Other Character Email Tampo/nausea

From Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki

Tampo Email #45: "nausea"

Summary: Tampo talks about germs and viruses. Brody gets sick. Coincidence?!

Cast (in order of appearance): Tampo, Brody, Stlunko, Saargtsson, Poorbts, Frotzers, Gaspeaus, Hospital Staff, Minion Larva

Places: Private Chamber, Saargtsson's Lair, Waiting Room, Lava Zone Hospital, Lava Zone Nursery

Length: 115 Lines

Date: December 15, 2006

Transcript

{Tampo, Brody and Stlunko are at the SaargtScreen II.}

TAMPO: Email time, oh, email time. Forty-nine days after e... uhh, not email time.

STLUNKO: Installing the email browser shortcut... now. {pushes button}

{The computer beeps and displays an email, which Tampo reads.}

CSS:/>openmail: Sickness

Dear Tampo
I've seem to notice how you never get sick.
How do you stay so healthy all the time?
~Death

TAMPO: Well, err... "death", I stay healthy because I'm pretty sure it's physically impossible for me to get sick! Here, let me show you by this very scientific-looking graph I made.

{A bluish piece of graphing paper rolls out onto the screen. On is a crudely drawn Tampo on the left and some similarally drawn microorganisms on the right. Below them is the text "1 > 0", with 1 below Tampo and 0 below the germs.}

TAMPO: So as you can see, there are zero germs out there that are built to infect the one tampobrain. Therefore I defeat them mathematically and stay healthy and strong. Some people such as Saargtsson aren't so lucky!

{Another piece of paper rolls over, this one with drawings of Saargtsson and blue microscopic viruses. Below them is the text "1 < 94719540185420342985".}

TAMPO: According to my very thorough and not-made-up research, he is vastly outnumbered and that is why he got sick!

{Cut to Saargtsson alone in this throne room. He is an icy blue in color and looks like he has a cold.}

SAARGTSSON: Ssstupid cold... {achoo!} I can't make sssure thossse... {sniff} ssstupid large underlingsss of mine aren't... {coughs painfully} Ugh... ssslacking offff on thhheir jobsss.

{Cut back to the boss trio.}

STLUNKO: Plus he was working in cold enviroments he is not designed for.

TAMPO: Lava snakes and ice do not mix, apparently. Anyway... {the pieces of paper roll away} that's that. Stlunko on the other hand can get sick. With computer viruses!

STLUNKO: My firewalls and security systems are top notch, Tampo. The only time I was ever infected was when the RealityBendX virus attacked. And even you got modified by that one time.

TAMPO: But I'm not a computer, so it doesn't count.

STLUNKO: But—

TAMPO: Quiet, fool. {awkward pause} So Brody, how be things on your end of the gene pool?

{Tampo faces Brody, who looks a little tired and sickly.}

TAMPO: Err... Brody, are you okay? Did you not get enough sleep?

BRODY: It's not that, Tampo. I just... feel sick to my stomach. {urp!}

TAMPO: O der. Um, think we should take you to the doctor?

STLUNKO: You are getting hot.

BRODY: No, no, I'm fine. I'm... I'm... AAAARRRRRGGGGLLLBLBLLBLBL!!!

{Brody spews out a giant blob of nasty bright green puke onto the floor. It splatters, nearly hitting Tampo, who backs up.}

TAMPO: Hey hey hey hey! Watch the puke!

{Brody looks exhausted and sick.}

STLUNKO: I cannot immediately identify the sickness. You are going to the Lava Zone doctor right now.

{Brody instantly complies, and Stlunko leads the him out of the chamber. Tampo follows from a distance. Soon they are all out. Cue suspenseful, creepy music, as the camera slowly focuses on the blob of puke. Suddenly the puke slithers away.}

{Cut to a corridor in the Lava Zone. There is a large curtain over the far end, and it appears to be a waiting room. There are a few other minions sitting around, and some Poorbt nurses keeping people out of the curtained off area. It appears to be a waiting room. Tampo and Stlunko seem to be "sitting" here as well, looking a little nervous.}

{Zoom into the curtain and fade into an actual hospital chamber. The rocky walls are bleached white, there's various equipment lying around and hanging on the wall. Brody is here, being tended by a Poorbt doctor.}

DOCTOR: {holding up a vial of green goop} Hmm... I don't have any records of this particular disorder before. How do you feel?

BRODY: {burps} Really, really nauseous.

DOCTOR: Hmm... let me think... have you eaten anything weird or tainted lately?

BRODY: Uh, not that I can think of at the moment.

DOCTOR: Okay then, here, swallow this. It should help. {produces a single tiny pill} Uhh... give me a second.

{He goes into a closet and comes out pushing a pile of similar pills.}

DOCTOR: Here, eat these. They should help the pain go away.

{Brody bends down and chomps up all the pills, easily swallowing them with another burp. He waits and nothing seems to happen. But suddenly, he starts writhing on the floor in uncontrollable spasms.}

DOCTOR: Orrrr... it could have a terrible chemical reaction.

{Suddenly Brody stops. He doesn't look so sick anymore.}

BRODY: Urgh... what happened? Am I better?

{As Brody tries getting up, he finds himself unable to. His legs become wobbly as he bends them, almost like jello.}

BRODY: Unh!

{He falls over and loses consciousness.}

DOCTOR: I think I might have just made a mistake. Uhh...

