Other Character Email Tampo/headmaster

From Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki

Tampo Email #38: "headmaster"

Summary: As Tampo is in no condition to be answering emails, Stlunko takes the job and tells you everything you need to know about universe headmasters.

Cast (in order of appearance): Brody, Stlunko, Tampo, Various Glowy Figures, Phil, Phil's Friend, Mr. Distributor, Mr. Supra-Samm, Homsar, Homestar Runner, Stu, Dennis Dunjinman (Easter Egg), Super Sam (Easter Egg), Shim-Sham-Sam (Easter Egg), Thatkidsam (Easter Egg), Sahm (Easter Egg), H*R 700 (Easter Egg), Trogga (Easter Egg)

Places: Private Chamber, The Multiverse, The Field, Homsar's House, The Sky, A Volcano, Dennis Dunjinman's House (Easter Egg), Super Sam's House (Easter Egg), Legion of Sams' House (Easter Egg)

Length: 172 Lines

Date: December 16, 2005

Transcript

{Cut to Stlunko in the middle of the boss trio's private chamber. Brody is by the entrance, luring Tampo into the room.}

BRODY: Come on, Tampo. It's okay.

TAMPO: {just offscreen} Yes... I can see that.

{Tampo enters the room. His eyes are a little red, but besides that he appears fine.}

BRODY: Good. Now let's try this again.

TAMPO: Again? {nervous} Uhh... great.

{Stlunko pushes a button on the SaargtScreen and it boots up, showing the PseudoDOS interface.}

STLUNKO: I am booting up the SaargtScreen.

TAMPO: Fine... {looks around} that's wonderful.

BRODY: Calm down, Tampo. Everything's fine. We do this all the time.

STLUNKO: Yes, calm down.

TAMPO: Sure, sure. All the time. This is great. I can do this.

STLUNKO: Good.

{Stlunko types some stuff into the SaargtScreen and an email appears onscreen.}

TAMPO: Eep! Another email! {zips out of the room}

BRODY: Ugh. {shakes head} Why, Saargtsson, why?

STLUNKO: He gave Tampo a seemingly temporary case of email-phobia.

BRODY: Stupid... I'll go retrieve him. {runs out of the room}

STLUNKO: And now I will- {pause} I am not sure what I will do now.

{He turns around and faces the SaargtScreen. He notices that the email is addressed to him.}

STLUNKO: I suppose I could try answering an email all by myself.

{He goes up to the computer. The camera zooms in to him and the SaargtScreen.}

STLUNKO: {monotone} I can do an email rap with moderate rhythm. And my rhyming ability is actually quite lissome.

{He reads the email outloud.}

CSS:/>openmail: Headmaster

Dear Stlunko,
How do I become a universe headmaster?
-Amy Whifflepoof,
Universe M-1-CH-elly

STLUNKO: How does one become a universe headmaster? An interesting question. It is time for the hypothetical trip into the multiverse for an explanation.

{Cut to a large outer space scene, except instead of stars, there are wormholes everywhere.}

STLUNKO: Some imagine the multiverse as a large space, with wormholes to various universes.

{Cut to a large futuristic city with a rainbow sky. There are lots of different buildings with the names of various universe on them. Several glowy figures walk around.}

STLUNKO: Some imagine it as a large city, brimming with multiversal inhabitants and transports.

{Cut to a scene of many swirling ranbow colors.}

STLUNKO: And some think that it exists on an entirely different dimension than our universes, unimaginable by us three-dimensional creatures.

{Cut back to Stlunko at the SaargtScreen.}

STLUNKO: I honestly do not know the correct answer, as I have never been there. I have done a little research here and there, and to best illustrate what I know...

{Cut back to the city-like multiverse.}

STLUNKO: ...I will use the city theory. Now, several privileged beings get to live on the multiversal plane; how they came to be I do not know.

{Several glowy humanoid beings start walking around in the city.}

STLUNKO: I have no idea how these beings live and interact.

{Two glowy figures walk past each other}

GLOWY FIGURE #1: {casual} Hey, Phil. {waves}

GLOWY FIGURE #2: {casual} Hey. {waves}

STLUNKO: When such a being decides that we wants to monitor his own universe, there is a meeting of sorts where he is assigned one. I assume that it takes training to become a universe headmaster.

