Other Character Email Tampo/genealogy

From Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki

Tampo Email #46: "genealogy"

Summary: Stlunko shows the connection the boss trio have with Trevor, Booty and the Stunky '04.

Cast (in order of appearance): Tampo, Frotzers, Poorbts, Gaspeaus, Gokuls, Stlunko, Trevor, Booty, Strong Bad, Bozar, Stinkoman, Giant Chicken Clan, Brody (Easter egg)

Places: Lava Zone Hospital, Private Chamber, Trevor's Computer Room, The Field, Bozar's Hidden Lab, A Garbage Dump, A Wildlife Preserve, Lava Zone Zoo (Easter egg)

Length: 184 Lines

Date: March 7, 2007

Transcript

{Cut to the waiting room of the hospital. Tampo is seen talking to a small group of minion hospital workers.}

TAMPO: Where was he last seen? I demand complete personel records!

FROTZER DOCTOR: We have already done a complete search of the premises. We aren't permitted to waste any more time. He's a big guy, there aren't many places to hide.

POORBT DOCTOR: He was pretty sickly. He might have just vaporized.

GASPEAU NURSE: Or exploded.

{A Gokul wearing a nurse cap giggles in squeaks. Tampo looks surprised for a second, but then just rolls his eyes.}

TAMPO: Just shut up, you guys. One way or another, Brody is in trouble, and someone has to find him. He's obviously not here anymore, so I'll go look round back.

{Tampo floats away. We fade to the next scene as the medical minions begin some inaudible chatter.}

{Fade to the boss trio's personal chamber, which is empty.}

TAMPO: {offscreen} Well, he wasn't any over there... let's see here... {enters the room} Hmm, maybe he has Internet connection whereever he is. He would know an email would be the fastest way to get my attention.

{He floats to the computer.}

TAMPO: Uhh... run Tampo-underscore-Email, dot-e-x-e. {computer beeps} Sweet, it works.

{A random email pops up without any interface or selection screen.}

TAMPO: Okay, um... I don't know how to look through my inbox. STLU--

STLUNKO: {suddenly right behind Tampo} What?

TAMPO: Waargh!! {jumps backwards} Don't... sneak up like that again. Anyway, I need you check my email for Brody mailings.

STLUNKO: He has not emailed us. If he did, I would let you know right away. But this is an interesting email, I have been inticipating it for a while. {reads email out loud}

CSS:/>openmail: connection

Dear Boss Trio,

What is your relation with Trevor?
All Present-Day Characters somehow
relate to their 20X6 form. How does
Trevor lead to your creation?

-1-Up

TAMPO: That's just great, Stlunko. I'm gonna go back to the search parties. You just sit here and email 1-Up, whydon'tcha.

STLUNKO: Okay.

TAMPO: Fine, be that way. {floats away}

STLUNKO: {typing} 1-Up, I do have important places to be, so my reply will be brief. In fact, all I will do is simply take the camera and load up this documentary I made on the subject a while ago. All original research from very reliable sources, finally revealed to the public. Enjoy the show.

{Stlunko does something directly behind the camera and it cuts to static. It cuts to a weathered snapshot Stinkoman being built by Strong Bad.}

STLUNKO: {voiceover} Many people know the connection between Stinkoman and the late Strong Bad, who is considered to be Stinkoman's turn-of-the-century "counterpart". That of his friends is also rather widely known. But what of Tampo, Brody and Stlunko to their past counterparts Trevor, Booty and Stunky '04?

{Cut to a wide shot of all the standard Homestar Runner characters standing in the field.}

STLUNKO: I am sure most of you are aware that our normal timeline does not consist of them. They did not live with the characters they are known to associate with in alternate universes.

{Cut to a shot of Trevor and Booty in their computer room, with the Stunky '04 on the desk.}

STLUNKO: But we all know they existed in some alternate universes, and that travel between these universes is possible. And thus our story begins...

{Suddenly the scene comes to life.}

TREVOR: Alright Booty, I got the blender. {pulls out a blender from somewhere and places it on the desk} Now according to those alternate universe portal schematics I stole from Strong Bad, all we have to do is frappé a Game Boy in this thing. So did you get the Game Boy?

