Other Character Email The Wheelchair/gravy boat

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The Wheelchair Email #37

Contents

Summary

The Wheelchair must play Hotel Mario in order to not board the gravy boat.

Cast (in order of appearance): The Wheelchair, George, guard snails, Homestar Dresser characters, Homsar, Eh! Steve, Bubs

Plot: Framed!

Computer: Ol' Crappy 001

Lines: 121

Page Title: Happy with the...001?

Release Date: August 20, 2008

Transcript

{The Wheelchair is in his jail cell in King Snailbert's dungeon.}

THE WHEELCHAIR: Okay, seriously, I didn't do anything! Why am I in a dungeon?

GEORGE: {offscreen} Hey, I was locked up for a year and a half! You deserve to be in a cage for at least three months!

THE WHEELCHAIR: Well...You deserved it because you're all snotty...at times.

GEORGE: {crawling onscreen} Oh, am I? Well you're always in a wheelchair!...at times.

THE WHEELCHAIR: Okay, seriously, that's chairist! You don't know what we wheelchairs have been through!

GEORGE: No, I don't care. See ya again when you break out! {George begins to leave}

THE WHEELCHAIR: No, wait, stop! {George stops.} I haven't checked my email in over a month, so like...can I check it?

GEORGE: Hmm...let me think...well, if I get to choose the worst email in there for you to check, then sure!

{Cut to a large guard snail unlocking The Wheelchair's cell and delivering an old and crappy computer to him. The snail leaves and locks the cell. Cut to a close-up of the computer screen. The label of the computer at the bottom of the screen says "Ol' Crappy 001". An email is already onscreen.}

Mah Boi!

Dear Ol Crappy Wheelchair,
Have You Played Hotel Mario?

-Inner Bad

THE WHEELCHAIR: {making noises as if typing, but no words appear onscreen} Well, first off, Mah Boi is from a very bad Zelda game called...{stops making typing noises} Wait...this computer can't even type!?

{The camera cuts to a view of The Wheelchair from the outside of the cell, with George looking through the bars.}

GEORGE: No, it can type. I just didn't give you the keyboard.

THE WHEELCHAIR: Wait...then how was I making typing sounds?

GEORGE: Um...I don't have a clue and honesty don't care.

THE WHEELCHAIR: Okay then...well, I guess this ends the email because I've never played Hotel Mario before and I can't play it now. Well, see ya next e...

{Cut to a close-up of George}

GEORGE: Wait...I'm one step ahead of you.

{Cut to a view of The Wheelchair inside his cell. The computer is gone, and in its place is a Phillips CD-I.}

GEORGE: Now, play it or else!

THE WHEELCHAIR: Um...how about {in Hotel Mario's voice} NO. {in normal voice} Uh...what the heck!?

GEORGE: Oh, that happens often when playing bad games. Now play it or {in CD-I Ganon's voice} you must die!

THE WHEELCHAIR: Yeah...that's kind of creepy. And I said no already.

GEORGE: Well if you play that game and beat it, I'll set you free!

THE WHEELCHAIR: Doubt it. But what's the alternative anyway?

GEORGE: Well, anyone of our prisoners deemed unworthy enough will board a gravy boat and sail to a maximum security prison.

THE WHEELCHAIR: Yeah...this is getting weirder and weirder.

GEORGE: Well...sucks for you!

{Cut to The Wheelchair in his dark cell holding a CD-I controller being lit up by a screen which is not visible. Music starts playing and sound effects are heard.}

THE WHEELCHAIR: Um...why am I shutting doors?

{Cut to a black screen saying "Five minutes later"}

THE WHEELCHAIR: {throws the controller} All right, I've had enough. This game's horrible!

GEORGE: {offscreen} No, bad wheelchair! BAD! You have to keep playing!

THE WHEELCHAIR: NO!

GEORGE: Fine. To the gravy boat with you!

THE WHEELCHAIR: Aw, crud.

{Cut to The Wheelchair boarding a 17th century-style boat that has gravy all over the floor. The boat is filled with many Homestar Dresser characters.}

THE WHEELCHAIR: Oh, so that's why they call it a gravy boat! There's an inch of gravy flooding the deck!

{A Homestar Dresser character runs over to The Wheelchair}

HOMESTAR DRESSER CHARACTER: {in a mock-Homestar voice} So, why are you here?

THE WHEELCHAIR: Oh, I refused to play Hotel Mario.

DRESSER CHARACTER: Oh...i broek sum rool or sumthin.

THE WHEELCHAIR: Right. So...do you know who made this boat?

HOMSAR: {offscreen} The gravy boat is about to set sail!

THE WHEELCHAIR: Homsar. Of course.

HOMSAR: I like pencil sandwiches for the winter!

THE WHEELCHAIR: I don't really trust this guy captaining this ship.

DRESSER CHARACTER: No one does.

{Cut to a full view of the ship. Homsar is visible at the bow in front of the captain's wheel.}

HOMSAR: The gravy boat is about to make lunch!

THE WHEELCHAIR: {too small to see} What?

{The gravy boat speeds offscreen extremely quickly. Cut to a windowless prison on a small island. Searchlights and guard towers can be seen on the roof of it. The gravy boat speeds onscreen and comes to a complete stop in less than a second.}

HOMSAR: We've made it to the resort! The gravy god would be proud!

THE WHEELCHAIR: {too small to be seen} Okay, this beats out my grandma cooking innocent children covered in dog sweat as the weirdest thing that's happened to me.

{Cut to The Wheelchair in the prison's courtyard. The Wheelchair and Eh! Steve are visible.}

THE WHEELCHAIR: Hey person I hate, why are you here?

