Other Character Email Gunhaver/Showdown
From Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki
Contents |
Summary
Finally. Gunhaver and the Chabarg Commandos take action against Ultramarine Laser? How? Just read.
Cast (in order of appearance): Gunhaver, Ultramarine Underlings, Guninator, Disputant Rogue, Ripper-Wan, Ultramarine Laser, Commander Blaze, Carteen, ASDF, Fhqhwgads, Cow, 4Wimps Employee, Dr. Reynolds, Contestro, Silent Rip, Alpha Stan, 4Wimps Boss (Easter egg)
Lines: 213
Transcript
{Cut to the following message.}
NOTICE
In the following email that you are about to read, there are going to be three deaths, all probably violent. Now, since this is Cheat Commandos, we (the people of Shim-Sham-Studios, so it's just me, Shim-Sham-Sam) would be happy to describe the deaths for you. However, due to the fact that the Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki only allows stuff to be up to rated PG and that controversy was caused with Fightgar's "violent death" in Commandos in the Classroom, we/I decided to show you the clips from the edited "4Wimps" versions of the death scenes. Also, this email was originally very long and tedious, so a long but not-that-important portion is cut out. Sorry for the inconvenience.
{Cut to Ultramarine Laser's castle. Cut to Gunhaver's prison bubble. Gunhaver is bored to death.}
GUNHAVER: {distorted} Ugh, I'm bored to death.
{Just then, the following caption appears below Gunhaver's prison bubble.}
There's no need to repeat what's narrated, Gunhaver.
GUNHAVER: {distorted} I'm pretending that thing doesn't exist. And that I was not replied to at all.
{The Ultramarine Underling who was kind to Gunhaver in the previous email walks up to Gunhaver's prison bubble.}
ULTRAMARINE UNDERLING: Hey, I have some good news and bad news. What do you want first?
GUNHAVER: {distorted} Meh, give me anything.
ULTRAMARINE UNDERLING: Okay. You are going to be executed in less than an hour.
GUNHAVER: {distorted} Ouch! That's bad!
ULTRAMARINE UNDERLING: But on the other hand, you get to answer one more email before you die.
GUNHAVER: {distorted} That's good!
ULTRAMARINE UNDERLING: But, it's your last one.
GUNHAVER: {distorted} That's bad.
ULTRAMARINE UNDERLING: But, you get to have my dinner!
GUNHAVER: {distorted} That's good!
ULTRAMARINE UNDERLING: But, dinner is brussel sprout mixed with sauerkraut in vegetable soup.
GUNHAVER: {distorted} Oh man! That's bad! Extremely bad!
ULTRAMARINE UNDERLING: But, you can have this email capsule that I was planning to give you anyway.
GUNHAVER: {distorted} That's good!
ULTRAMARINE UNDERLING: Shut up.
{Ultramarine Underling gives Gunhaver an email capsule. Gunhaver presses a button on the capsule to project the email hologram. He reads it, as always.}
Subject: Joel Dawson.Hey Jude.
-Captain Fred, Pepperland
What would it be like If Joel (from bonus stage)
Answred an E-mail?
GUNHAVER: {distorted} Great. This is just great. My last email, and all I get is some Bonus Stage crap. Thanks a lot!
ULTRAMARINE UNDERLING: No problem.
{Cut to a rather large room. Obviously, a lot of time has passed in setting things up, for Guninator, Disputant Rogue, Ripper-Wan, and Gunhaver are in separate tubes that look like tubes with walls made of energy. The tubes are hanging over a large vat of some sort of substance with mechanical claws holding them in air.}
DISPUTANT ROGUE: {referring to Gunhaver} Hey, who is that shrimp?
RIPPER-WAN: That is the Gunhaver you keep hearing about.
DISPUTANT ROGUE: Oh! So {to Gunhaver} you're the famous Gunhaver!
GUNHAVER: Yeah, that's been said a million times. {pause} Really.
