Other Character Email Tampo/inspection

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Tampo Email #22: "inspection"

Summary: Tampo, Brody and Stlunko get their annual inspection from the Master.

Cast (in order of appearance): Tampo, Brody, Stlunko, Kolkaryus, Jaros, Greggos, Chorches, Terrells, Grundies, Stobats, The Master, Muted Jaro, Muted Jaro's Friend

Places: Main Chamber, Experiment Room, Lunar Kitchen, Virtual Chamber, Computer Room, A Hallway

Length: 188 Lines

Date: June 21, 2005

Transcript

{The three bosses are in the main chamber with the Kolkaryu. The camera is close up, but the boss trio is shrunken. Tampo is the size of the Kolkaryu, Brody's the size of a Greggo and Stlunko is as tall as a Jaro. There are a large group of minions lining the wall.}

BRODY: Whoo-boy. I hate this time of year.

TAMPO: Yeah. How much longer until the master's arrival?

KOLKARYU: He should be here shortly.

TAMPO: Okay... um, well viewers across the 'Net, we're here preparing for the master's arrival. We're due for our yearly inspection. What's this? Our third time?

STLUNKO: Yes. This is the third time.

TAMPO: Yeah, we're pretty new at this. But then again, so is the master. He pretty much started his anti-Stinkoman campaign three or four years ago.

BRODY: Mm-hmm. I bet you guys are all wondering why we're so small. Well, the master doesn't like having to look up at people.

TAMPO: So we figured we'd shrink ourselves to gain some MeritPoints.

BRODY: Pretty good idea, huh?

{Some confused mumblings from the robot crowd are heard, many wondering about "MeritPoints."}

TAMPO: What's that? You guys don't know how this- Oh, that's right. For most of you, this is your first year!

STLUNKO: I will explain. When the master comes over, he has given us a number of MeritPoints, on a 100-point chart. Then he looks at what we've done and adds or takes away points depending on how good we do. Then he takes his share of the our funds. The more MeritPoints we have, the less money he takes away. If we lose MeritPoints, the master will put most of our funds "towards a better cause."

TAMPO: Yeah, so-

{Suddenly there is a small flash of light in the middle of a room. It fades, revealing another Kolkaryu.}

BRODY: The master's almost here...

NEW KOLKARYU: I am now activating the anti-fader forcefield around bosses.

{As everyone watches, the new Kolkaryu goes between the boss trio and flashes, creating a light blue forcefield around Tampo, Brody, Stlunko and the two Kolkaryus. All the other robot minions are out of the forcefield. Mumbles of confusion and wonder can be heard from the robot crowd.}

TAMPO: Calm down, little robots. This is all part of the procedure. You see...

BRODY: The master is "too great for your puny sensors to see or hear."

TAMPO: Uh huh. Before he teleports in, he's going to emit a flash of light and radiation. A "fader," as it's called. For you robots, it will temporarily knock out your light and sound sensors.

BRODY: And it'll make you chickens blind and deaf for a little bit.

STLUNKO: Do not panic. It will only-

{Suddenly, from the center of the room, a bright light radiates out. It floods the entire room in a pure white light.}

STLUNKO: -be temporary.

{The light fades. The Jaro's visors are static, and all the other minions' eyes are blank. The minions stay still, not wanting to hurt themselves or displease the master when he comes. The forcefield around the three bosses disappears.}

NEW KOLKARYU: {flies in front of boss trio} Now presenting, our powerful, mighty, all-knowing, great... master!

{There is a little flash in the middle of the room, and then Master Sticklyman is there. He looks exactly like he did the in the Character Card Easter Egg from the last email.}

MASTER STICKLYMAN: Hello, Tampo. Brody. Stlunko.

{Tampo falls to the floor in reverence. Brody kneels with his face to the floor. Stlunko lays his hands down on the floor, looking how they would be if he could kneel. The two Kolkayrus go to the master's sides, apparently his personal bodyguards.}

MASTER STICKLYMAN: {looking around} Nice place you got here. Love the location. And your army looks great, too. Almost as good as mine, but not quite. I'll start you guys off with 75 MeritPoints.