EH! STEVE: I am quite confundled myself. I do not comprehend what the majority of many persons meant when they claimed I was "out of character."

THE WHEELCHAIR: {moving slowly away from Eh! Steve} Right. I'm gonna...go.

{Cut to The Wheelchair waiting in line at a cafeteria. He is holding a lunch tray. Homsar is serving food. The Wheelchair rolls forward to be served and Homsar pours gravy into The Wheelchair's tray.}

THE WHEELCHAIR: Ooh...gravy. {sarcastic} This looks scrumptious.

{The camera zooms out, revealing at least twenty Homsar clones serving food to other prisoners.}

HOMSARS: It's tasty and fresh like macaroni and hot dogs!

THE WHEELCHAIR: I've suddenly lost my appetite. Oh well.

{Cut to The Wheelchair in a cell with three Homestar Dresser characters and Bubs.}

THE WHEELCHAIR: You know, this prison feels a little less maximum security than my last one.

{Bubs walks over to The Wheelchair.}

BUBS: {in a 12-year-old's voice) You got that right! Here, have some cash! {gives The Wheelchair a bag of money}

THE WHEELCHAIR: Wow, you're out of character.

BUBS: You got that right! Have a cookie!

{Cut to nighttime. Bubs and the Homestar Dresser characters are sleeping, but The Wheelchair is awake.}

THE WHEELCHAIR: This...sucks. I should have beat Hotel Mario.

GEORGE: {popping onscreen} Do you still want to?

THE WHEELCHAIR: WAH! Where did you come from? What, do you stalk me or something?

GEORGE: Something like that. Though in all seriousness, I probably would have made you board the gravy boat even if you beat Hotel Mario. It's just too hilarious an opportunity to pass up.

THE WHEELCHAIR: Well you better let me go soon or I'll...

GEORGE: {interrupting} How about if you beat every single CD-I game I'll let you go?

THE WHEELCHAIR: No! I'll just break out!

GEORGE: Right, that's possible. The only way you're getting out is either if that albino cheat you kidnapped talks and says you were framed or if you have the best lawyer in the world, and neither of those will ever happen. But, just to tempt your idiosy, here's a shotgun and the key to your cell {George takes out a shotgun and a key from hammerspace} Good luck!

THE WHEELCHAIR: {zoomed in shot} {picking up key and shotgun} And what, you'll just stalk me from the sky?

{The camera zooms out again to show George is gone.}

GEORGE: {offscreen} {echoing} Pretty much.

{The Wheelchair uses the key George gave him to unlock his cell. He exits it and an alarm begins to sound and the screen flashes red.}

ELECTRONIC VOICE: Weight sensor error. Alarm activated. Thirty seconds until hallway explosion.

THE WHEELCHAIR: Crippity crud. {The Wheelchair rolls offscreen quickly.}

{Cut to The Wheelchair rolling around a corner. A second later, the hallway The Wheelchair just left explodes. Cut to The Wheelchair going down another hallway. After a few seconds of rolling down it, The Wheelchair bumps into a snail guard. He begins to slowly back away from it.}

THE WHEELCHAIR: {pointing shotgun at guard} You see this shotgun? I'll shoot!

SNAIL GUARD: Right...George told us you rather play CD-I games than shoot someone.

THE WHEELCHAIR: Oh yeah? He's wrong!

{A loud bang is heard as The Wheelchair fires the shotgun, but instead of a bullet coming out of it, a small flag (attached to the shotgun) comes out instead. The camera zooms in on it, and it says "What, you thought I'd give you a real shotgun?". The camera zooms out.}

THE WHEELCHAIR: Oh...it was fake. Heh heh.

{The Wheelchair tosses the shotgun as he backs into another snail guard.}

SNAIL GUARD: Hey, look, you're trapped.

THE WHEELCHAIR: Darn the second dimension!

{Cut to The Wheelchair being thrown into what is the charred remains of his cell. Three Homestar skeletons and one Bubs skeleton are in the room.}

THE WHEELCHAIR: Whoa! THAT'S what that explosion did? Holy crow! I must've killed at least one hundred characters because I tried to escape!

GEORGE: {popping onscreen} Well, just remember: They're not real so they don't have a soul.

THE WHEELCHAIR: Oh yeah, you're right. Well, sucks for them.

{The Paper comes down}

Easter Eggs

  • Click on Mah Boi! in the subject bar to see a "The Wheelchair holding a CD-I controller" T-shirt.
  • Click on George at the end to see what happened to the characters in The Wheelchair's cell:

{The Homestar Dresser characters and Bubs are sitting in their cells as the alarm sounds.}

BUBS: Into the suits?

DRESSER CHARACTERS: Into the suits.

{All four characters pull up a zipper which turns their body into a skeleton. A second later, there is an explosion.}

  • Click on The Wheelchair at the end to hear Luigi say "Spaghetti".

Fun Facts

  • The gravy boat is a reference to the GLORIOUS GRAVY BOAT of the GLORIOUS PURGE OF 2008.
    • In the purge, however, the gravy boat carried over good fanstuff, not bad.
  • Homestar Dresser is a fan-made game involving the dressing up of Homestar (obviously). Many Homestar Dresser characters are the main characters in Fake Character Emails, which many are being deleted in the purge, which is why so many are on the gravy boat.
  • The CD-I is a bad game console while Hotel Mario is the result of a stupid deal between Nintendo and Philips.
    • The CD-I games are often used as clips in YouTube poops (random mish-mashes of nonsense on YouTube). The characters say a few quotes from YouTube poops in this video.
  • George saying he was locked up in a cage for a year and a half is a reference to how Mr. E locked him up for that long in real time. He was finally released in year and a half.
  • George saying "I'm one step ahead of you" is a reference to one step ahead.


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