Other Character Email Tampo/tv shows

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Tampo Email #39: "tv shows"

Summary: To cure Tampo's email-phobia, Brody and Stlunko have him answer an old-fashioned-style email about holovision shows.

Cast (in order of appearance): Tampo, Brody, Stlunko, Stinkoman, 1-Up, Pan Pan, Gameshow Host

Places: Private Chamber, Dark Warehouse, A Jungle, A House

Length: 165 Lines

Date: December 29, 2005

Transcript

{Cut to the boss trio at the SaargtScreen.}

TAMPO: Okay, so we're just going to do a nice easy one, right?

BRODY: Right.

TAMPO: Just like the old days?

BRODY: Right. Answer the email with an imaginary journey. No random questing and challenging to please the emailer.

STLUNKO: Just like I did last email.

TAMPO: Safe and simple, huh? You sure we can't just do some corny Decemberween special? Without an email?

STLUNKO: Holiday specials are tools for the weak minded.

BRODY: Besides, Stinkoman is trying to fade us with his new comic. We have got to fight back!

TAMPO: Oh. Okay then. Um... Stlunko, uh... bring one up... {email rap} Email, email, email, email, email, email... guh...

{The email pops up. Tampo stares at it for a few seconds and then starts to read it.}

CSS:/>openmail:

Dear Tampo, Brody, and Stlunko,
Why don't you create a show for other bosses to watch in their holorooms starring you?
It could be called "Tampo and Friends" or "The Three Bosses"
It could be all about you beating Stinkoman!
Sincerely,
A producer.

TAMPO: Okay Purducci, uh, I guess we could create a holo-show... starring us.

BRODY: But there are so many different kinds of holovision shows...

TAMPO: Well, we could always have a cheesy action movie where Stinkoman is the corny villain who gets his butt kicked in the end.

{Cut to a dark warehouse somewhere. Stinkoman is in the middle in front of a table with plans laid out on it. A single overhead light illuminates him. 1-Up is standing nearby, in the shadows.}

STINKOMAN: And with this laser—

{Another light pops on next to Stinkoman, revealing a laser blaster nearby.}

STINKOMAN: —I will be able to eradicate this world of pudding... and then everyone will go hungry! Mwahahahaha!

1-UP: ...and then we get to eat the pudding, right?

STINKOMAN: {angry} Of course not, you armless moron!

1-UP: WAH!! {runs offscreen}

STINKOMAN: Now where was I? Ah, yes. Mwa—

{Suddenly he is interrupted by a blast in the wall. Sunlight pours in through the large opening, and in it, casting long shadows, is Tampo, Brody and Stlunko. Each is wearing dark shades (although Stlunko's quickly fall off).}

TAMPO: Not today, Stinko-loser! Your pudding-killing-spilling... days are over!!

STINKOMAN: {jumps up} Correct me if I'm wrong but are you asking for a CHALLENGE?!?!

TAMPO: Prepare to die!

{Tampo glares at Stinkoman and the camera zooms into his eye. It gleams. Cut back to the previous scene, where Stinkoman stares at the large Tampo towering over him. The camera zooms into his eye and it gleams. Cut back. Tampo prepares to fire a laserball.}

STINKOMAN: Super Stinko-security system, STRIKE!!!

{Before the boss trio can respond, something similar to the red-button lightning zaps the boss trio from above, electrocuting them and causing them to crumple down. Tampo and Brody's shades fall off, cracked and damaged. Tampo struggles to float back up.}

TAMPO: {pained} ...cheap.

STINKOMAN: Hahahaha! I showed you! Hahahaha! You were barely even a challenge!

{The camera pans to show Stinkoman head-on. Behind him, 1-Up emerges from the shadows, angry and during a jump-kick.}

1-UP: BETRAYAL KICK!!!!

{Right before 1-Up makes contact, Stinkoman reaches behind him and grabs 1-Up by the leg, stopping and surprising 1-Up. He then twirls 1-Up around and smacks him into Tampo, who was starting to recover. Tampo and 1-Up crash into a wall.}

STINKOMAN: Hahaha! I am invincible! Hahahaha! I WILL TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!! Hahahahaha... {continues laughing}

{Stinkoman collapses onto the floor laughing evilly. He squirms around, unable to stop, until he stops laughing, slumps down and lays there, unconscious. 1-Up and the boss trio slowly get up.}

TAMPO: What happened?

