Coach Z Emails/lottery

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Overview

#13: lottery

Coach Z lucks out, for once.

CHARACTERS: (in order of appearance) Coach Z, Bubs, Strong Bad, Strong Mad, The Cheat, Homestar Runner

PLACES: The Locker Room, Bubs' Concession Stand, The Stick, The Shower Room, The Field

PAGE TITLE: Crusty x86!

DATE: March 2, 2010

Transcript

COACH Z: {typing "run check'at_email.exe"} Sometimes, I wish I had a dog. He'd be my dog, and he would be called Flaurence. We would go to the store together!

subject: lottery

Yo, Coachm'n!
Have you ever bought a lottery ticket?
If so, how'd it go?
With much stanks,
Vice President Wheelson Chairman

COACH Z: Ooh! A vice president! I've never met one of those! {typing} Well, VP, I've always ever bought a lottery ticket! Pretty much my entire future depends on it! I mean, you only make so much from coaching... wait, do I even get paid? {clears screen} I digress, though! My lotto-goings usually end in tragedy, I'm afraid to say, as none of my tickets have won yet. But I'm still holding out hope, I am! In fact... I might as well stop by Bubs' and see if I don't luck out!

{Coach Z gets up and walks out.}

{Cut to Bubs' Concession Stand. Bubs is standing there, posing like a figure-skater, for some reason. Coach Z walks up and puts an arm on the counter.}

COACH Z: Hey, there, my buddy Bubs!

BUBS: Hey, Coach! What goes on?

COACH Z: Not much, just usin' that computer you sold me to check-a my emails!

BUBS: Wait, that thing works?!

COACH Z: Like a charm!

BUBS: Aww, shoot!

{Bubs takes out a tape recorder and begins speaking into it.}

BUBS: {quietly} Note to self: "forget" to give customers the power cord.

{Bubs tosses the tape recorder away.}

BUBS: Anyhow, Coach, how can I help you?

COACH Z: Well, it's a Somedays, so I might as well stop by for a lotto ticket!

BUBS: A ticket, huh? What kind you want?

COACH Z: Get me one o' them "Ali Bubba's Fantazzical Treasures"!

{Bubs grabs a ticket from offscreen and hands it to Coach Z.}

BUBS: Alright, then! I'll put the cost on yer tab! {angry} I'm expecting it by the end of the month!

COACH Z: Oh, you'll see the money, bud!

{Coach Z scratches at the lottery ticket for a couple seconds, then drops it in shock.}

BUBS: Hey, what gives? Why you standing there? {angry} We don't tolerate loitering!

COACH Z: No, no! I... I won!

{Coach Z picks up the ticket, and holds it in the air in triumph.}

COACH Z: It's a dang miracle! I won a whole 20 bucks!

BUBS: 20 bucks?!

{Bubs pulls out Marzipan's answering machine and starts talking into it.}

BUBS: {quietly} Note to self: don't write down actual numbers on the tickets.

{Bubs tosses the answering machine offscreen.}

BUBS: Man, Coach, you're a lucky so-and-so! 20 whole dollars?

COACH Z: Yeah, no foolin'! Boy, I wonder what I can buy with all this dough...?

{Bubs hands Coach a 20 dollar bill.}

BUBS: Well you'd better decide before you've got relatives crawlin' out of the woodwork! Speaking of...

{Bubs puts on a purple and blue hat.}

BUBS: It's me! Your cousin, Reginald!

{Cut to the Stick. Strong Bad, The Cheat, and Strong Mad are there, hangin' it.}

STRONG BAD: ...and so I said, "rebate? Why I never!"

{The other two laugh heartily. Coach Z walks onscreen, holding his 20 dollar bill.}

COACH Z: Hey, Strong Bad!

STRONG BAD: Pffgh. Hey, Pajama Sam.

COACH Z: So, my good friends! How's it hangin' over here at this twig?

STRONG BAD: He's not a twig, he's a s— wait, what you got in your hand?

COACH Z: Oh, this? {holds up money} This is just my lotto money! 20 little ones!

STRONG BAD: Wait, what?! Coach Z gets money and I don't? How th—

COACH Z: 32 years of commitment has finally paid off!

{The Cheat murmurs something to Strong Bad. Strong Bad nods in agreement.}

STRONG BAD: So, Coach! What do you plan on buying with all that money?

COACH Z: Oh, I dunno, prolly some fancy keyboard, or maybe a lawn chair...

STRONG BAD: Really? Well if you invest your 20 dollars in the "Buy Strong Bad and The Cheat Convertibles" fund, we can return all that money to you twicefold, through energy conservation and not running your legs over when we totally get those convertibles!

COACH Z: I don't know about that, Strong Bad, I mean... I kinda want to use this to get m'self something, you know what I mean?

STRONG BAD: Auuugh! I thought that would work!

{The Cheat squeaks in apology. That does not stop him from being on the receiving end of a kick.}

{Strong Bad kicks The Cheat, so we're clear. As The Cheat flies offscreen, Coach Z shrugs and walks off.}

STRONG BAD: Last time I take his suggestions. Strong Mad, what you think we should do for hangin' out?

STRONG MAD: LET'S GO BUILD A BARN!

STRONG BAD: Build a barn?!

{Cut to the Locker Room. Coach Z is at his locker, hanging a picture frame on the inside of the door. When he moves away, you can see that it is a picture of him and his 20, posing for the camera.}

COACH Z: Ohhh, those were good times.

{Homestar Runner walks up to Coach Z.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Hey, Coach!

COACH Z: Oh, hey, Star-job! How's it goin'?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Pretty decent! So I heard you got lucky at the lotto, huh?

