Other Character Email Gunhaver/Deterioration
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Summary
Gunhaver is forced to leave the safety and comfort of his new kingdom as the takeover begins. He "receives help" from milkmen. Then he faces Blue Laser as he begins to take some action.
Cast (in order of appearance): Cheats, Black Laser, NAGSI Headmaster, Gunhaver, Island Citizens, Guards, Hooded Cheat, Reynold, Tuxedo, Milkman, Blue Laser, Silent Rip (Picture), Cheat Soldiers, Howard
Page Title: Strong Bludgeon 1260
Lines: 267
Transcript
Act I: Back Home
{The following appears.}
2 months later...
{Cut to a view of Cheat City. The sun is rising. Some Cheats are seen getting out of their houses. Zoom out to show that this is being looked at by Black Laser through a window, holding up window blinds. Black Laser appears to be inside an office.}
BLACK LASER: The dawn of a new day...
{Black Laser drops the window blinds and looks at the NAGSI Headmaster, who is unconscious and on the ground. Black Laser reaches inside a pocket.}
BLACK LASER: ...what a pity...
{Cut to the island from the previous email. Cut to the airstrip. It is morning here as well. Pan to a sign which says the following.}
Welcome to the
Kingdom of Almighty Cheat
Gunhaver PWNs All Island
{Cut to a large castle in the city. The poster that showed THE Cheat has been replaced by a large poster of Gunhaver. Cut to the throne room, where various citizens are fanning Gunhaver while feeding him Bread & Sugar.}
GUNHAVER: Ah... this is the life... this is paradise... I mean, I have servants who will do anything I want them to do. Not to mention everyone has to do what I say and want.
{A citizen feeds Gunhaver a Bread & Sugar. Gunhaver munches on it before spitting it out.}
GUNHAVER: Hey! That Bread & Sugar was too hard! You made it hard on purpose, did you?
CITIZEN #1: No! No! Trust me! I didn't mean to!
GUNHAVER: Ah, feeding me crappy Bread & Sugar and lying to me, eh? You're on {evilly} Probation!
CITIZEN #1: Please! No!
GUNHAVER: Take this filth away!
{Two guards appear and drag the citizen off-screen.}
GUNHAVER: {sighs} Well, this is the life... {slightly dejected} I guess... Hey subjects, entertain me.
{The fanning citizens immediately stop and face Gunhaver. They begin to sing a song in the melody of the Donkey Kong Country theme song.}
Gunhaver, is he the best?
Gunhaver, yes he's the best!
Gunhaver, he's so the best!
He is the PWNing master!
{Gunhaver yawns.}
GUNHAVER: You were off-key, again. I could've sworn you also missed a beat, or two. Don't you play video games? Sheesh...
{Gunhaver shakes his head.}
GUNHAVER: {sighs} Forget it. I'm going to think about putting you on Probation...
{The fanning citizens gasp and look around, scared.}
FANNING CITIZEN #1: Please! Have mercy, master!
GUNHAVER: Beg me one more time, and I'll be sure to put you all on Probation. You're just lucky I'm running out of loyal subjects! {to self} I wonder where they all went.
{Cut to a long line of dejected citizens in a dark alley. Behind them is a sign labeled, "PROBATION." The sign is by a metal door. The metal door opens as a hooded Cheat beckons to the citizens.}
HOODED CHEAT: {raspy voice} Come on in here, and meet yo- {coughs} 'Scuse me. Man, I need a break...
{Cut to Gunhaver getting up from the throne and walking to the courtyard, where many citizens are creating a giant statue of Gunhaver made of stone.}
GUNHAVER: {shouts} Yeah! Keep up the good work! Make sure it's handsome! Otherwise, I'm putting you all on Probation!
CITIZENS: YES SIR!
{Gunhaver leans against a pillar.}
GUNHAVER: It just came to me. It's been what, two months since I've first come to this island?
{Pan right to show Reynold chained to the pillar Gunhaver's leaning against.}
REYNOLD: Yes. And?
GUNHAVER: I was about to wonder what's taking Foxface so long to get her makeup, but since you spoke, I have no choice but to transfer you to Stage 9...
REYNOLD: Something worse than being chained to a pillar and starving?
