Other Character Email Gunhaver/Island
From Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki
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Summary
Gunhaver is taken on a vacation to an island, Kingdom of Almighty Cheat.
Cast (in order of appearance): Black Laser, Shadow, Max, Guntoshi, Firebert, Gunhaver, Foxface, Crackotage (Voice Only), Silent Rip, Fightgar, Reinforcements, Reynold, Alpha Stan, Hotel Employee, Island Employees, THE Cheat, Hooded Cheat (Easter Egg)
Page Title: Crabby 1260
Lines: 228
Transcript
{Cut to Black Laser, Shadow, and Max running down a corridor.}
BLACK LASER: What do you mean the Prototype failed to kill the Cheat Commandos before they escaped?
SHADOW: I don't know. Gunhaver must've used a lucky sucker punch on the Cheatball, or something!
MAX: Hey, look! It's the ball thing!
{Cut to the Cheatball, on the floor, waking up. The Cheat Commandos are nowhere to be seen. Black Laser walks up to the Cheatball.}
BLACK LASER: Prototype, do you realize that you have failed your task?
SHADOW: Wait, I can see the Cheat Commandos nearby! {points to the right} Look!
{Cut to the Cheat Commandos running away from the warehouse. They're not so far away. Cut back to Black Laser, Shadow, and the Cheatball. Max walks onscreen.}
BLACK LASER: Then we still have a chance! Shadow, you know what tools to use to catch up to them. Max, take this prototype back into the Testing Room.
{Cut to Black Laser from the Cheatball's point of view, which is very blurry.}
BLACK LASER: Once you put it in the Testing Room, put it in the bin so we can fix i-
{Suddenly, Black Laser gets replaced by Gunhaver.}
{Cut to a dizzy Cheatball. Suddenly, fiercely growls before angrily shooting itself at a surprised Black Laser. Black Laser screams as he struggles to get the biting Cheatball off of him.}
SHADOW: What the crap?
{Shadow goes to Black Laser and grabs the Cheatball, trying to pull it off. Just then, the Cheatball, with Black Laser still in its grasp, shoots itself at Shadow. They crash into a wall, making a stick of dynamite fall from the wall onto the ground. Firebert's chuckling is heard when the stick of dynamite falls. Black Laser and Shadow look at it before running off-screen, screaming, despite the fact that a Cheatball is attacking them. Max follows them off-screen just before the stick of dynamite explodes. Fade to black.}
{Cut to the exterior of the Cheat Commandos Headquarters in the morning. Pan to the backyard of the Headquarters. Zoom in on a recently made mound of dirt with a flower. Fade to black.}
{Cut to an airstrip on a sunny island in the middle of the ocean. Palm trees are shown being blown by the wind in the background. A rather broken down airplane lands on the airstrip. A clang against the plane's metallic door is heard. A second clang breaks the metallic door off of its hinges. Gunhaver, carrying four suitcases, jumps out of the plane. Foxface, carrying only her bulletproof handbag, follows suit.}
FOXTROT: So, we've finally reached our destination. The tropical island!
GUNHAVER: Yeah, it looks nice. Just what was it with that plane?
FOXTROT: Crackotage stole it. He says any plane allows him to be in harmony with his rhyming couplets. Not to mention it replaces the one taken away from him after that fCon thing.
CRACKOTAGE: {from inside plane} Hoo-hee-ha-ho!!!
GUNHAVER: So, why we on this island, again?
FOXFACE: How many times do I have to tell you? It's for some R&R! Not to mention you were really gloomy and all back at the Headquarters.
GUNHAVER: Who says that I was all gloomy and all?
{Cut to a montage of a sulking, dazed, and/or depressed Gunhaver, muttering, "It's all my fault. It's all my fault. It's all my fault..." over and over again. Several commandos, such as Silent Rip, Fightgar, Reinforcements, and Firebert, are shown being creeped out by Gunhaver's attitude. Reynolds is shown being more content than usual.}
{Cut back to Gunhaver and Foxface in front of the battered plane.}
GUNHAVER: Well, for the record, that wasn't "gloomy." That was... uh... exhaustion! I was just tired! I mean, we had a mission in the mid... {sadly} night...
{Foxface looks in his handbag, rummaging through its contents.}
FOXFACE: Oh crap...
GUNHAVER: {normal} What is it?
FOXFACE: {under breath} I can't believe it. {normally} I forgot to bring my makeup!
GUNHAVER: You still have makeup?
FOXFACE: {continuing} I must have left it all back at the Headquarters Playset. I guess I have no choice but to go back. And I think you should stay here so you can book our hotel room.
GUNHAVER: Wel, okay. Man, this sucks.
FOXFACE: Indeed, our romantic vacation is going to be shortened. Well, bear with me. I'll make sure to have Crackotage fly as fast as possible and to find my makeup almost immediately!
