Other Character Email Gunhaver/Health
From Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki
Contents |
Summary
Doctors always tell you the bad news with nothing they can do to help. That's all I'll say.
Cast (in order of appearance): Gunhaver, Alpha Stan, Reynold, Hospital Staff, Dr. Croctor, Jokester, Fightgar, Silent Rip, Flashfight, Crackotage, Firebert, Foxface, Reinforcements, Blast Maverick, Frostbite, Power Punch, Gyro, BlastFit, 1-Up, Arrowhaver, Tomahaver, Steve, Pineface, Jewel, Princess, Iron Prizefighter, Blue Laser, Carl, Lenny, Moe, and Barney
Lines: 248
Transcript
{Cut to Gunhaver in front of the Alpha 1260.}
GUNHAVER: I-mail! A-mail! O-mail! U-mail! They all suck, so that's why there's E-mail!!
ALPHA STAN:Hello Gunhaver. You have eight new emails.
{Gunhaver presses a button to make the following email appear. He reads it.}
Subject: thanxMr. Haver. (or is it Hammer?)
P.S. I'm not a real doctor, but I like to play the drums.
thank you for putting me back in my snail shell!
also have you had your physical lately?
if mot come see me.
-Dr. Worm
GUNHAVER: {typing} Hmm... Dr. I can't capitalize Worm... that name doesn't ring a bell. For the record, I don't know a doctor named Worm not have I put anybody in a snail shell. Well, maybe except for that one time...
{Cut to outside. Gunhaver is holding a fearful Reynold in front of a large snail shell labeled, "SNAIL SHELL OF DOOM!"}
GUNHAVER: NOW GET IN!!!
{Gunhaver throws Reynold into the shell. The hole is sealed by a metallic door as we hear Reynold screaming inside. Cut to Gunhaver in front of the Alpha 1260.}
GUNHAVER: {typing} Ahh, good times, although I have no idea what that was about. Anyway, I guess it has been a long time since I last hade my physical. I'll go to the hospital and hope that you do the checkup, assuming that you are still alive, you know, since you're either a worm or a snail.
{Cut to the hospital. Gunhaver walks up to the reception desk.}
GUNHAVER: Uh, hi. Can I have a physical exam with Dr. Worm?
DESK LADY: I'm sorry, but Dr. Worm no longer works here. He was run over by a car two days ago while he tried to cross the street. {sniffs} It's tragic!
GUNHAVER: WHAT??? That's injustice! He's just a worm or a snail! And most of all, I need to have my physical exam for my email fans!
DESK LADY: In that case, you can still have a physical exam with Dr. Croctor.
GUNHAVER: Dr. Croctor? Who the crap is he???
{Cut to Dr. Croctor in the classroom.}
DR. CROCTOR: Cheese is important because...
{Cut back to Gunhaver at the reception desk.}
GUNHAVER: Oh, I thought he was just a teacher.
DESK LADY: Yeah, but for some reason, today, he's a doctor. Now have your physical exam with him NOW!
{Cut to the following time card.}
After a long an boring physical examination...
{Cut to Gunhaver and Dr. Croctor sitting at a desk.}
DR. CROCTOR: Okay, we're done with the physical. I have your status on this piece of paper here. But now, I'll go on a coffee break.
{Dr. Croctor leaves the room.}
GUNHAVER: And I'll go on a shoot-the-pigeons-break.
{Gunhaver leaves the room. We hear Dr. Croctor screaming, gunshots, pigeons crying out, and people screaming. Then a Jokester comes in with a piece of paper and swaps it with the paper with the physical examination statuses.}
JOKESTER: Tee hee! Oh boy, this'll be funny for some reason! I can't believe I get to do this! Tee hee!
{The Jokester runs out of the room. Gunhaver walks inside with a smoking gun and a pigeon feather and Dr. Croctor with steaming coffee stains all over his clothes. They go back into their original positions and Dr. Croctor reads the piece of paper. His expression changes to a grave one.}
DR. CROCTOR: {gravely} I'm afraid I've got some bad news, Mr. Haver.
