Other Character Email The Wheelchair/sports

From Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki

The Wheelchair Email #33

Summary

The Wheelchair tells what types of sports he plays.

Cast (in order of appearance): The Wheelchair, Ready For Primetime, George, The Worm, Sherlock, race dogs, Eh! Steve (easter egg)

Plot: None

Computer: Happy 354

Lines: 138

Page Title: Happy with the 354

Release Date: April 4, 2008

Transcript

{The Wheelchair double-clicks on "Email"}

THE WHEELCHAIR: {singing} I once rolled down a hill, but I crashed into email!

{an email pops up}

(Seriously, what's the point of having a subject bar if NO ONE USES IT?)

Dear Wheelchair,
Do you play any sports?
Sam The Man

THE WHEELCHAIR: {typing} Well, Samman...er...Salmon...Simon, I do play sports. Sometimes. Maybe. Whatever. Anyway, besides racing or whatever, which I've explained a couple times already, I play baseball.

{Cut to The Wheelchair holding a bat and standing next to home plate at a baseball field. Ready For Primetime is pitching.}

READY FOR PRIMETIME: Psst...I'm gonna throw you a change-up.

THE WHEELCHAIR: Um, you're not supposed to tell me that, but okay.

{Ready For Primetime throws the baseball toward The Wheelchair. The Wheelchair hits the ball and it flies away a good distance, but he also lets go of the bat, flying forward, and knocking down Ready For Primetime. The Wheelchair begins to roll quicky toward first base.}

{Cut to The Wheelchair jumping into the air in slow motion and rotating so his chair is facing downward. He begins to arc down toward the base, and right before he lands his tires get hit by a world globe that flies onscreen from...in slow motion. The Wheelchair flies offscreen in not slow motion. A thudding noise is heard.}

READY FOR PRIMETIME: {walking onscreen} Now you know how it feels!

{Ready For Primetime is hit with the same globe, which comes flying onscreen from the right. Cut to The Wheelchair at the Happy 354.}

THE WHEELCHAIR: {typing} Now, while I have absolutely no clue where Ready For Primetime got a globe from and why he chucked it at me while I was doing a slow motion, in-air slide toward first base, I do realize that hitting him, quote - accidentally - unquote {types "accidentally"}, with the bat was a great idea since I found it hilarious. {clears screen} Anyway, moving on, I also like to play basketball.

{Cut to a basketball court. The Wheelchair is onscreen dribbling a basketball with his invisible arms. The Wheelchair rolls forward, and Ready For Primetime tries to block him, but The Wheelchair jumps up into the air, holds the ball behind his handlebars, and then slam dunks the basketball into the hoop. The Wheelchair and the basketball fall to the ground.}

READY FOR PRIMETIME: How did - you - How did you do that?

THE WHEELCHAIR: Well, it took a while, but I attached strings to my back and hired a bunch of guys to lift me. Watch! {The Wheelchair lifts up into the air}

READY FOR PRIMETIME: Whoa!

{A snapping noise is heard and The Wheelchair falls slightly on one side and floats on an angle.}

THE WHEELCHAIR: Oh, crud.

{Another snap is heard and The Wheelchair both falls and rotates down to the ground and with a thud, upside-down.}

READY FOR PRIMETIME: Whoa! How'd you make it look like you really hit your handlebars?

{Cut to the Happy 354}

THE WHEELCHAIR: {typing} Yeah, while those two sports are fun, nothing can beat the pure awesomeness of burnworm. What? You've never heard of burnworm? Well, I'd explain the rules, but it's more fun just to watch.

GEORGE: {leaning onscreen} Burnworm! Can I play?

THE WHEELCHAIR: Yes you can! The more the merrier! {laughs for no reason}

{Cut to The Wheelchair and George, both holding a BMW lighter, standing around The Worm's hole. After a few seconds, The Worm pops out.}

THE WORM: Erm...what are you guys doing? Not burnworm again?

THE WHEELCHAIR: {lighting the lighter, making fire come out of it} {in a cold and serious voice} Yeah. That's what we're playing.

THE WORM: Oh. You know you've never won before, right?

