Other Character Email Tampo/conquest

From Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki

Tampo Email #5: "conquest"

Summary: After answering a crappy email, Tampo and friends go back in time to have some fun, and then take it one step further.

Cast (in order of appearance): Tampo, Brody, Stlunko, Strong Bad, Homestar Runner, Marshie (voice only), Marzipan, Pom Pom, Bubs, Coach Z, Strong Mad, The Cheat, Strong Sad, The Poopsmith, The King of Town, The Knight, The Hornblower, The Blacksmith, The Little Chef Dude, The Bishop, Homsar

Places: Computer Room, Time Machine Room, The Brothers Strong's House (outside), Computer Room, Homestar's House, Marzipan's Gazebo, The Stick, Bubs' Concession Stand, Coach Z's Locker, Strong Bad's Basement, Strong Sad's Room, KoT's Castle (outside), Strongbadia, The Field (Easter Egg)

Date: April 3, 2005

Length: 169 Lines

Transcript

{Cut to full-screen view of Plasma 2000. Everyone's where they should be.}

TAMPO: {singing} You gotta email me just to stay alive!

{Stlunko opens an email in a popup.}

Dear Tampo,
Miffdy Miff. Miff mif meh mif? Mif! merk mif mel mif.
Miff,
Sally Saxaphone

{Tampo says "Miffy" instead of "Sally Saxaphone." Stlunko opens a word document.}

BRODY: Um, what's this about?

TAMPO: {not typed} I have no idea.

STLUNKO: Definition of miff: Verb. To cause someone to become offended or annoyed.

TAMPO: {not typed} Well, that explains this email very well. Okay... {typed} Miff miffidy miff, moofa miff. Mif meh moof? Miffidity. Miff miff meh miffer miff meff. Miff, Tampo. {Stlunko stops typing} Alright, um...

BRODY: Eh...

TAMPO: I guess... that's all. Man, that was a crappy email.

BRODY: So, now what?

TAMPO: I dunno. What else is on today's schedule?

STLUNKO: Nothing. We have the day off.

TAMPO: Well, this sure helped us pass the time. What should we do?

BRODY: Battle Stinkoman?

TAMPO: Nah, he's rather tough. I still need to recover from that lazor beam incident.

BRODY: How about someone easier? Like, um...

STLUNKO: How about Strong Bad, Stinkoman's ancestor?

BRODY: Oh, yeah. Who suggested that...? Oh, yeah, the Gregginator. Should we do that? He should be easy.

TAMPO: Um... sure, why not? Let's go! To the time machine!

{Tampo floats away, Stlunko rolls away and Brody's feet are visible walking away.}

{The trio nears the time machine. No other robots are around.}

TAMPO: Okay, um, set it to June 24th, 2002, outside Strong Bad's House. Oh, and activate the E.T.H.

STLUNKO: Yes, sir.

{Stlunko presses a bunch of buttons.}

BRODY: Here we go again!

{Stlunko activates the machine. In a flash, the three friends are gone.}

{Cut to the outside of The Brothers Strong's house. It's one story high, and there's a window on the wall. Stlunko's a bit too short and Brody's too tall to look inside, but Tampo floats right up to the window and looks inside.}

TAMPO: There he is. Strong Bad.

{Cut to inside the house. The camera is slightly far away from Strong Bad as he checks his email. (so the Floppy Disk Container is visible.) Strong Bad is using his Tandy 400. He is typing as he speaks.}

STRONG BAD: Yep. I remember those days, Mike. Those were good days... {sniffs} good days.

{Cut back to the boss trio.}

TAMPO: This oughta be easy.

BRODY: What's he doing?

TAMPO: Shh... here I go.

{Tampo fires a single laserball at the window. It goes through the glass as it is laser light.}

{Cut back to previous view of Strong Bad. The laserball comes from the left and hits the Tandy, but Strong Bad doesn't notice. Suddenly the Tandy's screen cuts out.}

STRONG BAD: What the... crap?

{Green electric lightning bolts appear at the center of the screen.}

STRONG BAD: Whoa!

{The computer suddenly explodes in Strong Bad's face. His head turns black and he flies across the room screaming, and breaks through the wall.}

{Cut back to outside scene.}

TAMPO: I killed him! I killed Strong Bad!

BRODY: So... this means that Stinkoman is no more, right?

STLUNKO: Strong Bad was Stinkoman's ancestor. Strong Bad is gone; Stinkoman is gone.

TAMPO: But that would mean that I haven't ever lost my first robot body. Why aren't I back in it?

STLUNKO: I do not know. This time travel phenomena is complicated. Maybe Stinkoman's disappearance will only take effect once we get back to the present?

BRODY: Whatever happened, I'm not ready to leave yet.

TAMPO: Yeah, that was too easy. In fact, maybe we could...

BRODY: ...take over this whole city?

TAMPO: Then we would be the rulers in the present!

STLUNKO: Sensors indicate minimum threat.

TAMPO: Great, let's split up.

BRODY: Okay.

