Other Character Email Tampo/anniversary

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Tampo Email #44: "anniversary"

Summary: Tampo Emails are one year old, and Tampo is taken back to his roots.

Cast (in order of appearance): Tampo, Brody, Stlunko, Saargtsson, Poorbts, Stu, Frotzers, Gaspeaus

Places: Private Chamber, Robot Warehouse Computer Room

Length: 178 Lines

Date: March 29, 2006

Transcript

{Cut to the boss trio's private chamber in the Lava Zone. Tampo, Brody and Stlunko are here, but the SaargtScreen is missing.}

TAMPO: Well, this sucks. We have no computer for my very important email checking. How am I going to maintain my popularity without being able to check fan emails?!

BRODY: Sprite comic?

TAMPO: ...that's just dumb.

STLUNKO: We had to use the SaargtScreen for the replica. If we do not answer an email on it in 30X2, the time stream will be drastically altered.

TAMPO: Unfortunately true.

STLUNKO: Which is why I got Saargtsson to get us a new one.

TAMPO: What?

BRODY: You did?

STLUNKO: Yes. As a reward for saving the Lava Zone from An Ice Machine.

TAMPO: Yay. That's awesome. Any idea what kind of computer it is? I mean, Saargtsson owes us a pretty big favor...

STLUNKO: He did not specify.

TAMPO: Oh.

SAARGTSSON: {calling from offscreen} You guyssssss' computer isss here.

BRODY: How conveniently timed. {calling} Tampo's waiting for it.

{Footsteps are heard approaching and then four Poorbts enter, straining under the weight of the large new computer. Tampo, Brody and Stlunko watch as the Poorbts painstakingly carry it over the hole where the old computer used to be and lower the new support pole into it. One of them starts fiddling with some wires at the base. The computer looks just like the SaargtScreen.}

BRODY: What the—

TAMPO: Another SaargtScreen? Why the crap did you get us another one of these things?!

SAARGTSSON: {entering room} Well, Ssstlunko nevvver ssspeccccifffied what kind he wanted. And thhhis wasss the only appropiate computer avvvailable the fffit thhhe "worthhhlesss minionsss" budget.

TAMPO: Which is?

SAARGTSSON: Zzzero, now. But thhhisss isssn't anothhher SssaargtSsscreen.

BRODY: What is it then?

SAARGTSSON: Thhhe world famousss: SssargtSsscreen II!

TAMPO: SaargtScreen II? What's makes it better?

SAARGTSSON: It doublesss as a microwavvve. {quickly} Uh... gotta go. Havvve fffun.

{Saargtsson quickly leaves the room and his Poorbts follow.}

TAMPO: This is just dumb. A microwave-computer? Who would build that?!

STLUNKO: It is not so bad. If you ignore the cheap marketing gimmick, it is the same as our old SaargtScreen. Minus that word command invention I had installed.

{Suddenly the SaargtScreen II dings. Brody rushes behind it.}

BRODY: Oh boy! Muffins!

{Brody opens a door in the back of the SaargtScreen II and pulls out a few small muffins and runs offscreen with them.}

STLUNKO: Here, break it in. {starts typing stuff into it} It will boot up with a random email from your inbox. And now, if you would excuse me, I need to make sure Brody doesn't poison himself eating questionable muffins. {leaves}

TAMPO: Uh... thanks.

{After a bit of booting up, and email appears onscreen.}

CSS://>openmail:LOISH

Blorshib Tampobe,
BORLSH BORBLO ORSIB!!!!!
BLISH LIBERSO BOIRL SHIMBLE!!
TOBUL BLIBS SHIOROSB!!!!
Bihsrolb,
Moofoo

TAMPO: Uh... okay. Way to break in a new computer. Ahem... {starts reading out email}

{Right before Tampo says "Moofoo", Stlunko reenters the scene.}

STLUNKO: Do not worry, Tampo. Those muffins were fine. And I only had to make Brody regurgitate one.

TAMPO: {reading} Moofoo. {to Stlunko} That's great. Do you know what this email means?

{Stlunko reads it silently, and then his little beedy red eyes grow big.}

STLUNKO: You did not just repeat these words out loud, did you?

TAMPO: Uh... I did. Why, is there something wr—

{Suddenly the whole world around Tampo suddenly blurs as if zooming past very fast.}

TAMPO: {yelling} —ooooooong!!!

{It finally stops with Tampo in the old Robot Warehouse. He is facing the camera, with Brody and Stlunko standing beside him. Brody and Stlunko are just standing there. Tampo looks around, confused.}

TAMPO: What the... our old Robot Warehouse? Still in the one piece? Stlunko, what's going on here?

STLUNKO: {in robotic voice} Tampo, what are you doing?

