Other Character Email Tampo/saargtsson

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Tampo Email #18: "saargtsson"

Summary: Tampo and company challenge the tricky Saargtsson. 1-Up is rescued.

Cast (in order of appearance): Tampo, Brody, Stlunko, Zyves, Saargtsson, Stinkoman, 1-Up

Places: Computer Room, A Field, Holding Cell, Outer Space (Easter Egg)

Length: 155 Lines

Date: June 1st, 2005

Transcript

{The boss trio and Zyves are at the SuperCom.}

TAMPO: {singing} 1-Up! 1-Down! 1-Left! 1-Right! Answerin' the emails all day and night!

{An email is displayed onscreen. Tampo reads it.}

Dear Tampo,
Why don't you join forces with the boss of Level 4?
His name is "Sargasston" or something. What would he be like?

TAMPO: Well, there's a plenty good reason why we shouldn't join forces with "Sargasston."

STLUNKO: And his name is spelled S-A-A-R-G-T-S-S-O-N. Saargtsson.

TAMPO: Yes, and the reason is because he's a sneaky character.

BRODY: Yeah, he doesn't play fair. He's always tricking people to get the most out of them.

ZYVES: All the time, man. It's like, the only thing he does.

TAMPO: Let me tell you, you don't want to have anything to do with him. Except for maybe challenge him. But even then you have to be careful.

BRODY: His attacks aren't too strong. Keep your guard up, and he shouldn't be too hard, even with his tricks.

ZYVES: In fact, why don't we go send him a challenge right now?

TAMPO: By email? Um...

BRODY: I'm up for it.

TAMPO: Sure. {to SuperCom} Okay, SuperCom, send Saargtsson a regular challenge email.

SUPERCOM: Scanning... Saargtsson's email address located. {pause} Challenge email sent.

TAMPO: Now all we have to do is wait for a reply.

STLUNKO: Saargtsson is more than just a clever opponent. He is also the Master's minion.

BRODY: Yeah, he owns are section of land and a rather large warehouse near Flarg City.

ZYVES: Well, not exactly "near." He's actually lives around 60 kilometers away from the city.

TAMPO: But in nothing as expensive and large as our warehouse.

STLUNKO: Second only to us, Saargtsson is the Master's favorite underling.

BRODY: He became our rivals ever since he joined a few months after we did.

TAMPO: We used to challenge him several times. Although we stopped contacting each other a few months before we started this email show. We won almost all the time, but occasionally he would trick us with false weapons or land mines or something and win. But that was rare.

BRODY: But the winners had always let the loser escape once the challenge was over.

STLUNKO: It was just for sport.

SUPERCOM: Challenge reply from Saargtsson.

{Suddenly a live-feed pop-up appears of Saargtsson in a field.}

SAARGTSSON: Yessssss, I assssssccept your challenge. I will sssssstill beat you ffffffour to one. Meet me in the ffffffield outsssssside my warehousssssse.

{The pop-up closes.}

ZYVES: Well, let's go!

TAMPO: 'K.

{The four leave the room and the camera fades to black.}

{Fade back to a field. Saargtsson is slithering around. Tampo, Brody, Stlunko and Zyves enter.}

SAARGTSSON: Hello, losssssserssssss.

TAMPO: Hello, Saargtsson. It's be a while, hasn't it?

SAARGTSSON: Yessssss, it hassssss.

{While saying "has," Saargtsson shoots a laser beam out of his mouth at Tampo, who easily dodges the slow moving attack.}

BRODY: Let's get him!

ZYVES: Attack!

{The five characters move all around, trying to attack the opponent(s). No one hits though, as everyone quickly dodges out of the way of any attacks.}

ZYVES: {stops moving around} Okay, Tampo, Brody, Stlunko, get behind me! I'm going to use a super-attack.

TAMPO: Super-attack? Cool!

{Saargtsson stops moving and stares at Zyves as the other three bosses move behind Zyves.}

ZYVES: SUPER-!!!

{Suddenly a blue forcefield appears behind Zyves, trapping Tampo, Brody and Stlunko.}

TAMPO: What? What is this?

{Zyves turns around and faces the trio, with an evil smirk on his face.}

BRODY: What the- What's happening here?

ZYVES: You've just been outwitted by the mighty Saargtsson!