GUNINATOR: Look, this meeting is really great and all, although it really isn't, since I already met him, but, we're in a dire situation.
{Just then, we hear a mechanical door opening. Then Ultramarine Laser walks inside. At this point, we finally see him outside of the shadows. Unfortunately, we only see him in his blue cloak. We can't see what his face looks like. The Ultramarine Underling from before is by him.}
ULTRAMARINE LASER: Ah, so the time has finally come. Your executions are what I've been looking forward to all month. I trust that they're all tortured with starvation and misery, right?
ULTRAMARINE UNDERLING: Yes master. They're all starved and miserable.
ULTRAMARINE LASER: Then start the execution when I finish what I want to tell them.
GUNINATOR: Let me guess. You're going to lower these tubes into the vat of your custom element Xarban 3X6 as slow as possible to fry us inside our tubes before we're immersed in the liquid, where we are slowly killed?
GUNHAVER: How do you know that?
DISPUTANT ROGUE: Ultramarine Laser fails to do one thing: Make himself unpredictable.
GUNHAVER: I was asking Guninator! Not you!
DISPUTANT ROGUE: Always happy answering your questions meant for other people.
ULTRAMARINE LASER: SHUT UP RIGHT NOW! I'm the one who controls how much time you have to live! Anyway, let me tell you that I will enjoy seeing you fried and slowly dissolved. But, here's the bright side.
GUNHAVER: There's a bright side in all this???
ULTRAMARINE LASER: Yeah. You will all get to see my face before you die.
{Guninator, Disputant Rogue, and Ripper-Wan gasp.}
GUNHAVER: What's so special about that?
RIPPER-WAN: Barely anybody got the privelege of getting to see Ultramarine Laser's face, which is hidden for almost all the time!
DISPUTANT ROGUE: The only people who do get to see his face are dead people, some of his minions, and Commander Blaze!
GUNHAVER: What??? Why do all the leaders get all of the good priveleges for doing nothing in saving the world?
GUNINATOR: The answer. They're bigots.
ULTRAMARINE LASER: Anyway, let's stop wasting time. Underling!
{Cut to reveal the Ultramarine Underling at the controls.}
ULTRAMARINE UNDERLING: Yes master?
ULTRAMARINE LASER: Begin the execution! Lower the tubes!
{The Ultramarine Underling begins to move the levers around. Some kind of slightly horror music plays as we cut to Guninator, Disputant Rogue, Ripper-Wan, and Gunhaver, with fear, looking at the Ultramarine Underling. Suddenly, the Ultramarine Underling pulls at another lever, suddenly moving the tubes away from the vat. Then he pushes another lever, lowering the tubes onto the floor. Then a button is pressed as the energy walls disappear, freeing Guninator, Disputant Rogue (who has his eyes closed), Ripper-Wan, and Gunhaver.}
DISPUTANT ROGUE: Are we dead yet?
{Cut to the Ultramarine Underling.}
ULTRAMARINE UNDERLING: RUN!
{Ultramarine Laser runs onscreen.}
ULTRAMARINE LASER: WHAT??? I should have KNOWN that there's a traitor among my minions! You do know the punishment for betrayal, do you?
ULTRAMARINE UNDERLING: Just as long as the Chabarg Commandos and Gunhaver are free!
ULTRAMARINE LASER: I am SO going to kill you!
ULTRAMARINE UNDERLING: Well, you should think twice, because...
{Just then, the Ultramarine Underling puts his right hand on his face. When he takes his hand off, he is revealed to be Commander Blaze.}
ULTRAMARINE LASER: YOU!!!
COMMANDER BLAZE: Well, looks like the impossible has finally occured at last. You have been outsmarted by me, Ultramarine Loser!
ULTRAMARINE LASER: You will fail. {shouting} GET THEM!!!
