Other Character Email Nebulon/cooking

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Contents

Summary

Nebulon Email #32: "cooking"

Nebulon is challenged to cook an excellent dinner for An Ice Machine, yet has trouble when the entree is still alive.

Characters: Nebulon, Charles, An Ice Machine, Raz

Place: Outside Nebulon's House, Nebulon's Email Room, Nebulon's Kitchen

Date: August 17, 2008

Length: 117 Lines

Previously on Nebulon Emails

  • Nebulon gave his house away due to a misunderstanding. (reunion)
  • Although he was given a condo, it was a short-lived timeshare that ended up collapsing when a fat Stobat entered. (hole)

Transcript

{Nebulon and Charles are at the door of his old base.}

CHARLES: Breaking and entering is always the solution when we don't get what we want.

NEBULON: If Icey finds us breaking in, we can just tell him we left something in here.

CHARLES: You mean "everything, which you gave to him?"

NEBULON: I'm not looking to get into schemantics.

{They enter, and head towards the computer.}

NEBULON: Now I can finally check my email!

CHARLES: Always a reason to break into property.

{An Ice Machine walks up.}

AN ICE MACHINE: Nebulon, did you just break into my house?

NEBULON: You should probably leave your door locked.

AN ICE MACHINE: You probably should have put a lock on the door, huh?

NEBULON: That's not my problem.

AN ICE MACHINE: So what do you need? Would you like another timeshare?

CHARLES: Nebulon here is so desperate for companionship he breaks into people's houses for company.

NEBULON: That's only happened once! This time I just want to check my email.

AN ICE MACHINE: Hey, I gave you a computer in your house. Do you really need to check your email all the time?

NEBULON: I need a non-dead computer, thanks.

AN ICE MACHINE: It's no problem if you want to check your email, though. Next time you might want to knock, though.

NEBULON: And how would I do that, Mr. Genice Machine?

CHARLES: The ambition was there, yet the application--

AN ICE MACHINE: I think you've done it before.

{He gestures towards the computer.}

AN ICE MACHINE: Go on, answer your email.

NEBULON: Hey, email answering is a private matter between me and--

CHARLES: Would you like to join us for this email?

AN ICE MACHINE: Sure, why not?

NEBULON: I get to choose the guest stars on my show!

CHARLES: And now you choose this guy.

AN ICE MACHINE: So how does this work? Do you say something inventive about email?

NEBULON: Oh fine. Email is a thing that I answer when I answer emails. Here's one right now!

Neby,
food is good
make me a food
percival

NEBULON: Food is good.

AN ICE MACHINE: I've got to agree with you on that.

CHARLES: I'm sure your robotic workings don't rust.

AN ICE MACHINE: Oh, actually I installed a modiication to let myself eat. It was just that fun.

NEBULON: Poor Charles. You'll never get to know the joys of roast Grundy.

AN ICE MACHINE: You don't roast Grundy, you have to fry it.

NEBULON: Fried Grundy? Maybe if you're an uncultured hick.

CHARLES: This argument is going places. How about grilled Grundy?

NEBULON: Grilled?

AN ICE MACHINE: Grilled Grundy? I've never tried it.

NEBULON: Well, that's where I beat you, for I know the best recipe for grilled Grundy ever made!

CHARLES: With all that experience from not cooking in the past ten years, I'm not surprised.

AN ICE MACHINE: I'll make you a deal, Nebulon. If you can cook me a grilled Grundy that's excellent, I'll leave this place and give you everything back. If not, you have to cook or me for the rest of your life.

CHARLES: Gee, I can't see anything wrong with that plan.

NEBULON: Yeah Icey, sounds like a lose-lose deal to me. I'll take it!

AN ICE MACHINE: You have sixty minutes to prepare a five course meal. You will have two sous-chefs-- oh wait, wrong show. Just cook me some Grundy.

NEBULON: Will do! Come along, Charles, we're gonna get cooking!

{Cut to the kitchen.}

CHARLES: So I have a recipe for grilled Grundy in my database, if you want to, oh I don't know, get your base back.

NEBULON: Charles, cooking is all about improvisation. Following recipes is just a way of stifling creativity.

CHARLES: You've been watching Rachel Ray, haven't you?

NEBULON: But she makes meals in 30 minutes!

CHARLES: Yes, and maybe you can too if you forget about her. So we need two Grundy thighs.