{Cut to a large soom similar to a judicial chamber. A glowy humanoid figure is behind the stand, seeming to look down upon a sitting figure on a bench below. On his lap are some papers.}

STLUNKO: Remember, if you were not born into this multiverse, you likely have no chance to become a universe headmaster. I do not know your multiversal status, Amy, but if you are not such a being, you might as well give up all hope of becoming one, much less a universe headmaster.

LOWER GLOWY FIGURE: Mr. Distributor, sir, I request a position as universe headmaster. I have already filled out the forms and decided on a universe to monitor. I have a Bachelor's degree in universe saving and time/space manipulation. I also have Master's degree in going incognito.

HIGHER GLOWY FIGURE: Let me see that!

{The higher figure outsretches his arm, causing the papers in the lower figure's lap to float into the higher's arms. He looks them over.}

HIGHER GLOWY FIGURE: Hmmm... I'm impressed. {puts papers down} Very well Mr. Supra-Samm, follow me.

{The higher glowy figure descends the steps and heads to a door. The other one gets up and follows. They leave the room.}

STLUNKO: I would theorize that the soon-to-be headmaster would have to get an appopiate body for his universe.

{Cut to a long room. The two glowy figures from the last scene enter it. Lining the back wall are various bodies, which all look normal except with blank expressions. From left to right are the bodies of various characters, all modernized to the correct H*R art style: Señor, Mr. Bland, Sterrance, Homsar, The Goblin, an Ungurait, and The Blacksmith.}

MR. SUPRA-SAMM: So I get to pick any of these bodies for when I'm on the job?

MR. DISTRIBUTOR: Yes, but once you choose one you cannot change. And according to the contract you signed on your papers, you are entitled to thirty years of service. You can renew this contract up to three times, but you are not requ—

{The scene freezes and little VCR-like lines appear onscreen.}

STLUNKO: This part is not entirely hypothetical. I have heard that universe headmasters have 30-year contracts that they must fulfill. They can renew this contract thrice to live ninety years in the universe. This does not count time their bodies spend growing in the manipulated time stream, which you will learn about soon. Also, when a headmaster leaves his job, he dies in the universe and returns to the multiverse.

{The scene unfreezes and the lines disappear.}

MR. DISTRIBUTOR: —ired.

MR. SUPRA-SAMM: And the paycheck?

MR. DISTRIBUTOR: Do not worry about that; it will be taken care off. Now pick a body.

MR. SUPRA-SAMM: Ummm... {looks around} What are that one's specs? {points at the Homsar body}

MR. DISTRIBUTOR: That body is tagged "Homsar". It is somewhat short, but you'll have psychokinesis powers, a large mouth to store stuff in, and a cute little walking sound.

MR. SUPRA-SAMM: Works for me. I'll take it.

MR. DISTRIBUTOR: Good. That was fast. Okay...

{Mr. Distributor turns around and faces the opposite wall and a computer pops out. He starts typing stuff into it.}

MR. DISTRIBUTOR: You will be downloaded into the body and universe shortly. {starts typing and speaking quickly} Your full name is Homsar Runner. You live in a well-furnished house next door to Marzipan, Strong Bad and your older brother Homestar Runner, in the year 2005. You are friends with Marzipan and Strong Sad. You will be replacing the previous headmaster, known in that universe as Homeschool Winner, who retired a few years ago. I am now altering memories so that your sudden appearance will not be speculated upon. {stops talking, keeps on typing} And... SEND! {pushes "enter"}

{Mr. Supra-Samm turns into a rainbow lightning bold and zaps into Homsar's body. Homsar's eyes clear and comes out of the trance. Almost immediately he turns into a rainbow form and quickly fades away.}

COMPUTER: Mr. Supra-Samm now sent to IMI-tation universe.

MR. DISTRIBUTOR: Whew. That's it for now. {starts walking away, the computer in the wall retracts} I'm going to get some food.

{Mr. Distributor leaves the room. Fade to black.}

{Fade to a present-day field. Homsar materializes in the middle.}

STLUNKO: At this point the universal headmaster's job begins. I also know quite a bit about this, as I have been able to briefly study this firsthand. He will usually behave as a normal citizen, hiding his true identity.

{As Stlunko says his, Homestar Runner marches in wearing his Homestarmy uniform. He goes up to Homsar and stops.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {waves Homsar away with his spoon} Move outta the way, Dumdwop. Nothin' to see, nothin' to see!

