Other Character Email Gunhaver/Death
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Summary
Gunhaver and another "innocent soul" die. This is their experience in the "afterlife".
Cast (in order of appearance): Gunhaver, Alpha Stan, Reynold, Gravedigger, Sir Gunsman, Bartender, JJ, Doctor, Pirate, Craig, Fang, Various Dead People
Lines: 203
Page Title: Alpha 1260
Transcript
{Cut to the following message.}
In the following email, something's invented so that the email show won't prove itself to be religiously specific. So what you'll see here is an improvisation made suddenly, not proof about Shim-Sham-Sam and religion. Also, a line in the email will have a word that you may think is a swear, but it's used so it's NOT a swear. — Shim-Sham-Sam
{Cut to Gunhaver in front of the Alpha 1260.}
GUNHAVER: All right, so the other Cheat Commandos are outside, either getting a job or buying cool stuff for free. Whatever. It leaves me alone and undisturbed with my emails-ia!
Hello Gunhaver, you have 18 emails.
{Gunhaver presses a button to bring up the email.}
Subject: Death Seed PlagueHey Gunhaver,
Rya
Teh Death Seed Plague is coming to get you!
I secluded your location and shoved the plague
in through the ventilation. It's most likely
spread by now, so you and the people inside
currently or who will be infected will die
in the next 5 seconds, and it's unevadeable.
And by the way, I'm on Duro, so you can't catch
me.
-Say goodbye to your lives,
GUNHAVER: {reading} Hey Gunhaver, te...
{Suddenly, vapor sprays out of the Lappy, making Gunhaver drop onto the floor. Cut to a wider view of the computer room to show that he's dead. A toll bell strikes as grave music starts to play. After a while, Reynold walks onscreen.}
REYNOLD: Gunhaver? I managed to get myself out of that splint...
{The vapor reaches Reynold, killing him. Grave music played on a toy xylophone begins to play. Soon, the music ends. There is a very long pause.}
{Cut to a very dark and foggy world. There are ominous black shapes everywhere. Ominous music plays. Suddenly, Gunhaver lands on the ground from the sky.}
GUNHAVER: ...h Death Seed Plague is... Whoa! What is this place? Whatever it is... this looks like a very good place for us Cheat Commandos to colonize, even though we practically... never... {mumbles} colonized land before.
{Suddenly, Reynold lands on the ground from the sky.}
REYNOLD: ...er out of my... {pause as Reynold nervously looks around} WHAT IS THIS PLACE???
GUNHAVER: Oh man! Whatever it is, we can't colonize it anymore! It's infected with Reynolditis before colonization! {angrily} You suck!
REYNOLD: Really, Gunhaver, why are you treating me like extreme crud in the past few weeks?
GUNHAVER: Because...
{Suddenly, a metal boot stomps onto the ground in the foreground. A shovel stabs into the ground.}
SCREECHY VOICE: ENOUGH!!!!!!!!
{The surprised Gunhaver and Reynold look at the bearer of the voice. Cut to the bearer of the voice, a tall, cloaked figure with corpse-like claws, a shovel, corpse-like legs, and metal boots.}
CLOAKED FIGURE: YOU ARE AFRAID OF ME! THAT IS GOOD! EVERYONE IS ALWAYS AFRAID OF ME, GRAVEDIGGER, MASTER OF THE NECROPOLIS!
{Cut to Reynold and Gunhaver.}
REYNOLD: {terrified} Yes sir! I'm afraid of you.
GUNHAVER: I think that you're a cheap ploy for speculations. A generic cloaked figure? And you're not that scary at all!
{Cut to Gravedigger.}
GRAVEDIGGER: Want to see my true face, then?
{Gravedigger pulls down his hood. Cut to Gunhaver and Reynold. Reynold shrieks like a girl before covering his eyes. Gunhaver just stares at Gravedigger's face.}
GUNHAVER: Wow. You're butt ugly.
REYNOLD: {scared} Please, master! I have done nothing to displease you at all!
{Cut to the Gravedigger, who has the hood back on.}
GRAVEDIGGER: Now, unfortunately, you two aren't properly buried, burned, preserved, decayed, or anything like that yet, so you aren't official citizens of The Necropolis in my 100% control, meaning you aren't my slaves; but that doesn't mean that you can go lolly-gagging like idiots and attempting to escape and go back to life...
