Other Character Email Tampo/security

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Tampo Email #24: "security"

Summary: After receiving another threatening email, Tampo decides to do a total loyalty scan on all of his minions. Meanwhile, our little Jaro friend is having troubles of his own.

Cast (in order of appearance): Tampo, Brody, Stlunko, Muted Jaro's Friend, Greggos, Chorches, Jaros, Terrells, Grundies, Stobats, Muted Jaro, Cheerleader (Easter Egg), So and So (Easter Egg), What's Her Face (Easter Egg), The Ugly One (Easter Egg), Private Joe (Easter Egg), Firebert (Easter Egg), The Man with the Huge Mouth (Easter Egg)

Places: Computer Room, A Hallway, Robot Construction Lab, Announcement Room, TGS World (Easter Egg)

Length: 178 Lines

Date: July 5, 2005

Contents

Transcript

{The three bosses are in the Computer Room in front of the SuperCom.}

TAMPO: So it wasn't that Chorch worker's fault?

SUPERCOM: I repeat, a glitch from the virus occured and overloaded those wires. The Chorch did not make an error in his maitenance.

BRODY: Man, it seems like this virus isn't quitting.

SUPERCOM: Progress towards fully eradicating the virus is slow.

STLUNKO: And my scans suggest that sometimes progress ceases or reverses.

TAMPO: Well, I hope you get fully repaired soon.

BRODY: Stlunko, do you think you could help the SuperCom recover?

STLUNKO: I might. Not right now, however. It would require some time.

TAMPO: Well, let's see if it can still run emails. Stlunko, get an email up there.

STLUNKO: Okay.

TAMPO: {email rap} Email to the up and email to the down.

{An email is displayed without any errors occuring. Tampo reads it.}

{Tampo says the name confused and slow, like "Mo- to- ko... Ku- sa- nah... gi?" He pronouces "gi" with hard G and long E sounds.}

TAMPO: Well Mojo Jojo, I guess I control military equipment. But it's my military equipment. For my military.

BRODY: Yeah, we don't have any government weapons or anything.

TAMPO: But if you are stil considering executing me, I'm warning you that I have the most sophicated and strong defense system off the face of the earth.

STLUNKO: Which has recently been compromised due to the betrayal of a certain commander.

BRODY: So what do we do? I mean, this email is probably a joke, but what if it's real?

TAMPO: We need to get our security back up. I don't want to be executed by some weird Japanese person.

STLUNKO: We need to do what you suggested earlier. We need to get entire army and scan their CPUs and brains for any traitorous thoughts.

BRODY: Can you do that?

STLUNKO: I cannot by myself, but we have a device that can.

BRODY: Good. Let's do it.

STLUNKO: We can completely brainwash any minions who want to betray us before they do anything bad.

TAMPO: It's important for us to have a completely loyal army as soon as possible. Let's go.

{The three leave the room. The screen fades to black and white words form.}

{Screen fades back to a Jaro who is bouncing back and forth nervously. He is in a hallway. Nearby there is an open door that leads to a busy workstation where robots are being built by Greggos and Chorches.}

THE JARO: {nervously} Ugh. C'mon buddy, hang in there. Man, I'm storing my friend's brain chip in my body, but it'll run out of energy soon and deactivate permanently! I need to get a new body for him.

{The Jaro goes to the open door and peaks in, but then stops looking.}

THE JARO: If only I were allowed in there. Stupid... stupid... I need a lucky break! Quickly!

{Suddenly speakers in the roof start blaring the same message.}

SPEAKERS: {Tampo's voice} This is your master Tampo speaking. Every minion must stop what you are doing and come to the announcement room this instant. I repeat, every minion must stop what you are doing to come to the announcement room. Failure to comply is punishable by deactivation or death. I repeat, come instantly!

{Several machines in the workstation deactivate and all the Greggos and Chorches working in there quickly dash out and zip down the hall, opposite of the Jaro.}

THE JARO: {after the stampede is gone} This is it! If I can get through this speech fast enough, I might be able to get here before everyone else and put my friend in a new body. I have an idea. {quickly bounces away} Ooh, I hope this works.

