Other Character Email Tampo/master

From Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki

Tampo Email #21: "master"

Summary: Tampo, Brody and Stlunko give us some in-depth info on their master and show us their introduction movie! But will the master's identity be revealed?

Cast (in order of appearance): Tampo, Brody, Stlunko, Holo-Metroid, Holo-Stinkoman, A Jaro, Kolkaryu, The Master (Easter Egg), Another Jaro (Easter Egg)

Places: Computer Room

Length: 144 Lines

Date: June 16th, 2005

Transcript

{The trio are at the SuperCom.}

TAMPO: Okay, SuperCom. Status check.

SUPERCOM: I am still recovering lost and damaged files and functions. It may take a while before I am fully back to normal.

BRODY: At least you're not destroyed.

STLUNKO: I did a scan and search of the lunar warehouse. Everything seems to be fine or quickly recovering.

TAMPO: Great, so... {singing} Tampo-Tampo-Tampo-Tampo-Tampo! Brody, Stlunko, and an email-ampo!

{An email gets displayed onscreen. Tampo reads it.}

Dear Tampo and Company,
Who IS your master?
sincerely,
Lee Keefaucet

{Tampo says the name quickly, so it comes out "Leaky Faucet."}

TAMPO: Well Drainpipe, the master's real name is {sarcasticly} waaaaaaaayyyy too great to be spoken by any of us "little people."

BRODY: That's what the master says, anyway.

STLUNKO: He is very strict about it.

TAMPO: Yeah. Any lowly minion would get destroyed if the master found out he said his name. I'm not sure what the punishment would be for one of us big guys, but I don't exactly want to find out.

BRODY: I don't see what's the big deal about it, really. I mean, it's just a name.

STLUNKO: It is not just his name he deems us unworthy to use. He also has banned us from using his image, for the same reasons.

BRODY: He sure is a proud fellow, isn't he?

TAMPO: Yeah. Good thing he can't hear what we're saying.

STLUNKO: He claims to be all-powerful. He claims to see and hear all.

{Tampo and Brody glance around nervously.}

TAMPO: {nervous laugh} Well, of course can't hear us right now, right?

BRODY: {nervous laugh} Of course! But if you are watching this master, don't take anything I've said seriously, okay?

TAMPO: Yeah, um, me too.

STLUNKO: Can you please stop that?

TAMPO: Okay, well, um... So Pipey, although we can't tell you who the master is, we'll give you some background information and maybe you'll be able to figure it out.

STLUNKO: In fact, I will run my Introduction Movie.

TAMPO: Oh, yes. Great idea.

BRODY: I remember that movie! That's the one that's played to new recruits.

TAMPO: Yep. On it, the master is symbolized as a metroid. Because metroids will suck the very life out of you, just like the master.

STLUNKO: That is not accurate. The actual reason is because the master loves metroids. He even has a few as pets.

TAMPO: Well, my reason's better. Because the master requires yearly payments from all of his big underlings.

BRODY: Like us. Our last payment was a while ago. I think we'll be due again soon.

STLUNKO: On to business. {beeps and emits a hologram from his antenna, which fills the screen}

{On the screen, a metroid is floating around in a field of white.}

METROID: {insides glow when he talks} Hello, underlings. It is I, your master. As you know, my form is much too great and worthy to be recorded on any petty machine, so I am being symbolized by the great metroid. Now here's a little background information.

{The background changes to a construction work area.}

METROID: I was a lowly construction worker once, but not nearly as worthless as you, I assure you. I was working the late shift one day, all by myself. And that's when it happened. This guy showed up.

{A picture of Stinkoman with devil horns and fangs appears as in inset.}

METROID: He asked me for a challenge. I stopped my work and tried to tell him that I did not want to fight, but he didn't listen and attacked away. I attempted to defend myself, but at the time I was not the ultra-talented fighter that am now. He hit me in the head and knocked me out.