{Cut to a metallic door, which slides open to reveal Carteen, the Action Squad Destruction Force, and Fhqwhgads.}
KILLER RED: All right. Split up and find the person you personally want dead! GO! GO! GO!
{The ASDF and Carteen run/fly to Gunhaver, Guninator, Ripper-Wan, and Disputant Rogue, who are about to run into the next room. Carteen shoots an energy ball at them, causing an explosion and causing the good guys to split up. Then Killer Red runs to Guninator, Killer Green runs to Disputant Rogue, Killer Blue runs to Ripper-Wan, and Carteen flies to Gunhaver and they begin fighting. Killer Red gets out his energy whip and whips it at Guninator, who does a backflip to dodge. Then Guninator presses some buttons on his cannon arm and shoots a plasma energy ball at Killer Red, who whips the energy ball.}
GUNINATOR: Fool! You can never whip plasma energy with...
{Guninator looks dumbfounded. Cut to Killer Red, who has manipulated the whip to make it wrap around the energy ball. Then he throws the energy ball back at Guninator, who ducks, making the energy ball hit the wall and create a large hole. When Guninator stands up, suddenly, the extended whip hits him and sends him flying through the wall. As Killer Red follows, Killer Green is sent flying onto the floor. Pan up to reveal Disputant Rogue hanging off a futuristic chandelier that looks similar to a Kolkayru. He gets out his blasters.}
DISPUTANT ROGUE: This seems too easy. Oh well, at least he's unguarded.
{Disputant Rogue shoots large blasts from his blaster at Killer Green, who suddenly brandishes his energy shield to absorb the shots. Then the shield shoots a large beam at the chandelier, which flies away from the beam. However, Disputant Rogue slips and falls off and onto the floor.}
DISPUTANT ROGUE: Ouch. Maybe this is why people don't jump off of ten-story buildings.
{Then Killer Blue and Ripper-Wan come onscreen in the middle of a lightsaber fight. They fight furiously, slashing whenever they can and deflecting all of their shots. Then Killer Blue makes a fast swipe that nearly would have sliced Ripper-Wan's head off had he not ducked. Then Killer Blue holds up his hand and sends Ripper-Wan flying away. Cut to Gunhaver and Carteen facing each other. A cow is standing by Carteen.}
COW: Moo.
CARTEEN: It's ironic that the death of the great Gunhaver will be caused by a falling cow.
{Carteen and the cow float in the air. Then Carteen punches the cow with full force, sending the cow flying at a very high speed at Gunhaver. He yells as he jumps out of the way just before the cow lands where he was seconds ago. Then Carteen flies to the cow and punches it at Gunhaver again. Cut to a slow motion shot of the cow flying towards Gunhaver.}
GUNHAVER: {thinking} Well. Here goes nothing. This is for Alpha Stan!
{Gunhaver rears his right hand before punching the cow. However, he is not strong enough, since the cow flattens him into a wall. Cut to Carteen, who laughs.}
{Cut to Killer Red and Guninator fighting in a corridor. Killer Red continues to whip Guninator, who keeps on dodging.}
KILLER RED: Face it, Guninator. You can't keep on dodging forever! For one, this fight is getting boring. And for two, I'm going to win anyway.
GUNINATOR: Fine. How about this?
{Guninator shoots slime out of his cannon arm at Killer Red, who looks like he's pissed ticked off.}
KILLER RED: That's it? Slime? Man. Ultramarine Laser is paying us for something equal to killing an ant. You're not much of a challenge.
{Killer Red raises his whip.}
KILLER RED: Say good-bye, Guninator!
GUNINATOR: Good-bye.
{Guninator presses a button on his cannon arm and suddenly, Killer Red is caught in an explosion. After that, Killer Red drops his whip as Guninator suddenly pins him to a wall with his left hand. The cannon arm is pointing at Killer Red's face.}
KILLER RED: {shocked} How did you do that?
GUNINATOR: Just some exploding slime I made a long time ago in chemistry class. You should have went to school instead of being a villain.
