Other Character Email Jaro/pirate virus

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Contents

Summary

‘’’Jaro Email #25 Pirate Virus’’’

Two figures plan, and Jaro goes on a rampage.

Cast: Dark Greggo, Green Beard, Jaro, Chorch, Grundy, Stinkoman, 1-Up, Pan-Pan, A Greggo, a Browntant, Saargtsson, A Poorbt, Tampo, Stlunko

Lines: 301

Transcript

Part One

{Fade in to a lone ship, floating on the open sea. A small, dark spaceship has docked on the roof. The camera pans down to show the underside of the ship, which is made entirely out of glass. The camera then moves under the glass, and slides through it, showing a room, with a large desk, and two figures sitting at opposite sides.}

FIGURE ONE: So, nice ship you have here.

FIGURE TWO: Aye, cut the chit-chat, mate. I’m here about your proposition.

FIGURE ONE: Patience, friend. You will get what you desire. We both will.

FIGURE TWO: Arr, you are correct. Now, continue explaining

FIGURE ONE: Ah, yes. It’s fairly simple, actually. There are three of them.

FIGURE TWO: Three’s the magic number, aye? {chuckles}

FIGURE ONE: …right. Anywho, this file here contains all the information you need. {Hands Figure 2 a file.}

FIGURE TWO: {reads file} Aye, so two of them be robots?

FIGURE ONE: Yes. They’ll be the easiest to destroy, as they have no free will. The chicken, however…

FIGURE TWO: But, aren’t you a robo, too?

FIGURE ONE: SILENCE! I WAS a robot! Now, I’m much much more. If you ever, say that again…

FIGURE TWO: Okay… Ah, I’m already planning a way to destroy the bouncy one.

FIGURE ONE: Yes. He is the one I really want dead. How do you plan on destroying him?

FIGURE TWO: I’m actually taking it to a new level. How would you like your worst enemy, to be your mindless slave?

FIGURE ONE: {pause} What are you suggesting?

FIGURE TWO: Arr, first take a look at my resume. {hands Figure One a paper.}

FIGURE ONE: {reads} You programmed Spywear?

FIGURE TWO: You betcha. I was one of the most dastardly, evil programmers at Microsoft.

FIGURE ONE: Are you saying, that…?

FIGURE TWO: Correct. If he loves to check email, sending him a virus wouldn’t work with a normal programmer. But I can disguise it perfectly, so his computer won’t just not detect it, but it will also open it once he turns on the computer.

FIGURE ONE: Wait, how will you get him to download it into himself, smart guy?

FIGURE TWO: {steps out of shadows, revealing he is a pirate} Leave that to me…

{Fade out to the blue sky. In read text, the following words appear:}

JARO EMAIL: 25 The Pirate Virus

{Fade into the Z-Pirate Ship. Jaro is lying on the couch, slumped over.}

JARO: Garble…

{Chorch floats over.}

CHORCH: Jaro, wake up. It’s time to checka an email.

JARO: Too tired. Go way.

CHORCH: Robots don’t get tired. C’mon!

JARO: But I’m tired of answering emails all over and over! It’s the same thing each time!

{Ding Dong!}

JARO: Hey! Mail!

{The bounce/float to the front door, where Grundy drags in a package.}

GRUNDY: It’s for you, Jaro!

JARO: Me? I haven’t ordered anything. {Opens package, and pulls out a card. He then reads it.} Dear Mr. Jaro. We have seen your email show, and we have thought it needed sprucing up. So, we’ve sent you the virtual email checker. From. {stops reading} And there’s no name. Oh well.

{Chorch pulls an extension cord and a helmet out of the box.}

CHORCH: Seems harmless.

JARO: Yes! No more answering emails, boringly! Let’s go!!!

{After a pause, Jaro bounces over to the computer room. He plugs in the helmet to the Lappit, and puts on the helmet.}

CHORCH: Lappit: Activate!

{The Lappit’s screen turns on, and an email pops up.}

JARO: Why’d an email come up?

CHORCH: Probably a side-effect from the helmet.

Subject:JARO?!?/1?

What was life like as a small Jaro, Jaro?

What was it like?

Not wanting to kill you,
Count X

{The Lappit starts shaking and sputtering.}

JARO: …what the?

{Suddenly, an electrical current flows through the wire and into Jaro’s helmet, shocking him.}

JARO: GAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!

{The electric current turns green, and Jaro screams even louder.}

CHORCH: Grundy, unplug him!

GRUNDY: I’m on it!

{Grundy runs over to the computer and unplugs the helmet. Jaro then falls over as the current stops.}

JARO: Gah…

GRUNDY: You okay?