COACH Z: Oh, yeah! Me and this 20, here, we got some history behind us!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: So you haven't spent it?

COACH Z: Nope, not yet!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Well! ... {slyly} Say, Coach, do I see a moist towel over there?

COACH Z: A moist what?!

{Coach Z looks around, and Homestar (while Coach Z isn't looking) swipes the picture from inside of Coach Z's locker.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Ha-ha! It's mine!

COACH Z: {turning back} What?!

{Homestar Runner holds up the picture in triumph.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: It looks like Homestar Runner comes out on top again! Now, then, I'm gonna go buy me some rollerskates!

{Homestar runs off, laughing.}

COACH Z: I wish him the best of luck!

{Cut to the Field, where there is a barn. Strong Bad and Strong Mad are standing in front of it.}

STRONG BAD: Man! We did a pretty good job, you and I!

STRONG MAD: I MAJORED IN ARCHITECTURE!

STRONG BAD: But... it feels like we're missing something. Maybe... Coach Z's 20 bucks?

STRONG MAD: MONEY WILL NEVER FILL THE HOLE IN OUR HEARTS!

STRONG BAD: Yeah, says you. I'm pretty sure the hole in my heart's money-sized. Anyhow, we gotta scam Coach Z out of that money, just 'cause!

STRONG MAD: EXTORTION! EXTORTION!

STRONG BAD: I dunno, Graw Mad. I think we should save the "dangle him from a bridge" method for last. For now, let's go for... a-the sympathy swindle!

{Cut to Bubs' Concession Stand. Coach Z is standing there, waiting on Bubs, apparently. Strong Bad walks up to Coach Z, holding a tin cup and wearing a beanie and an old flannel shirt.}

STRONG BAD: {gruffly} Oh, no! I'm homeless or something! I need money to fuel my crippling chocoholism! {feigning illness} Cough, cough, cholera!

COACH Z: Oh, geez! A smelly hobo!

STRONG BAD: Yeah, I'm that!

COACH Z: Man, I gotta tell you, the hobo life ain't worth it! I was once one o' those, and believe me, roasted rat doesn't taste good on the way in or on the way down!

STRONG BAD: {normally} Euuurgh! I don't— I don't think this is worth it. At all.

COACH Z: Yeah, no, that's what I mean! And let me tell you, the things I did for favors...!

STRONG BAD: AaaaaaAAAAAAAAH

{Cut to the Shower Room. Coach Z is scrubbing up. His 20 is sticking ever so slightly out of his pocket(?). Meanwhile, in the Locker Room just outside, Strong Bad and Strong Mad are hiding behind a row of lockers. Strong Bad is holding a fishing rod.}

STRONG BAD: {quietly} Alright, Strong Mad. This time, we're goin' with the "fish it out yer pockets" deal! Nothing beats the thrill of the catch, right?

STRONG MAD: I FORGOT THE BAIT!

STRONG BAD: Oh, trust me, we're not gonna need it!

{Strong Bad casts his line. It whizzes through the air, ever so silently. Cut to a view of Strong Bad, holding the fishing rod. The whizzing stops, and Strong Bad smiles.}

STRONG BAD: Alright! We've got him!

{Strong Bad pulls back on his line, only to reveal that the line caught Coach Z's hat. As the hat lay on the ground, a horrible green fog pours out of it.}

STRONG BAD: Aaah, aaaah! Bail! BAIL!

{Strong Bad and Strong Mad run off, coughing and sputtering.}

{Cut to the Field. Coach Z and Bubs are there, on their lawn chairs, drinkin' brewskis like pals. Strong Bad and Strong Mad, yet again, walk up to Coach Z.}

STRONG BAD: {disgruntled} Hey, Coach.

COACH Z: Oh, hey, Strong Bad! How goes it?

STRONG BAD: Let's cut to the chase, okay? Can we— can we just have your money?

COACH Z: What? Naw!

STRONG BAD: Aaaaaaaaaaugh! But we've tried like everything else! Can't you at least notice the fact that I'm b—being nice?

COACH Z: Well, no, I'd honor your question there, Strong Bad... but I already spent my money!

STRONG BAD: Wait, what? I can't bel— what would you— What did you even spend it on, it's like 20 bucks!

COACH Z: I bought eighty gumballs! It was the best purchase of my young life!

STRONG BAD: {exasperatedly} AAAAAAAAAAUGH! I can't believe I wasted my friggin' time with— Strong Mad, let's go back and paint that barn we built.

STRONG MAD: I'M WITH STUPID!

STRONG BAD: N—not now...

{Cut to the barn. Strong Bad and Strong Mad walk up to it. Suddenly, The Cheat flies from offscreen into the barn, making it collapse.}

STRONG MAD: YOU KILL EVERYTHING I LOVE!

{Cut to the Locker Room. Coach Z walks back onscreen and sits down at the Crusty.}

COACH Z: {typing} So, Wheelbie, that's how my lottery went! I mean, I didn't even get stoned to death or anything! And that's a good sign! {speaking} Anyhow, that does it for today... I gots business to attend to!

{Coach Z gets up and walks offscreen.}

{The Napkin descends.}

Easter Egg

  • Click on good sign to see an extra scene.

Easter Egg Transcript

{Cut to the Stick. Homestar Runner is standing there, looking offscreen, mouth agape. He is standing on one rollerskated foot.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Wow! That's amazing!

{Suddenly, the frame pans over to show Coach Z, with a pinkish beard.}

COACH Z: I've finally achieved my dreams of owning a bubblegum beard! It's like my childhood all over again!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: That is an amazing hat and where can I get one.

{Homestar rolls off.}

Fun Facts

  • Coach Z's remark about stoning is a reference to "The Lottery", a short story.



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