{Cut to Gunhaver and Reynold, except they aren't there.}
GRAVEDIGGER: {off-screen} Great. My short attention-span was probably why I ended up here in the first place. Thank malevolence!
{Cut to Gunhaver in a place that looks like a town with two-story buildings, except it's deserted and is filled with spider webs everywhere. Some tinny piano music is heard from far away.}
GUNHAVER: Man, what does this dumb have anything to have for pleasure and enjoyment?
{Suddenly, a glowing, human skeleton without any legs crawls up to Gunhaver.}
SKELETON: NOTHING!!!!!! THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FOR YOU HERE! THIS IS THE PLACE FOR THE DEAD! WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING? OLD CARTOON CHARACTERS POPPING OUT OF THE GROUND, DOING THE CANCAN IN FRONT OF YOU?
GUNHAVER: Why, yes. That's exactly what I expected.
{Suddenly, the skeleton turns into a slightly glowy version of Sir Gunsman (in greyscale).}
SIR GUNSMAN: Well, that was precisely the answer I expected from my descendant.
GUNHAVER: Do I know you from somewhere?
SIR GUNSMAN: Let's have a drink down at the Dead Bar.
{Gunhaver looks to the left.}
GUNHAVER: Wow. It looks so... dead.
SIR GUNSMAN: Indeed {muttering} you nincompoop.
{Cut to a grey and dusty library with dusty bookshelves with thick, dusty books. Reynold walks up to one and picks out a book and reads it.}
REYNOLD: Wow! This is how pi ends! Amazing!
{Reynold closes the book, puts it back in the bookshelf, and picks out another book and reads it.}
REYNOLD: Wow! It's Einstein's unfinished generalized theory of gravitation, except it's actually finished! This is amazing! I could be world famous if I publish this in the real-world; {sadly} if it weren't for the fact that I'm dead.
{Cut to a Western-style bar, with wooden tables, wooden seats, wooden floor, wooden counter, wooden walls, and swinging wooden doors. There are a few customers in the bar, drinking or eating. Gunhaver and Sir Gunsman enter through the swinging doors and sit on the wooden stools in front of the counter. A glowing, greyscale Sneak bartender with no legs floats to Gunhaver and Sir Gunsman.}
BARTENDER: Evening, sir and newcomer. Smashing day, wasn't it?
SIR GUNSMAN: It's never day here, you nincompoop, and you know that.
BARTENDER: {sighs} What would you like sirs?
SIR GUNSMAN: {to Gunhaver} You order first.
GUNHAVER: {looking at menu} Um... I guess I'll have... some of that... snuffed ru...
{Suddenly, a glowing, old looking Cheat who looks familiar to JJJ leaps onscreen.}
OLD CHEAT: Stop, in the name of corny and pathetic television shows for children! You were just about to say something that's inappropriate for children, teenagers, babies, and pirates in habilitation centers!
{Cut to a Cheat doctor sitting at a desk in front of a Cheat pirate, sitting on a chair.}
PIRATE: Arr! Ahoy, ye scurvy scum! I'm off to find me some buried treasure... arr!!!
{The doctor shakes his head. Cut to a screenwipe effect, which cuts to the same scene, except the pirate Cheat now looks like a lazy, jobless Cheat with an eyepatch.}
PIRATE: Ess! Shiver me timbers! I'm off to go to the nearest vending machine again!
{The doctor shakes his head. Cut to a screenwipe effect, which cuts to the same scene, except the pirate Cheat now looks like a businessman.}
PIRATE: Tee! Jolly-good! I'm off to find myself a job!
{The doctor nods his head. Cut back to the scene in the bar.}
GUNHAVER: Who the crap...
OLD CHEAT: C-word!
GUNHAVER: Who the crap are you?
OLD CHEAT: My name is Jonathan Johnson, former boss of 4Wimps until I died and was replaced by my angelic son, John Jonathan Johnson.
{Gunhaver makes gagging sounds before speaking.}
GUNHAVER: You guys suck! But... aren't there too many references to 4Wimps all of a sudden? Last email doesn't count, since it sucks, but...