{The metroid explodes and the blast covers the screen.}

METROID: {offscreen} For reasons that you do not need to know, the accident cost me my job and my social life. I was unable to get a new job.

TAMPO: {offscreen} Pause!

{The word "pause" appears in the top-right corner of the screen in bold, green letters. A few seconds later the hologram disappears to show Tampo, Brody and Stlunko facing the camera.}

TAMPO: It is at this point, I think we should go into more detail into what Stinkoman actually did to the master.

STLUNKO: Yes, that is a good idea. I have done significant studies on the master's past, and I have detailed knowledge on what had happened to him.

TAMPO: From what Stlunko tells us, it seems that Stinkoman smacked the master right in the head knocking him out and causing horrible brain damage.

STLUNKO: That is true. He was rushed to the hospital soon after Stinkoman left the area. He would have died if it was not for nano-technology.

TAMPO: Yes, his skull and brain are now half-robotic. But he has recovered for the most part.

BRODY: I still think his brain is messed up.

TAMPO: Yeah, and- wait. Huh? You've never said that.

BRODY: I know, but still, after thinking about it. Besides brain damage, how else could someone think that they are so "holy" that he can't be spoken and drawn?

TAMPO: Hmmm... you have a point.

STLUNKO: But now is not the time for that discussion. Let us get back on subject. As we were saying, he become part-robotic.

TAMPO: He used to be entirely alien. He's from an unidentified alien species, of whom we actually have no records of. He's the only immigrant of that species on Planet K.

STLUNKO: Yes, so naturually he was not trusted too much by the humans. And although things are better now, a few years ago organic and robotic species were not exactly friendly with each other.

BRODY: So as a cyborg, he wasn't really trusted on either side. He was an outcast from civilization.

STLUNKO: Which brings us back to the introduction movie.

{Stlunko reactivates and unpauses the movie, which was right where it had left off.}

METROID: So with my life ruined, I decided I would ruin Stinkoman's life. So for a few years, I hid from civilization and trained in the fields of mechanics and martial arts.

{The background changes into a picture of Stinkoman crying.}

METROID: At first I was just going to kill him as soon as I was strong enough, but that has changed. Since he ruined my life, I decided I would ruin his life by making it as miserable as possible. And that's where you come in.

{The background becomes white with red text in the middle.}

YOU!

METROID: There is one thing Stinkoman hates more than anything else in the world, and that is losing challenges. It is your mission to defeat Stinkoman is as many challenges as possible, and to gather minions of your own to aid you. But do not fail, for winning challenges pleases Stinkoman.

{The background changes to a blank screen.}

METROID: So now you, who used to be a meaningless nothing, now has a purpose: serving me! Don't you feel complete? Well, now you're ready to begin working for me. Find yourself a warehouse and start challenging Stinkoman! And remember: Don't kill Stinkoman, that'll be my job when I want to. Just defeat him again and again. Oh, and all your finances are belong to me. This is your supreme ruler, over and out.

{The hologram shuts off, showing the boss trio in your same positions as before.}

TAMPO: Well, that's the movie.

BRODY: Um... yeah. Well, I bet you're wondering why we even work for him.

STLUNKO: He built me.

TAMPO: Yeah, he's quite talented in building things. And me and Brody actually were meaningless nothings before Stlunko recruited us. So indeed, the master has given us almost everything we have.

BRODY: Mm-hmm.

STLUNKO: I think you robots watching us should know that that introduction movie was just for the master's big underlings, like Tampo and Brody. The introduction movie for the little ones is much shorter.

TAMPO: {chuckles} Yeah, much shorter.

BRODY: Show it!

STLUNKO: Here it is.

{Stlunko emits another hologram. This one has the metroid against a plain white background.}

METROID: Hello worthless little robot. I am your great and powerful ruler, whose name you must never speak for it is too great. And this is not my true form, as your visual sensors and too lowly to see my actual self. Anyway, for reasons you are too ignorant to comprehend, you must help your superiors defeat Stinkoman at any costs, even your own life. This is your master, over and out.

