Other Character Email Gunhaver/Judge Anonymousy
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Summary
In this episode of Judge Anonymousy, Gunhaver, squad leader of the Cheat Commandos, attempts to sue Dr. Croctor for lying to him about his health.
Cast (in order of appearance): Chef Cheat, Lawyer Cheat, Audience, A Nervous Cheat, Gunhaver, Dr. Croctor, Silent Rip, 1-Up, Arrowhaver, Reynold, Firebert, Steve, Jewel, Conraver, Ryenold, H*R 700, Lunar Jesters, Ekul, Bailiff, Judge Anonymousy, Biologist/Presenter, Jokester, Misc. Attorney (Easter egg)
Transcript
{Cut to a white screen. Tense music plays as the words "Judge Anonymousy" scroll across the screen.}
ANNOUNCER: {voiceover} Today, or tonight, on Judge Anonymousy!
{Cut to a case where Chef Cheat is sitting on the witness stand.}
CHEF CHEAT: It was him! He was the one who forced me to give out Zucchini-Potato Pudding!
{Cut to who the Chef Cheat is pointing to, a nervous Cheat in the audience. The audience gasps as they look at that Cheat.}
{Cut back to the white background with the words scrolling across the screen.}
ANNOUNCER: {voiceover} Interesting, eh? Well guess what? THAT CASE DOES NOT EXIST AT ALL! HAHA! TOO BAD! Instead, we'll see a case where...
{A picture of Gunhaver appears at the left side of the screen. The word "GUNHAVER" appears beside him.}
ANNOUNCER: {voiceover} ...GUNHAVER tries to sue...
{A picture of Dr. Croctor appears at the right side of the screen. The words "DR. CROCTOR" appear beside him.}
ANNOUNCER: {voiceover} DR. CROCTOR for making him think that Gunhaver is going to die of two pancreases! The case will be settled tonight! Watch, or die, legally!
{Cut to a courtroom. Gunhaver, Silent Rip, 1-Up, and Arrowhaver are sitting on the prosecution plaintiff table. Dr. Croctor, Reynold, Firebert, and Steve are sitting on the defense table. In the jury box are the following jurors: Jewel, Conraver, Ryenold, a white Cheat with attached horns and wings, a Cheat dressed in bunny pajamas, a young Cheat who is also professional and cool looking, and a Cheat who looks bears the resemblance of a penguin. There are numerous other people as well in the audience. Then the bailiff walks into the courtroom.}
BAILIFF: All rise for the judge! Wait I minute... I messed up. Whatever. Just stand up.
{Nobody stands up.}
BAILIFF: Oh come on!
{Nobody stands up.}
BAILIFF: It's my first day as bailiff! If I'm fired...
GUNHAVER: Nobody stands up in Cheat courts anymore. Just get the case started with!
BAILIFF: Yes sir.
{Then Judge Anonymousy walks to the bench (raised desk) and sits behind it. Then she picks up the mallet and smacks it onto the desk every time she says something.}
JUDGE ANONYMOUSY: Overruled! Guilty! Innocent!
{Cut to the audience and the Cheats on the plaintiff and defense tables. Cut back to Judge Anonymousy.}
JUDGE ANONYMOUSY: Just practicing. Anyway, just get on with the case.
{Cut to Silent Rip. He stands up, holding a piece of paper.}
GUNHAVER: {whispering} What? I thought you memorized it?
SILENT RIP: I have bad memory. Anyway, {reading} we think that Dr. Croctor is guilty for falsely telling Gunhaver that he is going to die at midnight due to a trick... and... {stops reading} Oh, I made a grammar mistake there.
GUNHAVER: {silently} D'oh!
{Arrowhaver stands up.}
ARROWHAVER: Basically, he's saying that Dr. Croctor tricked him and that we hope that Gunhaver can sue him so we, the Cheat Commandos, can get some money. That's what we want.
{Silent Rip and Arrowhaver sit down. Reynold stands up.}
REYNOLD: Well, we, the defense team, believe that Dr. Croctor is not guilty of tricking Gunhaver in thinking he has two pancreases, therefore, leading him to think that he is going to die at midnight. We think that there might have been a mistake or a misunderstanding. We also have some convincing evidence which will convince the people of the jury {faces the jury box} that Dr. Croctor does not deserve to be sued. That is all.
{Reynold sits down.}
DR. CROCTOR: {whispering} Great job. You should be a lawyer.
{Cut to the plaintiff table.}
GUNHAVER: {whispering} Don't worry. He's lying. We're going to win this case for good!
{Cut to Judge Anonymousy.}
JUDGE ANONYMOUSY: Anyway, I have to go on a date tonight, so I want to make this case as quick as possible. So, let's get to the witnesses. Let's start with the plaintiff.