{The camera focuses on the Poorbt doctor's face. Suddenly glorping and churning and all sorts of unpleasant sounds are heard, and the poor doctor looks terrified.}

DOCTOR: Ahhh! Plague! Possibly a new pandemic maybe! I don't know what it is... but it can't be good. I don't get paid enough for this!!

{The doctor runs of the room screaming as the strange sounds continue.}

{Cut back to the waiting room, where everyone is sitting patiently. All of a sudden the Poorbt doctor bursts out.}

DOCTOR: Something terrible has broken out! I don't know what it is! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!

{Suddenly the entire waiting room is thrown into chaos. Tampo and Stlunko are relatively calm, but all the minions quickly start screaming and running around in circles. The doctor breaks through the crowd and runs down a corridor, and most of the minions follow, except the ones that got knocked out in the panic. Tampo and Stlunko look at each other.}

TAMPO: Should we get Brody?

STLUNKO: {beeps} He is not in the hospital; I cannot lock onto his DNA. He must have escaped through the back. But there is something bizarre in there, so I suggest we get somewhere safe.

TAMPO: Alright, but we need to find him. He could be in danger.

{Tampo and Stlunko leave the room.}

{Cut to a black scene.}

BRODY: {hearing his thoughts} Oooog, my head. What happened?

{The scene fades into a first person view of the hospital room, which is empty and silent.}

BRODY: Where's the doctor? Am I okay...? The queasiness is gone, but... I can't feel my legs! Uhh... I feel stiff. I better call for the doc.

BRODY: {out loud} SQUEEEEE!!!

BRODY: What the heck? Why can't I...?

BRODY: Squee! SqueeEEE!!

BRODY: Huh?! Wait, I feel... oh no!

{The camera zips out into a third person perspective, showing that Brody is now a Pink Cham Cham.}

BRODY: Gah! What happened?! I'm a Pink Cham Cham, I think... it must've been that one I ate. This really, uhh... isn't good. I need to find the doctor.

{Brody the Pink Cham Cham starts to slither off towards the door, but he has a hard time controlling his direction. He also accidentally fires two lasers from his metalic appendages.}

BRODY: Squoo...

{Brody successfully leaves the room.}

{Cut to a new hospital room, uneffected by the craziness the Poorbt Doctor caused. We see that the Pink Cham Cham has managed to get the attention of a Frotzer nurse.}

NURSE: Fascinating, a Pink Cham Cham. Where have you been all this time, you cute little thing you?

BRODY: SqueeeeeEE!

NURSE: That's great. Now let's see here... {looks at some papers a machine is printed out} Why, it seems that according to this data, you've recently been altered into this form. So you used to be a regular minion, huh?

BRODY: Squohh...squee!

NURSE: A what? A gaspeau? Is that what you used to be? Well, I'm sure you'll love being a Pink Cham Cham. They have such a fascinating history. I'll put you in the nursery until Saargtsson decides what to do with you.

{Suddenly a Poorbt wearing a sanitation mask comes in and carries Brody off. Cut to a room full of cribs, many filled with baby Gokuls and what looks like Frotzer and Gaspeau larva. Brody is dropped by the Poorbt into a crib next to a small Gokul. The nurse is following.}

NURSE: Enjoy your stay here, Cham Cham. I'll go talk to my superiors.

{The Frotzer nurse and Poorbt leave. Brody is now trapped in the room full of babies.}

BRODY: Ugh, this sucks. I never should've listened to Tampo and eaten that thing.

BABY GOKUL: {to Brody} Are you my mommy?

BRODY: Please be quiet.

BABY GOKUL: Feed me! Feed me! FEEEED MEEE!!!!

{Brody sighs. The screen slowly begins to pan up. Lining the ceiling are various balloons and banners reading stuff like "It's a boy!" and "It's a girl!". One of them reads, "Click here to email Tampo."}

Easter Eggs

Click on Tampo when he says lava snakes and ice don't mix to see another blueprint calculation.

{crude drawing of lava} ≠ {block of ice}

Click on Tampo when he explains Stlunko's virus to see yet another calulation.

{drawing of Stlunko} + {drawing of RealityBendX virus} = sick!

Click on the farthest "It's a boy!" banner at the end to see an additional scene.

BABY GOKUL: I'm hungry!!!!!

BRODY: What am I supposed to do about that?!

BABY GOKUL: You smell delicious.

BRODY: You are not eating me. Now shut up. {angrily zaps the Gokul with a laser beam}

BABY GOKUL: Yummmm... More, MORE!!

Fun Facts

The email rap is based off of the Decemberween song seen in The Best Decemberween Ever.
Saargtsson was first seen to be sick in "firewall". That is also when Brody ate the Pink Cham Cham causing his sickness. Pink Cham Chams were revealed to be a rare creature previously thought to be extinct. Tampo refering himself as a "tampobrain" refers to the game's main title Thy TampoBrain XVII.
The RealityBendX virus refered to here struck in the email "virus".
"O der" is a phrase meaning "Oh dear" that Shadow Scythe coined.
"AAAARRRRRGGGGLLLBLBLLBLBL!!!" is an inside joke on the Homestar Runner Wiki Forum.

Quick Links

Other Character Email Tampo/nausea

From Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki

Contents

Transcript

Easter Eggs

Fun Facts

Quick Links

Views

Personal tools

Navigation

Search

Toolbox

External Links