BOOTY: {clucks hesitantly}

TREVOR: What do you mean they didn't have any at the store?

BOOTY: {continues clucking}

TREVOR: You got a what instead?

BOOTY: {clucks, pulls out a Nintendo DS}

TREVOR: What's this jargle? {picks up DS with two fingers} Booty, this will never work. Look at it, it has two screens!

BOOTY: {clucks disapprovingly}

TREVOR: Okay, okay, we'll try it. {drops it in blender} Go! {pushes button on blender}

{The blender kicks to life and its contents become a blur. Suddenly electricity flashes out and the lights blink on and off. Then a whirling Photoshopped vortex appears in the room.}

TREVOR: Whoohoo, we did it! Alternate universe adventures, here we come!

{Trevor grabs Booty in one hand and the Stunky '04 in the other and jumps right in it, but the exact moment he goes in he pops right back out. Then there is a loud spark and the blender stops working and catches on fire. The vortex disappears.}

TREVOR: Aw, dangit. It didn't work. You owe me a new blender, Booty.

{The scene fades a little bit darker.}

STLUNKO: {voiceover} But it did work, just a little bit differently than Strong Bad's version. For while the actual Trevor and Booty here bounced right back to their own dimension, a double of them appeared in our universe, not too many years in the past...

{Cut to a field. A flashing vortex suddenly appears and Trevor, Booty and the Stunky tumble out. The vortex closes behind them.}

TREVOR: Whoa... we did it! We're in a crazy unexplored universe... {looks back} ...and I really should have left someone at the controls to keep the vortex up. Uh oh.

{Strong Bad hopples in, with his face all imploded by a "lace-lift".}

STRONG BAD: Sup ceul peeple; lesh hang ouft! I knosh ah hotsh spotsh rernd toun!

TREVOR: Wah, it's a deadly alternate universe alien thing! Run for your pathetic lives!!

{Trevor and Booty quickly run the opposite way, with the Stunky in hand. After a second, Strong Bad suddenly pops back to normal. He is still visibly older and wrinkled, as this is later than the SBEmail period.}

STRONG BAD: I guess I should probably just give up now...

{Cut to Trevor and his small exploring party, running rather recklessly down the field. Suddenly the ground beneath them opens up in a large hole, and Trevor and Booty fall right down into it. The Stunky '04 flies from Trevor's hands and lands on the ground nearby.}

{Now it cuts to a pitch black room.}

TREVOR: {unseen} Ugh, my head... where am I? Booty, are you alright?

BOOTY: {clucks disorientedly from the darkness}

TREVOR: I wonder what just happened. {footsteps are heard} Wh-Who's there?

VOICE: Why I'm sorry, unfortunate bystanders, but you appear to have fallen through my trapdoor. Quite a predicament, huh?

TREVOR: Who are you?

VOICE: Oh, how dreadfully rude of me. I must have you know that I am... the magnificant Bozar!

{The lights turn on to show that Trevor and Booty are in a scientific room with the blobby and off-putting Bozar standing by the only exit.}

BOOTY: {clucks curiously at Bozar}

BOZAR: Ah, so you can sense some of dimensional disturbance around my presense? I say, your animal instincts are captivating. Yes, I am not from this universe, but it is my home now, for the time being.

TREVOR: So who exactly are you, and why did you pull a trapdoor on us?

BOZAR: Well I used to be--

{The scene suddenly fades darker and the audio goes out as Stlunko's voice plays over the scene.}

STLUNKO: Of course, I am unable to know exactly how Bozar and Trevor's conversation played out. However based on his personality I can assume Bozar showed Trevor several of his inventions and told him of his history, of which I have learned thoroughly.

{Cut to a still shot of Bozar appearing out of a bright rainbow light, taken from the Tampo Email "bozar".}

STLUNKO: Bozar transported into our universe many years ago and aided in Strong Bad's creation of Stinkoman out of uncertain personal reasons, possibly curiousity. He had strong magical powers from his home dimension but found it extremely difficult to control them here.