{The cannon arm charges up. Suddenly, we see this.}
4WIMPED!
{Cut to Guninator throwing a crumpled up piece of paper at Killer Red's head. Killer Red holds his forehead in pain.}
KILLER RED: Ow! My forehead! It hurts so bad! Curse you, you crumpled up piece of paper!
{Cut to Killer Green and Disputant Rogue fighting. Disputant Rogue looks tired in front of Killer Green.}
DISPUTANT ROGUE: Come on, man! Why do you constantly have to hide behind that shield like a sissy? Why don't you fight like a man?
KILLER GREEN: Well... all right, since I've just mastered a new method of fighting with this shield. HYAH!
{Killer Green throws his shield at Disputant Rogue like a Frisbee, pinning Disputant Rogue into a wall. Killer Green runs towards the wall to retrieve his shield, but suddenly, Disputant Rogue grabs the shield, takes it off, and grabs it in front of him just when Killer Green runs into the shield, making him be sent flying.}
DISPUTANT ROGUE: You forgot Challenging Rule #45: Never give your opponent your weapon(s)!
KILLER GREEN: What??? Those rules only apply to 20X6!
DISPUTANT ROGUE: Yeah, well... do you ever see people fighting with swords?
KILLER GREEN: Yeah, so what?
DISPUTANT ROGUE: Well... forget it. I've lost my motive. Plus, there's no use in saying some historical crap.
{Disputant Rogue gets out his blasters after turning off the shield and points them at Killer Green.}
DISPUTANT ROGUE: See ya!
{Suddenly, we see this.}
4WIMPED!
{Cut to Disputant Rogue throwing two pebbles at Killer Green, who clutches his head in pain.}
KILLER GREEN: Ow! Those bad rocks hit me! Now I'm hurt!
DISPUTANT ROGUE: Hooray! Killer Green is hurt!
{Cut to Killer Blue and Ripper-Wan fighting on a tower's roof for some reason. They continue slashing with their lightsabers. The end comes quickly for the fight. But before that happens, the following is shown.}
4WIMPED!
{Cut to Killer Blue and Ripper-Wan fighting with paper cut-outs of poorly-drawn lightsabers. Killer Blue spins while swiping with his "lightsaber". Suddenly, Ripper-Wan slashes with his "lightsaber" to hit Killer Blue's hands gripping his "lightsaber."}
KILLER BLUE: {in pain} Ouch! You gave me paper cuts!
{Then Ripper-Wan swings his "lightsaber" at Killer Blue's head. After that, there is a long pause that lasts for 16 seconds.}
KILLER BLUE: Okay. I'm hurt.
{Killer Blue falls down on the rooftop. Cut to Commander Blaze at the controls, standing in front of Fhqhwgads. Ultramarine Laser is watching from a balcony above.}
COMMANDER BLAZE: I bet I can defeat you without even touching you!
FHQWHGADS: Try that! Only Ultramarine Laser and Carteen Sraven have telekenetic powers!
{Commander Blaze pulls on a lever and presses a button, making a mechanical claw from above grab Fhqwhgads and lift her in the air.}
FHQWHGADS: {shamefully} Jeez! I'm so stupid!
{Then Commander Blaze moves the lever to make the claw throw Fhqwhgads off-screen.}
ULTRAMARINE LASER: Dang it! The tables JUST had to turn on me today.
{Cut to Carteen punching a cow at Gunhaver. Cut to a close-up of Gunhaver.}
GUNHAVER: {thinking} Oh man! I wish I followed Alpha Stan's advice in taking cow punching lessons, no matter how ridiculous the concept sounds! Oh, this is just so stupid!
{Gunhaver angrily lashes out with his right hand, which punches the cow and sends it flying to Carteen at a very fast speed.}
GUNHAVER: Whoa! Rage is probably good for punching cows!
{Cut to Carteen.}
CARTEEN: You know that I can just punch it back harder?