{Foxface gets onto the plane, leaving Gunhaver and the four suitcases behind. Gunhaver waves at Foxface as a wooden "door" is quickly hammered to the frame where the metallic door previously was. Then the airplane slowly lifts off and flies away from the island.}
{Cut to inside the airplane, where the wooden "door" is shaking and threatening to break off. Crackotage is seen piloting the plane. Foxface is talking on a cell phone.}
FOXFACE: Well, I've left him behind on the island. My work is done, right?
REINFORCEMENTS: {from phone} Indeed, you have done well. Now, all that remains is restoring the Cheat Commandos' reputation without Gunhaver.
FOXFACE: So good times lie ahead?
REINFORCEMENTS: {from phone} Yes. But I fear Gunhaver may have done something stupid in advance that might cataclysmically screw us up for good. Something dumber than the Ultimatum incident.
FOXFACE: Gunhaver's not that stupid. I'm sure.
REINFORCEMENTS: {from phone} You mean you hope...
{Cut to Gunhaver looking at the airplane flying away from the island. When it's gone from view, Gunhaver sighs and picks up the four suitcases. Then he begins to walk toward a city.}
GUNHAVER: Man, these suitcases are heavier than they should be. Particularly this beige one...
{Gunhaver drops the beige suitcase onto the ground.}
VOICE: {from suitcase; muffled; faint} Oomph!
GUNHAVER: Oh, don't tell me!
{Gunhaver kicks the beige suitcase open, making Reynold pop out of the suitcase. Reynold falls onto the ground, gasping for air.}
GUNHAVER: Okay, what were you doing in the suitcase? Why? Did you eat all of the Bread & Sugar?
REYNOLD: You know I'd never eat that junk.
GUNHAVER: Answer me! Are you trying to destroy my vacation?
REYNOLD: I don't know. It was dark. Then Fightgar and Silent Rip dragged and stuffed me into that oh-so-uncomfortable suitcase! And I've been in there for hours!
GUNHAVER: {sighs} I don't know what to do know. Tell you what. I'll book a hotel room, maybe check an email, and then think about your fate. I think throwing you, tied up to cement blocks, into the water should suffice.
REYNOLD: Yeah, I think s- y-WHAT?!?
{Pan-swipe to Gunhaver walking into a hotel room with three suitcases. He quickly slams the door. The sound of Reynold running into the door is heard.}
GUNHAVER: Ah... the hotel room. So roomy... and hotelly... {pause} So boring... I guess I should do what I like to do to waste time, check emails.
{Gunhaver opens a suitcase and gets out the Alpha 1260. Then he places the Alpha 1260 on a bed, opens it, and turns it on. Alpha Stan appears on the screen.}
Hey! What's the big idea, interruping my beauty sleep?
GUNHAVER: Hey! I can think of worse punishments! You should be thankful I actually allowed you to shut down!
Look, just do what you have to do. You don't want a crabby Alpha Stan.
GUNHAVER: Me neither, but I believe it's your job to dish out an email!
{Alpha Stan's mouth moves with no sound before the following email appears on the screen.}
Subject:The cheat.Do you think the cheat is c00l?
dolphins
GUNHAVER: {reading} Do you think the cheat is c-to-the-double-zero-to-the-l? {normally} That's it? {typing} Well, you stupid fish, I don't know what this stupid cheat is, but I can bet that this stupid cheat isn't c-to-the-double-zero-to-the-l. Maybe you can say he's just a double zero.
{Suddenly, sirens are heard. Gunhaver looks around, confused. Then a hotel employee breaks into the room with a plastic hammer. He whacks Gunhaver in the head with the hammer.}
GUNHAVER: Hey! What was that for?
HOTEL EMPLOYEE: How dare you break Rule #3: Thou shall not insult the Almighty Ruler!
GUNHAVER: What? That's a rule? That's ridiculous!
{The hotel employee whacks Gunhaver in the head again.}
HOTEL EMPLOYEE: You broke Rule #2: Thou shall not question the omniscience of the Almighty Ruler!
GUNHAVER: Alright then, who is this "Almighty Ruler?"
HOTEL EMPLOYEE: Oh, you know. THE Cheat, which stands for Theodore Herbert Elizabeth Che...
{Suddenly, sirens are heard as the island's citizens run inside with their own plastic hammers. The hotel employee looks scared.}
CITIZEN #1: How dare you break Rule #64: Thou shall not name thy ruler with his own name!
HOTEL EMPLOYEE: No! I forgot! My tongue slipped! {points at Gunhaver} His rule-breaking meddled with my brain!
CITIZEN #2: If that's so, maybe you should be put on Probation!