GEORGE: {lighting lighter} {cold and serious voice} Yeah. But that might change.

THE WORM: Eep!

{The Worm coils himself into a spring and bounces up and offscreen, then lands behind The Wheelchair and squirms offscreen. The camera follows The Worm as he moves away from the two, but Sherlock suddenly appears and grabs The Worm in his mouth.}

THE WORM: Crud! Sherlock! Why do you have to try to get me now?

{The Worm stretches, trying to escape. After a few seconds of struggle, a snap is heard and The Worm flies up into the air and offscreen. Cut to a stream in Sweet Cuppin' Cakes land.}

THE WORM: {screaming, first distant but then getting louder and louder}

{The Worm lands in the stream, making a small splash. The Worm begins to wiggle in an attempt to get out of the water.}

THE WHEELCHAIR: {him and George coming onscreen} Well, we have some technical difficulties here. Luckily, I know how to drain the water.

{The Wheelchair rolls offscreen, and a draining sound is heard. The water level goes down until there's no water left and a drain is revealed, and The Worm actually goes down the drain with the water. The Wheelchair comes back onscreen.}

THE WHEELCHAIR: Erg...what happened to The Worm?

GEORGE: Oh, I burned him to a crisp. And he certainly didn't go down the drain. No way that could happen.

THE WHEELCHAIR: Right. I hope you're lying, though, because I'd never be able to play this sport again. Plus I'd have to eat you if you burned him and not me. I'm the pyromaniac here, not you.

GEORGE: Eh...right. But doesn't that water flow to a town filled with starving people who need the water to quench their thirst?

{Cut back to the Happy 354}

THE WHEELCHAIR: {typing} I highly doubt that sport's a sport, anyway. But whatever. Anyways, I also like to play...old computer throwing!

{Cut to The Wheelchair in Sweet Cuppin' Cakes, holding his smashed Wheely 145. The Wheelchair spins around fives times, then lets go of his computer. As it flies to the right, the camera zooms out, until The Wheely 145 lands on the ground far away from The Wheelchair. The camera zooms in on The Wheelchair again.}

THE WHEELCHAIR: BAGH! Only 230 meters!

{George comes onscreen holding the Happy 354.}

THE WHEELCHAIR: Uh...George? What are you doing with that?

GEORGE: What? This piece of junk used to be my old computer. I figured since I sold it, and I didn't have any old computers, that I'd just steal my old one back!

THE WHEELCHAIR: That's not exactly a good idea, you know.

GEORGE: Well why not? You just chucked yours, now I chuck mine. Fair deal.

{George begins to spin around in a circle to build up momentum to throw the computer.}

THE WHEELCHAIR: I swear if you throw that, I will eat -

{George chucks the computer in the air and offscreen}

THE WHEELCHAIR: {in a deep voice} NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

{Cut to The Wheelchair at the Happy 354}

THE WHEELCHAIR: {typing} And that ended the Happy 354. Forever. And so that answers - er...wait. If George smashed up my computer, how am I typing right now? Hmm...he must've chucked someone else's Happy 354.

GEORGE: {leaning onscreen} No, it was yours.

THE WHEELCHAIR: {not typing} I'm gonna eat...

GEORGE: {interrupting} See, the computer just landed on a creepy talking mattress. I only retrieved your computer out of the goodness of my heart.

THE WHEELCHAIR: That's a lie. You threw someone else's computer.

GEORGE: Oh yeah? I can prove it! See those bite marks {the camera pans upward, revealing bite marks on the top of the computer's frame} on your computer? Those are my dog's bite marks when I told him to retrieve it.

THE WHEELCHAIR: Hmm...right. Er...isn't a dog bigger than you? Couldn't he just gobble you up?

GEORGE: Yeah, he would if I didn't have 10,000 volts pumped into him everytime he tried to come near me.

THE WHEELCHAIR: Right...er - tried?

GEORGE: It only happened once. Just once.

THE WHEELCHAIR: Right.

{Cut to a race-track. The words "First Not-Annual Races", comes up onscreen, overlapping the background of the field.}

READY FOR PRIMETIME: {voice only} I'm Ready For Primetime...