{Jaro is turned around and does not speak.}

CHORCH: Jaro?

{Jaro’s top section turns around to face the others. His eyes are angry, and glowing redder than normal.}

GRUNDY: …jaro?

{Jaro then grabs a nearby radio and starts tearing it apart.}

CHORCH: Hey, man! That’s mine!

{Before long, Jaro has converted Chorch’s radio into a giant pair of legs. He then grabs a TV and starts working on it.}

GRUNDY: What’s wrong with him?

CHORCH: I haven’t a clue.

{Now, Jaro is on the pair of legs, and has two mechanical arms. He is now five times his original size.}

GRUNDY: {scared} Jaro?

{Two missile launchers come out of Jaro’s new arms, fully loaded.}

JARO: Destroy….

CHORCH: Meep.

Intermission

{Cut to some weird person standing in front of a purple background.}

VOICE: HEY YOU!!!!!!!!

GUY: What?

VOICE: Do you want to go to the friggen Taco Town?!?!?!??!

GUY: No thanks.

{Three tacos fly into the guy’s mouth, with arrow launching sounds.}

GUY: ARHG! So Freaking Good!!!{falls down and starts foaming at the mouth.}

{Seizure inducing flashes of Tacos appear for five seconds.}

VOICE: BUY

Part Two

{Fade back to Grundy and Chorch staring at the enlarged Jaro. Nothing is happening.}

GRUNDY: {whispering to Chorch.} So, is he gonna do anything soon? I mean, we’ve been standing here for like, seven minutes. I mean, I’ve heard of stalling for dramatic tension, but this is weird.

CHORCH: {whispering to Grundy} Hey, by lucky he hasn’t fired those lasers yet. We just have to back away slowly. No sudden movements…

{The Poopsmith rushes in.}

POOPSMITH: Hey guys, how do you reattach a sink to the—What the? Hey, Jaro, you old cup!

{Jaro then gets angrier. His missiles multiply, and soon, he has over thirty ready-to-launch missiles.}

POOPSMITH: Eep.

GRUNDY: Duck and cover!!

{Jaro shoots all of his missiles at once, and each go in a random direction. Chorch, Grundy, and Poopsmith jump out of the way. Random destruction takes place. Jaro then does a scan.}

JARO: Life forms: Perished.

{Jaro’s legs then shoot flames out of the bottoms and he flies through the roof. Chorch, Grundy and Poopsmith then crawl out from the rubble.}

POOPSMITH: Well, SOMEONE’s cranky!

{Chorch and Grundy glare at Poopsmith.}

POOPSMITH: Ya know, cause…he shot missiles…ya know…I’ll be quiet…

GRUNDY: So, why did Jaro…be evil?

CHORCH: It must have been a virus from that email.

GRUNDY: What do we do?!

CHORCH: We have no choice but to go after him and try to cure him.

{Chorch and Grundy run/fly off. The Poopsmith stand alone.}

POOPSMITH: A familiar sadness settles in…

{Cut to Stinkoman at his Stinko-desk. On the desk sits a bowl of Chicken soup.}

STINKOMAN: Ah…fresh chicken soup…with an dumpling of course!

{A distant rumble causes the soup to shake. Stinkoman watches.}

STINKOMAN: Is this some sort of Jurassic Park Parody CHALLENGE!!!

{Stinkoman glances out the window to see Jaro stomping through the city.}

STINKOMAN: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!?!??!? {powers up} DOUBLEEE DEUUUUUUUUUCE!!!

{Stinkoman shoots through the window with his Double Deuce, and hovers near Jaro.}

STIKOMAN: Correct me if I’m wrong, but ARE-YOU-ASKING-FOR-A-SPILLING-MY-SOUP-CHALLENGE!!!??!?!?!??!?!?

JARO: Yes.

STINKOMAN: QUATRIPPLE DEUCE!!!

{Stinkoman charges blindly at Jaro, but Jaro shoot several lasers at him, charring him black and sending him down.}

STINKOMAN: {weakly} Cough…good attack…

{1-Up and Pan-Pan walk outside, each holding a bowl of pudding.}

1-UP: Hey, Stinkoman! You look hurt!

{Jaro swats the pudding out of their hands.}

1-UP: WAH! My pudding! Well, at least I have a big supply inside—

{Jaro shoots a large beam of energy at the house, causing a big box labeled “Puudu”, to go up in flames.}

{1-Up goes into an action pose, where he is screaming. It is subtitled like in Stinkoman 20X6.}

1-UP: {subtitled} WHAT??!!??!!?

