least we still have a lifetime supply of yogurt that we can eat and sell!
{Gunhaver opens the container, causing a green vapor to escape from the container. Gunhaver has a disdained look on his face as a foghorn blows, indicating that the yogurt stinks. Gunhaver throws the yogurt away off-screen, creating an explosion with green smoke and light.}
GUNHAVER: Okay, so maybe I have been ripped-off, but that doesn't mean we can not deal with Max E. Million with violence!
REYNOLD: {off-screen} Actually, there's another way.
GUNHAVER: Shut up, punching bag that looks like a cheese!
REYNOLD: {off-screen} You also... never mind. It's no use fighting back.
GUNHAVER: So we're going to get our weapons and money back, beat those fCon freaks into pulps, and sell the fCon weapons on zBay!
{Silence.}
GUNHAVER: I was expecting a big, happy "Yay!"
{Cut to the fCon warehouse's interior. Max is talking to four of the fCon ninjas.}
MAX: Well, since I am now some million dollars richer than I was hours ago...
{Gunhaver, Fightgar, Silent Rip, Reinforcements, and Ripberger walk onscreen with angry looks on their faces, although Silent Rip looks like he's still shaken from his crying spell from earlier.}
MAX: {slightly surprised} Ah! {annoyed} What are you doing here? This is private property!
GUNHAVER: But you brought me here.
MAX: So you had my permission.
GUNHAVER: Drat, you are smart.
MAX: What do you want?
GUNHAVER: Our old weapons, our money, and our password in order to log into our account on zBay.
MAX: Sorry boys, but the game's over, buckos. I win.
{Gunhaver, Fightgar, Silent Rip, Reinforcements, and Ripberger raise their new weapons.}
FIGHTGAR: Not if we can deal with it with force!
MAX: Uh... the weapons are still fake.
GUNHAVER: Aw crap!
{The Cheat Commandos throw their weapons away off-screen and raise their fists. Max snaps his "fingers", making three of the fCon Ninjas walk to the Cheat Commandos with the Cheat Commandos' old weapons raised. Ripberger steps forward, causing the last fCon Ninja to pull out a really long sword. Ripberger backs down almost immediately.}
MAX: Well, all of your offenses are down.
GUNHAVER: {desperate} Yeah... well... we'll sue you!
{Max yawns before taking out the contract Gunhaver signed earlier.}
MAX: Read this.
{Max gives the contract to Gunhaver, who swipes it from his hand. He mumbles as he reads the contract.}
GUNHAVER: {mumbling} I, an idiotic representative of the Cheat Commandos (heroes of the weak-minded), hereby agree to give away all of the Cheat Commandos' money, security systems, weapons, and pride to Max Egoistic Million, the boss of fCon, no matter how cheap the items I get in return will be. Signed, wavy lines that say Gunhaver...
MAX: You don't need to read the signatures!
FIGHTGAR: But I like listening to someone read the signatures!
GUNHAVER: Look, the fact is, we're going to sue you no matter what, right now, right here!
MAX: You think the judge would hold court here???
{Cut to a court room. Judge Anonymousy is behind the bench (raised desk). She is holding a mallet, which looks like it's taped together. She bangs the mallet on the table, breaking it half.}
JUDGE ANONYMOUSY: Aw crud! Not again! Anyway, I hereby restate that Max Egoistic Million is {bangs head on the table} INNOCENT!
GUNHAVER: {off-screen} Aw crap!
JUDGE ANONYMOUSY: {points finger} A-ha! You just swore in court! Minus five MeritPoints! {to self} Oh yeah! Oh yeah! You rule! The court! Ha!
{Cut to a wider view of the courtroom. Everyone is looking at Judge Anonymousy, weirded out. Cut to Gunhaver in front of the Alpha 1260.}
GUNHAVER: {typing} Oh man! What a nightmare! Not only are we stuck with lame "weapons" that nobody will buy on zBay, but Reynold ate all of the yogurt! That stinks! Literally.
Click here to email Gunhaver at GEmail.exe
Easter Eggs
- Zoom in on the yogurt container to read this:
PETE'S CRAPPY YOGURT!
You'll love this crappy yogurt so much, that you'll make more trips to the bathroom than you can imagine!
- Click on "Reynold ate all of the" to see this:
{Cut to Reynold in the middle of a pile of yogurt containers. He looks fat and green, literally.}
REYNOLD: {groans} Oh. I think I ate too much yogurt!
VOICE: {off-screen} Reynold has to go to the bathroom!
{Canned laughter.}
REYNOLD: {groaning} Oh no! It's Mr. Obvious!
MR. OBVIOUS: {off-screen} Reynold has recognized me!
{Canned laughter.}
- Click on "yogurt" to see this:
{Cut to Max, holding the contract, in front of 1-Up in the fCon warehouse.}
MAX: If you sign this contract, you'll also receive a free, lifetime supply of yogurt!
1-UP: Yogurt stinks! I like pudding!
MAX: {intrigued} Hmm... intriguing. I shall invest in pudding in the near future, then!
1-UP: What am I doing here anyway?
MAX: Giving me all of your money and possessions for some toys and yogurt-that's-soon-to-be-pudding.
1-UP: Yay! It's a deal!
Fun Facts
- The summary references Sabotage, in which a slightly familiar situation takes place.
- fCon is made by Aussie Evil.
- The reason why Gunhaver says it exists in the future is because the page states that fCon, in fact, exists in 20X6.
- "Egoistic" is a word for selfish.
- Alias is a false identity.
- Alias is also a TV show.
- Agent Smith is the villain of Matrix series.
- zBay is based on eBay.
- Judge Anonymousy is from Judge Anonymousy.
- MeritPoints is a running gag started in the Tampo email inspection.
- Judge Anonymousy referenced MeritPoints in the same way in Judge Anonymousy.
- Mr. Obvious is a running gag I created and use on MSN Messenger. Mr. Obvious is an alias of Shim-Sham-Sam pointing out the obvious with accompanying caneed laughter.