TAMPO: Stlunko, what did those words do? {turns around} There's the Plasma 2000! Still fully operational.

BRODY: Well, duh. C'mon Tampo, don't blow it. Remember the script?

TAMPO: Script? I have a script? Wait... there's only two times I've ever used a script. That failed movie audition and... {realization hits him} This must be back in my first email!

BRODY: {whispering} Concentrate, man. We're live over the InstaNet. {normal voice} Ahem, our email.

TAMPO: Wha? {quietly} Alright Tampo, calm down. You're just living through that horrible first email of yours. You can do this.

STLUNKO: Tampo, you are embarrassing us and probably chasing away our money. Should we abandon this project?

TAMPO: Huh? No, no, no. It's okay. So audience, sorry if we've confused you. We're here to start an email show just like Stinkoman. Because he made us look bad or something. And this'll raise our popularity a lot and give us money.

STLUNKO: Give us money.

TAMPO: Yep. You sure do like money, Stlunko. And, erm, buy Tampo's Testings!

{There is a pause.}

BRODY: Err... and by that he means we're working on "Tampo's Testings!", which is going to be the hit game of 20X7!

{Nothing happens; crickets chirp.}

TAMPO: {monotone} Now.

{One of Stlunko's hands comes up on screen holding the box cover for Tampo's Testings.}

BRODY: It's so gonna top the charts, man.

TAMPO: {whispering to himself} Did we ever finish that thing?

BRODY: What?

TAMPO: Nothing. So... email time!

{Cut to full-screen image of the Plasma 2000. Tampo is floating in front of part of the right side of the computer, Brody's right leg is partly visible to left, and Stlunko's antenna is visible at the bottom. Tampo faces Brody's leg and starts looking up.}

TAMPO: Tall... {faces computer} So... uh... Emailing an brain, who would have thunk it?

{As Tampo's song ends, Stlunko clicks on the email icon and this pop-up is displayed on the Plasma's screen. Tampo reads the email outloud.}

Dear Tampo,
What was it like when you had a robot body?
Laser Printer and Holo

TAMPO: What?! Robots? We don't want any stupid robot emails! We have plenty of robot fans! We need human emails!! Humans, I say!!! {pause} Was that good, Brody? That... was what I was supposed to do, right?

BRODY: {sighs} Close enough. Continue.

{Stlunko opens a word document and types whatever Tampo says. Comments by other characters aren't typed.}

TAMPO: Good. Well printer-type, I wasn't really in a robot body for too long, as Stinkoman destroyed it right away. Sorry, but I—

BRODY: Huh?

STLUNKO: {stops typing} You said you had no memories of your pre-brain state.

TAMPO: Oh. Yeah. That's right. You haven't researched that... I mean, I'm just making this up. Of course I don't remember. Heh heh... heh... {typing is resumed} Anyhoo, as Stlunko said, I don't remember having a robot body. So I'll let Brody answer this one. Because he knows what having a body is all about.

{Tampo floats offscreen and Brody walks in front of the computer. Stlunko has to move to the side, so no one types as Brody talks.}

BRODY: Okay holographic printer, to have a body is a great thing, let me tell you. I mean, you can move around on your own free— Oof!

{Suddenly Tampo zooms back onscreen and shoves Brody's legs, knocking Brody away. A crash is heard and the screen shakes a bit.}

STLUNKO: Tampo, you were not supposed to do that until Brody insulted you.

TAMPO: Oh. Crap. I remember that being my favorite part...

STLUNKO: I better go make sure Brody is okay. You hit him offguard and he looks dazed.

{The antenna begins to move offscreen.}

TAMPO: Wait, Stlunko, you can't go yet! You have to tell our fans about being a robot and stuff.

STLUNKO: Right.

{Stlunko's antenna is visible moving to the center of the bottom part of the screen. As Stlunko talks, the text is typed in.}

STLUNKO: Being a robot is all about conveyer belts. Big, huge conveyer belts that double as wheels. {stops typing} Now I need to help Brody. {leaves}

TAMPO: Okay. So... I hope you enjoyed our little performance, audience. Sorry about me forgetting my lines and stuff... won't happen again, I hope. So until next time... send me more emails. Lots more. Because I only have two, and not the two hundred or so I need. At least, I think I only had two at this point. I need to check...

{A pop-up appears on screen saying, "Click here to email Tampo!"}

TAMPO: Cut! That's enough of this.

{Tampo floats over and camera follows, showing Brody's legs are leaned against a cracked wall, little squashed robot remains lay crushed underneath. Brody is obviously dazed. Stlunko seems to be scanning Brody.}

TAMPO: Well, that email both sucked and bl... er... blooped.

BRODY: {recovering} Yes... it did.