HOTEL EMPLOYEE: No! Not Probation! I have a wife and three kids!
{A citizen whacks the hotel employee in the head with his hammer.}
CITIZEN #3: You broke Rule #3453: Thou shall not use the banal excuse, "I have a wife and three kids!"
{A different citizen whacks Citizen #3 in the head with his hammer.}
CITIZEN #4: You broke Rule #52: Thou shall not make up your own rules! Although that suggestion would be nice. That saved you from Probation...
GUNHAVER: {mutters} This is ridiculous...
{Citizens #1 and #4 whack Gunhaver in the head with their hammers.}
CITIZEN #1: How DARE you break Rule #24: Thou shall not insult the Almighty Ruler's judgement!
CITIZEN #4: Not to mention you broke Rule #79: Thou shall not mutter!
GUNHAVER: Is it news to you that I'm new? That I should be getting some respect?
{Citizen #2 whacks Gunhaver in the head with his hammer.}
CITIZEN #2: Rule #95: Thou shall not ask for undeserved respect.
CITIZEN #1: You will get used to this. As the Kingdom's motto says, "Obedience shall seep through thy skull."
CITIZEN #4: Consider yourself lucky that you're not a citizen. Otherwise, you'd be in Probation with {referring to the hotel employee} this poor sod...
{A type of montage music begins to play. Cut to Gunhaver walking down a sidewalk. He steps on a crack. Almost immediately, a citizen runs up to Gunhaver and whacks him in the head with his plastic hammer.}
GUNHAVER: What? What now?
{The citizen whacks Gunhaver in the head again.}
CITIZEN #5: You broke Rule #346: Thou shall not step on cracks, as well as Rule #674: Thou shall not use the same word twice in a row!
{Cut to Gunhaver at an outdoor cafe, drinking a tropical juice. Gunhaver looks up and smiles.}
GUNHAVER: Hey! It's a bird! I should get used to using the stupid slingshot the guys back home use.
{Gunhaver gets out a slingshot and shoots a pebble into the air. Suddenly, a citizen at a table next to Gunhaver's whacks Gunhaver in the head with his hammer.}
GUNHAVER: What, am I not allowed to shoot?
{The citizen whacks Gunhaver in the head again.}
CITIZEN #6: Yes. You broke Rule #70: Thou shall not use weapons to harm other lives. You also broke Rule #2222: Thou shall not speak before a Disciplinarian after thou has broken a rule.
GUNHAVER: Hmm... I guess I was spared a hammer whack at that time...
CITIZEN #6: I'll go find him. Maybe put him on Probation. Meanwhile, I'll make up for that missing whack.
GUNHAVER: No, the service is not nee-!
{Citizen #6 whacks Gunhaver in the head with his hammer.}
GUNHAVER: -ded...
{Cut to Gunhaver lying on his bed in the hotel room. Suddenly, he sneezes. A citizen jumps through an open window and whacks Gunhaver in the head.}
CITIZEN #7: You broke Rule #59: Thou shall not sneeze!
GUNHAVER: Did you just break into my hotel room?
CITIZEN #7: Oh curses! I broke Rule #33: Thou shall not break into other's homes or rooms! I should be put in Probation!
{The citizen whacks himself in the head with his hammer. Gunhaver winces. The citizen immediately whacks Gunhaver in the head with his hammer again.}
CITIZEN #7: You broke Rule #876: No wincing! {pause} Curses again! I broke Rule #44: Thou shall not recite rules incorrectly! I definitely need to be put in Probation!
{The citizen whacks himself in the head with his hammer again. Cut to Gunhaver walking out of the hotel, stepping onto the sidewalk. Reynold runs up to Gunhaver and, with his own plastic hammer, whacks Gunhaver in the head. The montage music ends.}
REYNOLD: You broke Rule #2999: Thou shall not step on the sidewalk on the 28th minute of every hour!
GUNHAVER: Reynold?!? Since when were you allowed to whack me in the head?
REYNOLD: Ever since I was promoted for being a good Disciplinarian and rule-keeper!
GUNHAVER: This is so unlike you. Are you caffienated?
{Suddenly, another citizen, who is holding a metal hammer, whacks Gunhaver in the head with it. A slight crack is heard. Gunhaver looks dazed.}
CITIZEN #8: You broke Rule #646: Thou shall not accuse Disciplinarians of having caffiene!
{Gunhaver regains control of himself.}
GUNHAVER: {angrily} What's with the metal hammer?!?
{The citizen whacks Gunhaver in the head with the metal hammer again.}
CITIZEN #8: You broke Rule #321: Thou shall not use raised voices against Disciplinarians! Also, you broke too many rules, so you are now upgraded to Metal Hammer status! How else can obedience seep through your skull?
GUNHAVER: That's insane!