{The three bosses go separate ways.}

{Cut to Homestar Runner. He is standing in front of a television. Tampo floats in.}

MARSHIE: {not visible, on television, singing} Made from the best stuff!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: I hate that fweakin' Mawsh... {turns and sees Tampo, gasps} A giant pink mawshmellow! It's the end! Ahhhh!

{Homestar runs away from Tampo and runs right into a wall and falls down stunned.}

TAMPO: Heh.

MARSHIE: {singing} They're fluffity. They're puffity. One, two, three- Fzzt!

{Tampo had shot the television with a laserball and it broke. Then he shot Homestar for good measure and he fizzled and then fell back down, charred. Then Tampo floats away from where he had come.}

{Cut to Marzipan in front of her gazebo. She is watering a purple flower.}

MARZIPAN: Why thank you Ms. Petunia. You're looking rather nice-

{Brody's foot smashes Marzipan. When it lifts, Marzipan and "Ms. Petunia" are as flat as paper.}

{Cut to Pom Pom bouncing by the stick. Suddenly one of Stlunko's hands floats in from behind, holding a pin. It gets closer. Pom Pom bubbles, and then jumps, turns around and kicks at the hand, but he accidentally kicks the pin. It pierces his foot, and then the foot shoots out air and Pom Pom flies away like a balloon spouting out air.}

{Cut to Bubs' Concession Stand. Bubs is behind the counter, reading a list. Suddenly Tampo floats by, he's nearly as big as the concession stand. Tampo stares at Bubs.}

BUBS: And what can I do for you, young man?

TAMPO: I'm taking over this little town ya got here. And you shall die!

BUBS: Wait a second... {reads list carefully} my death will be $15.

TAMPO: Um... okay...

{A 20X6 $15 bill comes from behind Tampo and lands on Bubs' counter. Bubs grabs it.}

BUBS: Pleasure doing business with-

{Bubs falls down dead. All by himself. Tampo laughs and floats away.}

{Cut to Coach Z's locker room. Coach Z is sitting on his bench. Suddenly Brody's legs break through the roof and land next to Coach Z.}

COACH Z: Oh, no. He's he-ore!

{Suddenly Brody's head breaks through the roof above Coach Z and grabs him. Then he carries the coach up.}

{Coach Z is high in the sky, his middle being grabbed by Brody's beak. He is squirming.}

COACH Z: Soirry for noit paying my bills orn time, please give me a few more...

{Brody releases Coach Z and he falls.}

COACH Z: {yelling as he falls} ...mornths!

{Cut to Strong Bad's basement. Strong Mad and The Cheat are here, and they've been grabbed by Stlunko's hands. Strong Mad is continually hitting the hand that has him, but it's no use. The Cheat is biting the hand that has him, but it's not helping. The Cheat is squeaking excitedly.}

STRONG MAD: ME NO LIKE HAND!!!

{Stlunko smashes his hands together, slamming Strong Mad into The Cheat. Strong Mad grunts and The Cheat squeaks. Stlunko lets ago, and they both crumple to the ground together, unconscious.}

{Cut to Strong Sad's room. There is a hole in the wall from Strong Bad, but he is not there anymore. Strong Sad is staring at the hole. A crash is heard as Tampo breaks through the opposite-side wall, and Tampo floats in.}

STRONG SAD: Huh? Oh, a giant brain from the future has come to kill us all and than enslave any survivors to a torturous doom. My prayers have finally been answered.

TAMPO: Uh... you creep me out.

STRONG SAD: Thank you. Now kill me all already.

TAMPO: {confused} ...alright.

{Tampo fires a laserball at Strong Sad and he is fried unconscious. Tampo stares at him, rather confused.}

{Cut to the Poopsmith's pile of whatsit. The Poopsmith's glove is sticking out of the poop, as well the King of Town's head. Parts of the Knight, Hornblower, Blacksmith, Chef and Bishop are sticking out as well.}

KING OF TOWN: Well, this is rather unpleasant.

{Cut to Strong Badia. The cinderblock, stop sign and tire are lying around in a dirtied and dented heap in the background. Tampo is standing in the middle of the field, Brody's feet and rear end are visible on the right side, and Stlunko is behind them next to the fence.}

TAMPO: Well guys, we did good. We are no doubt the rulers of this place in 20X6. Ready to return?

STLUNKO: Sensors indicate one more person here.

BRODY: Who is he?

STLUNKO: I am not sure.

TAMPO: {turns around} There he is!

{Brody and Stlunko turn to face what Tampo's seeing. Suddenly Homsar wobbles in from the left side of the screen and stops right underneath Tampo.}

HOMSAR: I'm gonna rock the platter!

TAMPO: Heh, this idiot's the last guy left?

HOMSAR: AaAaAaAaAaAaAahhhh!

{Homsar's hat flies off his head and hits the lower part of Tampo's brain, the part that is bright red.}

TAMPO: Ouch! The pai-

{Homsar wobbles backwards a bit just as Tampo falls to the ground, KO'd.}

HOMSAR: We'd best be singing a yodel.

BRODY: You- you knocked out Tampo! Get him!