{Cut back to reality.}

1-UP: This…this…is the worst day ever…{falls over, X’s in his eyes.}

{Cut to a Greggo and a Browntant in a field.}

GREGGO: So, I says to Mable, I says I says, “Mable. Rhymes with Maple.”

BROWNTANT: I hears ya.

GREGGO: Yup.

BROWNTANT: Yup.

GREGGO: {pause} Yup.

{Jaro’s giant foot slams down beside the two, and continues his walk.}

GREGGO: Why I haven’t seen such carnage, since 19X3.

BROWNTANT: 19X2.

GREGGO: Yup.

{Cut to Saargtsson’s Lava Zone. Saargtsson is sitting near a Poorbt.}

SAARGTSSON: Sssso…how’ssss your wife?

POORBT: Dead. Same as last week.

SAARGTSSON: Ah, I remember Lucy. Grinded her bonessss to make sssssome bread.

POORBT: {sheds a tear} Well, you can’t live in the past.

{Jaro crashes through the wall of the lava zone, and spins Saargtsson around by his tail. Then he throws him at the Poorbt, who falls in the lava.}

SAARGTSSON: WooaAAaaAAaaAAaaOOooOOooH!

{Jaro then speeds off. Cut to Chorch and Grundy rushing through the city.}

GRUNDY: So, why are we going to see Tampo again?

CHORCH: Because when I scanned the Lappit, the virus Jaro got was shown to be programmed to obey someone. Pulling the plug somehow messed up the programming, and caused the virus to enter his memory banks. That’s why he tried to kill us!

GRUNDY: So, he’s going to destroy everything he remembers?

CHORCH: Exactly. And since Tampo was the original programmer, we should go to him to find out how to fix Jaro.

GRUNDY: Hey, what’s that?

{An angry mob comes over the horizon, consisting of everyone Jaro hurt.}

CHORCH: Hey, what are you guys doing?

STINKOMAN: Jair-Oh beat me in a challenge! ME!!

1-UP: He burned up my PUDDU!

SAARGTSSON: He ssswatted me, and broke through my wall!

POORBT: {pointing to Saargtsson}He killed my wife! Oh, and Jaro did some stuff.

GRUNDY: It’s not our fault! He’s got some sort of Virus!

CHORCH: Don’t worry, though! We’re going to see Tampo to see if he can fix this mess!

SAARGTSSON: And if he can’t?

CHORCH: We’re doomed. {Scary music.} SHUT UP!

Commercial

{A girl and a guy are sitting at a table in a restaurant.}

GUY: I’m just gonna come out and say it. Will you marry me?

GIRL: I…I…{a man delivers a bottle of root beer to the table.} ROOT BEER! I love this! Man, this is great!

GUY: But—

GIRL: YUM YUM YUM!!!

GUY: Igle—

GIRL: See ya!

GUY: Guh..

ANNOUNCER: Root Beer. Yeah, it’s that good. BUY!

Part Three

{Cut to Tampo and Stlunko in some room.}

TAMPO: Guh?

STLUNKO: Buh.

TAMPO: Fuh…

{Chorch and Grundy slam through a window. They land near the two, and Stlunko’s hands block the glass from hitting himself and Tampo.}

TAMPO: What’s the meaning of this?!

GRUNDY: Tampo! We need to see your orginal blueprints for J4R0!

TAMPO: Blueprints? What blueprints?

STLUNKO: {to Grundy and Chorch} Follow me.

{Stlunko speeds off, with Chorch and Grundy follow.}

STLUNKO: I keep a file cabinet of the minion blueprints. I always knew they would come in handy.

{They come to a door labeled “Minion Blueprants”. They go inside and Stlunko opens a cabinet that reads “J420 Blueprints”.}

STLUNKO: What do you need to know?

GRUNDY: Anything that involves destroying viruses, or—

STLUNKO: Say no more. {opens a file}Jaro was built with a special Virus blocker that could destroy the toughest reprogramming.

CHORCH: Cool. How is it activated?

STLUNKO: That is the problem. So it could not be destroyed, I had it installed inside him.

CHORCH: D’oh.

{Cut to Jaro causing carnage throughout Challenge City.}

JARO: All die.

{Pan down to Chorch and Grundy running towards Jaro.}

CHORCH: We can crawl in through the battery outlet in the leg.

{The two use their combined Strength to open a section in Jaro’s leg, and he doesn’t notice. Cut to the inside, which consists of wires and and gears.}

GRUNDY: He’s grown.