CITIZEN #8: You realize that if you break more rules, you'll be put under Probation...
{The citizen raises his hammer again.}
GUNHAVER: Screw it! I'm going to take some action!
{Gunhaver runs off-screen. The citizen and Reynold chase after him. Pan to the right to show the citizen and Reynold running off-screen, past a trash can. Gunhaver then gets out of the trash can and runs into an alley.}
GUNHAVER: Okay, they've asked for it. It's time for me to overthrow this THE Cheat, which reminds me. {chuckles} A guy named Theodore has "Elizabeth" in his name!
{Sirens are heard. Gunhaver runs faster.}
GUNHAVER: I just broke a bunch of new rules. Big deal. I wonder where this THE Cheat is, though...
{Gunhaver reaches the end of the alley. Zoom out to show that a very large castle with a giant poster of THE Cheat is seen only a few streets away.}
GUNHAVER: Well, that was e-
{Suddenly, Gunhaver throws himself into another trash can as a large mob of citizens with hammers run down the alley.}
{Cut to the empty courtyard of the castle. Gunhaver runs down the cobbled path to the castle.}
GUNHAVER: Well, good thing the entire city is after me while searching in the wrong places! I have free access to THE Cheat!
{Suddenly, sirens are heard.}
VOICES: {distant} The Automatic Disciplinarian in the Almighty Ruler's courtyard has been triggered! The criminal rule-breaker going to overthrow the Almighty Ruler!
{Screams and war cries are heard. Gunhaver looks left and right before dashing to the castle.}
{Cut to a throne room, where a plump Cheat, Theodore Herbert Elizabeth Cheat, drinking a juice box, is sitting on a throne.}
THEODORE: {in British accent} Ugh. I'm bored. I want to watch my loyal subjects do a dance for me! Where have they gone?
GUNHAVER: {off-screen} Out to get my neck, thanks to you and your rules, Elizabeth!
THEODORE: Blast it! Who taught you my middle name?
{Gunhaver walks onscreen.}
GUNHAVER: That doesn't matter! I'm here to overthrow you from the throne! So, why don't you just get lost and give the kingdom to me?
THEODORE: Blast it! I can't break Rule #453: Thou shall obey every command given to you from any person, without being a hypocrite! {sighs} Okay. You win.
{THE Cheat gets up from his throne and reluctantly walks away.}
GUNHAVER: Wow. That was easy. I just said that since, you know, that normally never works on villains. Well, {rubs hands, smiling} this is sweet! This kingdom is mine! I can make my own rules now and rule the way I want! And it's all because this kingdom is mine! Mine! MINE!
{Cut to an external view of the castle.}
GUNHAVER: {voice from castle} MINE!!!
{Cut to a view of the island.}
GUNHAVER: {voice} MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!!!!!!
{Fade to black. Alpha Stan appears on the screen.}
Click here to email Gunhaver at GEmail.exe
Easter Eggs
- Click on Alpha Stan to see this:
{Cut to the hotel employee, citizen #5, and citizen #7 in a dark alley. Behind them is a sign labeled, "PROBATION." The sign is by a metal door.}
HOTEL EMPLOYEE: Broke some rules too, eh?
CITIZEN #7: And disgraced my family's name.
{The metal door opens and a hooden Cheat beckons to the hotel employee, citizen #5, citizen #7.}
HOODED CHEAT: {raspy voice} Come on in... And meet your fate...
HOTEL EMPLOYEE: You know, I've always wondered. Is Probation temporary or permanent?
HOODED CHEAT: {raspy voice} You know what the answer is...
{Citizen #5 breaks down and cries.}
- Click on Alpha Stan again to see this:
{Cut to the fCon Warehouse, half of which is decimated by the dynamite's explosion.}
MAX: {from warehouse} I don't like the Prototype anymore!
BLACK LASER: {from warehouse} Okay, so the Prototype isn't perfect...
SHADOW: {from warehouse} Think Blue Laser was killed in the explosion?
BLACK LASER: {from warehouse} I don't know, but let's count on it.
- Click on an invisible cookie to see this:
{Cut to Reynold in an alley in the city. It is night.}
REYNOLD: Well, Gunhaver taking over the kingdom was unexpected. {looks up at the sky} Well, I guess the good times are over. I wonder how Blue Laser's Nana is doing...
{Sirens are heard.}
REYNOLD: Oh no! Don't tell me Gunhaver was fast as light when he made those rules!
{Citizens run onscreen with metal hammers.}
Fun Facts
- This email continues from Prototype, where Gyro was killed.
- Crackotage's original plane was taken in fCon.
- Reinforcements references the events of Ultimatum.
- Gunhaver references Bread & Sugar.
- Reynold was with Blue Laser's Nana in the Easter Eggs of Action and Prototype.