GUNHAVER: Yes, since it's fun!
{Gunhaver claps. Two guards walk toward Reynold. Just then, a tuxedoed citizen (wearing a nametag saying, "Hi! My name is Tuxedo!" and wearing shades) walks up to Gunhaver.}
TUXEDO: Uh, Master?
GUNHAVER: What?
{The guards taking care of Reynold break Reynold's chains from the pillar.}
TUXEDO: Well, there's a boat that came to the island. By its label, it seems to be a Milkman Boat, a boat belonging to the Milkmen Society.
GUNHAVER: And?
{Two citizens carrying the Alpha 1260 walk onscreen. Meanwhile, Reynold looks left and right as the guards sneeze at the same time. Then Reynold dashes away. The guards taking care of Reynold look confused at his absence.}
TUXEDO: Well, we were choosing the email you were going to choose today, and we saw this particular email when the Milkman Boat came. See for yourself.
{Gunhaver looks at the Alpha 1260 screen and reads the email. Cut to the Alpha 1260 screen.}
Subject: Milk!I am the milkman!
My milk is delicious!
GUNHAVER: Wow. The lack of signatures must be some fad, or something, these days. Well, so you think this is connected with the Milkman Boat? Think it's just a coincidence?
{The two guards who are supposed to be taking care of Reynold whisper at each other.}
TUXEDO: We thought so too, but then we saw that the milkman was, you know... him...
GUNHAVER: {alarmed} Blue Laser?
TUXEDO: No. Theodore Herbert Elizabeth Cheat. You know, that guy you overthrew two months ago?
{One of the guards casts a sideways look at Gunhaver.}
GUNHAVER: Oh, him? What, do you think he's trying to overthrow me to get his kingdom back? That's just ridiculous. I'm not going to both-
TUXEDO: Well, his boat has guns.
{The two guards run away.}
GUNHAVER: Whoa! A boat that has guns? I've got to check that out!
{Cut to a pier, where Gunhaver, Tuxedo, and the two citizens carrying the Alpha 1260 walk up to a white boat shaped like a milk bottle (with two guns on the boat's bow). THE Cheat, who is dressed up as a milkman, walks out of the boat.}
THEODORE: What do you want? Do you want to take my job as well?
GUNHAVER: Like I want to be a milkman, Elizabeth. Just give me the boat! I want to have a boat with guns! It's cool!
{Suddenly, screams are heard. Pan to the sky to show fighter planes flying around the kindgom, shooting missiles and bullets at various buildings and people. Many explosions occur throughout the kingdom.}
{Cut back to Gunhaver and the Alpha 1260 on the pier. Tuxedo, the two citizens, and THE Cheat have run away. Gunhaver looks bemused as he picks up the Alpha 1260.}
GUNHAVER: I wonder what the crap is up with them. I mean, they dropped the freakin' Alpha, nearly breaking it!
{The screams and explosions continue.}
ALPHA STAN: Oh yes. Thanks for worrying about me. Now, let's run away as fast as possible. I have no intention of being nuked.
GUNHAVER: You too??? Man, you computers have no guts at all, huh?
ALPHA STAN: Of course. I am a computer, you know. A machine? Ring a bell?
{The screams and explosions continue.}
GUNHAVER: Hold on. {facing kingdom} WILL YOU SHUT UP WITH YOUR SCREAMS, AND ALL? I'M TRYING TO THINK WHAT TO BE MORE CONCERNED ABOUT N-
{Suddenly, a large explosion rocks the entire island, knocking Gunhaver and the Alpha 1260 onto the pier. A large stone head shaped like Gunhaver's falls from the sky and falls into the water.}
GUNHAVER: Was that the head from my statue???
{A window breaking is heard from the boat.}
GUNHAVER: Oh man! I've got to get out of here NOW! Screw this island!
{Gunhaver looks around, picks up the Alpha 1260, and jumps into the entrance of the Milkman Boat. The boat speeds away from the island, with its guns shooting lasers. The lasers create explosions of milk.}
{Cut to Gunhaver on the controls in the boat's cockpit. He is rapidly pressing two blue buttons on what looks like a game controller. He is also tilting the controller, making the boat turn depending on the direction the controller is tilted.}
GUNHAVER: Man, these guns are cool.