CHORCH: {pulls out a walkie-talkie} Alright Stlunko, which way is the Virus thingy?

STLUNKO: {from Walkie-Talkie} Near the visor area.

{The two climb up a ladder, and continue up as Stlunko talks.}

STLUNKO: You must get out of there quick. He will shrink rapidly.

CHORCH: Turn on virus blocker, get out quick. Got it.

GRUNDY: That sounds too easy, even for our show.

CHORCH: That’s what I thought.

STLUNKO: As did I.

{Cut to NachoMan at his computer.}

NACHOMAN: Jerks. I think I'll kill one of them off...

STRONG BAD: {offscreen} Forbode...

{Cut back to Chorch and Grundy.}

{Chorch and Grundy reach a hugegantic battery with a lever, in front of a giant visor.}

CHORCH: Well, here goes nothing: {pulls lever}

{Cut to a montage, with Strong Bad’s techno song playing. It consists of blue energy coursing through many wires in Jaro’s body. It eventually reaches a huge Piggy Bank, labeled Memory Bank. Cut back to the area where Chorch and Grundy are. The area starts to shake.}

GRUNDY: He’s shrinking!

CHORCH: Jump!

{They turn to a hole labeled “Escape Hole”. They jump through it, and end up outside. Jaro shrinks in the background, and is now back to normal size.}

JARO: {arms and legs fall off} Ugg…what happened?

{A clockwise spin circles the screen and the words “10 Minutes Later” appear.}

GRUNDY: And that’s what happened.

JARO: Makes sense.

1-UP: {runs up} Hey juys! Look at all my baked pudding!!

GRUNDY: Yay! {runs off}

JARO: Well, everything’s back to normal. Or, at least at how normal things get.

CHORCH: Yeah. But I can’t help but wonder who programmed the virus…

{Fade into the opened package in Jaro’s ship. It reads “From Dark Greggo, 12346 Evil Lane, NJ. Fade back to the ship from the beginning. Dark Greggo and the pirate are standing in the same room.}

DARK GREGGO: Green Beard, not only do you not take into consideration the Virus-Blocker, but you use MY return address on the package!!

GREEN BEARD: Well, mate. You never said I couldn’t.

DARK GREGGO: That’s it! The deal’s off!

GREEN BEARD: Give me the map!

DARK GREGGO: Not after that display! I’ll find the treasure myself!

{Green Beard jumps at Dark Greggo, but he moves out of the way in time.}

DARK GREGGO: So it’s a fight you want, eh?

{Green Beard gets up and pulls out a green light saber. DG then pulls out a red one, and the fight starts. First, DG lunges at GB, and their sabers clash. Green Beard then slashes the saber out of Dark Greggo’s “hand”.}

DARK GREGGO: Hmm...impressive...

{Dark Greggo shoots a net out from his head, and it pins the saber out of GB’s hand. They both then charge to each other. GB punches Dark Greggo in the mouth, and DG fires some missles, which GB dodges. One turns around, and hits Green Beard in the back. He falls, and Dark Greggo puts his foot on his head.}

DARK GREGGO: Now, to finish this.

GREEN BEARD: Wait! WAIT! Give an old pirate another chance! I need that treasure! I’ve got a wife, and two kids!

{Green Beard holds up a photo of his family, which has him, a wife, and two kids, each with a green beard.}

DARK GREGGO: Well…good minions are hard to come by…

{Muffin Man leans in through a hole in the wall.}

MUFFIN MAN: Hey Walk! I spray painted all over your ship! Vwoot!

DARK GREGGO: If they aren’t dead by the end of the week, I’ll end you.

GREEN BEARD: You can prepare to give me the map. They’ll die. Slowly and painfully…

{Cut to Dark Greggo’s spray painted ship. The spray paint reads: Click here to email Jaro.}

Easter Eggs

  • Dark Greggo’s ship has a small fin on the side. Click on it to see an additional scene.

{Stinkoman is covered in the baked pudding.}

STINKOMAN: Baked Pudding?!? What, am I British!?!?

BRITISH GUY: {offscreen} I say!

Fun Facts

  • Spywear is an infamous computer virus thingy. If not, so sue me.
  • Stinkoman is referring to the famous Jurassic Park reference, where some liquid vibrates indicating a large thing is coming.
  • Puddu is a snack made by Dennis
  • The root beer commercial is a reference to those commercials where the people are WAY to happy about a food product.
  • Strong Bad's "Forbode" is a reference to TGS 11.
  • ”Vwoot” is a popular saying from Wubby of Universal Voyage.
  • The Easter Egg is a reference to Bob and George.
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