{The hologram turns off.}

TAMPO: See? And the stupidest thing about that is that the little robots believe every word.

BRODY: Yeah... well, um... is that it?

STLUNKO: We still have not revealed the master's identity.

TAMPO: We aren't allowed to speak his name. Well... okay, but don't tell anyone. The masters name is... {nervously glances left and right} is... {whispers quietly} Sticklyman.

BRODY: Yep. Believe it or-

WHINY VOICE: I heard that!

{Brody jumps in surprise and Tampo quickly turns sideways in surprise. Stlunko turns toward the voice as well, but without expressing any emotion. The camera switches angles to show the Jaro who said that.}

JARO: {in a whiny, annoying voice} I heard you say that! I'm going to tell the master! You're going to get in trouble! {in a sing song voice} You're going to get in trouble! You're going to get in trouble!

TAMPO: {recovered, in a commanding voice} Puny Jaro, as your superior, I order you not to speak for the rest of your life!

JARO: {freezes, stunned} ... {bounces away, upset}

{The three watch the Jaro leave the room.}

BRODY: ...okay.

TAMPO: Well, let's hope he knows what's best for him. Okay, well, that's all for-

ANOTHER VOICE: {the voice is similar to the Visor Robot's} Message for Tampo, Brody and Stlunko. Message for Tampo, Brody and Stlunko.

TAMPO: Huh?

{A Kolkaryu enters the room. Its visor blinks red when it talks.}

BRODY: A Kolkayru? We don't have any of those...

KOLKARYU: Tampo. Brody. Stlunko. You gaves have a message from-

TAMPO: Let me guess. The master?

KOLKARYU: Yes. That's right. It's time for your yearly inspection and payment.

TAMPO: {sighs} I knew it was approaching this time of year again. Okay, where do you meet him?

KOLKARYU: Follow me.

TAMPO: Okay. Let's go, guys.

{The three leave the room, following the Kolkayru.}

BRODY: Ugh. I hate these inspections.

{The camera zooms in to the SuperCom, which has the "Click here to email Tampo" pop-up on it.}

Easter Eggs

Click on the Status File's icon to have a Sticklyman Character Card displayed onscreen.

{Sicklyman looks like he did in "Under Construction," except he has a robotic suit. It is skinny, perfected matching his body. His head is cyborg-like, with a red visor over his "eyes."}

Click on "Click" to see what happened to the poor Jaro.

{The Jaro is next to another Jaro, who apparently is his friend.}

THE JARO: ...

OTHER JARO: What happened, man? You look upset.

THE JARO: ...

OTHER JARO: What is it? C'mon, I'm your friend. You can tell me anything, right?

{The silent Jaro glances behind him, and the camera pans to show a security camera on the wall watching him. The camera pans back to the two.}

THE JARO: {shakes top sections left and right, meaning "No."}

OTHER JARO: What? I thought we were friends!

THE JARO: {lightly} Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! ... Beep! ... Beep! Beeeeeep! Beep! Beep! ... Beep! Beeeeeep! Beeeeeep! Beep!

OTHER JARO: Huh? Oh, morse code! I remember learning that in school!

Fun Facts

This is completely original. The master's story and identity on Tampo Emails does not directly relate to any other fanstuff.
The pre-email discussion refers to the events that occured in the previous email "virus."
The Metroid is a fictional alien species from the series of the same name.
"All your finances are belong to me" is a play on the popular phrase from Zero Wing: "All your base are belong to us."
The Jaro spells out "H-E-L-P" in morse code.
"I remember learning that in school" is a reference to the Strong Bad Email "boring (really)."

Quick Links

This email features a hidden DVD Commentary by Joshua and Aussie Evil.

Other Character Email Tampo/master

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