Other Character Email Nebulon/tryouts

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Contents

Summary

Nebulon Email #33: "tryouts"

When Nebulon realizes there is no drama left in his email show, he looks for some supporting cast.

Characters: Nebulon, Charles, Fat Stobat, Ted, Various Minions, Greg, Ghype, Harvax XVII

Places: Nebulon's Email Room, Community Center, Nebulon's Kitchen

Date: August 22, 2008

Length: 177 Lines

Previously On Nebulon Emails

  • Nebulon, after accidentally selling his base, regained possession of it. (cooking)

Transcript

{Nebulon and Charles are sitting at the Mechy.}

NEBULON: Good to be back again, eh Charles?

CHARLES: I was just dying for an extra dose of overconfidence and campiness.

NEBULON: Today I'm gonna jump right into a nice warm email!

liek omg nebs
ur show neds more drama
get sum more dramma plz!!!!111!!111!!1shifteleventy!!!11!
from me

{Nebulon reads the email, pronouncing the first few exclamation marks as "chks", then saying "ironic internet excitement."}

NEBULON: Hey, this email show has plenty of drama. Remember that time we put on Phantom of the Opera?

CHARLES: The camera ran out of film before we started rolling.

NEBULON: How about that time when I comforted that Terrell on his deathbed?

CHARLES: That never happened.

NEBULON: Well, what about that time where I became pregnant?

CHARLES: Are you ever not? What else do you fit inside that gigantic stomach?

NEBULON: Robot killing gas, maybe? I guess you're right {scroll up to check the email again} me. I'm usually right. This show does need more drama. I'll recite my monologue, then. Friends, Romans, country--

CHARLES: As thrilling as it is watching you recite your love for Shakespeare, I think talking to yourself is part of the problem.

NEBULON: So what do you suggest, Mr. I'm So Smart Because I Can Identify Obsc--

CHARLES: We need more people to cause drama.

NEBULON: Hey, I think we're full of drama with me talking to you and then me ignoring you. Clearly we need more monologues.

CHARLES: Why don't you head down to the community center and see if anyone there would like a job with some obscenely rich alien? I can't imagaine many would, but there's got to be someone who wants money badly.

NEBULON: Oh, sure, bribe people to cause drama. Well I'll tell you something Charles, that may have been okay with all the lonelygirls and Uri Gellers of the world, but I have morals. I--

CHARLES: Perhaps if there is more drama you would finally get that guest star you really wanted on this show.

NEBULON: You mean Alexander the Great might rise from the dead and appear on my show?

CHARLES: Oh, I am nearly certain.

NEBULON: THen I shall go to the community center.

{Cut to the Community Center. The fat Stobat from hole is standing at a podium with a microphone.}

STOBAT: ...and so if you are interested in procuring the most professional time shares, please call me on my cell phone. Thank you.

NEBULON: So I can just go up there on that podium with whatever boring junk I want to say and someone will listen?

{A passing Chorch turns towards Nebulon and Charles.}

CHORCH: Are you kidding? EVeryone here is so bored out of their minds they will listen and sign up with everything. I mean, who goes to a community center?

CHARLES: Well, it's certainly not you, that's for sure.

CHORCH: Hey man, that's not cool. I'm here because I heard that old washed up Greggo from Greggo and the Brains is here. Boy, did they get boring fast without Tampo's bass groove.

NEBULON: And you are?

CHORCH: Oh, I'm Ted. I write for the local culture section of the paper.

CHARLES: Oh, the one everyone uses to line their hampster cages?

TED: You know how many people can claim the honor of being in over ten thousand hampster cages? Not many. Oh, looks like the stage is opening. See you two later.

{They begin walking up to the stage.}

NEBULON: Cool guy.

CHARLES: Tampo fans who write the world's most boring drivel are on the top of my cool guy list too.

NEBULON: You just don't like Tampo because he's popular!

{They reach the stage. Nebulon begins talking into the mic.}

NEBULON: Hi, all you wonderful people. Anyone from the moon here tonight?

{Everyone cheers.}

NEBULON: Yeah! I'd like to play a song from my first album--

CHARLES: Or, if you'd prefer to not listen to an alien rasp out 80's kareoke, we will pay you to live in our house.

NEBULON: {singing} Her name is Rio and she dances in the sand.... {stops singing} Oh yeah, who wants to be in my wacky email show?

{The crowd begins to get excited.}

NEBULON: So I guess I should do the basic rotation of aptitude tests.