STLUNKO: And it is already public.

TAMPO: Sorry about screwing up my lines, guys. Maybe I'll be able to...

{Suddenly Tampo flashes with electricity.}

TAMPO: ZOW!! Hey, that was- {zapped again} YOW!!! Please stop, I- {zapped again} OUCH!!!

{Fade to the private chamber. Stlunko and Brody and standing here, looking worriedly at Tampo, who seems to be floating in a trance. The SaargtScreen II is blank. Stlunko is holding up two wires connected to a battery and is making them touch Tampo, giving him electrical zaps. Suddenly Tampo wakes up.}

TAMPO: Jeez!! That hurts!!! {looks around} Huh... I'm back here?

BRODY: Yay, he's alive!

STLUNKO: Yes, Tampo. You are back.

TAMPO: Well, that's nice, I suppose. I didn't mess up the time stream too badly did I?

STLUNKO: No, you did not really time travel at all. Whatever you experienced, it was all a dream.

TAMPO: Dream? All a dream?

BRODY: A hallucination, actually.

STLUNKO: The words you spoke from the email were actually some sort of ancient voodoo spell. It places the speaker into a trance, where they have to relive some of their most embarrassing moments.

TAMPO: Oh. That's... contrived.

BRODY: So where'd you go? Us losing all our MeritPoints? Being scammed by Liekand? The "Girlfriend Incident"?

TAMPO: Uh... our first email.

BRODY: Oh. Looking back, I guess it was a pretty lame and embarrassing email... maybe. Actually, no, it wasn't. Your voodoo adventures stink.

TAMPO: Hey—

STU: {offscreen} Tampo! Tampo!

TAMPO: Huh?

{The boss trio turn to the room's entrance and see Stu floating there along with a crowd of Frotzers and Gaspeaus.}

BRODY: Okay...

STU: We are now going to sing this song in honor of Tampo's awesomeness! All together, friends: One, two, three...

MINION CROWD: {singing together} Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Tamp—

STLUNKO: Stop. Stop!

{The crowd of minions stop singing.}

STU: What?

STLUNKO: That song is copyrighted to Warner Chappell of Time Warner Inc. You cannot be singing it on our public email show.

STU: That's nonsense!

STLUNKO: It is true.

STU: Yeah, well... that's just dumb. C'mon guys, let's go eat that cake.

{The crowds disperse out of the room.}

TAMPO: It's not my birthday... I think.

BRODY: Nah. They're just crazy. {goes to the back of the SaargtScreen II} Who wants muffins? {holds up a few}

{Both Tampo and Stlunko just stare at him. Fade to a Swiss Cake Roll with a candle sticking out of it. Beneath it, in curly text is "Happy birthday, Tampo Emails!"}

Easter Eggs

Click on Saargtsson when he says "worthless minions budget" to see the budget. It will disappear after a few seconds.

{A leather bag appears onscreen, partly open. Visible inside are three five-dollar bills, a penny, and a stick of bubble gum.}

At the end of the email, click on the candle to see another scene.

NARRATOR: It began as the world's most awesome email show thing of all time. Uh... Not really... but still.

{Cut to a picture of Tampo in front of the Plasma 2000.}

NARRATOR: A simple brain wearing no pants emailed his way into the heart of the nation. Now, for his greatest adventure yet, he will email...INTO THEATERS!!

{Cut to a real-life computer desk. Suddenly a real brain falls from above and plops onto the desk, spewing out a few brain juices.}

VOICE: {nasally voice trying to imitate Tampo} Where's my email...?

{A computer monitor falls down next to him, broken.}

VOICE: {Tampo imiator} STINKOMAAAAANN!!!!

Fun Facts

This email celebrates the one-year birthday of Tampo Emails. Tampo Emails were set up and the first Tampo Email, "robot body", was released exactly one year before this, on March 29th, 2005.
The whole middle section is based on the original first email.
This is the latest email since "biggest fan" to have been entirely written in one sitting.
The boss trio lost their SaargtScreen at the end of the previous email, "time stream", where they also saved the Lava Zone from An Ice Machine.
Tampo's email rap in the pseudo-flashback is actually from his second email.
"Sucked and bl****" is from the I-SBEmail "party", except with the moderately offensive word uncensored.
The embarrassing moments Brody mentioned are from "inspection", tornado guy" and "girlfriend", respectively.
The classic song Happy Birthday to You is indeed owned by Warner Chappell of Time Warner Inc.. Public or commercial use of it is copyright infringement. (Private birthday parties are okay, though.)
The Swiss Cake Roll with the candle in it is a reference to a similar cake featured in the end of the Strong Bad Email "50 emails".
The second Easter egg is a big reference to the Peasant's Quest Movie Trailer.

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