{Gunhaver walks to the witness stand. The bailiff walks up to Gunhaver with a book.}
BAILIFF: Place your right hand on the book.
GUNHAVER: Why? I hate books.
{Gunhaver reluctantly puts his right hand on the book.}
BAILIFF: Yeah, well... do you swear to tell the whole truth, nothing but the truth, and something about Cornbread?
GUNHAVER: Uh, assuming that you meant Cornbread in that context...
BAILIFF: I did.
GUNHAVER: Yes. I'm supposed to, right?
BAILIFF: Okay. Let the questioning commence!
JUDGE ANONYMOUSY: You're not supposed to say that kind of stuff! You're not in charge of this court case!
BAILIFF: Sorry Ms. Anonymousy.
{1-Up walks up to Gunhaver with some papers as the bailiff walks away.}
1-UP: {reading} So Gunhaver, uh... what did you do on that one day where you believed you were going to die?
GUNHAVER: Well, I checked my email on my computer, as I do every week or so. Then I get an email from Dr. Worm...
STEVE: Dr. Worm is dead!
JUDGE ANONYMOUSY: Sustained! Or is it overruled? Oh well, you didn't say objection.
STEVE: {under breath} Crap.
JUDGE ANONYMOUSY: Ooh! Swearing! Minus 5 MeritPoints off of the defense team!
{Everybody in the courtroom looks at her weirdly.}
JUDGE ANONYMOUSY: Eh, I watched too much TV last night.
STEVE: Hey! The word crap isn't that bad!
JUDGE ANONYMOUSY: Please continue, Gunhaver.
GUNHAVER: So as I was saying, Dr. Worm told me to have a physical exam. And since Dr. Worm is dead, I had my exam with Dr. Croctor, who must be inexperienced...
DR. CROCTOR: I am not! I am both a college professor and a medical doctor! My title refers to...
JUDGE ANONYMOUSY: SHUT UP!
GUNHAVER: Yeah! You nerdy doctor! Anyway, so I had my exam with him. Then he told me I had two pancreases, so I was going to die. Is that true, or was he lying right there?
DR. CROCTOR: I was not!
ARROWHAVER: Shut up! Just wait until we show you guys our expert testimony!
{Judge Anonymousy bangs her mallet on the table, shattering it in half.}
JUDGE ANONYMOUSY: A little too strong, but... no more interruptions!
GUNHAVER: Anyway, he told me I was going to die. Then in order to make the rest of my life the best time ever, I nearly wasted seven (probably) good emails, made Blue Laser have a good night sleep, and made me humiliate myself! And... that's all.
JUDGE ANONYMOUSY: What? All right. Um... I guess we should do cross-examining now.
{Firebert walks up to Gunhaver.}
GUNHAVER: Firebert, don't be a lawyer again until you think of a better commando name and speak English and pay for my ruined Delta!
{Firebert throws his papers onto the floor in frustration before storming away from the courtroom. Gunhaver laughs at his success in getting rid of an attorney.}
REYNOLD: Oh... I'll go.
{Reynold walks up to Gunhaver while picking up Firebert's papers.}
REYNOLD: According to witnesses who were around the hospital, you were shooting pigeons on the afternoon of the day you thought you were going to die?
GUNHAVER: What kind of stupid question is that?
JUDGE ANONYMOUSY: Answer yes or no.
GUNHAVER: What if I lie?
BAILIFF: Well, you just swore to Cornbread.
GUNHAVER: {exasperated sigh} Yes.
REYNOLD: So, do you think that there might have been a mix-up that might have made Dr. Croctor mistakenly tell you that you had two pancreases?
GUNHAVER: No! Definitely not!
{Just then, a very dangerous thunderstorm is heard outside.}
GUNHAVER: Fine, yes.
{The thunderstorm cedes.}
REYNOLD: Well, that is all. That will support our case.
GUNHAVER: Screw you and your case!
{Cut to the courtroom. A caption says "Some minutes of arguing later". Gunhaver is back on the plaintiff table.}
JUDGE ANONYMOUSY: Well, anymore witnesses?
SILENT RIP: Wait, we can have more than one???
ARROWHAVER: We do have an expert testimony.
{Then a biologist walks into the courtroom with a whiteboard that has a picture of a Cheat and its oranges attached.}
PRESENTER: I'm here to tell you all about a Cheat's body and the effect of having two pancreases.
{He holds up a stick and points at several parts of the picture. Cut to the following time card.}
One long and boring explanation later...
{Cut to the presenter in front of a bored audience (minus Reynold).}
PRESENTER: And this shows why the whole a Cheat having two pancreases is going to die is a cock-and-bull story.