{Cut to a scene of Stinkoman soaring off into the sky with rocket boots, with Bozar watching from the distant ground below.}

STLUNKO: He used his diminishing magical powers to help finish Stinkoman, but by the time it was done he found out too late that he was incapable of magically warping back to his home dimension. He was trapped here with nothing but the scientific know-how he picked up during the project.

{Cut to a snapshot of Bozar pouring the green liquid contents of a skull-labeled flask into a canister labeled "death gas".}

STLUNKO: He did not dispair though, as he built himself a hidden life in our universe as a creator of technology for whoever would pay him. No matter how questionable the morals of those benefactors were... and he had a few clients in need when he stumbled upon Trevor, Booty and Stunky's doubles.

{The scene fades back to Trevor and Booty with Bozar, although some time has clearly passed and they are in another room, somewhat similar to the first.}

BOZAR: And as fun as this little tour has been, my friend, I'm quite sorry to say that I'll be needing your little friend here for a genetic experiment.

TREVOR: What?! {Booty jumps into Trevor's arms} There's no way I'm letting you touch my friend.

BOZAR: I didn't think you'd understand, but...

{Trevor uses his free hand to grap a long pointed instrument from a desk and weilds it like a fighting staff.}

TREVOR: Get out of here, Booty! Get out as fast you can, I'll hold this guy off and join you later!

{Booty squawks and flaps excited and half-flies out of the room, leaving a trail of feathers in his wake. The door of the room he just left to shuts behind him.}

BOZAR: Ha ha ha, I say there, that's a hilarious show. Your feathered friend just flew right into my radiation room. How convenient is that?

TREVOR: No!

{Trevor charges angrily and starts swiping at Bozar, who gingerly dodges the attacks.}

BOZAR: I insist you stop this nonsense, for I have more self-preservation technology than you and your grandpappy can handle.

TREVOR: {continues swiping, but Bozar seems to be able to dodge with little effort} Only- if- you- will- promise- Booty- will- not- be- harmed!

BOZAR: I am serious, cease your attack now. It would be very unfortunate if I would have to, say, teleport one of your organs out of your body, or something quite unpleasant such as that.

TREVOR: I'm not scared of you, and I'm going to rescue my friend!

{In an attempt at a finishing blow, Trevor raises the metal pole over Bozars head and slams it down. But to his horror, Bozar's gooey body (along with his clothes) briefly splits in two and the pole smashes into the metal ground. Then it seems to be teleported away right out of Trevor's hands as Bozar reforms back into one.}

BOZAR: You have made a grave error, friend.

{Before Trevor can even realize what just happened, Bozar raises his hand at Trevor and a small beep is heard. Trevor is suddenly flung back against the far wall, his hands pinning him to it in midair. Trevor struggles around in vain, but his wrists and feet are trapped telekinetically.}

TREVOR: Ugghh!! Stop!!!

BOZAR: I'm afraid it's too late for that.

{Suddenly the scene cuts to Stlunko talking to the camera in a recording room.}

STLUNKO: And in the interest of keeping this documentary within the family friendly audience of our email show, I believe it is best to skip this next scene. Sorry for the inconvenience.

{Cut to a low scene of Bozar in his lab, the tension relieved. Bozar is standing in front of the desk, which features a fresh brain floating in a jar of liquid. Trevor's feet are visible in the background, the rest of his body laying offscreen.}

BOZAR: A darn shame, I must say. A darn shame. {sighs deeply} I hate having his life end so tragically, he was a fine chap. But I'd hate to waste a perfectly good brain... well, I guess I'll just keep it handy for now.

{He opens up a cabinent in the desk and places the jar inside. He then closes the desk and begins walking off.}

BOZAR: And now to see how that chicken is doing with his radioactive mutation. I hope his cellular structure has been— {reads a readout on a computer next to the room Booty got trapped in} A perfect success! His DNA has completely changed into that of those large chickens. Those wildlife preserve people will be so pleased, and will never know the difference. {strums his fingers} And how generous that organization is...

