Other Character Email Nebulon/hole

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Contents

Summary

Nebulon Email #31: "hole"

When Nebulon is asked about his favorite hobby, he ends up stuck in a hole with a timeshare loving Stobat.

Date: August 13, 2008

Characters: Nebulon, Charles, Stobat

Places: Condo, Hole

Length: 101 Lines

Previously on Nebulon Emails

  • Nebulon, after selling his house thinking it was burning down, was given a condo by An Ice Machine. (reunion)

Transcript

{Nebulon and Charles are sitting in a cramped condo.}

NEBULON: A condo with no email.

CHARLES: Tragic, isn't it.

NEBULON: And after all I spent on that computer!

CHARLES: It's too bad you couldn't just buy a new one or anything.

NEBULON: Hey, you know how much I hate shopping.

CHARLES: Oh wait, I think there might be a computer here in the corner. A common feature of every condo.

NEBULON: How convenient. So, should I make one of those cool email raps?

CHARLES: Perhaps you cold bring some new hilarious new spin to the word email. That's never been done before.

NEBULON: Okay! Email is a word in the Oxford English Dictionary. Tune in next time to find out more!

Hey nub.
What would you do if you were stuck
in a hole for a year!!???
A cactus.

NEBULON: Nub?

CHARLES: A cactus?

NEBULON: I am by no means a nub. I mean, just look at me! I mean, I'm much too big to be called a nub. Nubs are pretty small.

CHARLES: {typing} Dear cactus, how do you type with no central nervous system? Best wishes, your favorite nub of all time.

{He sends the email.}

NEBULON: THat was suprisingly derivative of you.

CHARLES: Sometimes the best solution is a back-to-basics approach.

NEBULON: I'll keep that in mind. So a hole, eh?

CHARLES: Oh, I've already answered this email. There's no need to respond to the inane question it asks.

NEBULON: But it's MY email show. I should get to answer my emails.

CHARLES: Sorry, my answer was much better than anything you could give.

NEBULON: But holes are cool!

CHARLES: Believe me, I've seen your copies of Hole Magazine.

NEBULON: You know, it's hard finding information about holes. Usually you can only find things on Courtney Love and children's books.

CHARLES: I'm dying here to know more.

NEBULON: Oh, you want the "hole" story?

CHARLES: That was an absolutely awful pun.

NEBULON: Did you know the first hole was discovered by George Washington?

{The phone rings.}

NEBULON: Whoa, this condo comes with a phone? I tell you, Charles, it's getting better all the time!

{He picks the phone up.}

NEBULON: Hello? Yes, this is Nebulon. No, I am not going to give you my condo. It has a phone and a computer and everything! What's a timeshare? Icey never mentioned anything about this!

{He hangs up.}

CHARLES: Oh well, looks like you'll have to find a new house. No harm done with 20 million Galactabucks.

NEBULON: But I hate shopping!

CHARLES: But the stores have gumball machines, remember?

NEBULON: {suspiciously} Last time they didn't.

CHARLES: This time they will.

NEBULON: Promise?

CHARLES: I promise.

NEBULON: Pinky promise?

CHARLES: I'm sure my metaphorical digits are metaphorically intertwining with your--

{A gigantic Stobat, the size of Nebulon, walks into the condo.}

STOBAT: Move it! It's my eight minutes a year that I paid for now, and no fat alien's gonna stop me.

NEBULON: How did you get here so fast?

STOBAT: Maybe I've been stalking you all day. Now move it! Scoot your lame styled boot!

NEBULON: What if I don't want to? I paid for this condo myself!

CHARLES: Let me explain time shares to you...

STOBAT: Did you two have a dance party in here or something?

CHARLES: We had plenty of time for that in our 8 minutes.

STOBAT: Yeah, well, you two losers managed to rip up my floor.

{Pan out to reveal a huge crack in the floor.}

NEBULON: Hey, it was fine until you busted in here and started jumping around and whining about your timeshare.

STOBAT: I'm going to use my eight minutes if it kills me.

CHARLES: Looks like it will!

{The floor collapses, leaving a huge pile of dust. When it clears, Nebulon and the Stobat are at the bottom of a hole.}

CHARLES: How ironic.

NEBULON: You could say life's a dit--

STOBAT: I'm going to want reinbursement from my lost time, you know.

NEBULON: And clearly I'm the one to whine to, huh?

STOBAT: I demand my money back!

NEBULON: Yeah, well, just wait until my buddy Charles gives you a snappy comeback!

{Nebulon looks around. Charles is gone.}

NEBULON: Charles?

CHARLES: {offscreen} Too bad you can't fly like me.

STOBAT: I will never do business with you again if I don't get a full refund!

NEBULON: Sorry, didn't bring any money with me in this hole.

STOBAT: {exasperated} So get out of the hole.

NEBULON: I'm guessing we're stuck here.

STOBAT: Stuck here? But how will I get a refund here?

NEBULON: I don't know. Maybe you could make a withdrawal from a river bank.

STOBAT: That doesn't even make sense. It's a hole, not a river.

NEBULON: Oh yeah. Well, make a withdrawal from a dirt bank.

STOBAT: There's no such thing.

NEBULON: You must be a real hit at parties, huh?

STOBAT: I find parties a waste of my time and productivity.

NEBULON: And vacationing isn't?

STOBAT: My timeshare is an--

NEBULON: Has this email show really gotten as low as so I spend time arguing with timeshares to some unnamed Stobat in some conviniently placed hole?

STOBAT: Well it certainly looks like it.

NEBULON: Well I've had enough of it!

{He crawls up the side of the hole easily.}

NEBULON: That wasn't a year! Take that, cactus!

CHARLES: You should have ended that email when I told you to, you know.

NEBULON: Charles, I have come to a realization.

CHARLES: Does it have to do with you wearing deodorant?

NEBULON: The public is tired of me sitting around and waiting for things to come to me!

CHARLES: You could also realize the many benefits of using deodorant.

NEBULON: I'm going to go out there and dig a hole I can get stuck in! No, I'll write a letter to the editor of Hole Monthly about a hole! No, no, I'll find a hole and search all the craters!

CHARLES: Sounds ambitious. I'll be here when you turn back two steps later and decide to hop back in the hole.

NEBULON: I'd never do that! I have real dreams, and it really hurts me when you trivialize them into things I'll never do... but it is a lot of work to dig a hole...

CHARLES: Here we go.

NEBULON: But I'll write that letter! But I don't have any paper.

CHARLES: That could make it difficult. Let's skip the part where you debate the finer points of searching for a crater and end this email.

{The Paper falls, saying "Email Nebulon at nebymail@nebulon.com!"}

NEBULON: Only I can do that!

CHARLES: Go jump in the hole.

NEBULON: Maybe I will!

{He does so, dejectedly.}

Fun Facts

  • Courtney Love was in a band called Hole.
  • Holes is a children's book by Louis Sachar.


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