CHARLES: And by that you mean you are going to interview them and find out their relationships with--

NEBULON: Are you kidding? That would take forever!

CHARLES: So what do you suggest instead? An ice cream eating contest?

NEBULON: Okay, now you're just being ridculous.

{Cut to Nebulon's kitchen. A whole slew of robots are in a huge vat labled "FROZEN YOGURT," eating as much as they can.}

NEBULON: There's just way too many calories in ice cream.

CHARLES: How do you even plan to measure this?

NEBULON: We'll just have to rely on the honor system.

VOICE: {from inside vat} There's no more yogurt!

NEBULON: Okay then, come on out!

{The robots and birds climb up a ladder inside the vat. Nebulon walks up to a Jaro.}

NEBULON: How much yogurt did you eat?

JARO: A lot.

NEBULON: Right then, Charles, write that down.

{An annoyed Charles scribbles it down on a piece of paper. Nebulon walks to a Terrel.}

NEBULON: And you?

TERREL: Oh, I ate all of it.

NEBULON: Okay, mark down all of it. Next?

STOBAT FROM HOLE: I consumed all of it twice.

NEBULON: Ooh, not bad.

{Fade out. Fade back in. Nebulon is addressing the crowd.}

NEBULON: Hi guys. Well, our four finalists are Ted the Chorch, Greg Braine the Greggo, Harvax XVII the, uh, lobster, and Ghype the pyramid-shaped robot.

{They all step forward.}

CHARLES: Funny how they were the last four you asked.

NEBULON: Hey, it isn't your place to doubt the honor system. {addressing the crowd} Everyone else go home.

{With some muttering, the crowd exits.}

NEBULON: All right! Now there's only one more test left. Each of you will have to answer an email.

CHARLES: Clearly the best way of finding the best applicants.

NEBULON: Good point, consolation prize. Who's first?

GHYPE: Oh! Pick me! It's most excellent when I'm picked first!

NEBULON: Yeah, the pyramid guy can go first.

{They go to the computer room.}

NEBULON: So here are the rules. You have to check an email. Make sure to be funny. If you aren't, Charles can throw a grenade at you. Got it? Good. Go, Ghype.

GREG: Why can't I go first?

HARVAX XVII: Yeah, this first come first serve thing isn't very fair! We should solve these things through discussion!

TED: {eating a gallon of frozen yogurt} Ah, I anna oh erst!

NEBULON: You can all go first!

CHARLES: Oh, I'm sure that will work out.

NEBULON: Oh, it's easy. All you have to do is lie to them. Go, Ghype.

GHYPE: Email is a great pasttime of mine.

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GHYPE: This computer is making words for me to read!

NEBULON: Yeah, you're supposed to read them.

GHYPE: Sounds good.

{He stares at the screen.}

NEBULON: Aloud!

GREG: You should have let me go first.

TED: Yeah, I don't think he even knows what a computer is, to tell you the truth.

HARVAX XVII: {licking the empty container} Let him off easily, though!

GHYPE: The email is selling drugs.

NEBULON: And how does that make you feel?

GHYPE: Drugs may not be good, or so I've heard.

CHARLES: You are the worst character ever.

NEBULON: Yeah, we're not really a fan of your personality. I'm looking for more of an "Odie" to my Jon and Charles's Garfield, and you're too much of a Nermal. Understand?

GHYPE: Drugs! Online!

CHARLES: Yes, that's great.

{He throws a grenade at Ghype, which quickly explodes.}

NEBULON: Next?

GREG: I think I asked first!

NEBULON: Yeah, sure. Hey, you were that singer!

GREG: I'll have you know I've lent my banjo playing skills to our new bluegrass band, and no, I will not tell you about Tampo.

CHARLES: So tell me more about how Hollywood rejected you.

GREG: I was too good to live the high life! No, I've got to nourish my music by working at ome beat up hovel!

CHARLES: It's always magical when a dictionary starts talking.

HARVAX XVII: Hey, that's not very nice!

NEBULON: Shut up, Hax. Alright Greg, here's your email. Make sure you don't mess this one up.

Please Review Information Below One of our agents has been trying to contact you regarding your home. Three Companies are interested in doing business with you and we strongly feel you will be interested in hearing more about it. Looking fwd to hearing from you Kathy Starr Division 43 - Team Leader - InfinityAlerts

{Greg reads the email in a monotone. He turns to Nebulon.}

GREG: Looks like a scam here.

NEBULON: Show, don't tell: tell me why you think it's a scam.