{Screen fades to the black screen with white text again.}

{Cut to a announcement room. The three bosses are on an elevated platform. A large crowd of all their minions is below.}

TAMPO: Okay, is everyone in here?

STLUNKO: Scanning... affirmitive. All registered minions are in here. Scans throughout the warehouse are revealing no robot or chicken minions elsewhere.

BRODY: That's good.

TAMPO: Okay. Ahem. {over loudspeakers} Hello, all you minions. Some of you have probably heard of the traitorous acts of Chorch Commander #20, am I correct?

{Mumbling is heard throughout the crowd.}

TAMPO: For those who do not know, he was a traitor and tried to make a deal with Stinkoman that would lead to my destruction.

{More mumbling.}

TAMPO: But fear not, for he was destroyed. And his traitorous plan with him.

{The mumbles increase and as the crowd becomes for excited.}

TAMPO: Silence!

{The mumbling instantly ceases.}

TAMPO: Okay, now what I'm going to do here is-

VOICE FROM CROWD: Excuse me, great master Tampo, sir.

BRODY: {rolls eyes} What now? {this and the continuing conversation is not spoken into loudspeaker}

TAMPO: What is it?

{A single minion breaks out from the crowd, standing by himself in front of it. By his voice, you can tell he's the Jaro from earlier.}

THE JARO: {does a Jaro-style bow by lowering his top sections into his bottom sections} I am sorry, great master, but I have something very urgent to do. I need to get back to it right away. {stops bowing} Can I be excused?

TAMPO: What could be more urgent than this meeting?

THE JARO: Well, um, you see, I was creating a powerful new weapon, but, eh... it needs constant attention or else it will... deactivate permamently...?

TAMPO: Hmm... {eyes Jaro suspiciously, then turns to his two friends}

BRODY: Should we let him go?

TAMPO: I think he might have been related to the traitor. He might know what we're going to do.

STLUNKO: Should I scan him before you give or deny him permission?

TAMPO: Yeah, good idea. Go ahead.

THE JARO: Umm... masters? Can I get back to work?

{Stlunko aims a weird, glowing ray gun at the Jaro and pulls the trigger. No visible projectile or laser is launched, but it apparently gave Stlunko a report.}

STLUNKO: No traitorous thoughts are in his processors. He is completely safe.

TAMPO: Oh. Okay. {over loudspeaker} Alright Jaro, you may go.

THE JARO: {bows again} Thank you, great master. {gets up and quickly jumps into the crowd, where he is obscured}

TAMPO: {pauses} Okay... {over loudspeaker} Is there anybody else who has urgent work?

{Mumbles are heard throughout the crowd, and some YES's and NO's are audible.}

TAMPO: Too bad. Now, as I was saying, we are going to...

{Tampo's voice fades away as the screen turns black and white text appears.}

{The Jaro is standing in a currently deserted robot construction lab. There are several robot parts lying around, but right now the Jaro is focusing on a bunch of completed, but empty, Greggo bodies in the middle of the room.}

THE JARO: Okay, buddy. It looks like you'll get a second chance. Let's see... hmm... there don't seem to be any open Jaro bodies here. Well, beggars can't be choosers. I guess a Greggo body will have to do.

{The Jaro jumps on the closest empty Greggo body and compresses it. Then an ejecting sound is heard as the Jaro shoots his friend's brain chip out of his lower section and into the empty Greggo body. The Jaro jumps off and watches as the body activates, his friend controlling it.}

REACTIVATED GREGGO: I'm- I'm alive?

THE JARO: Yeah. I reactivated you. That's what friends are for.

REACTIVATED GREGGO: Well, thanks. Wait... something doesn't feel right... this isn't a Jaro's body!

THE JARO: No, it's a Greggo's. Well, you see, there aren't exactly any Jaro bodies available at the moment.

