Other Character Email The Wheelchair/sick

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The Wheelchair Email #29

Contents

Summary

The Wheelchair is taken away by Crack Stuntman and Teeg Dougland to a factory where wheelchairs are made, but The Wheelchair gets sick.

Cast (in order of appearance): The Wheelchair, Crack Stuntman, Teeg Dougland, George, Mr. E

Plot: George is Kidnapped & Capturing The Wheelchair (Only at the end)

Computer: Happy 354

Lines: 145

Page Title: Happy wit' da tree-fitty-fo' foo!

Release Date: November 10, 2007

Transcript

{The Wheelchair double-clicks on "Email"}

THE WHEELCHAIR: {singing} And as they say in Atlantis, e-schwa! I mean...email!

{an email pops up}

(Why does The Wheelchair even have a subject bar?)

Hi, something,
Do wheelchairs get sick?

Thanks, Bub

THE WHEELCHAIR: {typing} Racist! You think just because we're wheelchairs means we don't have feelings too! Of course we get sick! Are you trying to remind me about how wheelchairs almost went extinct? Well, if you don't know, it starts with...someone sitting on your seat. Now, this wouldn't be a problem if the person's butt isn't sick, but if it is...

{Cut to a vein. A black blood cell goes past a red blood cell and the red blood cell turns black. This continues until all blood cells are black. Then, no blood cells at all pass.}

THE WHEELCHAIR: {typing} The butt virus goes into the wheelchair's veins, then it spreads the virus, corrupting every blood cell in the body. Then, nothing at all functions. It's a terrible way to die...except it's really fun to watch, especially if the human gets up! The wheelchairs go cukoo first, and sometimes they even explode! But still...it's a terrible way to go. One of my friends went through it. It was extremely funny, I admit, but it looked painful. {clears screen} Anyway, humans have been killing wheelchairs this way for a while now. My biggest wish...I mean...fear is that they'll come to my house and take me away.

{the doorbell rings}

THE WHEELCHAIR: {melodramatic} Hmmmmmm...I wonder who that could possibly be on this fine day. {rolls offscreen}

{Cut to The Wheelchair opening his front door. Teeg Dougland and Crack Stuntman are on the other side, wearing black suits. Crack Stuntman is holding a clipboard.}

CRACK STUNTMAN: Why hello...{cut to a shot of Crack Stuntman's hand, which has The Wheelchair written on it in marker and also a picture of The Wheelchair is taped to his hand} The...Wheel...chair. {cut back to a normal view} Would you like to sign this non-suspicious contract for absolutely no reason at all?

THE WHEELCHAIR: You mean the contract that if I sign guarantees the rights that you can legally kill me of butt disease?

TEEG DOUGLAND: {whispering to Crack Stuntman} I'm afraid I have some bad news: He's onto us.

CRACK STUNTMAN: Well, if you die, we'll give you...OVER 9000 dollars!

THE WHEELCHAIR: Do you really think I'm that stupid?

CRACK STUNTMAN: Erm...yes?

THE WHEELCHAIR: Well...I am! So, where do I sign?

{Cut to The Wheelchair at the Happy 354}

THE WHEELCHAIR: {typing} So, my execution date is to be...{sneezes}

LITTLE KIDS VOICES: {as if forced} Bless you, Mr. Wheelchair.

THE WHEELCHAIR: WHAT THE PFARGTL WAS THAT!!! {turns to the left and then to the right} Did little kids just...what the? I mean...why would little kids - {sneezes}

LITTLE KIDS VOICES: Bless you again, Mr. Wheelchair.

THE WHEELCHAIR: Where is that coming from? The vent? Yeah, that must be it! Now I remember. That vent leads directly to the basement, where I lock up all the - {sneezes}

LITTLE KIDS VOICES: Three in a row! NEW RECORD!!!!, Mr. Wheelchair.

THE WHEELCHAIR: {leaves the screen, and comes back with tape} This should shut you up. {tapes up a vent} Good. Now, back to business. {rolls over to Happy 354} {typing} It seems like I come down with a cold. Hmm...I guess...wheelchairs do get sick. Wow. I thought I was lying earlier, but...wheelchairs get sick. Just wow. I mean, we're usually inanimate objects! Anyway, {sneezes} my execution date is... {sneezes}

{the doorbell rings}

THE WHEELCHAIR: Right now!

{cut to The Wheelchair opening his front door, which Teeg Dougland and Crack Stuntman are behind}

THE WHEELCHAIR: I'm ready {sneezes} to - {sneezes}

CRACK STUNTMAN: Are you sick?

THE WHEELCHAIR: Um...yes.

CRACK STUNTMAN: Wheelchairs get sick?