VOICE: SHUT UP!!!!
{A large Cheat in a grey trenchcoat and a fedora jumps onscreen, landing on JJ.}
CHEAT: You are Gunhaver! You have broken the fourth wall WAY too many times in your lifetime! In fact, you may as well have broken the 1,208,925,819,614,629,174,706,176th wall!
SIR GUNSMAN: Oh, shut it, Craig.
CRAIG: Hey! You shouldn't be speaking!
SIR GUNSMAN: Yes I should! Back in my day, the confounded fourth wall didn't exist!
CRAIG: Oh, are you asking for a fight, for us Fourth Wall Patrol officers are armed heavily!
{Craig gets out a large, weird looking gun. Sir Gunsman gets out his pistol.}
SIR GUNSMAN: {whispers to Gunhaver} Run.
GUNHAVER: Rum?
JJJ: {off-screen} Quiet! Don't say that word!
CRAIG: You have been an enemy against me for a long freakin' time! It's time to end this!
SIR GUNSMAN: You do remember that since we were buried, cremated, decayed, or stuff like that, the Gravedigger has given us powers of immortaility?
CRAIG: {whining} But I still want to shoot the gun! {normal} Besides, isn't your friend still somewhat alive?
SIR GUNSMAN: That's why I just whispered to him to run, but he didn't, that nincompoop. He doesn't know that if he dies here, he'll go to The Necropolis' Necropolis!
GUNHAVER: Are you calling me crap?
SIR GUNSMAN: {shouts} RUN!!!
{Gunhaver runs out of the bar just when firing is heard from inside. Sir Gunsman is thrown out of the bar through the doors and onto the ground next to Gunhaver.}
SIR GUNSMAN: Gunhaver, run. You are still somewhat alive. Find a way to get out of here before it's too late!
GUNHAVER: But how?
SIR GUNSMAN: There are some citizens of the Necropolis who have access to the real world. However, all of them got out to the real world a little too late, which is why that there are vampires, zombies, werecheats, and the like. If you can find one of these citizens, he or she can probably help you!
GUNHAVER: Sweet! I hated this land of crap anyway!
SIR GUNSMAN: But, Gunhaver, here's advice for you. Beware of the c...
{Suddenly, Craig leans out of the bar and shoots at Sir Gunsman, creating an explosion that sends Gunhaver crashing through a window of a building. Cut to inside the building, where Reynold looks at a book cover in front of the bookshelves.}
REYNOLD: Wow! I can't believe it! The meaning of life! I'll finally be able to know the answer to that one unsolvable question that sent many philosophers into asylums, I think!
{Reynold prepares to open the book when Gunhaver (from the right) flies into Reynold, causing Reynold to drop the book and go flying with him through a window at the other end of the building. Cut to a grim-looking field with hills. Gunhaver and Reynold, screaming, crash onto the ground. Gunhaver slowly gets up while Reynold starts to mourn.}
REYNOLD: {sadly} I can't believe I missed out on the chance to know the meaning of life!
GUNHAVER: Shut up, Reynold! We need to find the dead person
{Fang walks onscreen with a suitcase.}
FANG: {happily} Ah! It's horrible to be back at The Necropolis from the real world!
GUNHAVER: Fang? What are you doing here?
FANG: I'm here for my deathday party. At the party, I'll be able to meet others who died at the same day I died. I get to meet Charles Shultz every year!
GUNHAVER: Good grief! Anyway, in order to get to the point, Fang, I need your help!
FANG: Why? You never did anything to me, asides from throwing rocks at me and ditching my party!
GUNHAVER: Fightgar threw the rock at you! I just ditched your stupid party with tomato juice!
FANG: Yeah, whatever. Just what do you want?
GUNHAVER: How were you able to escape this neco place?
FANG: The Necropolis, you mean. Well, I just made these drinks that'll transport you to the real world, but I'm not lending you any, since you ditched my party and are still technically alive!
{Reynold gets up.}
REYNOLD: Well, can you show the drinks to us and talk about them so we can probably make them instead of ask help from you?
FANG: I guess so.