THE WORM: {voice only} ...And I'm The Worm...

READY FOR PRIMETIME: ...And we're commentating on this not-years not-annual race.

{The scene cuts to The Wheelchair on the racetrack, surrounded by dogs...and Sherlock.}

THE WORM: Looks like this year's competitors are The Wheelchair, a bunch a fast runners called "dogs" and a Sherlock.

READY FOR PRIMETIME: Hmm...who would name their racing car "dog" though anyway?

THE WORM: I don't know, Ready For Primetime, but it's about the time to start the race.

READY FOR PRIMETIME: Huh? Oh, right. {rustiling noises; the geddup noise sounds}

{Ready For Primetime appears in front of the racers holding a black and white checkered flag.}

READY FOR PRIMETIME: Okay! Get ready to race! I want you guys to go when I say three.

{Everyone rushes forward, trampling Ready For Primetime and beginning the race. Cut to an aerial view of the racers.}

READY FOR PRIMETIME: All right, I'm back. What'd I miss?

THE WORM: You know that you missed relatively nothing because you got trampled less than five seconds ago, right?

READY FOR PRIMETIME: No. I actually did not know that. But anyway, it looks like "The Dawg" is in first place now, with The Wheelchair in a close last place, and everyone else in between. How you holding up, The Wheelchair? {pause} The Wheelchair?

THE WORM: Oh, I think I forgot to install the earpiece and microphone into The Wheelchair. Sorry.

READY FOR PRIMETIME: Oh. So what're we gonna do? Just commentate the whole time?

THE WORM: Yes. Very much yes.

{The Wheelchair begins accelerating and passes a bunch of dogs and Sherlock, until he's in first place. Then The Wheelchair takes out a bag filled with marbles and drops it on track. The dogs literally spin out of control, crashing into each other until they're offscreen. Sherlock turns his legs into helicopter blades and spins them above his head, dodging the marbles. He lands back on the ground with his legs in the correct position.}

READY FOR PRIMETIME: There's an efficient way to cheat by The Wheelchair. Keep it up, The Wheelchair!

THE WORM: Right now, our racers are reaching exhilarating speeds of over four miles per hour! Whew! That is fast!

READY FOR PRIMETIME: That's correct, and with these speeds, simple crashes can do a lot of damage to a racecar.

THE WORM: Yes, except there are no racecars.

READY FOR PRIMETIME: Oh. Right.

{On the racetrack, The Wheelchair takes out a boxing glove and as Sherlock approaches from the side, The Wheelchair punches Sherlock with it, making Sherlock go offscreen.}

READY FOR PRIMETIME: Wow! Another spectacular way to cheat! Way to go, The Wheelchair!

{The Wheelchair goes past a red finish line and slows down. Cut to a regular, non-aerial view. Ready For Primetime runs over to The Wheelchair while holding a microphone.}

READY FOR PRIMETIME: The Wheelchair! How does it feel that you won this generic race!

THE WHEELCHAIR: It feels great! It feels like I can do anything!

READY FOR PRIMETIME: Anything? Even jump off a cliff?

{Cut to The Wheelchair at the edge of a cliff. He rolls off of it. Cut to The Wheelchair at the Happy 354.}

THE WHEELCHAIR: {typing} Well, Salmon, I hope that answers your question sufficiently. Until next time, I'll be playing ping-pong.

{The Paper comes down}

Easter Eggs

• Click on "ping-pong" at the end to see this:

{The Wheelchair and Eh! Steve are standing at opposite ends of a ping-pong table, each holding ping-pong racket. The Wheelchair serves the ball across to Eh! Steve, who hits it back to The Wheelchair, who hits it back to Eh! Steve. The ball bounces on the table, then hits Eh! Steve in the eye. Eh! Steve falls over.}

THE WHEELCHAIR: Score!

Fun Facts

• The BMW Lighter makes an appearance.
• "BAGH! Only 230 meters!" is a reference to Teen Girl Squad Issue 10, where the quote is "BAGH! Only 23 metres!"
• The creepy talking mattress is from wolverines, bears, and coyotes.
• Ping-pong is another name for table tennis.