{Homsar starts wobbling away, but Brody walks up and stomps, just missing him. Stlunko moves closer, and takes a swipe, but misses as Homsar turns and starts wobbling up the left side of the screen.}

BRODY: What the-?

{Brody attempts to kick Homsar against the left side of the screen by extending his foot at a 45 degree angle, but accidentally undershoots. His foot extends past the camera view. Losing his balance, Brody makes a small jump back. His other foot trips over the fallen Tampo. Screaming and wings flailing, Brody falls back, crushing Stlunko in the process and damaging his antenna, causing him to shut down. A clunk is heard as Brody's head hits something hard. By the time this is over, Homsar has reached the top of the camera edge. He just stands there upsidedown for a while, staring blankly.}

{The three bosses awaken to find themselves bruised, damaged, and tied by three different ropes. The ropes are hanging from some unseen object above. They are all upside down, their heads a few feet above the Poopsmith's giant pile of whatsit. All the main characters except for Homsar and Bubs are standing nearby. Most of them are bruised and covered with bandages, but the King and his servants are just plain filthy. There's a pulley nearby and crank and a rope that leads upwards. They realise the three bosses have awakened.}

COACH Z: They're aworke!

STRONG BAD: Good. Time to give those freaks what they deserve!

{All the others nod and mumble in agreement. Strong Bad starts turning the lever and the three bosses start sinking closer to the poop pile.}

BRODY: This isn't gonna end well.

TAMPO: Stlunko, quick! Activate E.T.H.!

STLUNKO: Emergency Transport Home, acitvate.

{A flash fills the screen with white.}

{When the light fades, the trio find themselves back in the Robot Warehouse. They are still beaten and bruised, but relieved to be safe from poopy danger.}

TAMPO: Man, that stunk.

BRODY: Tell me about it. And I can't believe they had all survived.

TAMPO: I know, even Strong Bad. I guess we are still low-budget bosses trying to defeat Stinkoman. I don't know how this day could get away worse. {faces camera} Hey, what's that?

STLUNKO: That the camera-bot for the email. It broadcasts our emails live over the InstaNet.

TAMPO: What's that red light doing on? Our email ended a while ago!

STLUNKO: You never told me to turn it off.

TAMPO: You mean this whole ordeal was broadcasted live to all our fans? I don't believe this!

{Tampo charges towards the camera and accidentally bumps into Brody. Brody screams and falls down, crushing Tampo and Stlunko. They stay still, seemingly dazed or unconscious. After a few seconds, the screen switches to the Plasma 2000 with the "Click here to email Tampo." popup on top.}

Easter Eggs

Click on the list Bubs is holding to show it close onscreen so you can read it. It reads:

Pumpkins            - $20
Little Bombs        - $65
Green Bombs         - $75
Blue Bombs          - $79
Nuclear Bombs       - $20
Instant Death       - $10
Robot Body          - $99
Bubs' Death         - $15
Strong Bad's Death  - $25
Doom and Despair    - $5
World Domination    - $50
The Cheat (neutered)- $10

Click on the red X in the corner of the popup to see what happened to Homsar.

{Homsar is standing around a pile of gifts, presumably from everyone else as a reward for defeating the bosses. Homsar "picks up" one of them, a wrench, and puts it in his open mouth. Then he proceeds to choke on it. His face starts turning blue as the screen cuts back to the Plasma 2000.}

Click on the minimize button "_" on the corner of the popup to see what happened to Bubs.

{Cut to Bubs' Concession Stand. Flies are buzzing around the opening. A vulture swoops inside.}

Fun Facts

The email which told Tampo to go back in time to kill Strong Bad is "time travel."
Tampo's opening song is a play on Strong Bad's opening song in his email "best thing."
Tampo mentioning a "lazor beam incident" is talking about what happened to him in the previous Tampo email "lazor beams."
The Strong Bad Email Tampo interveres with is his email "gimmicks", which was released June 24th, 2002.
The commercial Homestar is watching and his quote "I hate that fweakin' mawsh..." are both from the toon "Meet Marshie".
Pom Pom being poked with a pin is a reference to the Strong Bad Email "pom pom."
Strong Sad saying "my prayers have finally been answered" about something bad is a reference to the SB Email "one step ahead," where Strong Sad says the same thing about him believing he's gone blind.
Homsar's hat hits Tampo's bright red lower brain to knock him out. Brody's head hit something hard upon landing to KO him. Stlunko was deactived by having his antenna crushed. These were all their weaknesses in Stinkoman 20X6.
Homsar has also walked around the camera's view during an easter egg in "Halloween Fairstival."
Being lowered into the Poopsmith's pile of whatsit is a reference to what happened when you lost in the game "Revenge of the King."
Homsar eating a wrench is a reference to The House That Gave Sucky Treats, where you can give Homsar a wrench as "candy". Apparently it is Homsar's favorite.
Although not shown in the email, the author Joshua admits that Bubs was just putting on a really good act to please his costumer. He "resurrects" in about a week.
- The above fun fact was added because there were five seperate causes of people illegally editing the storyline of this email just to have Bubs survive.

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Other Character Email Tampo/conquest

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