{Fang gets out two small, green bottles with dark liquid inside them.}
FANG: You know what? No. Instead, I'll just list their side-effects for fun. Side effects include: sneezing, allergies, diarrhea, insomnia, nervousness, headaches, fevers, stomachaches, tooth sores, addictiveness to sugar, smallpox, cowpox, chickenpox, moosepox, tigerpox, fainting fits, laziness, switching bodies, doing the cancan, cow punching influenza, swelling, memory loss, loss of ability to speak several languages, gaining the ability to speak several dead languages, neutralization of ability...
{Suddenly, a shovel flies through the air from off-screen. Gunhaver and Reynold duck in time, causing the shovel to hit Fang in the face, knocking him unconscious. Cut to the Gravedigger.}
GRAVEDIGGER: NO! THAT WAS MY GOOD SHOVEL AND FAVORITE CITIZEN WHO ESCAPED FROM THE NECROPOLIS! You will pay.
{Cut to Gunhaver and Reynold.}
REYNOLD: Oh yeah? You and what army?
{Cut to the Gravedigger. Suddenly, a bunch of official citizens of The Necropolis (including Sir Gunsman, Craig, and JJ) appear behind the Gravedigger with weapons, growling. Cut back to an angry Gunhaver and a scared Reynold.}
GUNHAVER: Remind me to scold you that you should never be assertive.
REYNOLD: This is bad!
GRAVEDIGGER: {off-screen} Army! Send them to HELL!
GUNHAVER: Did he just swear??? {notices dropped bottles on the ground} Hey! Fang dropped those drinks! I should use this to my advantage!
{Gunhaver picks up a bottle, pops off the cap, and drinks from it. Immediately, he spits out the drink and throws away the bottle, creating a shattering sound. Reynold manages to drink from a bottle without any problems.}
GUNHAVER: Ew! That was disgusting! It's worse than eating burnt beans infected with Rey...
{Suddenly, Gunhaver and Reynold disappear right when the Gravedigger's army run onscreen.}
GRAVEDIGGER: {off-screen} NOOOOOO!!!!! THEY'VE ESCAPED!!!!!
{Fade to black. Suddenly, it's revealed that this is a POV as the person's eyes open, facing the ceiling of the Cheat Commandos HQ.}
GUNHAVER: {thinking} Ugh! What a big mess I don't remember about! Huh? Why do I sound so funny? I almost sound like...
{Gunhaver stands up. We are shown Gunhaver lying on the floor, unconscious by the chair.}
GUNHAVER: {thinking} AHHHHHH!!!!! What's my body doing there???
{Gunhaver runs to the chair and looks at the Alpha 1260's screen. On the screen is a reflection of Reynold, revealing that Gunhaver's in Reynold's body.}
GUNHAVER IN REYNOLD: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! WHAT THE CRAP IS GOING ON?????????
Uh... Click here to email Gunhaver at GEmail.exe
To be continued... if you didn't see that coming, you're stupid.
Easter Eggs
- Click on Gunhaver when he's talking about colonizing land to see this:
Cheat Commandos Colonized Lands: One
- Cheat Commandos HQ
FANG'S (CRAPPY-TASTING) TRIP TO LIFE!
- Highlight below Alpha Stan's message at the end of the email to see a rather obvious statement.
Fun Facts
- Rya was a main character on Bonus Stage. However, it should be noted that due to the series' current condition, she only exists in mirrors and the main page.
- The word "necropolis" means "graveyard" or "cemetary".
- Click here to read about the cancan.
- Click here to read about pi.
- Einstein was working on the Generalized Theory of Gravitation before dying, therefore, being unable to finish it.
- This has another reference to 4Wimps, which was referenced in the previous email.
- Gunhaver saying that the aforementioned email sucks references the reviews "Instability" received.
- 1,208,925,819,614,629,174,706,176 is 440, which implies, not proves, that Gunhaver broke the fourth wall 40 times in his lifetime.
- Charles M. Schultz was the creator of the famous comic strip Peanuts. He died on February 12, which is also Fang's deathday.
- February 12 is when this email was released.
- "Good grief!" is a catchphrase from the aforementioned comic strip.
- Fang mentioning that the Cheat Commandos (Fightgar) throwing rocks and ditching his party references Favorites and Favorites, respectively.
- Fang references punching cows and cowpox.
- This email will obviously continue into the next email.