THE WHEELCHAIR: I actually didn't know - RACIST!! You think just because I'm a wheelchair doesn't mean I can't get sick? Of course I can get -

CRACK STUNTMAN: But isn't the common cold a human disease? Or at least an animal kingdom disease?

THE WHEELCHAIR: Well, Strong Bad caught it.

TEEG DOUGLAND: {whispering to Crack Stuntman} I afraid I have some bad news, Stuntman. We can't disease a sick wheelchair. He'll absorb the butt virus instead of becoming ill from it and become immune to all butts!

CRACK STUNTMAN: {whispering to Teeg Dougland} We could still take him to the factory though, and cure him of the disease there. {in normal voice} Well, The Wheelchair, the time has come. Follow us {under his breath} to your doom.

{Cut to The Wheelchair literally being thrown into a dungeon cell by Crack Stuntman. Crack Stuntman locks the dungeon bars and then tosses medicine to The Wheelchair.}

CRACK STUNTMAN: Take that medicine twice daily and it'll help restore you to good health.

THE WHEELCHAIR: But how will I know the time to take the medicine?

CRACK STUNTMAN: Uh...well...take my $500 dollar watch that doesn't light up with a button and you can't see it in the dark. {takes a watch off his hand and throws it to The Wheelchair}

THE WHEELCHAIR: But...how do I see the time if it's all dark in here?

CRACK STUNTMAN: Uh...take this antique lamp. {Crack Stuntman reopens the dungeon bars and throws in an antique lamp (which he got from hammerspace), then locks the bars again} Oh, and you should probably take some carrots too. {he tosses a bag of carrots to The Wheelchair through the bars}

THE WHEELCHAIR: There aren't any outlets in here! How can I power the lamp?

CRACK STUNTMAN: Um...give me a second. {leaves screen and comes back pushing a generator} This should power the lamp! {unlocks bars and pushes lamp inside, then leaves dungeon cell and locks The Wheelchair inside} You know, uh, Wellchair or whatever, you could've just escaped right there and locked me in the cell.

THE WHEELCHAIR: Oh...yeah. Didn't think of that. Crud.

{"A FEW DAYS LATER" pops up onscreen. Cut to Crack Stuntman opening The Wheelchair's dungeon cell.}

CRACK STUNTMAN: You seem to be cured of your cold. Did you take your medicine twice {holds up two fingers} daily?

THE WHEELCHAIR: {in a slightly robotic voice} Yes.

CRACK STUNTMAN: Follow me then.

THE WHEELCHAIR: Yes.

{Crack Stuntman begins to walk away, but The Wheelchair doesn't follow}

CRACK STUNTMAN: I said follow me.

THE WHEELCHAIR: Yes.

CRACK STUNTMAN: That's it! {walks over to The Wheelchair and pushes him offscreen}

{Cut to Crack Stuntman pushing The Wheelchair onscreen. Onscreen consists of a factory background and Teeg Dougland.}

CRACK STUNTMAN: Will you do the honors, Teeg?

{Teeg Dougland walks over to The Wheelchair}

TEEG DOUGLAND: I'm afraid I've got some bad news, The Wheelchair. You're about to get the butt virus.

THE WHEELCHAIR: Yes.

{Teeg Dougland begins to sit down on The Wheelchair's seat, but the scene pauses}

ANNOUNCER: How will The Wheelchair get out of this one? Find out next week...or year...on the WEmail show! I personally have no clue how he'll escape but...he can't die. But...just look at that! Teeg Dougland's behind is only about an inch away from the seat. I mean...this is going to take some major retconning or something to get out of. Yeah.

THE WHEELCHAIR (not the one onscreen): What? A whole week-slash-year until the conflict is resolved!

ANNOUNCER: Well, actually, nevermind. Go ahead with the rest of the email.

{The scene unpauses and Teeg Dougland sits down on The Wheelchair. The Wheelchair explodes, and Teeg Dougland and Crack Stuntman get covered in ash.}

CRACK STUNTMAN: What!? Now we can't use him as a product! Great going Teeg! Your butt doesn't need to be that sick!

TEEG DOUGLAND: I've got some bad news. That wasn't the real The Wheelchair.

{the camera pans to the right, revealing The Wheelchair, who has not exploded, and is still alive}

THE WHEELCHAIR: Ha! I outsmarted you!

CRACK STUNTMAN: Teeg! Sit on him now!

{Teeg Dougland runs over to the real The Wheelchair and sits down on him. The Wheelchair sneezes Teeg Dougland off.}

CRACK STUNTMAN: OH NO! You sat on The Wheelchair when he was still sick! WHY didn't you take your medicine, The Wheelchair?