HOMSAR: {same voice as Supra-Samm} Sure thing, big bro. {wobbles out of the way}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Fawewell, maggot! Backwawds... mawch!!

{Homestar Runner marches backwards, leaving the way he came.}

HOMSAR: I think I'm going to like it here.

STLUNKO: I know that the universal headmaster's body has locked down all his multiversal powers. To access them...

{While Stlunko talks, the camera cuts to Homsar in his bedroom. He is at a drawer next to his bed. He opens it and pulls out four swirling marbles. He holds them high with his physcokenetic powers and stares at them. They are swirling and glowing with many rainbow colors, although each marble has a dominant color: one blue, one red, one yellow and one green.}

STLUNKO: ...he needs the elemental spheres. Each one contains the pure essense of the various elements that make up his universe. Without them, the only thing that makes him special is his knowledge. With the individual spheres, he can control there elements on a relatively miniature scale. But together...

{Homsar makes the four spheres touch and they glow and form a rainbow, which strikes Homsar and makes him glow.}

STLUNKO: ...he can regain some of his multiversal skills, but have them contained in a normal body that allows him to interact and protect the universe.

{While Stlunko says this, Homsar in his rainbow form blasts through the roof without damaging it.}

STLUNKO: Whenever a large ammount of people are in mortal damage, he will do his best to spare it.

{As action music plays, Homsar approaches a large meteor burning up in the atmosphere and heading towards Free Country, USA, which is visible far below. While floating, he glows red and then the flames caused by friction start behaving strangely and then appear to be pushing back against the meteor. He glows yellow and then wind starts blasting against it. Finally he glows green and then meteor gives up the fight and blasts back into outer space. Homsar's rainbow colors start slowing down and fading as he catches his breath.}

{Cut to a large mountain on the outskirts of some city. It is smoking, apparently a huge volcano about to erupt. Homsar zips into the scene, glowing rainbow colors. It erupts and starts spewing lava and smoke everywhere. Homsar glows red and the lava stops flying and falls to the ground, still oozing towards the city. He glows blue and water rushes in from the distance and smashes into the lava, hardening into rock. He then glows green and the rocks fly into the volcano's top and clog it up. He then glows yellow and winds start blowing the remaining lava and smoke into space. He then starts to rest again.}

STLUNKO: Afterwards he may wish to minorly alter spectators' memories so that his identity will not be revealed. But he will always take time off from life-saving to enjoy his new home.

{Cut to Homsar at his dinner table. There are a pile of steaks on his plate.}

HOMSAR: Ahhhhhhh... {opens mouth wide and tosses steaks in}

{Homsar starts to chew and continues to do so throughout the scene.}

STLUNKO: Of course, there is no way a single being could stop all the universe's troubles, and there are too many universes for each one to have several guardians. Although he is alerted of and can choose the stop any disaster that threatens the lives of at least 1,000 people, the only disasters he is forced to deter are ones that threaten the well-being of over two million people. He is not heavily monitored by other multiversal beings, so if something should somehow happen to him, it could be months before another—

VOICE: Enough!

{Cut back to Stlunko at the SaargtScreen.}

STLUNKO: What was that? Who interupted my explanation?

VOICE: {offscreen} I did.

{The camera pans to show that it is Stu the blue Gaspeau. He looks healthy.}

STU: And it's about time, too. That has to have been the worst email ever! Way too much explanations and not enough humor or action.

STLUNKO: What are you talking about? I inserted plenty of humor and action in that email, along with massive explanations. I make learning fun. This will surely become a fan favorite.

STU: Yeah, right. You know nothing of checking emails. You need Tampo and Brody.

STLUNKO: That is not true. But if you think I am so bad, maybe you should show me how to answer a Tampo Email correctly.

STU: Whoa... {two big creepy eyes appear on his screen} Really...?

STLUNKO: Go ahead. I will get an email onscreen for you to answer.

STU: {screen becomes normal} Awesome!

{Stu goes up to the SaargtScreen and floats in front of the SuperCom. Stlunko types something in and the following email pops up.}

CSS:/>openmail: smart?

Dear Tampo,
Are you smart? I mean your a brain.
From,
Strong Sader, Wales, UK.