STLUNKO: He seems to have laughed himself into a coma.

TAMPO: Uh... {strikes victory pose} We saved the day!!

{The scene freezes and darkens and credits start zipping by. In the background, rock music starts playing with rather stupid lyrics.}

You gotta defend the pudding!
You gotta fight for what's right!!
It's a war zone! There's danger everywhere!
Darkness over light!!

You gotta fight with power!
You gotta fight with power!
If you don't, you gonna die!
You best be lookin' to the sky!
'Cuz we got you trapped in... YOUR DARKEST HOUR!!!
Gotta fight with power...
{fading out} ...fight with power...

{Cut back to the SaargtScreen.}

TAMPO: Yeah, one of those could be pretty cool. We could like... win an Oscar or something.

BRODY: {starts humming the "Fight with Power" theme}

STLUNKO: It would be hard to actually make one of those, however. We would need a production crew, plenty of funds, and—

TAMPO: Yeah, I know. I guess we could... enter a gameshow or something. One of those... reality shows that the put on every Blursday night at eight.

BRODY: {stops humming} Then all the hard work would already done for us. Cool. We'd be instant celebrities... not that we aren't already.

{Cut to a jungle scene. Tampo, Brody, Stlunko, Stinkoman, 1-Up and Pan Pan are sitting in a row of carved out wooden bleachers in a large open-air hut. The large boss trio are behind the smaller three. In front of them, on a small pedestrial is the game host, who is a moderately sized humanoid robot with an explorer's outfit on.}

GAME HOST: Okay, it's time to vote. Stlunko, you go first.

{Jungle chanting-style music starts playing. Stlunko silently leaves the other five and rolls offscreen. Cut to a voting booth far away from the others, who can be seen in the background. Stlunko grabs a large pen and a relatively small piece of paper and writes down "STINKOMAN".}

STLUNKO: Sorry Stinkoman, I have nothing against you. But I have an alliance and I must stick to it.

{He inserts the paper into a large jar and leaves. Fade to Brody at the stand. He quickly grabs the paper and large pen with his wings and starts writing something down, but the camera can't see it. The scene fades to him putting the folded paper in the jar and leaving. Fade to Stinkoman at the stand. He uses a nearby small pen and piece of paper. He writes the misspelled name "STULUNKO" on the paper.}

STINKOMAN: Pan Pan is fat! And... you're dumb!

{He folds it up, puts it in the jar and walks away. Fade to Pan Pan at the stand, pondering his decision. Fade to him putting the closed vote in and leaving. Fade to Tampo moving up to the stand. He glances at the larger pen, then the paper.}

TAMPO: Uhh... okay...

{Fade to Tampo leaving the stand. Somehow he had cast a vote, as a piece of paper is missing. Fade to 1-Up at the scan. He writes something down but the camera cannot see it.}

1-UP: You're a cool dude, but when you threaten my pudding, that's crossing the line!

{He folds and slams the vote into the jar. Fade back to the six at the bleachers.}

GAME HOST: I'll go tally the votes. {leaves}

{Fade to the host walking back with the jar of votes in his hand.}

GAME HOST: Once the votes are read, you know what happens. {takes a vote out and reads it outloud} First vote... Stlunko. {continues} Second vote... Stinkoman. Third vote... Stinkoman. Fourth vote... Stinkoman.

{On the bleachers, 1-Up glances at Stinkoman, who seems stunned.}

GAME HOST: {pulls out another vote} ...and the somethingth member voted off the island... Stinkoman. Four votes, that's enough.

STINKOMAN: Wah! {backflips into the center of the room}

GAME HOST: Stinkoman, the tribe has spoken.

{The host pulls out a button from the pedestrial and pushes it. Suddenly a red light appears on Stinkoman's belly and beeps. Everyone prepares themself and then Stinkoman explodes. The jungle-themed music begins again and the five remaining members start to leave. Fade back to the SaargtScreen.}

STLUNKO: That could be moderately entertaining, but I prefer comedies.

TAMPO: You like comedies?

BRODY: You watch holo-shows?

STLUNKO: Yes and yes. I was not aware that there was a problem with that.

TAMPO: Oh... okay then. You mean a comedy like...

