Other Character Email Tampo/Fan Emails/Snailmail

From Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki

Not Quite So Tampo Email #3: "Snailmail"

Summary: As the boss trio is still residing in Saargtsson's lair, the SaargtScreen isn't working, and Dennis sends them a letter.

Author: Dennis Dunjinman

Cast (in order of appearance): Dennis, Amy, Overseeing Frotzer, Brody, Stlunko, Tampo, Saargtsson, Homestar Runner, Strong Bad, Strong Sad, Homsar, Wok Sushi, Gaspeau, SWAT Robot, Poorbt

Places: Dennis's Computer Room, Lava Zone, A Field, Wok's House, The Boss Trio's Dormitory, A Forest, Saargtsson's Inner Sanctum, The Moon

Length: 202 Lines

Date: September 26, 2005

Transcript

{Dennis is in his computer room, writing a letter. He puts a $20 bill inside, and puts a stamp of a Disasteroid on it. As we zoom in on the letter, we see it's addressed to Tampo.}

DENNIS: Okay, I've finished the letter, now how do I send this to J05H-ooa from here in M1CH-elly?

{Amy knocks on the door.}

AMY: Dennis! Mom wants you to clean out the gutters.

DENNIS: Come on in, Amy. I'll get right on to the roof to clean the gutters, but first I want to send this letter to Tampo in the J05H-ooa universe.

AMY: Well, I do know a way to get that letter to J05H-ooa. I'll help you.

{Amy walks away with the letter. Fade to the Lava Zone. Tampo, Brody and Stlunko are cleaning the gutters in the lava zone roof. An overseer Frotzer wearing a red hat is watching them.}

FROTZER: That's right, clean out those gutters! Make sure you get the rocks out, they get annoying. And drain all the excess water, we don't want mosquitoes.

{As the frotzer blabbers on, we see Brody scraping the gutters with his wings.}

BRODY: I can’t believe we have to do these chores.

STLUNKO: Just keep going. I am sure we will only need to do work until we get our Lunar Warehouse back from the Boss Trio Reloaded.

BRODY: Yeah, I'd like to keep our rent for Saargtsson as much as anyone, but I'm still a little tired from all these chores.

TAMPO: Just be happy you have arms. I have to get it out with laserballs.

FROTZER: No talking! Get back to the gutters!

{Soon Saargtsson slithers in to check up on the boss trio.}

SAARGTSSON: Hello, lossserssssss. I ssssssee you have been hard at work.

TAMPO: We always give our thanks for our landlord. {mumbling under his breath} Even is he's incredibly cruel.

SAARGTSSON: What wassssss that?

STLUNKO: Nothing, we will just get to the next task.

SAARGTSSON: Actually, I've been meaning to mention that I've run out of chores ffffffor you to ssslave away at misssssserably, ssssssso you can take a one hour break.

BRODY: Only ONE HOUR?!

SAARGTSSON: Don’t make me decreasssssse it to halfff.

TAMPO: He's right, Brody. Let's just cope with what we have in these hard times.

{Meanwhile, in M1CH-elly, Dennis is typing on his computer. Amy comes in.}

DENNIS: What is it, Amy?

AMY: You know about that letter I sent for you to J05H-ooa for Tampo?

DENNIS: Yeah, what about it?

AMY: The letter was sent to the correct place, but it wasn't transported to 20X6. You'll have to wait a loooong time for Tampo to retrieve it.

DENNIS: I'll just go to J05H-ooa and send it physically.

AMY: Okay. I’ll ask my friend, the universe headmistress, to send you there immediately.

DENNIS: And when will that be?

AMY: Any second now. She probably heard m-

{Before Amy finishes the sentence, Dennis disappears in a flash of white light. Cut to an empty field. It looks like a normal Free Country USA field.}

DENNIS: Wow. That friend of Amy's is good. No wonder she's always eerily partly right all the time. Now to find that letter...

{While Dennis is scouring around for his letter, some people come holding young saplings.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Awight! Everybody has a twee to plant in the forest of the future!

