Other Character Email Tampo/clear out

From Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki

< Other Character Email Tampo

Jump to: navigation, search

Tampo Email #37: "clear out"

Summary: Per Saargtsson's instructions, Tampo attempts to clear out his inbox.

Cast (in order of appearance): Tampo, Saargtsson, Brody, Stlunko, Stu, Gaspeaus, Poorbts, Frotzers, Gokuls, Andross

Places: Saargtsson's Chamber, Private Chamber, Lava Zone Arena, Lylat System, Gokul Feeding Chamber

Length: 261 Lines

Date: December 5, 2005

Transcript

{Cut to Saargtsson's private lair in the lava zone, which is a large room with two lava falls falling next to stone carved out into a pedestrial, on which Saargtsson lies. Tampo enters and goes up to Saargtsson.}

TAMPO: I finished, Saargtsson.

SAARGTSSON: Okay... did you fffeed the Gokulsss?

TAMPO: {exasperated} Yes, Saargtsson.

SAARGTSSON: Clear out the collasssped tunnellssssss?

TAMPO: Yes, Saargtsson.

SAARGTSSON: Recharge my electronicssssss?

TAMPO: Yes, Saargtsson.

SAARGTSSON: {quickly} Polisssh the Poorbtssssss? Milk the Gokulsss? Fressshen the lavvva? Masssage the Frotzzzersss? Defffeat Ssstinkoman?

TAMPO: Yes, yes, yes, yes and yes! Jeez...

SAARGTSSON: You guysss havvve been fffreakin' workhorsssesssssss. Sssssss... havvve you done thhhem twice ovvver?

TAMPO: YES!!

SAARGTSSON: Oh, okay. Well, um, there are ssstill a fffew more hoursss today... I can't let you offffff afffter that disssapperanccce a fffew daysss ago... um... {lengthly pause} I'vvve got it. {slithers off the pedestrial} It hasss come to my attention thhhat your inbox has a fffew more fffan emailsss thhhan mine.

TAMPO: Do you even check your emails anymore?

SAARGTSSON: Quiet! Ifff I checked them, thhhey would disssappear.

TAMPO: That logic never worked for me...

SAARGTSSON: Sssshhhh... anyway, I want you to empty out your entire inbox. Today! You cannot havvve more emailsss than your massster! Now begone!

TAMPO: {excited} Yes, Saargtsson.

{Tampo leaves. Fade to Brody and Stlunko in the boss trio's room. Stlunko is powering up and Brody is resting on a long mattress. Tampo floats in.}

TAMPO: Great news, guys.

{Brody groggily gets up and Stlunko retracts his extension cord.}

BRODY: {groggily} What- what happened?

TAMPO: We have to answer emails! Saargtsson's orders!

STLUNKO: How many?

TAMPO: All of them, so we better get started.

STLUNKO: Okay. That makes my little invention that I made in my spare time more useful.

BRODY: You had spare time?!

STLUNKO: Yes. {sticks an antenna onto the SaargtScreen} The voice input device. Allows you to have limited control over it with voice commanders, such as "Email", "Delete" and "Next".

TAMPO: Cool, let's do it! Let's see... last time I checked we had... ninety-one emails. Let's begin. {email} Mega email-mail, mega email-mail; it's time for a mega multi-email-mail!

{An email pops up and Tampo reads it, as he does with all the following emails.}

CSS:/>openmail: Email #91

Dear Tampop,
Since your inbox is sooooo crammed with e-mail,
you might as well do another "Multiple e-mail" type.
With about 30 or 10. Your choice.
-Waiting patiently,
Amy Whifflepoof

TAMPO: That's a great idea! Let's do it now! ...next.

BRODY: Heh. Couldn't do much with that email.

CSS:/>openmail: Email #90

Dear Tampo,
Your inbox seems to be overflowing. Why don't
you do another multi-email email? Your inbox
sure could use it.
-Mr. Cradgage

TAMPO: That's a great idea! Let's do it now!

BRODY: Another one?!

STLUNKO: These first two emails were too easy. Let us hope we get emails that we can answer next.

TAMPO: Next!

CSS:/>openmail: Email #89

Dear Tampo,

I drank too much salty plum soda.

-Stu

BRODY: Who's Stu?

TAMPO: I don't know.