GREG: Well, it probably has to do something to do with how no one would ever want to buy this house.

NEBULON: Did you do any fact checking? I sold my house before this. Don't you watch the archives?

GREG: It also has to do with how you can't trust anyone named Kathy. Or with a last name of "Starr."

NEBULON: Go on.

GREG: In conclusion I think Huckleberry Finn was Twain's greatest work and speaks to the child in every one of us. Am I hired yet?

NEBULON: No, we have to go through the other two before we make our choice!

CHARLES: And the "not this guy" choice is really that far away.

NEBULON: I see real promise here. This guy's cool, apathetic attitude could really hook our youth age bracket.

CHARLES: Well, there's certainly no one else with that attitude here.

GREG: {eating the yogurt box} Are you going to actually interview anyone or do I have to keep sitting in this really uncomfortable chair?

NEBULON: Harvax is up next.

TED: How come I have to go last?

NEBULON: Well, we already have a pretty good Chorch, so affirmative action won't get on our backs for not hiring you. Okay, Harvax, go.

HARVAX XVII: I've never had a job where I got to answer emails before!

this is how u maek me feel when u hurt me

{Harvax reads the email.}

HARVAX XVII: So how do I click on it?

NEBULON: Oh, our mouse is in for repairs.

{Cut to the basement, where a mouse is locked in a huge pile labeled BWOKEN. Cut back to the email.}

CHARLES: Yes, you'll have to answer this email without the soundtrack.

HARVAX XVII: I don't think anyone should hurt anyone.

NEBULON: Apparently you've managed to hurt someone, though.

HARVAX XVII: Oh no! Well, I guess I should reply to them and apologize, huh?

NEBULON: Hey, I'm a leader. I'm not here to tell you what to do, I'm here to guide you through the process of trying out.

HARVAX XVII: Wow, thanks! So how do I reply? I'm not good with computers, you see.

CHARLES: Clearly this means you should apply to a computer job.

NEBULON: Well, I think we've seen enough. Take a seat, Harvax. So that just leaves Ted.

TED: Oh, all right. Hey guys.

NEBULON: 'Sup, Ted. Ready to check an email?

TED: Yeah, sure.

GREG: Can we just hire me already?

HARVAX XVII: Greg, that's not very fair to Ted or me!

GREG: How did you ever survive in the city with an attitude like that?

HARVAX XVII: Oh, I never lived in the city. Mom and Dad did, but I ran away when I was five. Apparently I'm a discrace to my family, but if I think happy thoughts I feel a lot better about that.

NEBULON: Hey, shut up back there! Ted's gotta answer his email.

TED: Okay, uh, this is an email rhyme because it's email time.

Hi Apple Tech Support,
I seem to have some trouble hooking up my iPod to the computer
When I connect it, it tells me "Error 0x0000029F" and shuts down
PLZ HELP
-Sally
P.S. I am in Microsoft XP

TED: I am pretty experienced with computers.

NEBULON: All right! That puts you above all of your compitition.

TED: Sally, what you need to do is switch to Linux and--

CHARLES: Thanks for playing, you're fired.

NEBULON: Harvax, you're hired.

CHARLES: My colleague seems to have misspoke. Clearly he meant to hire the competent applicant, Greg.

NEBULON: I think Harvax would cause more drama.

HARVAX XVII: I just want you guys to know I'm happy with any decision you make.

NEBULON: I'll just hire both of them, then.

CHARLES: That's fine. Not my twenty million I'm wasting.

NEBULON: Alright, Ted, you and your Linux loving head should get out of my base.

TED: You better believe the culture page will hear about this!

HARVAX XVII: Have a safe journey, Ted!

NEBULON: All right, new hires, Charles will lead you to your rooms.

CHARLES: Do you mean the least full corners of the basement?

NEBULON: They're very roomy corners!

{The three of them leave. Nebulon opens up his email again.}

NEBULON: {typing} Well, I guess you were right, myself. Hopefully my new colleagues add a spice we need to my email show. Something not too strong, but sort of spice. Like a spicy garlic powder. Email me, and you can see just how dramatic things are going to get!

{The Paper falls, saying "Email Nebulon at nebymail@nebulon.com!"}

Fun Facts

  • Garfield is an infamous comic strip published by Jim Davis, featuring Jon, Garfield, Odie, and Nermal.
  • Ghype was a character in the first series of Nebulon Emails.
  • This is the first email in Series Two that features more than one email.
  • Nebulon is singing "Rio" by Duran Duran at the community center.


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