STRONG BAD: I don't know why I agreed to plant trees with you losers.

STRONG SAD: You lost that game of tiddlywinks fair and square.

STRONG BAD: I still don't even like trees. Especially if I have to do it with Homsar.

HOMSAR: {holding a lamp post} I know that the game's being hunted.

DENNIS: Hey guys, do you know where I can find something I lost?

HOMSAR: I lost my will to continue to the afterlife.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Usually if something's been lost, I have borrowed it. What did you lose?

DENNIS: A letter.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Hmmm... no, I haven't seen any letters around here. Maybe the old hermit Wok Sushi has it.

DENNIS: Okay. Where can I find him?

STRONG SAD: He's usually at his house, drawing up plans for robots.

DENNIS: Thanks. Bye guys! {he leaves}

STRONG BAD: Finally he's gone. Now let's get this mes over with. {starts to dig a hole}

{Cut to a minature warehouse. It looks like the Lunar warehouse, only smaller and with less technology. Dennis knocks on the door.}

VOICE FROM INSIDE: Enter, if you dare.

DENNIS: Meh.

{He calmly walks inside. A dark figure is standing in the hallway.}

DENNIS: Are you Wok Sushi?

WOK SUSHI: {comical voice} Actually yes. What brings you here?

DENNIS: I'm missing a letter. Do you have it?

WOK SUSHI: If it's addressed to a guy named Tampo.

DENNIS: That's the guy. May I have it back?

WOK SUSHI: Sure. Step into my lab.

{He motions to a dungeon-like door with a keypad. As he punces in the code, the bars retract one by one. Both of them walk down a spiral staircase, and see a dungeon-like laboratory filled with robots and machines of all sorts. In a tank full of green liquid lies a person that looks like Strong Bad. Dennis gapes all around the walls.}

WOK SUSHI: Amazing, huh?

DENNIS: This is amazing! I've always wanted a room like this.

WOK SUSHI: The things inside are much more amazing. Look at some robots I'm working on.

{Wok points to some unfinished robots on the wall. They look like prototypes for a Jaro, Greggo, and Chorch. Next to them are some plans.}

DENNIS: Those are cool. Can I have a copy of some of these plans?

WOK SUSHI: Sure. It's great to have a believer. No one thinks any of my things will work. Like I'm an old kook.

DENNIS: No way! In a hundred years, these things might scour the planet!

WOK SUSHI: Ah, so great. I also have plans for a research facility on the moon. Would you like to see them?

DENNIS: Would I ever! But what's that over there? {points to the Strong Bad in a tank}

WOK SUSHI: That is my pride and joy. That's Imitation Strong Bad, a clone I'm developing.

DENNIS: Awesometacular.

WOK SUSHI: Yeah... but it's not a true clone. It'll have a high-pitched Austrailian accent and act like a 14-year-old boy.

DENNIS: All this is cool and all, but can I have my letter? I wanted to send it to a guy in the future.

WOK SUSHI: Here. {gives Dennis the letter} Also, you can use this old Gameboy I put in a blender. I’ll get you to the time you want.

DENNIS: Thanks. See you later.

WOK SUSHI: It’s been nice having you.

{Dennis disappears in a flash of light. Meanwhile, in the boss trio's dormitory...}

TAMPO: I don’t know how much longer we can stay here. We need to make a plan fast.

BRODY: And what of our email show? Should we start answering an email now?

STLUNKO: It is that time of the week again. We should not disappoint our crowd.

{Stlunko goes up to the SaargtScreen and types the code for an email, but it isn’t working.}

BRODY: The SaargtScreen is broken? How are we going to answer an email now?

TAMPO: Don't worry. If we at least get some snailmail, then all isn't lost.

BRODY: But we still need a plan against the Boss Trio Reloaded.

STLUNKO: The first thing is to remove the chips from our bodies. Otherwise we shall still be traced. And the chips will shock us if we get too far from Stinkoman.

TAMPO: After that, we need to get to the moon.