{There is a pause and Master Sticklyman waits for the boss trio's reaction, but they stay "kneeling" in reverence.}

MASTER STICKLYMAN: Eh... you may rise.

{The trio get up.}

TAMPO: So, Master, do you want us to give you a tour?

MASTER STICKLYMAN: Yes, I would love to see your work. We must- wait, are you guys... small?

BRODY: Oh, yes. You see-

TAMPO: We humbly shrunk ourselves in your presence, so as not to be larger than your great form.

MASTER STICKLYMAN: Hmmm... that is great. I am pleased. Plus 5 MeritPoints.

{Tampo and Brody glance at each other. Brody smiles.}

STLUNKO: Let us begin the tour. Master, if you wish, you may follow me as I show you around.

MASTER STICKLYMAN: I wish. Let us begin.

{The trio walk away from the room with the Master following close behind with his two bodyguards.}

{The screen fades to black and a montage begins. The music of the "Technical Difficulties" part of "pizzaz" plays during the montage. No other sound is heard. The screen fades to be the Experiment Chamber. The three bosses and their master are looking around at all the labeled buttons. Sticklyman presses a button and his visible skin flashes rainbow colors for two seconds. Then he presses it again and changes back to black. He nods his head in agreement to something Tampo said. Then an oval with the text "+ 5" on the top and "MPs" on the bottom appears and fills the screen in a transition effect similar to the Homestar Jr. one used for "Where's The Cheat?"}

{The music continues to play. When the transition disappears, the four are at the Lunar Kitchen. Stlunko holds a platter and places it in front Sticklyman, who is sitting at a perfectly-sized, golden table made just for him. On the platter is some kind of alien delicacy, which looks like a green eggplant with blue spots. Sticklyman grabs it, takes a bite and nods up and down. The same "+5 MPs" transition plays.}

{Now they are virtual chamber. Sticklyman has the Virtual Reality headset, boots and gloves on. On the television screens that the boss trio are watching, Sticklyman can be seen beating up Stinkoman, knocking him to ground over and over. Stlunko then pushes a button, turning the machine off. Sticklyman takes off the headset and nods in approval. The "+5 MPs transition plays on last time, ending the montage.}

{They are now in the computer room. The montage is over; the music is no longer playing.}

STLUNKO: And this is our computer: the SuperComputer, Version 6.3. It has all the latest gadgets and accessories, including the ability to obey commands by thought.

MASTER STICKLYMAN: Now that is impressive. Well, you servants are definitely putting your money to good use. I'm going to give you 5 more MeritPoints, raising them to 100. Good work. I guess I'll get most of funds from Saargtsson.

{Brody quietly chuckles. The master doesn't hear him.}

MASTER STICKLYMAN: So now that the tour's over, I'm going to ask you some questions.

TAMPO: Sure, fine.

MASTER STICKLYMAN: First of all, did you experience that ReailtyBend virus that attacked the world?

BRODY: Eh...

TAMPO: Of course we did... but we definitely didn't cause it.

BRODY: Yep, definitely didn't.

MASTER STICKLYMAN: Okay, well, were you responsable for those holographic nuclear bombs at GreenTown?

TAMPO: Um... why do you ask?

MASTER STICKLYMAN: Because I was about to personally recruit a promising green alien who I-

BRODY: NEB-1?

MASTER STICKLYMAN: {angry} Do NOT interrupt your great and powerful master! Ever! Minus five MeritPoints.

BRODY: Ohhh...

{Tampo's eyes are angry for a second, but then change back to normal.}

TAMPO: I am sorry for that, Master. Please continue.

MASTER STICKLYMAN: Yes, as I was saying, I was about to recruit a promising alien who I found there when these fake nukes went off and sending everyone into a panic. Needless to say, I lost my chance. Now I know holographic nukes are rather expensive. You didn't have anything to do with them, right?

TAMPO: {nervous} Heh, heh. Of course not, my master.

STLUNKO: We did not.

MASTER STICKLYMAN: Good, good. Now, can I meet this little robot duck you told me about in your last report.