STU: {offscreen} I am!

{The boss trio turns around and the camera pans to show a Gaspeau in the room's entrance with a saggy underbelly.}

STU: I need help! I drank way too much salty plum soda and I've been battling- {burps} indigestion ever since! No one's been able to- {burps} help me.

STLUNKO: I know how to cure overdoses of salty plum soda.

STU: Really? {burps} Awesome! Cure me! Cure me!

{As everyone watches, Stlunko pulls out a small pail from behind him and places it on the ground. He then gently grabs the Gaspeau's two tentacles, lifts him over the pail and starts squeezing it like an utter. Purple soda squeezes out into the pail. When he finishes in a few seconds, the Gaspeau's belly is normal and the pail is full.}

STU: I feel... empty. I gotta refuel! {quickly floats away}

STLUNKO: {grabs the small pail and holds it to Brody} Want some?

BRODY: Ew, no!

STLUNKO: Okay.

{He throws it into the lava pool to the left, and it explodes in a small green blast.}

TAMPO: Well that was random. And sort of disgusting. Next!

CSS:/>openmail: Email #88

Hey Tamps!
If you Brody and Stlunko got in a fight,
who would win?
-TheCheese

{Brody and Stlunko glance at each other.}

TAMPO: {energetically} Let's set that up right now!

{Cut to a HUGE underground cavern, similar to an arena. There are stands built in around with Poorbts, Gaspeaus, Frotzers and Gokuls sitting in them, cheering. Brody and Stlunko are in the center of the arena, facing each other. Tampo is above them.}

TAMPO: {over a loudspeaker} Attention minions of the Lava Zone! You have just been taken out of continuity to watch the fight of the centery: BRODY VERSUS STLUNKO!!! FIGHT!

{Brody charges at Stlunko, who puts his hand in front of Brody's leg. Brody runs into it and falls down, barely missing Stlunko. Pained "Oooh"'s are heard from the crowd.}

BRODY: Oof!

STLUNKO: I have learned your fighting style, Brody.

{Brody hops back up only to hit his hand on Stlunko's fist, which was floating over him. Brody quickly starts to recover with a low sweeping spin and hits Stlunko's side. Stlunko is barely scathed, but Brody starts jumping up and down on his other foot.}

BRODY: Oww! Owwoww! Ouch! Ow!

STLUNKO: This is too easy.

{Stlunko grabs Brody's good leg and pulls it back, knocking Brody into the ground face first.}

TAMPO: Match set!

{Cheers erupt from the crowd. Cut back to the SaargtScreen.}

TAMPO: That was fun! Next!

BRODY: No it wasn't...

CSS:/>openmail: Email #87

Dear Tampo,
Are you related to Andross?

TAMPO: Umm...

{Cut to outer space in the Lylat System. Andross, a giant monkey head with two floating hands is here along with Tampo.}

TAMPO: Dad!

ANDROSS: Son!

{Tampo quickly floats up to Andross, who grabs him in his arms and hugs him close. Cut back to the SaargtScreen.}

TAMPO: No.

STLUNKO: Do not worry, he is not. I think.

TAMPO: I'm not. I hope. Next!

CSS:/>openmail: Email #86

Dear Stlunko,
Did you know that if you wash your hands with
dish soap they'll be cleaner and softer?
-Denny's menu,
West Bloomfield, MI.

TAMPO: This is your email, Stlunko.

STLUNKO: Yes Denny the Menu, I knew that. But did you know that if you wash them with shampoo heated at precisely 10 degrees Celsius makes my hands harder and more resistant to damage. It is true.

BRODY: You wash your hands with shampoo? I didn't even know you had shampoo!

STLUNKO: I borrow yours. It creates a chemical reaction with the minerals in my hands.

BRODY: Eww... I use that for my feathers.

TAMPO: I didn't even know we had showers down here.

STLUNKO: We do. They are small, built for minions. But I can still use them a little, with much difficulty.

TAMPO: I'll have to check those out. But for now... Next!

CSS:/>openmail: Email #85

Dear Tampon,
Do you bleed? And are there any
female bosses you know?

Please leave the moon for no raisin,
-Barry Trotter and Ermine Cringer,
Hogwash

TAMPO: Okay...

BRODY: Tampon? Eww...