BRODY: How do we get to the moon with all those SWAT robots after us here in Challenge City?

STLUNKO: The lava zone has a great amount of tunnels. We can find another transport in another city.

BRODY: What do we do after we get to the moon? The Reloaded guys would find us any second.

STLUNKO: I do not know. But I guess we should try to find a way to answer our fan mail. My hard drive has been wiped of all our emails.

{Cut to the hallway outside the boss trio's room. A gaspeau is flying by. Saargtsson is pasing in the other direction after overhearing Stlunko.}

SAARGTSSON: Hello sssslob.

GASPEAU: I'm not a slob!

SAARGTSSON: Of courssse you are. Anyway, I want you to get thhhe mail.

GASPEAU: {miserably} Yes, Saargtsson. I'll get right on it.

{Cut to the Challenge City Forest. Dennis is standing next to the lava zone opening. A SWAT robot comes up to him.}

SWAT ROBOT: Have you seen these giant mutants? {holds up a cartoony picture of a brain with eyes and a chicken}

DENNIS: No, I haven't seen them.

SWAT ROBOT: Okay, tell me if you do. {he leaves}

DENNIS: Now where's that mailbox... Oh. It's over there.

{As he walks over to the mailbox and puts it in, he sees a Gaspeau going to the box.}

DENNIS: Are you sending mail here too?

GASPEAU: No, I'm here to get all the mail straight to Saargtsson.

{Gaspeau presses a button. All the mail goes down a tube to the Lava Zone.}

DENNIS: But my letter to Tampo was in there!

GASPEAU: Saargtsson's going to obliterate it for sure. But tell you what. I've wanted to get revenge on Saargtsson for a long time. I'll help you get in.

DENNIS: But how?

{A Poorbt comes out of the forest carrying a pizza.}

GASPEAU: Like that. Grab the Poorbt’s clothes and the pizza box. You'll sneak in.

DENNIS: Let's go.

{The two of them walk over to the Poorbt.}

POORBT: Hey guys. I'm just delivering a pizza to Saargtsson. Hey- why are you looking at me like that?

{Dennis and the Gaspeau punch him out. Dennis puts on the Poorbt's clothes, leaving a robot frame. He looks like a poorbt, but a couple centimeters shorter.}

GASPEAU: We're wasting time. Let's get inside.

{Cut to Saargtsson’s Inner Sanctum. Dennis, still dressed as a Poorbt, is bringing a pizza to the door.}

DENNIS: Pizza delivery!

SAARGTSSON: Ah. My pineapple and pepperoni pizza. Now I'll have a luau tonight. Here'sss a tip.

{Saargtsson hands Dennis $7. Dennis walks over to a table with letters on it. He sneaks his letter away.}

DENNIS: Okay... BYE! {he slips out}

{Cut to the boss trio's dormitory. Stlunko is overloading, Brody is sweating and exhausted, and Tampo is baking on the floor.}

TAMPO: Okay, but we'll be caught by NEB-1, and be attacked...

BRODY: NEB-1 probably won't pay attention.

STLUNKO: If we were Astromunds, maybe. Besides, I think the Boss Trio Reloaded would prepare the Lunar Warehouse for NEB-1.

TAMPO: Don't we need to answer our fan-mail?

BRODY: You're right. We don't want our fans to think we're getting lazy.

{Suddenly, the door opens. It’s a Poorbt with a letter in his fist.}

DENNIS: I’ve got mail for Tampo.

BRODY: We're saved!

STLUNKO: Wait... you are too short to be a Poorbt. Who are you?

{Dennis takes off the Poorbt helmet. It shows his face.}

DENNIS: I’m Dennis Dunjinman, and I’ve just snuck in to bring you a letter that Saargtsson intercepted.

TAMPO: Dennis... that sounds familiar.

STLUNKO: That is the guy who told us about the Boss Trio Reloaded.

BRODY: And you snuck into Saargtsson's Inner Sanctum to send us this letter that was going to be destroyed?

