Other Character Email Jaro/five emails

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Contents

Summary

Jaro celebrates his 24th email by checking 5 emails.

Cast: Grundy, Chorch, Jaro, Poopsmith, NachoMan

Lines: 94

Transcript

{Fade in to some clouds. The words “Jaro Emails” appear in yellow text.}

CHORUS: Jaro Emails…

{A tune plays. The camera zooms in to Grundy writing “I will not deep-fry others” on a blackboard, seen through a window at a school. The bell rings, and he hops on a skate-board and skates out the door. Cut to Chorch as the tune continues. He is at a grocery store, reading a magazine as his items are put on the conveyer belt. He takes his basket and walks off. Then cut to Jaro practicing music. He is thrown out for playing Death Metal on a saxaphone somehow. Cut to a couch, where all three sit down at and watch TV. When they sit, an explosion fills the screen, and when it clears, there is a smoldering crater where the couch was. Cut to the TV, where it reads “ALL HAIL NACHOMAN!!1” Cut to the Lappit}

JARO: {to audience} Yo yo, viewers. Today, we are celebrating our 24th email.

CHORCH: Trust us, it’ll catch on.

GRUNDY: Email One!!

Dear Jaro and the Other Guys,

Have you ever thought who will take
your place when you retire?

Your friend,
Jeffrey Desterhoft

JARO: Good question, Brian. I never really planned on retiring, but I suppose we can’t do these emails forever. Like, no one wants a crust old guy checking emails, do they?

GRUNDY: Yeech.

JARO: Which is exactly why I’ve lined up a few questions for a successor.

{Cut to Jaro and The Poopsmith standing on the deck of the ship.}

JARO: All rightio, Poopsmith. I’m going to ask a few logic questions, and you answer.

POOPSMITH: Got it!

JARO: Question One: Mr. and Mrs. Smith have five children, and half are boys. How is this?

POOPSMITH: Because the other half are boys too!

JARO: Yes! Question Two: Why is a manhole cover round? Give two answers.

POOPSMITH: Ooh, I got this one before! One: Because it’s the only shape that can be turned while it is blocking the hole, and because it can be rolled this way.

JARO: Nice. Next Question: Next number in the pattern: ten, four, three, eleven, fifteen…?

POOPSMITH: Er…quelve?

JARO: WRONG! It’s the punishment chaimber for you!

{A chage falls over The Poopsmith, leaving him imprisoned.}

POOPSMITH: Darn.

{Cut back to the Computer Room.}

JARO: {typing} Well, I guess I’ll have to keep checking these emails forever. I guess it couldn’t be too bad. Email Two!

Subject:Inspiration

Dear Jaro, (who I will call a grey dragon)
Where do you get insparation?
Email shows? Wiki users email shows?
WHERE?
Not a purple dragon, Spyro

JARO: Hmm…I’m not exactly sure how to answer this…

GRUNDY: Nope.

CHORCH: Stumpped.

{Cut to NachoMan at his computer.}

NACHOMAN: I can answer this! It all starts when I awaken from my dark slumbber.

{Cut to NachoMan coming from a very messy room. A pair of underwears hang from the door-knob. He walks to his computer room. He has no armor on, and wears a t-shirt and a pair of gym shorts. His eyes are sleepy and little dots are around his head. He sits at the computer and opens a few windows.}

NACHOMAN: Bob and George…8Bit…Smackjeeves……{types something}..forums..homestar…Oh, an email!

{Cut to an X-ray in NachoMan’s head. Dusty gears begin turning.}

NACHOMAN: Eureka!

{Cut back to Jaro’s computer room.}

JARO: Oh well, I guess we’ll never know. Next email!

Subject:Jujubes

Dear sirs,
Where did you hide the jujubes?
No, you don't have to go there,
I just want to know so I can find
them. And if it's a trap, I'm not
coming.
-Gwen

JARO: {typing} Gwen? That name always confuses me. How am I supposed to tell if you’re a boy or girl with “Gwen!?” Anyway, Gwen, what’s a jujube? Is it some sort of car part? Or type of elephant?

CHORCH: I believe it’s a type of candy.

JARO: Eh? Well, anyway, I can’t have you pestering me with your questions of candyness.

{pan over to Grundy. His mouth is full of something.}

JARO: Grundy, what’s in you’re mouth.

GRUNDY: {muffled words}

CHORCH: Grundy…

{Grundy sticks his tounge out, revealing a bag labeled “Jujubes!”}

JARO: Jujubes!

CHORCH: You’re the culprit!

GRUNDY: Can you blame me? They’re so delicious! {pops a few in his mouth}

{Jaro grabs the bag, and throws it out the window.}

GRUNDY: Your heart is a cold and black.

JARO: Whatev. NEXT EMAIL! {slams keyboard, bringing up an email}

Subject:Master Hand

Greetings Jaro and Allies,
I am the Master Hand. I will host a
battle at the Final Destination on June
12th to see who is most worthy of being
My rival. You shall each fight in matches
there. Whoever wins shall fight me.
Good luck,
-Master Hand

GRUNDY: Oh crap! June 12! We’re months late! Now who will be our rival!?!?

CHORCH: Dark Greggo? Muffin Man?

JARO: That Guy?Tampo? Li—

GRUNDY: Quiet, I’m on a role. When I was young, when we wanted to be someones rival, we’d throw a baseball at their head. And in my day, we called baseball stickball, mostly because we didn’t have bats. Not that I played baseball, because in those days, I was busy milking cows…

{fade in, which seems like hours later.}

GRUNDY: …making us have to sell the farm.

{Jaro and Chorch are slumped over.}

GRUNDY: What?

JARO: My life has been bored out of…life.

GRUNDY: Email five?

JARO: What?! Email five already? What’s with these people and their emails! Their either unanswerable questions, or just crap!

CHORCH: The first two—

JARO: Too busy to listen. Now, lets cross our fingers in hope that this last email will be good.

{Chorch crossess his fingers, while Grundy just stares at his armless body.}

JARO: Email Five!

Jato,
Are you a Hulkamaniac? I can't get enough of the Huilkster!! When it comes crashing down and it hurts inside, brother! My question is, WHATCHA GONNA DO, brother, when these 20-inch pythons and Hulkamania run wild on YOU?

Hulkamaniac

P. S. BROTHER!!!!

JARO: Darn it! What is this??!? Is this about The Hulk, or snake on a plane? Maybe siblings? I just can’t tell!

CHORCH: Maybe it’s some sort of curse.

GRUNDY: Curse? Proposterous! Nothing bad ever happens to us!

CHORCH: Do you think before you speak?

GRUNDY: No sir!

JARO: Well viewers, untill next time, send me some crap, and I’ll make fun of your name.

GRUNDY: Nothing bad ever happens.

CHORCH: Can you hear me?

{The words “Click here to email Jaro appear on the Lappit.}

{20 seconds later, the screen fades to a pirate ship, much larger than the Z-ship. It’s sail is green and has a black skull and crossbones. A large gray space ship docks on it. The following words appear}

DUN DUN DUN!!!

{Fade back to the Lappit.}

Easter Eggs

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