GUNHAVER: Just call me Gunhaver. Mr. Haver's just silly!
DR. CROCTOR: {gravely} Gunhaver, you have two pancreases.
GUNHAVER: Yeah? So?
DR. CROCTOR: {gravely} Cheats are not supposed to have two pancreases! You're going to die!
GUNHAVER: All of us have to die. Just as my old dead great uncle Pistolman said...
DR. CROCTOR: You're going to die at midnight!
{Dramatic music plays.}
GUNHAVER: WHAT???? NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! I CAN'T DIE NOW! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE! WHY ME????? WHY NOT REYNOLD???????????????????????
{Cut to Gunhaver in a room in the Cheat Commandos. Everything is dark, and dramatic music is still playing.}
GUNHAVER: No, I can't believe I'm going to die tonight! There's so much stuff I wanted to do before I died, or at least, reached mid-life crisis! But, I know what I must do. I must do what I want to do before I die... BEFORE I DIE!!!
{Suddenly, the lights are turned on to make everything normally bright. Gunhaver goes to the boom box and turns it off to turn off the dramatic music.}
GUNHAVER: It's 5 PM. I've got 7 hours to live, so I'd better make these seven hours the best in my life! Goal number one...
{He gets out a long sheet of paper.}
GUNHAVER: Make a shorter list. That's done. Goal number two...
{He gets out a small note card.}
GUNHAVER: Answer a total 100 emails before I die. Jeez, I shouldn't really push myself... but okay!
{Cut to Gunhaver in front of the Alpha 1260.}
GUNHAVER: Okay, let's make this quick, painless, and worthwhile simultaneously as I answer 33 more emails. Ready? Go!
{Gunhaver presses a button to make the following email appear. He reads it quickly.}
Subject: TravelingHey Gunhaver.
-Interstellar Stella, The Farthest Reaches of the Galaxy.
Have you ever been on a vacation of some sort?
If so I Reccomend Japan, Florida, New York, and California.
Those are all beautiful Locations
GUNHAVER: {typing} Well Stelly, I think I already traveled to some places. And if I didn't, then I can't, because I'm going to die. Number 69!
{Gunhaver presses a button to make the following email appear. He reads it quickly.}
Subject: noneI still love you.
-Fhqwhgads
GUNHAVER: {typing} Um, I have no acquaintance with a Fugh-cwug-gads. And if I do, then I would be cheating on Foxface. Overall, get lost. Email 70!
{Gunhaver presses a button to make the following email appear. He reads it quickly.}
Subject: WHAT IS HIS DEAL?!What is Contestro's deal with you Cheat Commandos?
-Markie
And how come you don't really advertise anymore?
GUNHAVER: {typing} Well, I think I insulted his name in a previous timeline. But for this timeline, I think that he was dropped on the head when he was a baby. As for your second question, who cares? I mean, I'm going to die, Mark! Numbah 71!
{Gunhaver presses a button to make the following email appear. He reads it quickly.}
Subject: Joel Dawson.Hey Jude.
-Captain Fred, Pepperland
What would it be like If Joel (from bonus stage)
Answred an E-mail?
GUNHAVER: {typing} Well Freddy, I'm not Jude. Secondly, I swore with some copyright infringement freaks that I wouldn't involve Bonus Stage in my emails. So this is as good as deleted. DELETED!!
{Gunhaver deletes the email.}
DELETED!
{Gunhaver presses a button to make the following email appear. He reads it quickly.}
subject: Contestro?!?Did Contestro used to be in the Cheat
-Conte--err I mean um...Jim
Commandos? You said he was, and...
GUNHAVER: {typing} Another Contestro email??? Well Conte-Err-Jim, I couldn't care less if he was in the Sneak Commandos, the Cheat Commandos, or Blue Laser, because I'm going to die. NEXT!
{Gunhaver presses a button to make the following email appear. He reads it quickly.}
subject: Homygawsh!Hay Gunhaver!!
-cat (yeah that's my real name)
I think you should have a garage sale! I mean, think of all da things
you can sell...