REACTIVATED GREGGO: Oh. Feet. This is weird. Eh, I guess I could get used to it. Besides, Greggos seem to be held with more respect than Jaros.

THE JARO: You know, that was a foolhardy thing you did out there, standing up to the Master and all...

REACTIVATED GREGGO: I had figured it could go dangerously wrong, so I had planned that escape.

THE JARO: You're still really lucky. I almost didn't get you a new body in time.

REACTIVATED GREGGO: Yes, anyway-

THE JARO: Wait! Should you not talk?

REACTIVATED GREGGO: Actually, you see, everybody thinks I was destroyed back there. My slate has been wiped clean.

THE JARO: Okay... so what do you want to do?

REACTIVATED GREGGO: Um... betray Tampo?

THE JARO: {shocked} WHAT?!? You're joking, right?

REACTIVATED GREGGO: I'm serious.

THE JARO: Don't you know what Tampo is doing right now at this very moment?

REACTIVATED GREGGO: No. What?

THE JARO: Well, I missed most of it, but it appears that he's scanning all his minions to test their loyalty or something.

REACTIVATED GREGGO: Really?

THE JARO: Well, I'm not positive, but-

REACTIVATED GREGGO: That's great! He won't suspect a thing!

THE JARO: {exasperated} You're crazy.

REACTIVATED GREGGO: No, no, no. Listen. Think about whose side we'd be on. We wouldn't be on Tampo's side. We'd be on the Master's side.

THE JARO: I don't follow you.

REACTIVATED GREGGO: Well, chew on this. You know how he just disobeyed one of the Master's most important rules by speaking his name, and then refused to accept the consequences.

THE JARO: Yeah, but-

REACTIVATED GREGGO: And get this. Before I went out there, I saw Stlunko hiding most of the cash. The Master only got a fraction!

THE JARO: You're kidding.

REACTIVATED GREGGO: Nope.

THE JARO: Woah... they're stealing from the Master? Maybe... just maybe, we would be doing the Master a favor... but how could we do anything? We're just two little minions. We would probably be deactivated before we left any kind of mark.

REACTIVATED GREGGO: Actually, we could probably do lots of damage to Tampo. I mean, we'd start out small, but we could grow large with more support and who knows? Maybe one day we'll dethrone Tampo and his two friends and take their place. I'm sure the Master would understand once we explain.

THE JARO: You've been talking to Chorch Commander #20, haven't you?

REACTIVATED GREGGO: Well, maybe power, fame and wealth has something to do with it...

THE JARO: Well, according to Tampo anyway, he's been destroyed because of his traitorous acts.

REACTIVATED GREGGO: Oh. {long pause} Well, I guess I could take his place, finish what he'd started. But I'm not in this just for the rewards. although I want to become the master of this place. Tampo stinks at that, always doing his email show and never anything truly important, like helping the Master in his battle against Stinkoman. I believe I could really help the Master out in a way Tampo never would. And of course, you, my friend, would be my right hand man.

THE JARO: Whatever. You're my best friend. I'll support you to the end. No matter how crazy your plan is.

REACTIVATED GREGGO: Okay. Good. Let's see... if we're going to fight Tampo, we would need cool names. I would be... The Trickster!

THE JARO: {confused} The Trickster? What are you-

THE TRICKSTER: Yes! And you will be... Sidekick Bob.

SIDEKICK BOB: {sarcastic} Great.

THE TRICKSTER: So, what should be our first thing we do in our quest against Tampo? It'd need to be something simple and safe.

SIDEKICK BOB: I-

THE TRICKSTER: That's it! I love it. A prank email! So simple, so classic.

SIDEKICK BOB: Okay, you are crazy. So what will it be about?

THE TRICKSTER: Doesn't matter. As long as it's filled with threats. I know just want it's gonna be like! Follow me.

SIDEKICK BOB: Whatever.

{The two hop/walk away.}

SIDEKICK BOB: This isn't gonna catch on.