{Bozar pushes a button and the radiation door opens. He then walks inside.}

{Cut to a room lined with several powering-down radiation guns and prongs. In the center of the room is an unconscious Booty, who how has been mutated into a large creature similar in appearance to Brody.}

BOZAR: Don't worry, chicken friend. Everything will be fine. When you wake up you'll be part of a new family of rare giant chickens, and I designed you to be king of their clan.

{Bozar then pulls out a headset-like machine and puts it on Booty.}

BOZAR: And now I apologize, but I'm going to have to clear and then recreate your memories. You'll be quite smart in this new form, possibly capable of speech, so I can't have you jibbering and jabbering about your past life. I hope you enjoy the title King Clucks. And now my work here is done. Time to go reset that trapdoor.

{The scene fades out to a shot of Trevor's jarred brain in a pile of trash in a dump.}

STLUNKO: Bozar never did find a use for Trevor's brain. He buried the body and eventually threw the brain away in a local dump, where it eventually found itself in a trashed robot suit and became Tampo.

{Cut to a shot of Booty (aka King Clucks) surrounded by several other giant chickens in a forest, one of which appears to be his mate.}

STLUNKO: Booty's introduction to the giant chicken clan was a complete success, and he quickly rose to become their king and had a son. Unfortunately the particular wildlife organization went backrupt after a few more years, and the forest became open to attack from poachers and hunters. The entire species was almost entirely wiped out, with only one survivor: Booty's son, Brody.

{Cut to Bozar taking apart the Stunky '04 on a wooden desk.}

STLUNKO: Bozar stumbled upon the Stunky '04 and found his universally displaced parts fascinating. He took out many of its microchips and processors and enhanced them. He ended up selling them to a certain construction worker who wanted to use the parts for the brain of a certain giant wheeled robot.

{The scene cuts back to Stlunko in the recording room.}

STLUNKO: And now you know the connection between the three of them and the three of us. I hope some of you found this coverage interesting; I know I did. And as of yet, I have not told Tampo or Brody of this information, but I will be sure to do that sometime soon. Good day, citizens of Planet K.

{The scene fades to black, and then one white credits pan up, inevitably crediting every role to Stlunko. Eventually the last line of text scrolls up and freezes in the center of the screen: "Click here to email Tampo."}

Easter Eggs

Click on "Tampo" at the end to see a random scene.

{Cut to Stinkoman and Tampo in a field.}

STINKOMAN: {points at Tampo} Tampo! I am your father!

TAMPO: {anguished} Noooooooooooooooo... I didn't want to do that joke...

Click on "Click" to see a scene with Brody.

{Brody, a Pink Cham Cham, is in what appears to be an underground zoo exhibit. Several other minions are looking at him from behind a fence, and there is a "do not feed the cham cham" sign.}

FROTZER CHILD: Look mom! A pink cham cham! Can I keep it?

FROTZER MOTHER: It looks dangerous to me, dearie.

BRODY: I have got to get out of here. If only I had a translator...

{Suddenly a Gokul sitting by itself on the far end of the fence perks up.}

GOKUL: You say you need a translator?

BRODY: {excited} Yeah. I have stuff to say. Important stuff.

GOKUL: See if you can meet me in the Gokul Feeding Chamber afterhours. I think I can help.

Fun Facts

The beginning of the email (and one of the Easter eggs) continues off of the previous email "nausea".
The alternate universe portal made by a Game Boy and a blender was done by Strong Bad in the SBEmail "alternate universe". Trevor ends up using a Nintendo DS in place of a Game Boy, which is a more modern Nintendo handheld.
Strong Bad first had a "lace-lift" in an attempt to look younger in the SBEmail "looking old".
Bozar's ensnaring of Trevor and subsequent removal of his brain is greatly influenced by Sylar's mode of operation in the TV show Heroes.
One can see the connection of Trevor, Booty and the Stunky '04's fates to the birth of Tampo, Brody and Stlunko in the email "relatives".
The first Easter egg is a reference to a very overused gag taken from Star Wars.

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