REYNOLD: {off-screen} It's best not to waste your am-OOOOOOOOOHH!!!
{The boat swerves to the left as Gunhaver tilts the controller too much to the left in surprise. A crash is heard from the rear of the boat. Gunhaver looks around and groans.}
GUNHAVER: How did you get in here?
{Reynold, a bit disheveled, walks onscreen.}
REYNOLD: I broke in. I'm sure you won't be held responsible for that broken window.
GUNHAVER: Since when do you break through windows?
REYNOLD: Well, I've be- WATCH O-!
{Cut to the Milkman Boat crashing into a wall on mainland.}
REYNOLD: {faintly; from boat} I'm okay...
GUNHAVER: {from boat} Still? Man. It'll be the end of the world before I can rid myself of Reynold for good...
{Cut to Gunhaver and Reynold squeezing their way out of the ruined boat. Gunhaver has his Alpha 1260 with him. Around Gunhaver and Reynold are smoking ruins of buildings. A stealth jet zooms through the sky.}
REYNOLD: It looks like there's been a big takeover. Think we should rock 'n' roll?
GUNHAVER: This is nothing... I think. I think those guys back at the Headquarters Playset are slacking off. It's time for a sound scolding, once I get back. Although I shouldn't forget to give you a sound sco-
{Suddenly, a missile flies over Gunhaver and Reynold's heads and destroys the Milkman Boat. Cut to show fighter planes flying to mainland, shooting lasers. Cut to Gunhaver and Reynold running away from the planes.}
GUNHAVER: Man! This is crazy! How are we supposed to get back home?
REYNOLD: I'm more concerned of our survival!
{A laser misses them by a few inches. Suddenly, a missile is shot at the fighter planes. The planes split up, but the missile hits one of the planes, destroying it in an explosion of a liquid that is sprayed all around the area. Cut to Gunhaver and Reynold looking up, soaked by the liquid. Reynold tastes the liquid.}
REYNOLD: Hey! It's milk!
{A white helicopter, labeled "Milkmen Society," lands by Gunhaver and Reynold. A milkman pokes his head out of the helicopter's opening.}
MILKMAN: Hey! What did you do to that Milkman Boat? I was sent to see what destroyed that boat, and if you two destroyed it...
GUNHAVER: Perfect! This is just what we need!
{Gunhaver jumps and whacks the milkman in the head with the Alpha 1260. The milkman slumps and falls onto the ground.}
GUNHAVER: All right! Time for me to fly home, blasting planes along the way!
{Gunhaver jumps into the helicopter.}
REYNOLD: Don't you mean "us"?
{The helicopter begins to fly away. Reynold screams as he jumps and latches on to the helicopter's tail. Cut to show various shots of the helicopter (with Reynold stil grabbing on for his life) flying over places where destruction is present nearly everywhere. Many fighter planes are seen and shot down in explosions of milk.}
{Cut to the entrance of the Cheat Commandos HQ. The helicopter is seen having crashed into trees. Gunhaver, holding the Alpha 1260, gets out of the helicopter and walks to the Headquarters Playset unscathed. Reynold is seen dropping onto the ground. Part of the stealth jet seen from before is seen through the trees.}
{Cut to inside the HQ, which is dark and deserted. There are signs of battle.}
GUNHAVER: Man, nothing to welcome me back, huh? {pause} Man... did those guys actually lose, or something? I should've been here sooner...
{Cut to Gunhaver's computer room. Gunhaver places the Alpha 1260 on the desk.}
GUNHAVER: {to Alpha 1260} You know, for a witty computer, you sure know how to survive all of the crap we went through. Not to mention you're a nice bludgeoning device! Now... I should probably work on finding those commandos, but I guess I should reply to that milkman email.
{Gunhaver gets onto his chair.}
GUNHAVER: {typing} So, milkman, your milk may not be delicious, but it can be explosive! I should invest in your milk someday...
{Suddenly, THE Cheat jumps out of the shadows and whacks Gunhaver in the head with a hammer, knocking him unconscious. Then THE Cheat gets out a box, stuffs Gunhaver in it, seals it, and stamps it. Cut to THE Cheat, talking on a cell phone.}
THEODORE: Hello? Yes, I've got Gunhaver. And I'm ready to send him over to Blue Laser's. {pause} Yes. Thank you. I wish you and the Legion the best of luck, Shadow. {pause} Yes, I want my paycheck delivered to me.