NEBULON: They should be in the fridge if that Ice Machine didn't reorganize my house.

{He opens the fridge door, and a Grundy walks out, dazed.}

GRUNDY: Oh, hey guys.

NEBULON: It's alive?

CHARLES: No, it's a recording.

NEBULON: I'm not touching it. Maybe you should--

GRUNDY: What are you guys talking about?

NEBULON: Oh, nothing, just, uh, a spider.

GRUNDY: There's a spider in here?

NEBULON: Yeah, you should get back in the fridge and crank up the cold. That'll stop any spiders from reaching you.

{He begins pushing the Grundy back towards the fridge.}

GRUNDY: Wait a second... is that barbeque sauce?

{He points towards a bottle of it.}

GRUNDY: Oh man, I could just drink that stuff all day!

CHARLES: Yes Nebulon, why don't you give the poor Grundy some barbeque sauce?

{Charles picks up the bottle, but ads a few drops from a bottle labeled "POISON" in it.}

NEBULON: Yeah, Grundy, drink up, I hear this is some really good barbeque sauce.

{He hands the bottle over, and the Grundy begins to guzzle the barbeque sauce.}

GRUNDY: Wow, that stuff is pretty delicious. Sweet, with a slight kick. And a refreshing poison aftertaste!

NEBULON: Only the finest from {reading bottle} Grandpa's Chickin' Sauce--

GRUNDY: Did you know some people kill Grundies, grill them, and smother them with barbeque sauce? Let me tell you, that really burns my biscuits!

CHARLES: I simply can't believe that would happen.

GRUNDY: It's a tragedy, I know. Let me tell you more about Grundy rights abuses--

{He continues to prattle on. Nebulon turns to Charles.}

NEBULON: {quietly} Shouldn't the poison have killed him already?

CHARLES: Probably, but it could take a while. Can't you just hit him with a laser ball?

NEBULON: That would be cruel!

GRUNDY: Grundy factory farms are cruel, you're right! And that's not all--

NEBULON: So, Grundy, what's your name?

RAZ: Me? I'm Raz. How about you?

NEBULON: "Neby," apparently. So Raz, besides barbeque sauce--

{Charles shoots Raz in the back.}

NEBULON: Since when do you have a gun?

CHARLES: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know I needed your permission to buy things.

NEBULON: Yeah, but you never leave my sight, and--

RAZ: ...and that's when I sold him, "Tort reform? More like short reform!"

NEBULON: How did you survive that?

{He pummels him with laser balls.}

CHARLES: I thought you said it was immoral.

NEBULON: Yeah, but I can always just say "Charles shot first" and everything will be okay.

CHARLES: I think I have to be other side.

RAZ: Say, are you guys trying to kill me?

NEBULON: Do you ever die?

{Nebulon blows Charles into Raz, who continues ramming into him.}

RAZ: Yeah, people try to kill me sometimes. Doesn't work that often, though. I don't know why. Maybe I'm magical or something!

{An Ice Machine enters.}

AN ICE MACHINE: There sure seems to be a lot of gunfire for cooking--

{Nebulon blows Raz into An Ice Machine's mouth.}

AN ICE MACHINE: Say! That's not bad. Really tender. A little undercooked, but that's fine with me. I guess you can have your base back, Nebs.

NEBULON: Well, I did remove the pinko commie freak from your fridge, so I guess I do deserve it.

CHARLES: So what's the catch?

AN ICE MACHINE: Honestly, you base is simply a money hole. There's no way to make money from it, and my base is a lot bigger than this. Plus, I'll melt if I stay here.

NEBULON: Wow, that sounds convenient.

RAZ: {from inside An Ice Machine} ...and Pan Pan still remains number one in Grundy abuse.

AN ICE MACHINE: You said it, stomach.

{An Ice Machine leaves. Nebulon and Charles walk back to the computer.}

NEBULON: {typing} Well Percy, I, unfortunately, have no food for you. Feel free to stop by this base, which is once again all mine, and stop by for dinne, which will be my dinner and not some oversized fridge's dinner.

CHARLES: Aren't you going to offer him the three half-open bottles of barbeque sauce?

NEBULON: Those are incentives only for repeat emailers. Want the spicy sauce? You're gonna need to email me!

{The Paper falls, saying "Email Nebulon at nebymail@nebulon.com!"}

Fun Facts

  • Raz and his adventures are a reference to Rasputin.


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