{Screen fades to black with white text again.}

{The screen fades to the Computer Room. Tampo, Brody and Stlunko slowly go to the middle of the room. Tampo and Brody both look a little tired.}

BRODY: Well, I'm glad that's over.

TAMPO: Yep. We had to go through every minion by hand.

BRODY: At least I feel safer now with those possible traitors brainwashed.

STLUNKO: There were 31 minions harboring traitorous thoughts. 13 Chorches, 9 Greggos, 8 Jaros and 1 Grundy.

BRODY: I bet that Chorch Commander was responsible for most of those.

TAMPO: Now they don't remember anything, and are being retrained with loyalty in mind. So... {goes to the SuperCom} come and get us, Japanese dude. With absolutely no traitors in our army, and more weapons than you and your grandfather can handle, I feel pretty safe to say that if you come to execute us, you'll be the one executed.

BRODY: Yep.

TAMPO: So until next time, guys... email me some good emails.

{The "Click here to email Tampo" pop-up appears onscreen.}

Easter Eggs

{Cheerleader is standing next to So and So, What's Her Face and The Ugly One. Cheerleader's shirt reads "Foxface."}
CHEERLEADER: 'Sup my gallies?
OTHER GIRLS: No good!
CHEERLEADER: Well, wait 'til you meet... {jumps in the air, screams with fangs} ...MY NEW BOYFRIEND!!!
{Cheerleader is back to normal. They all glance at Cheerleader's new boyfriend who appeared right behind them. He is a soldier in an army camo. He has a private's badge and his hat reads "JOE."}
PRIVATE JOE: Sir, yes sir! {salutes}
NARRATOR: COMMANDO'D!!
{A stampede of Fireberts (from Cheat Commandos) appear, completely crushing Private Joe. The teen girls are in front of the stampede and watch in surprise. The word "COMMANDO'D!!" appears in the sky. After a few seconds, the stampede is gone. The four girls are looking at the remains of Private Joe: A crack in the ground with a small, torn surrender flag sticking out.}
CHEERLEADER: {normal voice} My new boyfriend is dead.
THE UGLY ONE: {after a brief pause, jumps in the air and screams} Firebert was not a good commando name! {goes back to normal}
CHEERLEADER: Now I'll guess we can controll...
ALL: {all except What's Her Face; jumping in the air, screaming} ...HIS MILITARY EQUIPMENT!!!
WHAT'S HER FACE: {staying on the ground, normal voice} ...some stuff.
{When they land, they all suddenly have military equipment. Cheerleader is aiming a large bazooka right at the other three girls. So and So is holding a large shotgun and has two ammo belts wrapped around her body. The Ugly One is sticking out of an upwards-facing modern cannon with an army hat over her head. What's Her Face is carrying a bunch of grenades under her arms.}
NARRATOR: Motoko Kusanagi'd!
{A fully armored samarai warrior with the Man with the Huge Mouth's face appears with his sword slashing all four girls (and The Ugly One's cannon) in half. Their top halfs are flying off, and their faces are surprised. The narrator's line appears in the sky.}
NARRATOR: {normal voice} Woah. New record.

Fun Facts

  • You'll need to read the previous Tampo Email "betrayal" to understand the glitch mentioned at the beginning and also the part about Chorch Commander #20.
  • The virus mentioned is explained and shown in the Tampo Email "virus."
  • To understand the storyline of the Jaro and his friend more, and to witness Tampo doing the two crimes against the master that were mentioned, you'd need to have read the Tampo Emails "master" and "inspection."
  • Tampo's email rap is from the Imitation Strong Bad E-mail "party."
  • Motoko Kusanagi is actually a character from the anime series "Ghost in the Shell."
  • Mojo Jojo is a villain from the cartoon series The Powerpuff Girls.
  • "...more weapons than you and your grandfather can handle..." is a play on a line from the SBEmail "theme park."
  • "No good!" is a line from TGS Issue 3.
  • Firebert not being a good commando name is an inside joke that first appeared in the SBEmail "army."
  • Strong Bad's new record is most girls killed in a single attack.

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