GUNHAVER: {typing} Well dead cat, I don't have time for a garage sale. But I should give away my valuable stuffs to my favorite Cheat Commandos. And so I will. Number 73!
{Gunhaver presses enter to make the following email appear on the screen.}
Subject: SUPER-ULTRA-MEGA IMPORTANTSr. Gunhaver,
espião do laser azul.
Eu devo informar que Foxface é realmenteum
GUNHAVER: Uh, what's important about this encrypted email? I'd translate, but I have to die soon, so... DELETED!
{Gunhaver deletes the email.}
DELETED!
GUNHAVER: Numero 74!
ALPHA STAN:No more new emails.
GUNHAVER: Oh, that sucks. I didn't even reach number 75! Oh well, at least I did the best I could. And Alpha Stan, it's nice knowing you.
ALPHA STAN:You never got to punch a cow.
GUNHAVER: Heheh. Too bad I don't know what that means, nor will I ever get what that means. Good-bye.
{Gunhaver shuts down the Alpha 1260 before sniffing.}
GUNHAVER: Now to give away stuff.
{Cut to a room. Gunhaver is in front of the Cheat Commandos (the ones listed above in the characters list).}
GUNHAVER: I'm afraid I've got some bad news. I have two pancreases.
FROSTBITE: Yeah? So?
GUNHAVER: Cheat's aren't supposed to have two pancreases!
PINEFACE: {gasps} Does that mean?
GUNHAVER: I'm going to die at midnight, which is why I'm going to give away all my valuable stuff to you right now before I get to do the other stuff I want to do before I die.
{The Cheat Commandos gasp.}
GUNHAVER: Uh, you gasped at the wrong time. Bad comedic timing.
FIGHTGAR: Oh.
BLAST MAVERICK: So are you going to get on with the ruddy giving away crap now or never?
GUNHAVER: It's now, but first, I'm going to announce who I'm not going to give even a single particle to.
{Gunhaver gets out a long list.}
GUNHAVER: I should make shorter lists from now on, but there won't be from now ons, since I'm going to die. Anyway...
{He begins reading from it.}
GUNHAVER: {reading} The following people won't get anything when I die: Blue Laser, Reynold...
{Reynold groans.}
GUNHAVER: ...Blue Laser, his minions, anyone affiliated with Blue Laser (that does not include Arrowhaver), Blue Laser, my schoolteachers (if I have any, and I think I do), did I mention Blue Laser, Emjas, Contestro Sevornkey, Blue Laser, Carteen Sraven, Blue Laser, Firebert, Blue Laser, Black Laser, Blue Laser, Steve, and finally, Blue Laser. {stops reading} Okay, so for the people I just called out, LEAVE!!!
{Reynold, Firebert, and Steve groan as they leave the room, muttering. Cut to the following time card.}
A few hours of giving away stuff to the Cheat Commandos so that there's only two hours of living for Gunhaver left... (man, that was a long time card)
{Cut to a room with an electronic clock that says 10:30 PM. Gunhaver is looking around anxiously.}
GUNHAVER: Oh, where are they? They promised they'd be here at 10:29!
{Silent Rip walks into the room.}
SILENT RIP: Sir, I have some bad news.
GUNHAVER: What?
SILENT RIP: Just Nife can't come. They're too busy, or they're too lazy, to come!
GUNHAVER: WHAT??? OH SUPERCRAP!!! I have one and a half hours to live, and I can't even watch my favorite band's concert?
SILENT RIP: However, that gives us to do what you wanted to do on your alternate "to do before I die" list. Go and bother Blue Laser for the last time, go to the Shooting Land, and go to your favorite restaurant.
GUNHAVER: Silent Rip, all restaurants in Cheat City are closed at this time.
SILENT RIP: Well, we can always pester Blue Laser and go to Shooting Land.
GUNHAVER: And Shooting Land went down months ago.
SILENT RIP: I guess we can always bother Blue Laser.
GUNHAVER: Okay!