STU: {reading, trancelike} D-dear Tampo... Dear Tampo! Dear... TAMPO! I am Tampo! I am the great Tampo! Wait till all my friends hear about this! {zooms away, yelling at he leaves} I'm Tampo! I'm Tampo! Tampo, Tampo, Tampo... {fades out}

STLUNKO: {pause} I do not think that was the proper email-checking technique. Strong Sader, Tampo is rather smart, but I must honestly say that I am more intelligent. It was the way I was built. {pause} I have lost my train of thought. I guess I should stop now. Good bye, viewers. {leaves}

{A few seconds later, the following message mysteriously appears onscreen.}

A:/> Click here to email Tampo.

Easter Eggs

Click on "Tampo" to see the first of three Wiki User-themed Easter eggs.

{Cut to Dennis Dunjinman at her computer. Onscreen is the end of this Tampo Email.}

DENNIS DUNJINMAN: I don't believe this! An email taking place in the Imiation universe and not a single mention of Trevor! Stupid...

{Suddenly a pop-up with a picture of Trevor waving appears onscreen.}

DENNIS DUNJINMAN: {trance-like} Ooh... Trevor...

{She leans in on the screen until her eyes touch it.}

Click "Tampo" again to see another Easter egg.

{Cut to Super Sam at his computer. The end of the email is visible onscreen.}

SUPER SAM: What the? Why did Joshua personify me as Homsar? I am not a Homsar... I just like him. How would he like it if I called him "Tampo"?

JOSHUA: {offscreen} It happens when you have Homsar as your forum avatar for too long. I start getting... weird ideas of what you really look like.

{Super Sam blinks, stunned a little.}

Click on "Tampo" one for time to see a final Easter egg.

{Cut to Shim-Sham-Sam, Thatkidsam and Sahm at a computer. Onscreen the Super Sam Easter egg just ended.}

THATKIDSAM: Oh sure. Why does Super Sam get all the references?

SHIM-SHAM-SAM: Yeah, he gets so much credit all the time. Featured in a Tampo Email? Come on... all I have is punching cows. That's it, man.

SAHM: He got to be a sysop too. Next thing you know he'll become the leader of the Legion of Sahms. We need to end this tyrrany before it's too late.

H*R 700: {runs in} It's okay, guys. {goes to Thatkidsam} I think you should become the next admin. ...or a Canadian. Either way.

THATKIDSAM: Get out of here, you non-Sam.

H*R 700: Eep! {runs away}

SHIM-SHAM-SAM: This Easter egg is too long, has nothing to do with the email, and features us acting in unrealistic and stereotypical ways. I think it needs to stop.

SAHM: Yeah, you're probably right.

TROGGA: {offscreen} Hey, guys. {camera pans to show him} Can I join your legion of Sams?

THATKIDSAM: Why? Who are you?

TROGGA: Umm... I'm not too well known here... but my username on the knowledge base is Sam Goldfish...

THATKIDSAM: Is your real name "Sam"?

TROGGA: Uhh... no...

SAHM: {gasps} Fake Sam! Fake Sam! Get him!

TROGGA: Ahhhhh!! {runs away}

{The three Sams run off after him.}

THATKIDSAM: {now offscreen} Knock him to the ground!

SHIM-SHAM-SAM: {now offscreen} Burn him at the stake!

{A crash is heard. Cut back to the SaargtScreen.}

Fun Facts

Much of the information revealed here, such as the multiverse, universe headmasters and the universal spheres, as well as more info on Headmaster Homsar's life, was already mentioned in the Tampo Email "marbles."
You will have to have read the previous email "clear out" to understand why Tampo is afraid of email.
"Lissome" means "easily bent".
Mr. Supra-Samm is a play on the user Super Sam. He owns Imitation Strong Bad E-mails (AKA the IMI-tation universe) and has a Homsar avatar on the H*R Fanstuff Wiki Forum, hence his personification as Homsar and the comments in his Easter egg.
Homsar having a large mouth to store stuff in refers to Homsar's Blog, where Homsar claims to have a rather large mouth where he can hang onto stuff.
Stu is from the previous email "clear out".
Dennis Dunjinman is a user who is known to be a big fan of Trevor.
Super Sam, Shim-Sham-Sam, Thatkidsam and Sahm are members of the The Legion of Sams. H*R 700 is a user who thought Thatkidsam should have become a sysop instead of Markie&BurnBox, and also often makes subliminal requests to become a sysop himself. (He is a Canadian) Trogga is a lesser-known user who does have the username Sam Goldfish on the knowledge base.

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