STLUNKO: Tampon. A usually disposable plug that a woman inserts into her—

BRODY: STOP!!! Jeez, no one wants to know about that. Let's try to keep this G... PG... ish.

TAMPO: Thanks, Brody. Anyway Grossie, your gross, I don't bleed, I don't know any female boses... and sure, I'll leave the moon for no raisin. Okay, next.

CSS:/>openmail: Email #84

Hey Tampo!
How do you type when your a huge brain and/or chicken with no hands?
Poopfully yours,
An Eskimo

TAMPO: Okay Eskimo Bob, I type with voice commands. Or Stlunko. But usally I don't even type at all. Duh. Jeez, why do I always get crappy emails during these multi-email episodes?

BRODY: Bad luck?

TAMPO: Probably. Next. And make it a good one.

STLUNKO: That is not a set voice command.

CSS:/>openmail: Email #83

Dear Tampy,
Do people find it strange that you're a floating,
giant brain?
--The pizza blob guy

TAMPO: I see. If these are freakin' Gokuls sending these crapmails, I'll have to go on a squishing spree.

{Cut to the Gokul Feeding Chamber. A Gokul is in front of a computer and is apparently watching the email on a red pop-up.}

TAMPO: {from computer} ...a squishing spree.

{The Gokul squeals in fear and slowly starts sliding away from the computer as fast as he can, which isn't fast. Cut back to the SaargtScreen.}

TAMPO: So anyway, edible blobby... guy, nope, no one seems to find it strange that I'm a floating, giant brain. But then again no one finds this giant mutant chicken strange.

BRODY: It's true.

TAMPO: Or the giant robot with a wall on his head.

STLUNKO: It is not a wall.

TAMPO: And no one finds lava snakes strange, or giant green aliens with pink spots, or small white guys with shields for hands, or fat chickens that can spit out bones, or small cup-like robots that bounce like springs, or fat mice who can bend air, or giant living ice machines, or living electrical plugs...

{The screen fades to black, and then fades back to the same scene.}

TAMPO: ...or armless whiteys with robot boots, or stick figures with no visible face, or blobs of worthlessness that secrete lava, or cyborg ducks, or time travel, or armless robots that can-

BRODY: Next!

TAMPO: {caught offguard} What? No fair, I was still answering that.

CSS:/>openmail: Email #82

Dear T&B&S,
Can you guys fuse? Cool!! Yes/No
Do you know what Hamsheeps are? No/Yes
If so, BUY AN ALAMO T-SHIRT!!! Yes/Yes
Who can say where the road goes? Can you? Why/Who cares
Sans Serif Sheriff.

TAMPO: Man, emails these days... okay, let's answer this one at a time. Can we fuse? No, I don't think so. But there's only one way to find out.

BRODY: What?

{Tampo tries to float into Brody, pushing him and making him trip and fall onto Stlunko, taking Tampo down with him.}

TAMPO: {pained} No. We can't.

{They slowly get back up.}

TAMPO: And now... um... No, yes and who cares. Stupid... gibberish emails... Next.

CSS:/>openmail: Email #81

Dear the quite probably and/or possibly undefeatable trio,
Is a shoe? If so, WHY is a shoe?
-From the Shadow Scythe who is now AGAINST SBia.

TAMPO: Uh... is a shoe? Now I'm confused.

BRODY: Hey, you know, it only takes one guy to answer an email.

STLUNKO: Good point.

BRODY: Tampo, me and Stlunko are going to go explore and maybe have some fun. You can stay here and keep... checking emails.

TAMPO: What?

STLUNKO: You alone can check emails just as well as we can together. We do not enjoy emails quite as much as you do.

TAMPO: Fine, leave. I don't need you two.

BRODY: Hooray! {leaves the room}

{Stlunko slowly follows.}

TAMPO: I don't need them. I can answer these next eighty emails myself. Let's see... is a shoe...?

{Fade to black with the following text.}

A few hours later...

{Fade back to the SaargtScreen. Tampo is saggy and his eye is red and half open. An email is on the SaargtScreen, which Tampo stares at before replying, as he does with all the following emails.}

CSS:/>openmail: Email #3

Dear minor slaves,
Do you not know who I am?
I rule your 'master' and I started the Great Stinkoman War.
You're next on the 'to become slaves' list.
Sincerely wanting you to die,
The Shadowy Figure

TAMPO: {trance-like} I... don't care... next...