SAARGTSSON: Yessssss. Ssssssee that tree behind you? Well, it'ssssss not really a tree. It issssss a-

STLUNKO: Massive Force Field Ejecter. A non-mobile forcefield-generating unit capable of creating the strong force fields in the universe. Weighs appoximately six thousand tons due to the black hole-like engine. Extremely expensive to obtain and move but can create powerful a forcefield in one small area.

{Everyone besides Stlunko blinks, confused.}

SAARGTSSON: Eh, ssssssure. Normally it would be impossssssible to usssssse it in combat becausssssse it requiressssss your opponentssssss to stand in an exact place.

STLUNKO: Which is why I did not suspect it.

TAMPO: But you used Zyves to get us in that exact place!

BRODY: {hurt} But Zyves, why?

ZYVES: My master Saargtsson told me to. I was just a regular duck when I was hit by a large, fast-moving robot. Saargtsson found me and made his minions install all this cybernetic stuff to save my life. I am now his loyal servant.

TAMPO: Well, Saargtsson, you definitely outsmarted us this time. Congrats. So... can you let us go now?

{Saargtsson and Zyves both laugh.}

SAARGTSSON: Let you go? Do you ttthhhink I would have gone ttthhhrough all the trouble of ssssssending a sssssspy into your warehouse to trick you if I was jusssssst gonna let you go ffffffree?

TAMPO: Um...

BRODY: Uh, oh.

ZYVES: That's right, guys! We don't know how you got so rich, but we won't let you hog all the glory and wealth!

SAARGTSSON: Yessssss. We are going to kill you ttthhhhree and-

TAMPO: KILL?!?

SAARGTSSON: -take all your money and possssssessionssssss and become the masssssster'ssssss favorite minionssssss!

BRODY: Wait! Wait!

TAMPO: We'll share!

STLUNKO: Do not destroy us!

SAARGTSSON: Too late, losssssserssssss. {completely sticks out his tongue, revealing a small machine on the back} Thissssss little deviccccccce allowssssss me to control that forcccccce field! Prepare to die. {sticks his tongue back in}

{Suddenly the force field the trio are in starts to shrink slowly.}

TAMPO: Noooo!!! Don't do this!

{Saargtsson laughs evilly.}

STLUNKO: At the rate this is shrinking, we will all be crushed in just over two minutes.

STINKOMAN: {offscreen, shouting} CHAAAALLLLLENNGGGEEE!!!!!!!!

{Stinkoman jumps in with a Jaro for a fist. He hits Saargtsson in the head with it. Saargtsson screams in pain, the forcefield controller flying out of his mouth. Then he crumples to the ground as the Jaro breaks into pieces.}

STINKOMAN: {about to cry} My new favorite power-up! It's broken!

ZYVES: No! Saargtsson! {runs up to him and zaps him with a green laser, causing him to glow green. Then Zyves runs away, Saargtsson floating next to him, attached by the laser.}

STINKOMAN: {sad} Why do all my favorite power-ups die?! {normal} Ooh, a button!

{Stinkoman walks toward the forcefield controller and picks it up. It has a giant red button on it. Stinkoman stares at it.}

TAMPO: {being crushed} Stinkoman! Push the button! Let us go!

STINKOMAN: What?!? {jumps to the forcefield, still holding the controller} Hey! I remember you! You guys are some of my past challenges! {laughs} What luck meeting you here!

TAMPO: Eh... yes. Can you let us out now?

STINKOMAN: Um... {squints at Tampo} What's in it for me?

STLUNKO: {being crushed closer, speech slightly glitched and talking high-pitched} We will give you 1-Up!

STINKOMAN: 1-Up? No way! He's just a kid. Maybe when he's older. But I do what my power crunch! Do you guys have that?

TAMPO: Um...

BRODY: {extremely squished} Yes! Yes! JUST GET US OUT OF HERE!!!!!

STINKOMAN: Okay! {pushes button}

{The forcefield instantly disappears and the Tampo and Brody instantly crumple to the floor, sighing in relief. Stlunko just stays put, though.}

STINKOMAN: Alright, ladies. Where's my power crunch?

TAMPO: First we'll get you 1-Up. Follow us.

{Tampo floats back up and goes away with Brody and Stlunko closely following. Stinkoman follows them a short distance away.}

TAMPO: {whispering} Get the F.O.R.C.E. ready, Stlunko. We might need it when he finds out we don't have the you-know-what.

