Coach Z Emails/war

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Contents

Overview

#9: war

Coach Z defends his home toif.

CAST: {in order of appearance} Coach Z, Bubs, The Poopsmith, Strong Bad, Strong Mad, Homestar Runner, Strong Sad, Homsar, Frank Benedetto

PLACES: The Locker Room, Strong Badia, The Field, The Bar

PAGE TITLE: Crusty x86!!

DATE: February 23, 2010

Transcript

COACH Z: {typing 'run check'at_email.exe'} Coach Z and the Crusty, together at last! How you think I chicky-check my email so fast?

Subject:Freestyle

Dear Coach Z,

I've heard rumors that it's possible to rap
about nothing while still somewhat making
sense. Is this true?

Your dog,
CC

COACH Z: {typing} Well, Cici, that's what rap's all about! I mean, I drop nonsense rhymes on a daily basis! I mean, watch this, right now! Right now! Right now! {rapping} Coach Z on the miggidy-miggidy-mic, that's right! I gotta lotta whooza bgh-

{Suddenly, a message appears on the Crusty.}


woops!!

Bubs' Concession Stand, LLC.
We regret to inform you that you been annexed, child.

COACH Z: {speaking} Wait a minute— what's this garbage?

{Bubs walks in.}

BUBS: Hey, Coach!

COACH Z: Bubs, what's on my dang computer? And how do I get it off?

BUBS: Oh, you don't! It's officially part of my new location!

COACH Z: New location...?!

BUBS: That's rrrrright! This locker room has been incorporated into the Bubs Concession Stand family—we're branchin' out!

COACH Z: But—this is, like, my house!

BUBS: Now you live inside my Euro-Bubs Concession Stand! It's a privilege!

COACH Z: {angry} No dang way, man! This is an invasion of privacy!

BUBS: Consider it more of an absorption of property! That sounds much less horrible!

COACH Z: Well, you got a point there... {angry} But I ain't takin' this sitting down! You'll hear from my lawyers or my fists—whichever ones I decide to call on first!

BUBS: Alright, make way, make way! This is gonna be the gift shop!

{The Poopsmith walks up, picks Coach Z up in his questionable shovel, and escorts him out.}

COACH Z: {offscreen} Ooh! Luxurious!

{Cut to Strong Badia. Coach Z is sitting down against the fence, next to the Tire. It is raining, and Coach Z is dripping wet. He has a noticeable 5 o'clock shadow.}

COACH Z: Oooooh... I'm homeless...

{Coach Z turns to the Tire for a second.}

COACH Z: Well... it ain't no use makin a bad sitch'yation worse... {talking to the Tire} Hey, buddy, mind sparing a bite to eat? You, uh... gonna finish that white trim?

{The Tire rolls off away from Coach Z.}

COACH Z: Ooooooooohhhhh... I ain't even got any liquor to help me through the hard ti-hi-hi-hiiiimes....

{Coach Z breaks down, sobbing into his hands. Suddenly, the rain lets up and Strong Bad walks up to Coach Z.}

STRONG BAD: Coach, what are you doing here?!

COACH Z: I've been evicted from my own dang property, Stram Bad...

STRONG BAD: Well can you move? We're trying to prep the mud, here!

{Zoom out to show Strong Mad holding a dripping hose.}

STRONG MAD: WHERE'S MY MUD PIE?

STRONG BAD: We'll get to the inedibles soon, kid, just wait a bit. {talking to Coach Z} Anyhow, Coach, you're gonna need to move! We don't take kindly to loitering types, here!

COACH Z: B-but Strong Bad, I ain't got a home! I'm a vagrant! A vagabond! A virtuoso, even!

STRONG BAD: Oh, come on! I don't think Bubs has a house and he's doing just fine!

COACH Z: {angry} Don't even say that name, Wrestleman! He's my problem, here!

STRONG BAD: Well I don't solve problems, okay? Unless, like, the solutions involve razor blades, trip wires, and logs tied to vines. ... Does it?

{Cut to the Field, where Homestar is standing on the soap box. On the box, it says "I LOST COUNT, GUY".}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Scotch tape! Scotch tape, I said!

{Coach Z walks up to Homestar.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh, hey, Coach! What does you?

COACH Z: Oh, Homestar, I'm— What does me?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Yeah, it's short for "what does you happenin'"! I made it up just a couple minutes ago! {secretively} I'm hopin' Webster and Merriam pick up on it. Then I'll be rakin' it in!