REYNOLD: I have a question. What does this have to do with supporting the plaintiff case?
PRESENTER: Um... well... I don't know. I just came here because I was offered money.
{Gunhaver angrily glares at Arrowhaver, who sheepishly grins. The Presenter leaves.}
JUDGE ANONYMOUSY: All right. Any more witnesses who can support the plaintiff side? {pause} All right, let's get on with the defense.
{Dr. Croctor goes to the witness stand. The bailiff walks up to Dr. Croctor with a book.}
BAILIFF: Place your right hand on the book.
DR. CROCTOR: I'm left-handed. Well, more accurately, I'm ambidextrous, but I prefer my left...
BAILIFF: Shut up and put your right hand on the book NOW!
{Dr. Croctor puts his right hand on the book.}
BAILIFF: Anyway, do you swear to tell the whole truth, nothing but the truth, and something about Cornbread?
DR. CROCTOR: Yes.
{The bailiff walks away. Steve walks up to Dr. Croctor.}
STEVE: So doctor, tell us everything that happened during the time of Gunhaver's physical exam. Don't be afraid to tell the truth, since you're bound to the book.
DR. CROCTOR: Well, Gunhaver came into the room and demanded a physical for his "email fans"...
GUNHAVER: {off-screen} Hey! I can detect those quotation marks!
DR. CROCTOR: As I was saying, after the physical went along rather smoothly, then I decided to have a coffee break while he went to shoot the poor pigeons outside. I spilled coffee on myself, so the coffee break took longer than it should have taken. Then I came back to my office at the same time Gunhaver came back from his shooting. Then I read what was read from my paper that he had two pancreases, although I could have sworn that I wrote in something else.
GUNHAVER: {off-screen} Yeah, like me having three pancreases, but you wanted to lighten the load, did you?
DR. CROCTOR: No I didn't!
STEVE: Anyway, doctor, while you and Gunhaver were away, someone could have just replaced the real medical report with the fake one, right?
DR. CROCTOR: Precisely, and that's exactly what I think might be the case.
STEVE: All right, that's all for direct examination.
{Steve walks off-screen as 1-Up walks up to Dr. Croctor.}
SILENT RIP: {off-screen} Hey! Why does he get to go again?
ARROWHAVER: {off-screen} Yeah! He'll just rant on about pudding, again!
1-UP: {angrily} Fine! I won't go! Instead, I'll just go waste me time!
{1-Up angrily walks away. Silent Rip walks up to the witness stand.}
SILENT RIP: Okay doctor, were you lying?
DR. CROCTOR: No! I'm bound to that book with my right hand!
SILENT RIP: What if we cut it off?
GUNHAVER: {off-screen} SILENT RIP!!!
SILENT RIP: Okay, fine. So, did you really read off of that paper when you told Gunhaver had two pancreases?
DR. CROCTOR: Yes, I never improvise.
SILENT RIP: Then... I rest my case.
GUNHAVER: {off-screen} Oh man! I KNEW I should have chosen Fightgar to be a lawyer!
{Silent Rip sadly trudges away to the plaintiff table as Dr. Croctor walks away. Then Reynold comes as the bailiff brings in a TV.}
REYNOLD: Now here's evidence that Dr. Croctor is 100% innocent!
{Reynold puts in a video tape into the VCR attached to the TV. Then he turns the TV on.}
REYNOLD: This video tape is from a footage in one of the security cameras in Dr. Croctor's office.
{Cut to the TV (which only shows stuff in greyscale). Dr. Croctor's office is empty. We hear Dr. Croctor screaming, gunshots, pigeons crying out, and people screaming. Then a Jokester comes in with a piece of paper and swaps it with the paper with the physical examination statuses.}
JOKESTER: Tee hee! Oh boy, this'll be funny for some reason! I can't believe I get to do this! Tee hee!
{The Jokester runs out of the room. Gunhaver walks inside with a smoking gun and a pigeon feather and Dr. Croctor with steaming coffee stains all over his clothes. They go back into their original positions and Dr. Croctor reads the piece of paper. Just then, the scene freezes as we pan out to the previous scene.}
REYNOLD: So you see here, it turns out that the medical report about the two pancreases is fake!
{Cut to the plaintiff table, where Silent Rip and Arrowhaver are baffled by the evidence. However, Gunhaver is unnerved.}
GUNHAVER: Hey! You could have used Photoshop, or... Videoshop!
{Cut to Reynold standing in front of the witness stand.}
REYNOLD: Luckily, we managed to find the exact person who did this to support our case. I'd like to bring in Mr. P. Jokester to the stand!