TAMPO: Oh, um, well, there's a funny story about that. You see, it turned, he- he-

STLUNKO: He was a spy put in here by Saargtsson to get the upper hand in a battle.

MASTER STICKLYMAN: {laughs} A spy? By Saargtsson? Well, that's hilarious. He gets 15 of your MeritPoints.

TAMPO: {slumps} Great.

MASTER STICKLYMAN: Well, forget about him. What about 1-Up? He's still in your jailcell, right?

BRODY: Actually...

TAMPO: ...no, he isn't.

MASTER STICKLYMAN: What? {laughs} Don't tell me he escaped.

TAMPO: {chuckles nervously} No, he didn't escape.

MASTER STICKLYMAN: Then where is he?

STLUNKO: We released 1-Up to Stinkoman in return for saving our lives from Saargtsson who had used his spy Zyves to capture us. We would have been killed if Stinkoman did not intervene.

MASTER STICKLYMAN: Wait a second. I didn't get all of that, but are you saying you released 1-Up to Stinkoman for saving your life?

TAMPO: {embarrassed} Well, yeah...

MASTER STICKLYMAN: That definitely costs you 40 points. Leaving you with 40.

BRODY: {upset} Whatever you say, master.

MASTER STICKLYMAN: Let me guess, {chuckles} next thing you'll tell me is that you haven't battled Stinkoman in months.

TAMPO: Actually, now that you mention it...

MASTER STICKLYMAN: Ugh, you didn't, did you? Minus 10 MeritPoints! Now, let's see if you can redeem yourself. I've heard you have a successful email show.

TAMPO: {suddenly happy} Oh, yes! We do! It's great. We're doing it to boost your cause's popularity, of course. In fact, check this out. {to SuperCom} Hey, SuperCom. Go to www.stinkoman.com and view his forty-ninth email! {to the Master} Wait till you see this!

{The InstaNet loads and starts loading www.stinkoman.com. But suddenly the screen fizzes and shows Tampo's inbox instead, and then opens an email.}

Dear Tamp0,

Since you suck... Oh wait, that's all I wanted to say...
You suck. You and Joshua. You... suck.

{All four characters read the email in their minds.}

MASTER STICKLYMAN: Popular, eh?

TAMPO: SuperCom! What was that about?

SUPERCOM: I am sorry. My systems are still recovering from that virus.

TAMPO: Shhhhh!

MASTER STICKLYMAN: So you did cause that virus? Okay, I'm lowering your MeritPoints to 10. This guy's right. You guys do suck.

BRODY: Wait! We'll show you how good our email show is! Stlunko, open an email.

STLUNKO: I will now open a random email.

TAMPO: {singing} This email rap is awesome, this email rap is weird!

{Stlunko opens an email.}

Dear Jerk,
I know you were the one that fired those
holographical nukes and I'm pretty angry.
I'm plotting my revenge now!
-Mr. Cradgage

TAMPO: {reading} Dear Jerk, I know you were the one that fired those holographical... {stops reading} Uh, oh.

MASTER STICKLYMAN: I should have known! That's it, no MeritPoints for any of you. I'm going to take all your cash.

TAMPO: No, master! Please don't! Please!

{Sticklyman walks out of the room, his two bodyguard Kolkayrus close behind.}

{Cut to some hallway. The Jaro who was ordered not to talk is here with his friend. Both were apparently not in the room when the fader activated, as their visors are fine.}

MUTED JARO: Beeeeeep! Beep! Beeeeep! Beep! ... Beep!

OTHER JARO: You're right, this could be your last chance to get your ability to talk back. Go ahead and try it. I'll watch from a safe distance.

{Cut to the main room. All the robots and chickens are their with their visors/eyes messed up, not moving much. Tampo, Brody and Stlunko are there too, looking at the Master, who is in the middle of the room, ready to teleport, the box that holds all their money in hand. Tampo and Brody look upset.}

TAMPO, BRODY & STLUNKO: {simultaneously} Good-bye, great master.

{Suddenly the muted Jaro hops in and faces the master.}

MUTED JARO: {bows the best he can} Oh, great master! I am sorry-

MASTER STICKLYMAN: {angry} How dare your puny eyes see my great form?!