CSS:/>openmail: Email #2

Dear Tampo
DON'T let Stlunko get anymore knowladge! If you do, he will
become a giant robot, so powerfull and hungry for knowladge,
he will overthrow the Master and take over the world!
Warning you,
-NachoMan

TAMPO: Coooool...

{Brody and Stlunko enter the room. Stlunko has a large party hat on his antenna. They go over to Tampo.}

BRODY: Man, for being a total jerk, that Zyves sure can throw a secret party.

STLUNKO: It was okay. How are you doing Tampo? You do not look so good.

TAMPO: Uh... next...

CSS:/>openmail: Email #1

Dear Noblest of boss trios,

Please jump a shark.
Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern- schplenden- schlitter- crasscrenbon- fried- digger- dingle- dangle- dongle- dungle- burstein- von- knacker- thrasher- apple- banger- horowitz- ticolensic- grander- knotty- spelltinkle- grandlich- grumblemeyer- spelterwasser- kurstlich- himbleeisen- bahnwagen- gutenabend- bitte- ein- nürnburger- bratwustle- gerspurten- mitz- weimache- luber- hundsfut- gumberaber- shönedanker- kalbsfleisch- mittler- aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm

STLUNKO: The last email. Perfect timing on our part. Congratulations, Tampo.

BRODY: I didn't think you'd be able to do it, man. We'll let you handle this one by yourself.

TAMPO: Fine... {replying} Okay... maybe later... next...

STLUNKO: What? Was that the entire reply?

TAMPO: I dunno...

{Meanwhile, the following message appears onscreen.}

You have no new message(s).

STLUNKO: I cannot have you answering emails like that. It goes against my programming. How many emails did you answer like that?

TAMPO: I dunno...

STLUNKO: That is bad. Now I have to recover all the emails that I did not see get answered.

TAMPO: Awesome...

BRODY: You really do not look too good. I'll have to get you some rest. Stupid Saargtsson, forcing you to overwork yourself like that. Come here, I know where some relaxing hot springs are...

{Brody leaves the room with Tampo slowly following. Stlunko begins to type stuff onto the SaargtScreen. The camera zooms into it and the following message appears onscreen.}

A:/> Click here to email Tampo.

Easter Eggs

At the end of the email, click on Stlunko's antenna to see the following scene.

{Tampo is in a lonely Lava Zone chamber. His eyes are red-ish and crazed, and he's quivering.}

TAMPO: Y-y-yes, I l-love that s-s-s-s-stuff. N-next! {turns around} N-n-no, of course n-not. Next. {turns} I-I-I-I'll let S-S-S-Stlunko handle t-that one. N-n-next.

{Saargtsson quietly crawls in.}

SAARGTSSON: {hissing laughter} Jussst asss I planned.

TAMPO: {twirling around in horror} The emails! They're- th-they're everywhere!

Fun Facts

Only the first ten emails were used up. And the eleventh one will be deleted as well, because there really isn't any answer for it. The rest will stay in Tampo's inbox until they good answered properly.
Saargtsson having fan emails and not updating in a while relates to Other Character Email Saargtsson, which hadn't updated in months at the time of this emails release.
- It is interesting to note that Saargtsson Emails updated a few days after this email was released.
The email from Stu is a secret email found when you mouse over Strong Bad Emails on the Toons Menu.
Andross is a disembodied monkey head with floating hands, and is the main villain of the Star Fox series.
A tampon is... click the link if you really want to know.
Eskimo Bob is a Flash animated series.
The "pizza blob guy" email was revealed to have been sent by a Gokul in an Easter egg in Tampo Email #32: "poorbt-mail."
The things that Tampo says that people don't find strange are respectively: Tampo, Brody, Stlunko, Saargtsson, NEB-1, Astromunds, Stobats, Jaros, Liekand, Ice Machine, Proteks, 1-Up, The Master, Gokuls, Zyves and Greggos.

Quick Links

Other Character Email Tampo/clear out

From Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki

Contents

Transcript

Easter Eggs

Fun Facts

Quick Links

Views

Personal tools

Navigation

Search

Toolbox

External Links