{Just then, Fhqwhgads flies into Carteen. Then they fly into the flying cow. Then they are sent flying through a wall. Then we hear Fhqhwgads and Carteen screaming before we hear a bounce and a crash.}
FHQWHGADS and CARTEEN: {off-screen and weakly} Thank goodness for that conveniently-placed trampoline!
COW: {off-screen} Moo.
{Suddenly, the scene freezes. Pan out to reveal that this is being watched by a 4Wimp employee in a dark room.}
4WIMPS EMPLOYEE: Okay, so the ASDF, Carteen, and Fhqwhgads are defeated. But it's obvious that Ultramarine is not going to be killed. I'll just skip to the part where Gunhaver goes home.
{Pan into the screen, where the scene changes to Gunhaver in a time machine in front of Dr. Reynolds, Guninator, Disputant Rogue, Ripper-Wan, and Commander Blaze waving at him. Then Gunhaver disappears. Cut to the Cheat Commandos HQ living room, where Contestro is talking to Silent Rip.}
CONTESTRO: No really. I think that he has some discriminating belief against people with dogs.
SILENT RIP: I have no idea on what you've just said, but I find it totally true.
{Just then, a beam of light strikes down from above (not breaking anything, though). Gunhaver appears as the beam of light disappears, surprising Silent Rip and Contestro.}
GUNHAVER: Ah, it's good to be back! {notices Contestro} You! You're about to do something evil again!
CONTESTRO: Not today, but...
GUNHAVER: Silent Rip! Throw him out!
SILENT RIP: Yes sir!
CONTESTRO: But...
{Silent Rip literally throws the screaming Contestro off-screen.}
GUNHAVER: Now I can go check my emails on the Alpha 1260 again!
{Gunhaver walks off-screen.}
SILENT RIP: I'm not even going to ask what just happened. So I will just forget it.
{Silent Rip walks away. Alpha Stan appears on the wall in the background.}
Click here to email Gunhaver at GEmail.exe
Easter Eggs
- Click on "4Wimps" in the introduction to see this extra scene at the end:
{Cut to the 4Wimps employee in the dark room.}
4WIMPS EMPLOYEE: This is a brilliant masterpiece due to my censorship! This is now in the leagues with Pouchemon and Tee-Gi-Oh, which have been saved by my censorship. I'm definitely the best.
{Then the 4Wimps boss walks onscreen.}
4WIMPS BOSS: Your censored work suck! You're fired!
{Alpha Stan appears on the TV screen, delivering his message.}
- Click on the TV to see this:
{Cut to Dr. Reynolds talking to Commander Blaze and Guninator in a room in the Chabarg Commandos HQ.}
DR. REYNOLDS: Okay, so you've defeated the ASDF and Fhqwhgads, who turned out to be a traitor. Then what? How did you escape Ultramarine Laser? How did you get here if there were no means of transportation provided for you?
GUNINATOR: Well... I don't know. I don't remember.
COMMANDER BLAZE: I only remember darkness.
Fun Facts
- This email ends the storyline started in Vacation.
- The Ultramarine Underling Commander Blaze was acting as first appeared in Sabotage.
- 4Wimps is a parody of 4Kids, the company that dubs Japanese anime, like Pokemon or Yu-Gi-Oh, and make them less violent. Usually, they make dubbing mistakes.
- People on the HRWiki forum expressed negative comments on Commandos in the Classroom for a few reasons. One of them was Fightgar's "violent death" (where the two Blue Laser minions shoot him).
- The email given to Gunhaver is a reference to Bonus Stage.
- This is another instance of punching cows.
- Challenging Rule #45 is from one of my Stinkoman Sprite Comics, A Cool Challenge.
- This is also another instance of conveniently placed trampolines.
- Pouchemon and Tee-Gi-Oh are parodies of Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh (respectively), two anime shows that have been dubbed and censored by 4Kids.