{THE Cheat hangs up. Then he faces the box.}
THEODORE: You should think twice before overthrowing me from the throne. This is from Elizabeth...
{Cut to the box. The stamp reads, "TO BE DELIVERED TO BLUE LASER'S." Fade to black.}
Act II: Blue Laser's
{Cut to an unconscious Gunhaver in an empty cell. There is a barred window, a metal door, and a bench. When Gunhaver gets up, he looks around, confused, while rubbing his head where he was struck. Pan swipe to show Gunhaver punching the bench.}
GUNHAVER: Ugh... stupid bench! It won't be carved into a harmonica!
{Gunhaver slumps onto the floor.}
GUNHAVER: Man. I'm sure those airplanes, explosions, and other destructive stuff mean that something very bad is happening. Not to mention that I was struck in the head. And the deserted Cheat Commandos Headquarters Playset is obviously a bad sign. {sighs} I wonder how the good guys are doing.
{Gunhaver looks out the barred window.}
GUNHAVER: Hmm... interesting...
{Cut to what Gunhaver's looking at: A horrible, crayoned drawing of a green field with butterflies, trees, and a smiling sun. Cut back to Gunhaver in his cell.}
GUNHAVER: Either the war's over, I just hallucinated the war, or my eyesight is finally failing me. {sadly} I knew I shouldn't have watched TV 128 hours straight in my childhood! {pause} Hey, wait a minute!
{Gunhaver goes to the barred window, puts a hand through the bars, grabs the drawing, and pulls it out. Then he looks through the barred window and gasps.}
{Cut to what Gunhaver is seeing: The land in desolation, with planes, tanks, and military robots shooting and bombing at everything in sight, fCon Ninjas with guns and rocket launchers attacking and destroying, people being attacked and killed, corpses, and several explosions. All of the smoke and debris block out the sun, making the land very dark, despite the fact that it's still daytime.}
{Cut back to Gunhaver.}
GUNHAVER: Oh man! They're having a really big and fun war without me!
BLUE LASER: {off-screen} HEY, WHAT THE... WHO REMOVED THIS PIECE OF ART I MADE TO DISTRACT GUNHAVER AND SHOW OFF MY ARTISTIC PROWESS?
{Gunhaver runs to the barred window and sticks his head through the bars. Cut to an exterior wall of the Blue Laser HQ (Blue Laser's Nana's house). Blue Laser is standing in front of a barred window that Gunhaver is sticking his head through.}
GUNHAVER: Blue Laser, have you cheated the laws of space and time and created this destruction behind my back?
BLUE LASER: UH... NO... BUT I CHEATED A LOT IN VILLAIN SCHOOL... OH FORGET IT! IT'S JUST BORING TO BE GUARDING YOU WHILE MY PARTNERS ARE TAKING OVER THE WORLD.
GUNHAVER: Oh, right. You're one of those Bane dorks. So this is serious. I need to get out of here!
BLUE LASER: WELL, TOUGH LUCK! AS LONG AS MY MINIONS AND I GUARD...
{Gunhaver leans over and whispers something in Blue Laser's ear. Blue Laser suddenly grows angry.}
BLUE LASER: HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT ABOUT MY MAMA!
GUNHAVER: Well, what are you going to do about it? Cry? That's not going to work. I've seen you waterlog your eyes way too many times, crybaby!
BLUE LASER: ARGH! YOU ARE SO DEAD!
{Gunhaver takes some deep breaths.}
GUNHAVER: Well, I'm breathing, so that means I'm still alive. Come on. Are you going to stand there and wait like a coward, or are you going to free me so we can duke it out to see who is the better of us?
{Suddenly, Blue Laser pushes a button on the wall with the barred window, causing an hole to appear in the wall. Gunhaver gets his head out of the barred window and walks outside.}
GUNHAVER: Before we fight to the death, I have to ask you... {points upwards} WHAT THE CRAP IS THAT???
BLUE LASER: NICE TRY, BUT I'M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT!