{Cut to the Blue Laser HQ. Blue Laser and his minions are in a room.}
BLUE LASER: SO WHY IS IT THAT WE'RE NOT GOING TO SLEEP? IT'S BECAUSE WE CAN'T WASTE OUR TIME SLEEPING WHEN WE SHOULD BE CRUSHING CHEAT COMMANDOS ALL NIGHT LONG! SO THAT'S WHY WE'RE GOING TO NOT SLEEP!
{The minions groan and mutter "sir" at the same time.}
BLUE LASER: DON'T COMPLAIN! WE'RE NOT GOING TO SLEEP UNLESS GUNHAVER OR FLASHFIGHT IS GOING TO DIE TONIGHT!!!
GUNHAVER: {off-screen} Hold it right there, Blue Loser!
{Gunhaver, Silent Rip, and Fightgar (sobbing into a handkerchief) run into the room.}
BLUE LASER: UGH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE???
GUNHAVER: We're going to bother you like there's no tomorrow! And that's because there is no tomorrow for me! I'm going to die in about one hour!
BLUE LASER: YOU'RE GOING TO DIE??? YES!!! {to minions} MINIONS, IT'S TIME FOR US TO SLEEP!
{Blue Laser and his minions leave the room.}
GUNHAVER: But wait! What about the bothering and the annoying and the...
{Just then, Gunhaver gasps and collapses. Cut to a bed in the Cheat Commandos HQ. Gunhaver wakes up. The Cheat Commandos are there.}
GUNHAVER: Ugh, Blue Laser needs a new air freshener for his headquarters.
FOXFACE: Really? I thought it was because of your two pancreases.
GUNHAVER: Yeah, I guess so. What's the time?
FLASHFIGHT: Five meeneets to meednight.
GUNHAVER: WHAT?? This is the lousiest last day of living ever! But, here are my last few words.
{Soft piano music plays. Cut to Foxface.}
GUNHAVER: {off-screen} Foxface, I always loved you.
{Cut to Flashfight.}
GUNHAVER: {off-screen} Flashfight, I always hated you for being the leader of the Cheat Commandos and not me.
FLASHFIGHT: No problem.
{Cut to Silent Rip and Fightgar.}
GUNHAVER: {off-screen} You two are my two favorite Cheat Commandos.
SILENT RIP: Aw...
{Fightgar continues to cry. Cut to Arrowhaver.}
GUNHAVER: {off-screen} You're a great friend, even though you are capable of killing me.
ARROWHAVER: Thanks.
{Cut to Blast Maverick, Power Punch, and Frostbite.}
GUNHAVER: {off-screen} At first, you were okay, until I learned you like being in musicals.
{Cut to Tomahaver.}
GUNHAVER: {off-screen} By record, you are one of the coolest Cheat Commandos ever, and the fastest one to be in that class.
{Cut to Pineface.}
GUNHAVER: {off-screen} I have nothing to say to you.
{Cut to Firebert.}
GUNHAVER: {off-screen} Your name still sucks.
{Firebert groans. Cut to Jewel and Princess.}
GUNHAVER: {off-screen} You're both ugly. Naw... just kidding... maybe.
{Cut to Gyro.}
GUNHAVER: {off-screen} You are very useful, but you are also very nerdy.
{Cut to BlastFit.}
GUNHAVER: {off-screen} Not only are you weird, but I hate you for trying to shoot me.
{Cut to 1-Up.}
GUNHAVER: {off-screen} You're not bad for a Cheat Commando, but please get off of pudding for the rest of your life!
{Cut to Steve.}
GUNHAVER: {off-screen} You're really annoying.
{Cut to Iron Prizefighter.}
GUNHAVER: {off-screen} You're too new for me to say anything special to you.
{Cut to Reynold.}
GUNHAVER: {off-screen} Reynold, here's something I've always wanted to tell you after all this time. You...
{Cut to Gunhaver at the bed. He gasps before being unconscious. A clock begins chiming. After the twelfth chime, lightning strikes outside. Everything is silent. All the Cheat Commandos look mournfully at Gunhaver.}
THE END?
{Just then, Gunhaver wakes up.}
GUNHAVER: Whoa, is this heaven?
