Other Character Email Jaro/video games

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Contents

Summary

Jaro discusses various video games.

Lines: 91

Cast:Jaro, various people, Brittany Spears, Chorch, Grundy, Poopsmith


Transcript

JARO: Hello every people. I’m sorry to say that Chorch, Grundy and Poopsmith will not be featured in today’s email, as they have been given the day off. So… {sits down at Lappit.}

JARO: {sining} My name is not Email Sam, ooh ahh. So please don't call me Email Sam, ooh ahh. And if you call me Email Sam, ooh ahh. I'll hit you with an Email Sam, ooh ahh. {Presses a button making an email come onscreen.}

subject:game

dear jaro
i think you are awesome. why don't you have your own game?
do you want me to make your own game?

with cheese,
mister uncapitalizer

JARO: I don’t need you to make me a game, when I have the power for my imagination! Let’s see… Well, it would depend on what game we’re talking about. First, there’s the Classic Atari.

{Cut to a black screen on some old 1980’s tv. Everything Jaro says is a voiceover.}

JARO: Back then, people didn’t have the money, or the resources, or the attention spans to make good games, so we ended up getting a piece of crap. Somehow, people thought this was fun. Anyway, first, I’d be there {A gray line appears.} in some kind of fortress thing. {Two green walls appear next to “Jaro”.} There’d probably be some enemies there, {Two yellow blocks appear, and move very slowly around “Jaro”.} but I’d defeat them with my super-beam! {“Jaro” shoots a red dot, destroying both yellow blocks, even though they were no where near his attack.} You’d do this for a couple hours, until you got to…The Boss!! {A large, blue, Atari Dragon appears and chases “Jaro” all over the screen.} The music would speed up, from four boops per minute, to 20 beeps per minute, and you fire, and run and fire and run, until the boss suddenly dies. {The Atari Dragon falls over. Text appears saying “You win!”. Cut back to the Lappit.}

JARO: As you can see, that technology sucked, so my game wouldn’t be worthy enough to be played on it, so lets move to the “Side Scroller”!

{Cut to a different TV, similar to the one in Space Program.}

JARO: Here, I’d look a lot better, {A Jaro that looks almost like the real one bounces onscreen.} Now, since these things always seem to be made in Japan, there’d be the manditory bad-translating and annoying cutscenes.

{Cut to a screenshot of the game. Some scientist is working on a Jaro. Another scientist walks up to him.}

SCIENTIST 2: {subtitled} What doing are yuou?

SCIENTIST 1: {subtitled} I buildig best robto ever! I skwill nsame him JARO!

SCIENTIST 2: {subtitled} MWA HA HA ha! fOOl! Robots casn’t be real!!

SCIENTIST: {subtitled} I’ll show youi1

{Suddenly Jaro awakens.}

JARO: {subtitled} Hellote.

SCIENTIST 1: {subtitled} Its alivve!

SCIENTIST 2: {subtitled} I’m evil now.

SCIENTIST 1: {subtitled} NOOOOOOOOOOooo0000!

{Suddenly it cuts to Jaro in some arrena, bouncing as the background moves with him.}

JARO: {voiceover} Here, there’d be actual obsticles, like pits, and enemies, and Brittany Spears. {Jaro jumps over a large pit, hops on a small mushroom, and a large Brittany Spears head leans onscreen with a talk balloon reading “I will eat your soul!”. Jaro shoots it.} And of course, there’d be the level boss. {A fox with a cap reading “Rd sx” starts shooting at Jaro. He dies in a couple of hits.} Yep, these are pretty cool, but they’re nothing compared to the next genre. PS2, baby.

{Cut to a PS2 plugged into a TV.}

JARO: I know you were probably expecting a Game Cube, but I think PS2 is better. Anyway, as tradition, I’d have to be a human.

{A large, gray, Megaman X recolor leans onscreen.}

JARO: Yeah. The object of this game, is to, like all games of the last ten years, collect coins, which somehow defeats the bad guy.

{“Jaro” runs around, collects three coins, and the boss falls dead. A message appears with “U win!”.}

JARO: The graphics are the only thing that keeps you coming back to play again, which is like going into your glove compartment every day to see if there’s anything new in there. But the best game of all, would be…

{Cut to a large virtual simulator helmet}

JARO: THE VIRTUAL REALITY HELMET! These babies rock. It gives you the full experience of doing life-threatining stunts without actually dying.

{Cut to Jaro wearing the helmet in a room full of breakable objects.}

JARO: The only problem is that you have no sense of the world around you, and you’d be repeatedly be bumping into things.

{Jaro bounces around the room, knocking every single item over.}

JARO: And there’s also the small chance that’d you’d never want to come out…

{Cut to Jaro being massaged by two identical hot girls.}

JARO: Ah… this is the life. {Holds up a glass of oil, with a lot of little umbrellas.} I need more umbrellas, ladies.

HOT GIRL 1: Okay Mr. Rich. {Leans over, dumping four umbrellas into Jaros drink.}

JARO: {voiceover} Wait, that’s not a game! That’s my ultimate fantisy! My game would feature me {Jaro appears in a field}, severely injuring everything that comes in contact with me. {Tampo floats up, and Jaro throws a chair at him, making him fall to the ground. Cut back to the Lappit.}

JARO: {typing} You might debate on the wrong-doings of kiling random bystandards, but that’s the way all video games work! Besides, they always seem to come back to life two seconds later. {A message flashes reading “Jaro is not in favor of random killings, but it sure makes a good game. Clears screen.}

JARO: But I’m no programmer, and the last time I had someone else design my own game, I got ripped off. You may know this game better as…

{Cut to a box of Stinkoman 20X6.}

JARO: STINKOMAN 20X6! Yeah, we had some big plans on this game, but….

{Cut to Videlectrix Headquarters.}

PROGRAMMER: Just sign your name on this perfectly not-a-scam contract, and we’ll begin making your multi-million dollar game!

JARO: You sound dis-trusting and cunning, and you really need a shave.

PROGRAMMER: We have lemon cookies.

JARO: I’m so signing!

JARO: {voiceover} But it turned out to be a scam. They made Stinkoman the star, me the enemy, and I couldn’t eat their cookies. And that guy never did buy a good razor.

{Cut back to the computer.}

JARO: Well Mr. Uncapitalizer, there you go. Just a breif summary on how cool I am. I-

GRUNDY: {offscreen} Hey, there he is!

CHORCH: {offscreen} Let’s get him!

JARO: Eep! Gotta go! {hops away.}

{Chorch and Grundy come onscreen. Grundy’s feet and Chorches hands are tied together, and The Poopsmith has his mouth taped, and hands tied.}

CHORCH: Aw crap, he already did the email.

GRUNDY: He’s always been a spot-light grabber, it’s just how he is.

POOPSMITH: MFF!

GRUNDY: It sure is.

{The walk/crawl offscreen.}

Click here to email Jaro.

Easter Eggs

  • Wait ten seconds for a bonus scene.

{Jaro leans onscreen.}

JARO: I think the coast is clear.

GRUNDY: {offscreen} There he is!

JARO: Uh-oh! {leans offscreen. Cut back to the Lappit.}

  • Click on "Jaro" to see more of Jaro's fantasy.

{Cut to Jaro in his dream world. His drink is overflowing with umbrellas.}

JARO: You call this enough umbrellas? TRY AGAIN!

{One of the girls backs a truck labeled "Umbrellas" to Jaro.}

JARO: YES!

Fun Facts

  • Who needs Fun Facts?
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