{Tampo's voice fades out and the camera fades to a house with large enough furniture to make the boss trio look normal sized. Tampo and Brody are sitting at a table, although for Tampo this really means he's plopped in a chair. They are wearing specially-made clothes. They are each holding spoons; Tampo's is floating in front of him, obviously inserted there with cheap computer graphics.}

TAMPO: {calling} Hurry up with that chow, Stlunko! I'm vamished!!

STLUNKO: {offscreen} Almost done.

{Stlunko enters the scene wearing a specially-made maid's dress and holding two bowls of pinkish goop. He places it in front of the Tampo and Brody, who look at it hesitantly.}

TAMPO: Uhh... interesting food you made, Stlunko.

BRODY: Yeah.

{Brody gets some on his spoon, leans his neck down, and tastes it.}

BRODY: Hey, this actually tastes pretty good.

TAMPO: It does?

{Tampo scoops some of the stuff up with the "spoon", brings it to his front and "absorbs" it.}

TAMPO: Hey, you're right!

STLUNKO: I am glad you like it. I will now finish preparing dessert.

{Stlunko leaves and Tampo and Brody continue to eat.}

BRODY: {calling} What is this stuff?

STLUNKO: {offscreen} It is chicken brains, of course.

{Canned laughter. Tampo and Brody and stunned and drop their spoons.}

BRODY: {blank, stunned expression} Chicken...

TAMPO: {blank, stunned expression} ...brains?

{The two start making coughing and gagging noises and are disgusted. Canned laughter. As Tampo and Brody recover, Stlunko reenters with a covered platter.}

STLUNKO: And now that you two seem done with the main course, here is dessert.

{Stlunko lifts the cover to reveal 1-Up's severed head. Encircling it is brown pudding and he has an apple in his mouth.}

BRODY: Now that looks good.

{Canned laughter. Cut back to the SaargtScreen.}

STLUNKO: Actually, I think I would prefer something where I can educate while entertain. Like a kids' show.

{Cut to a green field, with Stlunko in the middle, all by himself. Pan Pan is bouncing around in the background, who gets crushed by the Heavy Lourde after a few seconds.}

STLUNKO: TV. Short for television. Old twentieth and twenty-first century device used to send video and audio feeds over long distances to be projected—

TAMPO: {offscreen} No.

{Cut back to the SaargtScreen.}

TAMPO: We already established that we are not doing a kids' show a while ago. However, a—

SAARGTSSON: {offscreen, yelling} Tampo! Come here! I havvve sssome work fffor you!!!

TAMPO: Ugh, gotta go. Bye guys. {quickly leaves}

{There is a pause between Brody and Stlunko.}

BRODY: Okay... I guess he forgot all about his email-phobia.

STLUNKO: Yes. That was easier than I predicted.

BRODY: He just needed to answer a good, old-fashioned email. Well, my job is done. I'm going to go get some fresh air or something.

SAARGTSSON: {offscreen, yelling} Brody! Ssstlunko! You, too!

BRODY: ...or not.

{Brody and Stlunko leave. On the SaargtScreen, the following message appears.}

A:/> Click here to email Tampo.

Easter Eggs

Click on "Tampo" to see another holo-show.

{Cut to Brody in the foreground in front of a wobbly camera. In the background is Tampo staring at the lava flow in the personal chamber, facing away from the camera.}

BRODY: And here we have a rare glimpse of that Tampo in its natural habitat.

TAMPO: {turns around} Uhh... this definitely isn't my natural—

BRODY: {in terror} Oh, no! We've been spotted!! A Tampo can kill you when aggrivated. We need to get to safety.

{Brody runs past the camera and then the camera turns around just in time to see Brody turn a corner.}

Fun Facts

Tampo gained his email-phobia in the email "clear out".
In the beginning of this email Stlunko refers the previous email "headmaster" where Stlunko answered an email without actually leaving the private chamber.
Stinkoman's "new comic" is Stinkoman 20X6: Reloaded, a new series by Joshua that takes some of his fanstuff-making time.
Purducci, the nickname Tampo gave the producer, was the villain in Dangeresque 1: Dangeresque, Too?.
Blursday is an imaginary day of the week featured in Homsar's Blog.
The gameshow section is a blantant parody of Survivor, with many references.
1-Up's head being served on a platter is a reference to the Tampo Email "sb emails", where Tampo says "...and here's 1-Up's head on a platter?"
The Heavy Lourde crushing people is a running gag from the official site.
The kids' show is mostly taken from Stlunko's segment of the Tampo Email "kids' show".

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