{Gunhaver turns away and starts to run.}
BLUE LASER: HEY! GET BACK HERE! I HAVEN'T TURNED THE OPPOSITE WAY YE...
{Suddenly, a missile flies into the area and creates a big explosion.}
{Cut to Black Laser in a silver room, looking at a screen showing the explosion.}
BLACK LASER: And that's that. Don't take it personally, Blue Laser, but despite the rumors, I'm not your father. Just be thankful I hit you with a stun missile so you can live for a few more dismal hours.
{Cut to Gunhaver running down a sidewalk with a brick wall. Posters titled with "FOR JUSTICE'S SAKE, KILL..." are taped to the wall.}
GUNHAVER: That was very close. Who knows what will happen if I got hit by the missile? Well, I should find the Cheat Commandos as fast as possible. If I want to save the world, I need to find them.
{Gunhaver walks off-screen. Second later, he goes back onscreen and reads the posters on the wall. Zoom into the poster Gunhaver is reading. The poster has a picture of Silent Rip.}
GUNHAVER: {reading} For justice's sake, kill Silent Rip, long-time member of the Cheat Commandos, the terrorist group currently taking over the world after destroying all of the Beta Oyster technology, blowing up a city block with a nuclear bomb, brainwashing all of the fCon Ninjas belonging to Max of the Legion of Sane, and hacking all of the Cheat City military weapons, which are currently being used to wreak havoc. {normaly} That's CRAP!
{He looks at a poster with his picture and reads it.}
GUNHAVER: {reading} ...kill Gunhaver, the guy who is responsible for everything bad. {normal} How come mine's so short?
VOICE: {off-screen} I saw Gunhaver run over here after knocking out Blue Laser and his minions! We'll be able to get him and probably save the world!
VOICE #2: {off-screen} I hope he doesn't know that the Cheat Commandos, recently supplied with weapons from someone, are going back to the Headquarters Playset! He'll use that as a hiding place!
GUNHAVER: Eep!
{Gunhaver runs off-screen.}
{Cut to a ruined building. Gunhaver peeks his head out of a shattered window, holding a shard of glass.}
GUNHAVER: This is ridiculous. I need to go back to the Headquarters Playset so I can get some weapons and help! Well, {looks at shard of glass} if they've declared me a terrorist...
{Cut to Cheat soldiers running down a street, which has several ruined buildings on either side. Suddenly, the soldiers stop in their tracks. Cut to Gunhaver with a Cheat soldier in his grip, holding the shard of glass at his neck.}
GUNHAVER: Don't move! It's my first time doing this hostage thing!
CHEAT SOLDIER #1: {off-screen} Howard! How dare you get into this situation!
CHEAT SOLDIER #2: {off-screen} Was all that training for nothing???
CHEAT SOLDIER #3: {off-screen} You aren't worth anything anymore! Shoot him!
GUNHAVER: Eek!
{Gunhaver throws Howard onto the ground and runs at practically the speed of light.}
CHEAT SOLDIER #2: {off-screen} Boy, that terrorist sure can run.
{Alpha Stan appears on a ruined wall.}
Click here to email Gunhaver at GEmail.exe
Easter Egg
- Click on the wall with Alpha Stan to see this:
{The Cheat soldiers and Howard look at the wall and scream in horror.}
CHEAT SOLIDER #1: AHHHHH!!!! That wall is alive!
CHEAT SOLDIER #2: It's going to eat us!
HOWARD: I prefer getting killed by that terrorist over this!
{The four Cheat soldiers run away. Alpha Stan chuckles.}
ALPHA STAN: Pleasure to do you service...
Fun Facts
Act I Fun Facts
- This email continues from Island. Elements of the previous email are found in the first act of this email.
- Gunhaver is fed Bread & Sugar.
- The citizens sing to the melody of the theme song of Donkey Kong Country.
- Reynold says "rock 'n' roll" in place of "rock, rock on" in Shopping for Danger.
Act II Fun Facts
- This was originally the only part actually written out when the "email" was first made. Parts of the act have been revised since then.
- It was a popular belief that Black Laser was Blue Laser's father.
- The "FOR JUSTICE'S SAKE" poster for Silent Rip references the events of Ocean King and Ultimatum.