MUTED JARO: I am sorry, great master. But I have something important to tell you. You see, {quickly} Tampo was answering this email, and he whispered something, and I heard it, so I was ordered not to talk-

TAMPO: {visibly nervous} Silence, you Jaro!

MUTED JARO: No way! Anyway, as I was saying, he whispered Sticklyman to the emailer-

MASTER STICKLYMAN: {booming, angry} WHAT did you just say?!

MUTED JARO: I said- {realization hits him} Uh, oh.

{Sticklyman charges at the Jaro and hits him with his hand, sending the Jaro flying away in several pieces. But right before he hits, the Jaro ejects his brain-chip across the room and it the camera follows it. No one notices it, except for the Jaro's friend, who it lands next to. The Jaro is surprised, but then jumps on it, sucking it up and storing it inside him. Then he jumps away. Cut back to the main part of the room.}

MASTER STICKLYMAN: Well, that was obnoxious. Good-bye, underlings.

{There is a flash of light and then Sticklyman and his two Kolkaryus are gone.}

BRODY: Well, that sucked.

STLUNKO: Actually, it was not too bad.

TAMPO: What do you mean? He took all of our money!

STLUNKO: He only thinks he did. Observe. {produces another money-holding box in his hand}

TAMPO: Our money? How'd you get it back?

STLUNKO: He never took it. I gave him a different box. It only has $2 billion in it. A small fraction, but it should satisfy him.

TAMPO: {laughs} That's great. I didn't know you were capable of trickery like that. You've always seemed too... technical.

BRODY: Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

{Suddenly the robot and chicken crowd begins to stur, regaining their sight and hearing.}

TAMPO: Well, we can't let them know what you did. C'mon guys, let's go make ourselves big again.

{The boss trio leave the recovering robot and chicken crowds. Then the screen fades to the SuperCom, which is displaying the "Click here to email Tampo" pop-up.}

Easter Eggs

Click on "Tampo" to see another scene with the master and the boss trio.

{The three bosses and Sticklyman are in the computer room, just like they were before.}

MASTER STICKLYMAN: Let me guess, {chuckles} next thing you'll tell me is that [alternating phrase]

{Tampo and Brody glance at each other nervously.}

TAMPO: Actually, now that you mention it...

Every time you view this easter egg, Sticklyman says one of these phrases in this order.
- "You were the ones who ruined that promising green alien's life."
- "You guys were the ones who destroyed all those chicken factories I owned."
- "1-Up tricked you guys into getting all your pudding."
- "You fell in love with a human girl."
- "You three were singlehandedly defeated by a short, little blue guy with no arms."
- "You got trillions of dollars from your future selves and only told me about a fraction of it so you can keep all the money to yourselves."

Fun Facts

This email is continuing from the previous email, "master."
Sticklyman's first question, regarding a RealityBend virus, refers to the Tampo Email "virus."
Sticklyman's second question, regarding holographic nukes, refers to the Tampo Email "sb emails."
The little robot duck Sticklyman mentions is Zyves, and him being a spy for Saargtsson relates to the events that unfolded in the email "saargtsson."
1-Up being trapped in Tampo's jail cell and then being released to Stinkoman relate to the events from several Tampo Emails, beginning with 1-Up's capture in "attacked" and ending with his release in "saargtsson."
Tampo admits to not battling Stinkoman in months. The last time Tampo is shown battling Stinkoman is in the email "lazor beams," released 81 days ago. That is approximately 2 and a half months.
Tampo wanted his master to see the 49th Stinkoman Email because on it the emailer said that Tampo Emails are way better than Stinkoman Emails.
The muted Jaro said "CE" in morce code, which is the end of the word "chance."
The Jaro saying that Tampo whispered the Master's name refers to the previous email "master," where that Jaro heard Tampo whishper that word. The Jaro was commanded to never speak again.
The events Sticklyman accidentally mentions in the easter egg are from these emails, in relative order:
- "attacked"
- "chickens"
- "training"
- "girlfriend"
- "conquest"
- "future" and the ending of this email

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