{He looks around until he sees Reynold.}
GUNHAVER: AHHHHHH!!!! THIS ISN'T HEAVEN IF REYNOLD'S HERE!!! This must be the other place!
REYNOLD: Gunhaver! You're not dead!
GUNHAVER: Really? COOL! Now... {jumps off bed} I'm going to sue Dr. Croctor for making me waste time like this. {to Gyro} Gyro, I want you to use some invention to recover all of the emails I wasted seven hours ago. There's about 6.
GYRO: Yes, Gunhaver.
GUNHAVER: And now... to the suing department.
{Gunhaver walks away. Then Alpha Stan appears on a wall, scaring away everybody except for Reynold, Steve, Silent Rip, 1-Up, and Fightgar (still crying).}
Click here to email Gunhaver at GEmail.exe
STEVE: Hey! Come back! He's not that bad!
REYNOLD: Yeah!
SILENT RIP: Reynold, for the record, you've never seen him.
REYNOLD: Maybe.
{Fightgar continues crying.}
1-UP: Sheesh Fightgar, you're such a crybaby!
ALPHA STAN: Wow 1-Up, I'm glad you're not afraid of me anymore.
1-UP: THE WALL'S ALIVE! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
{1-Up runs away.}
Easter Eggs
- Click on Alpha Stan to see this:
{Cut to a white screen. Tense music begins play as the words "Judge Anonymousy" scroll across the screen.}
ANNOUNCER: Next on Judge Anonymousy...
{A picture of Gunhaver appears.}
ANNOUNCER: Gunhaver...
{A picture of Dr. Croctor appears.}
ANNONCER: ...versus Dr. Croctor in a case where Gunhaver tries to sue the doctor for telling him he's going to die when he's not!
{Cut to the following.}
Judge Anonymousy
Released some days on the Fanstuff Wiki at some time. Remember that the next episode is about Gunhaver vs. Dr. Croctor
Sponsored by Bread & Sugar!
- Click on the bed to see Blue Laser sleeping:
{Blue Laser is sleeping on his bed. His room is filled with posters of Cheat Commandos being beaten up or massacred. Blue Laser keeps on muttering "Crush the Cheat Commandos. Gunhaver is going to die..."}
Fun Facts
- Dr. Croctor made his appearance way back in Cheesy films (email 4).
- The scene to help Gunhaver remember Croctor is taken from the said email.
- The pancreas is a large lobulated organ that secretes digestive enzymes and the hormones insulin and glucagon (taken from the H*R Wiki). What the two of them in a Cheat has to do with death, I don't know.
- Great Uncle Pistolman died in Bread.
- The emails is referenced when Gunhaver talks about why Contestro hates the Cheat Commandos.
- The emails Gunhaver unceremoniously answer will be answered in the future emails. Do note that they're still in the inbox.
- Fhqwhgads first emailed Gunhaver in Fhqwhgads.
- Gunhaver's explanation on why he can't make Bonus Stage references anymore reference to an entry from Gunhaver's Blog (a.k.a. The G-Blog).
- The garage sale email is extremely familiar to the one in garage sale.
- This is another instance of the punching cows running gag.
- Blast Maverick's, Frostbite's, and Power Punch's presence in the HQ tell us that in Escape, they too went to the Cheat Commandos HQ.
- Gunhaver's will's beginning is from Pageant with some changes.
- Just Nife is in the Gunhaver Email DVD.
- Gunhaver saying that Silent Rip and Fightgar are his favorite Cheat Commandos kind of contradict what he says about them at the end of their own sections in Favorites.
- It's in this email where BlastFit accidentally almost shot Gunhaver with his ion cannon.
- The people who did not run away from Alpha Stan have encountered him before. Silent Rip and Fightgar encountered him in Monument, Steve in Awesome, Reynold in Gruzzles (1-Up email), and 1-Up in 30X2 (of course, he later runs away, since he never got over Alpha Stan yet in the 1-Up emails).
- The first Easter egg indicates a future Not Quite Email, as well as a future poll.
- This is another instance of the Bread & Sugar running gag.