{The bailiff walks to the witness stand with the Jokester, who walks into the witness stand. The bailiff holds out a book, which Jokester puts his right hand on.}
BAILIFF: Ditto on what I asked Gunhaver and Dr. Croctor.
JOKESTER: Yes.
{The bailiff leaves.}
REYNOLD: Now, did you switch Gunhaver's real medical report with the one you made about the two pancreases?
JOKESTER: Yes... {face beams} and I'm freakin' proud of it! I'm glad that my joke has become to achieving, that there's an actual court case that was because of this! I'm proud to humiliate Gunhaver, and yes, I'm telling the freaking truth!
REYNOLD: Okay, and that rests my case.
{Reynold walks away.}
JUDGE ANONYMOUSY: So, plaintiff, do you want to cross-examine him, besides the fact that the attempt to do that is fruitless?
ARROWHAVER: {off-screen} No.
JUDGE ANONYMOUSY: Okay, so, now there will be a cutaway while the two sides say their closing statements.
REYNOLD: {off-screen} Why is there a cutaway while we say...
{Cut to the timecard.}
After the closing statements that just repeat what is said...
{Cut back to the courtroom. Judge Anonymousy is facing the jury.}
JUDGE ANONYMOUSY: All right, so, members of the jury, now this is the time for you to think of a unanimous vote on what the verdict of this case will be. The verdict will be about whether Dr. Croctor will be guilty or innocent. Go.
{The seven jurors talk to each other for about 10 seconds. Then Jewel, the Jury Foreman, stands up.}
JUDGE ANONYMOUSY: Really? That fast? Cause that's like a record. Not that I should complain, since I did state that I need to go on my date. Anyway, what is the verdict?
JEWEL: The verdict is this: Based on the evidence presented in this case, Dr. Croctor is...
{There's drum roll in the background. Cut to a confident plaintiff table and a nervous defendant table. Cut back to Jewel.}
JEWEL: ...INNOCENT!
{Cut to Judge Anonymousy.}
JUDGE ANONYMOUSY: Okay, so Dr. Croctor is {whacks hand on the table} INNOCENT! All right! Case closed! Now I can go on my date!
{Judge Anonymousy leaves. Cut to the defendant table, where Reynold, Steve, and Dr. Croctor are celebrating. Cut to the plaintiff table, where Gunhaver, Silent Rip, and Arrowhaver are flabbergasted.}
GUNHAVER: I can't believe we lost! {to Silent Rip} AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!
{Gunhaver tosses the papers on the desk onto the floor and storms off.}
ARROWHAVER: You know, we can always sue the Jokester.
{The words "THE END" appear.}
Easter Eggs
- Click on THE to see this:
ARROWHAVER: You know, we can always sue the Jokester.
SILENT RIP: You just said that!
ARROWHAVER: I know, but I was about to add that the Jokester ran away from this place in record time before you interrupted.
- Click on END to see this:
{Cut to the case with the Chef Cheat. He is being questioned by an attorney.}
ATTORNEY: So, you say that that Cheat you blamed made you make Zucchini-Potato Pudding. How bad is it?
CHEF CHEAT: Well, it is a million times worse than peas!
ATTORNEY: Which is why we should all eat Bread & Sugar!
EVERYONE: {singing} THAT IS WHY YOU SHOULD EAT BREAD & SUGAR!!!!!!!!
JUDGE ANONYMOUSY: Wait, you're telling me that this court case is just a blatant advertisement for Bread & Sugar?
Fun Facts
- This episode is continued from Health.
- The jurors are all of the wiki users who voted in this poll. (Jewel represents PrincessHomestar).
- The reason why Jewel is jury foreman (or forewoman) is because Princess Homestar was the first user to vote in the aforementioned poll.
- Judge Anonymousy is based on Judge Judy, a TV show that shows court cases.
- Just for reference, here are what overruled and sustained mean:
- Overruled is to block objections and allow the witness to continue answering a question.
- Sustained is to let the objection stop a witness from answering a question.
- "D'oh!" is a famous catchphrase from The Simpsons.
- The whole talk about Cornbread is to prevent any religion statements that might users who practice different religions than Christianity, Catholicism, or other religions concerned with God.
- MeritPoints is from inspection.
- Firebert ruining Gunhaver's Delta refers to Douglas.
- Photoshop is a real computer program that allows you to edit pictures. Videoshop is just a non-existent parody to aid a joke.
- This is another instance of the Bread & Sugar running gag.
- Ryenold (Reynold's father) first made an appearance in Butterfly Effect.
- This "episode" originally depicted Joshua and Conchris as ordinary Cheats. This was before Conraver was made. As for Ryenold, I forgot about him.