{The screen fades to black.}

{Fades to the holding cell, where 1-Up is sitting in the middle, bored. Suddenly the forcefield turns off the the boss trio and Stinkoman enter the room. 1-Up jumps to his feet and runs to Stinkoman.}

1-UP: Stinkoman! You came to rescue me! I'm glad I didn't betray you!

STINKOMAN: What?!

1-UP: Oops. I mean, eat pudding.

STINKOMAN: Oh. Well, I didn't come for you. I'm here to find my favorite power crunch!

TAMPO: Um... about that...

1-UP: You want your power crunch? You mean that black block of non-pudding on that plate in your kitchen?

STINKOMAN: Yeah, that's my power crunch! Did you take it?

1-UP: Yep. I ate it when you weren't looking. It didn't taste good, but it let me teleport to the moooooooon!

BRODY: Wait a second. This "power crunch" is the teleporter?

1-UP: Of course!

STINKOMAN: Everyone knows that! Duh!

BRODY: Oh.

TAMPO: Well, Stinkoman. I guess you can't have your power crunch anymore, huh? Why don't you take 1-Up and go. And don't come back.

STINKOMAN: What? My power crunch isn't gone! It'll come out of 1-Up soon enough.

1-UP: It already has! I can't teleport anymore. It came out of me when I... uh... eh...

TAMPO: I understand.

1-UP: Good.

STINKOMAN: But where is it now?

STLUNKO: All waste is teleported to dump-rockets who dump the waste into the sun.

STINKOMAN: What?! My power crunch! Noooo!! {charges up} Double duece!!!

{Stinkoman double dueces through the wall and into space, heading towards the sun. The hole he makes in the wall is instantly clogged up with a forcefield before much air leaks out.}

TAMPO: Okay...

BRODY: Will he be able to reach the power crunch in time?

STLUNKO: Maybe. It depends on how fast he can go.

1-UP: Am I rescued yet?

TAMPO: Well, since you can't teleport anymore, you are of no more value to us.

BRODY: Do we kill him?

1-UP: I don't wanna die!

TAMPO: Nah. We did make a deal with Stinkoman. Alright 1-Up, follow us. We'll teleport you back home!

1-UP: Alright! I like pudding!

{Tampo sighs. Then they leave the holding cell. The screen fades to black.}

{The screen fades back to the SuperCom. The classic "Click here to email Tampo." pop-up is onscreen.}

Easter Eggs

Click on the word "Challenge" on the word document below the "Email Tampo" pop-up to see Stinkoman.

{Cut to Stinkoman in a pile of rubbish, surrounded on all four sides by green walls.}

STINKOMAN: Where are you, power crunch? {reaches into a brown blob of "trash," pulls out the power crunch} Power crunch! I found you!

{Suddenly the back side of the room starts glowing bright.}

STINKOMAN: Whoo-wah? {jumps up}

{Screen zooms out to show the dump-rocket, which looks like a rocket dump truck. Stinkoman jumps from inside onto the front, which is facing the sun.}

STINKOMAN: {points to sun} Correct me if I'm wrong but are you asking for a CHALLENGE!?!

Fun Facts

This email wraps up the plots involving Zyves and 1-Up that were evident in the last five Tampo Emails.
Stinkoman hitting Saargtsson on the head with a power-up and then the power-up breaking is a reference to the Stinkoman 20X6 cutscene for Level 4.3, after the boss is beaten.
"No way! He's just a kid." is a reference to the Strong Bad Email "japanese cartoon."
"What's in it for me?" is a reference to Homestar's phrase in the SBEmail "anything."
Stinkoman calling the boss trio "ladies" is a reference to what he called 1-Up and Pan Pan in the toon Under Construction.
The "F.O.R.C.E." Tampo mentions is a portable forcefield creator used and explained in the Tampo Email "attacked."
1-Up saying that he's glad he didn't betray Stinkoman refers to the last two Tampo Emails "dark side" and "training," where he was unsuccessfully trained to join Tampo.
1-Up saying "to the mooooooon!" is a reference to his phrase on the Level 5.1 cutscene of the Stinkoman 20X6 game.
To understand the whole teleporter stuff, you'll have to have read the Tampo Email "attacked."
Stinkoman's phrase towards the sun in the easter egg is a reference to one of his phrases in 20X6 vs. 1936.

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