COACH Z: Okay, then! Anyhow, {sadly} I'm stuck in a rut, Homestar!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh, that's depressing.

COACH Z: Yeah, Bubs kidnapped my house, and I can't get it back!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Annexation, eh? That sounds vaguely military-like!

COACH Z: Wait, wh— you can help?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: That's right, I can!

{Homestar looks at the camera.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: It looks like it's time for Homestar the Runner to meet back up with his ol' war buddies!

{Cut to the Bar. Homestar, Strong Sad, Coach Z, Homsar, and Frank Benedetto are sitting at a round table. (The painting of the Guy with a Knife was KIA. RIP.)}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Alright, guys. I know it's been a long time, and some of us walked out with our own scars...

STRONG SAD: I can never wash his blood off my hands... no matter how hard I scrub!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Uh, Strong Sad? You just broke the training dummy. He's all better.

STRONG SAD: B-but I never told him 'I'm sorry'...

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Anyhow, it looks like we have a new enemy to freedom! And that person... is Bubs!

{Homestar unfurls a blueprint and lays it on the table. It is marked "GAME PWAN".}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {clears throat, talkin' serious} At approximately oh-yester-hundred hours ago, I recieved news that Coach Z, our proud new ally, was forcibly evicted from his home after the annexation of his property by Bubs! As you know, Bubs has been liberal with his exercising of power... but I believe it's time to stop his reign of terror once and for all!

STRONG SAD: Woah! ... Homestar, did you practice that?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh, that? I think I was quoting Stripes. Anyhow, we attack tomorrow! This... is Coach Z Email #9!

{Pause}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: War!

{Homsar opens his mouth and what sounds like applause taken from a Hitler Youth rally plays.}

{Cut to the Field at night. Homestar and the Homestarmy (plus Coach Z) are creepin' along, dressed in all-black. Homsar is waddling through the air, somehow.}

STRONG SAD: {quietly} So what's our plan of action?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {quietly} I dunno, but our plan of action is we go up to Bubs and kick him out!

COACH Z: {quietly} That's a solid idea if I ever heard one!

HOMSAR: {quietly} It's a bread-letter daaaaay.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Alright, we're approaching the location. Benedetto, you scout for enemy troops!

{Homestar slides Benedetto ahead a couple feet. After a 10-second lull, the frame shifts back to the Homestarmy.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Phew! The coast's clear; let's move in!

{Cut to the Locker Room, where Bubs has set up shop. He's cleaning the benches, while "root-da-doot-doo"ing to himself, quietly. The Homestarmy sneaks in through the shower room.}

COACH Z: {quietly} Look at that—he's cleanin' house! That sonuva...

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Shh!

{Homestar begins to wiggle erratically.}

STRONG SAD: Uh... what are you doing?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: I'm doin' hand signals!

COACH Z: Can't we just, you know... kick him? In the knees?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: No, we'll need to do one better... Coach, where's your computer?

COACH Z: No! No way you're touchin' the Crusty! She's my one and only lover!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: But what about Marzipan? You two were perfect for eachother!

BUBS: {offscreen} Wait a mo'... who there?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh, forget it! Fire mortars!

{Homsar opens his mouth and ejects a missile from it. It hits Bubs' setup, sending him and all of his stuff flying out in a large explosion.}

COACH Z: Hurrah!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: I, uh... didn't think that would work, actually!

HOMSAR: I make the mooooost out of a molehill...

STRONG SAD: Three cheers for democracy!

COACH Z: Hip hip, hoo... wait a minute... what about my Crusty? What happened to my Crusty?!

{Coach Z runs over to the site of the explosion to see his computer in tip top shape.}

COACH Z: Oh, that's a relief!

{Coach Z sits down at the Crusty and begins to type.}

COACH Z: {typing} Well, whoever, I'm afraid I don't remember your question, but I think a "yes" will suffice! {speaking} Well, that's it for me! I've gotta go celebrate my victory with a nice cold fotie!

{Coach Z gets up. The Napkin descends.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {offscreen} Aww, what a happy ending!

Easter Eggs

  • Click on Homestar during his little speech to make the background change to a waving American flag.
  • Click on "yes" after The Napkin descends to see a Bubs error message.

woops!!

I'm comin' for you!
This ain't a threat, it's a promise!

Fun Facts

  • The opening email rap was unintentionally a reference to the first scroll button song used on the Lappy 486. My B, G.
  • Homestar absolutely did not quote Stripes.



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