DENNIS: Yeah, I guess so.

STLUNKO: We should open it now.

Dear Tampo,
I would like to have VIP access to the DVD. 
Enclosed is 20 dollars in American currency.
I also would like to ask when I can buy a copy of Tampo's Testings.
-Thanks in advance,
Dennis Dunjinman

{Tampo mumbles the letter to himself and shakes the envelope to see a United States $20 bill.}

BRODY: 20 actual American M1CH-elly dollars?

STLUNKO: Think of how much that is worth!

TAMPO: For a robot, you seem to care a lot about money.

STLUNKO: That may be true, but I will store this for later.

TAMPO: Anyway, you get VIP access to our DVD, and Tampo's Testings? We haven't heard from the company. It's still in production.

STLUNKO: But for right now, we want to ask you a question.

DENNIS: Yes?

BRODY: How would you like to help us get the Lunar Warehouse back?

DENNIS: That would be great! I've even got the plans for the Lunar Warehouse, and a Jaro, Greggo and Chorch.

{He takes out the plans from Wok Sushi and places them on the table.}

STLUNKO: These look important.

TAMPO: I’ve got a plan. Stlunko, give Dennis $10. He'll get to the moon for us.

BRODY: Then what?

TAMPO: He hides among NEB-1's Astromund forces and infiltrates the Lunar Warehouse, dressed as a Grundy.

STLUNKO: These plans show override modules. Maybe Dennis can turn them off.

TAMPO: Exactly. Then, when everyone is focused on Dennis, we go in...

BRODY: And take back the Lunar Warehouse!

DENNIS: I'm ready.

{Stlunko hands Dennis a $10 bill. Dennis gets out of the Lava Zone. Cut to a flash forward. Dennis is writing a letter, dressed as an Astromund.}

DENNIS: {voiceover} Dear Tampo, Brody, and Stlunko, I have successfullly transported onto the moon. I am hidden as an Astromund in NEB-1's forces. No one suspects a thing. I will come to the Lunar Warehouse soon enough. I hope you have a safe trip to the moon, Dennis.

{Fade to black. A popup comes up that says "Click here to email Tampo."}

Easter Eggs

• Wait a while to see what the Boss Trio Reloaded is doing.

THE TRICKSTER: Why weren't we in this? Is it "marbles" all over again?

CHORCH COMMANDER: Patience. We weren't in the plot line. We'll be in the next one.

SIDEKICK BOB: I finished launching the puding torpedoes at Stinkoman's House. 1-Up should be there any minute.

THE TRICKSTER: Excellent.

Fun Facts

• The letter Dennis sent in the first place was a joke to get VIP access. The basis of this story comes from an entry on Josh's talk page
• This fan-mail contiues where "Revolution" left off.
• Disasteroids are video game enemies in a 1994 educational game by The Learning Company called "Treasure Galaxy". They were supposed to fly around and bump into your scooter to make you lose starbucks, but they were very avoidable and you could shoot them off in one blast, so they were unimportant.
• M1CH-elly is a play on J05H-ooa, because this is my universe.
• Wok Sushi happens to be growing Imitation Strong Bad, from Imitation Strong Bad Emails
• Wok's "time machine" is based on Sbemail "2 emails""
• Saagtsson calling gaspeau a slob corresponds with Other Character Email Saargtsson.
• Saargtsson's mention of a luau has to do with the fact his pizza has roast pig and pineapple on it, which are traditional Hawaiian foods served at luaus.
• Stlunko mentioning Dennis being too short to be a Poorbt is a reference to Star Wars IV: A New Hope, when Leia was in the prisoner wing, she said Luke was too short to be a stormtrooper.
• Stlunko also said Dennis was the one who told them about the Boss Trio Reloaded, because I sent the e-mail in "revolution" with his name.
• Tampo saying Stlunko cared about money a lot for a robot is a reference to the first Tampo e-mail.
• The Trickster said that this was "marbles" all over again has to do with the fact that they weren't even referenced in that e-mail.