TEEG DOUGLAND: I'm afraid I've got some bad news, Crack Stuntman. The Wheelchair can't get sick anymore.

CRACK STUNTMAN: Just one question, The Wheelchair. How did you do it?

THE WHEELCHAIR: Well I...um...pulled a laser out of hammerspace, plugged it into the generator, and umm...made a robot out of the wall...and...ummmm...uh...then I programmed the robot with parts from the generator. Then I left through a hole in the wall...and...I came back with some TNT, put it under the factory, and it's gonna explode in T-minus five seconds.

CRACK STUNTMAN: What?

TEEG DOUGLAND: I'm afraid I've got some bad news, Crack Stuntman. The place is gonna explode!

{Explosion fires fill the screen, blocking all sight. Some sort of hero music plays, and as the smoke and flames clear, The Wheelchair comes out of it.}

THE WHEELCHAIR: Excellent.

{The Wheelchair rolls offscreen, and even more smoke clears, revealing Crack Stuntman and Teeg Dougland ducking with their heads down, covered with tons of ash and soot.}

TEEG DOUGLAND: I'm afraid I've got some good news: we're alive.

{cut to The Wheelchair at the Happy 354}

THE WHEELCHAIR: {typing} And that's all for my adventure, almost meeting both death and the butt virus. But since I destroyed a wheelchair factory, the world just might become a better place because of it.

{Cut to a different wheelchair factory. Five wheelchairs are chained to a wall and five people sit on each wheelchair in unison. The wall moves, as if on a conveyor belt, and five more wheelchairs come onscreen, and the five people sit on these wheelchairs. Cut back to The Wheelchair at the Happy 354.}

THE WHEELCHAIR: {typing} Or maybe not. {clears screen} Well, to answer your question, racistperson1589, yes, wheelchairs do get sick not only of butt virus, but of certain actual diseases, such as Mad Cow Disease or the Bird Flu. And, that's all.

{Cut to a dark cave. George the snail is visible in his cage, and Mr. E's shadow is visible also.}

GEORGE: I've been kidnapped for a year and a half. Let me go.

MR. E: No. The Wheelchair will come. He must.

GEORGE: He knows I'm kidnapped, but...he doesn't care. He's not coming. Let me go.

MR. E: No! I will not set you free! He'll come eventually, I know it!

GEORGE: Right he will. In the mean time, can you reveal who your identity is?

MR. E: No thank you. But you know...if The Wheelchair doesn't want to save you I'll just have to force your father to make him do it...Mwah ha ha hah ahh hah hahh hahahhahhaha HA!

GEORGE: No no no! You're doing the evil laugh all wrong! You have to go...{makes an evil laugh so evil it can't be described in script words}

MR. E: Oh my pfartl. That evil laugh is so evil, it makes me want to kill myself.

GEORGE: Well go ahead. Just give me the key before you do.

MR. E: No! I will go to Plan B!

GEORGE: Aren't you kinda on Plan Omega now?

MR. E: Shut up! And for your information, I haven't even gotten anywhere near Greek letters yet!

GEORGE: Right. Z is extremely far from Alpha. Like one letter if you go straight from the English alphabet to the Greek alphabet.

MR. E: I'm carrying out my plan. No one can stop me. {walks offscreen}

{The Paper comes down}

Easter Eggs

  • Click on George to see The Wheelchair giving a presentation:

{The Wheelchair is on a stage. Behind him is a screen that says "Butonious Exphelio Virus" on it in big bolded black letters.}

THE WHEELCHAIR: Butonious Exphelio, or A.K.A. Butt Virus, is a very dangerous disease. {The words "Very dangerous" appear behind The Wheelchair} This virus may be funny to you if a friend gets it and you watch them die, {The words "Funny to watch someone die with it" appear on the screen} but it is very painful. In fact, you die almost instantly and don't feel a thing.

CROWD: {offscreen} What?

  • Click on "cukoo" when The Wheelchair types it to see a picture of a wheelchair going crazy.

Fun Facts

  • E-schwa is a word JeRM made up that he says all the time in real life. It means basically everything, but yet nothing.
  • Pfargtl is from Sbemail 169 Deleted Scene.
  • Alpha and Omega are both letters of the Greek alphabet.
  • OVER 9000 is some stupid fad on GameFAQs.com and is a quote from Dragon Ball Z.
  • Strong Bad caught a cold in the short Sick Day.
  • Carrots are known to improve eyesight, thus the reason why Crack Stuntman gave The Wheelchair them.
  • Hammerspace is a a place where people grab stuff from...just click the link and see what it is yourself.
  • Look retcon up in a dictionary to find out what it means.

Commentary


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