Coach Z Emails/greasiest
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Overview
#16: greasiest
Coach Z and Bubs get greased up.
CAST: (in order of appearance) Coach Z, Bubs, Homestar Runner, The Cheat, The King of Town, The Poopsmith, Marzipan, Cardboard Homestar, Strong Mad, Strong Sad (easter egg), An Announcer (easter egg)
PLACES: The Locker Room, Bubs' Concession Stand, The Pool, The King of Town's Castle, Marzipan's House, Strong Sad's Room (easter egg), Discount ANTS (easter egg), Marzipan's Garden (easter egg)
PAGE TITLE: Crusty x86!
DATE: March 30, 2010
Transcript
COACH Z: {typing "run check'at_email.exe"} Clear the launchway, fellas! We're takin' this email to the moon!
subject: grossestDear Coach Z
What is the greasiest thing you have ever done ever?Your frind, Hobo Brown
COACH Z: {typing} Hobo, eh, Brown? Lemme tell ya, the hobo life ain't worth it! Boy, after what I've had to eat... Just so ya know, Sterno won't replace solid foods! Anyhow, {clears screen} you're asking about the greasiest thing I've ever done? That's quite a broad term there, "greasiest". You know, you could be describing my escapades, my lady-scapades, my food-scapades... Everything I do has that nasty butt-patina that makes me me! Though, one time, me and Bubs did get this pretty greasy idea...! Lemme tell you all about it!
{Cut to a blueprint of Coach Z (marked "coach") and Bubs (marked "bubs") standing near the pool (marked "'ool").}
COACH Z: {v.o.} So here's how it was gonna go down, see? So me and Bubs, shown here, were gonna fill this pool ups with grease, see?
{A drum of grease (marked "gron sad's") is poured into the pool, filling it up with bubbling oil.}
COACH Z: And then, we was gonna dump a big ol' batch o' chicken wings in there!
{A big bag of chicken wings (marked "chix wix") is emptied into the pool. They float up a bit later, steaming hot.}
COACH Z: So now we have all these chicken wings, right? Right, so we were gonna open a big ol' franchise with it!
{A building is built up around the pool, with a sign saying "bubba coach's choice chicken". A line of generic stick figures forms in front of the building.}
COACH Z: Or at least I think that's what we decided on.
{The sign changes to "coach bubs' discount ANTS".}
COACH Z: Either way, we were gonna make millions!
{Bubs and Coach Z pop up on top of the building, holding sacks of money. Ants start crawling up their bodies.}
{Quick cut back to the Crusty.}
COACH Z: {typing} It was a good idea in theory, Professor, but we never got it off the ground, somehow. I mean, you've gotta consider how much grease we could get from Strong Sad alone! And come on, how hard is it to kill about a hundred chickens with your bare hands? I've done at least half that in '78! {clears screen} But you know, it wouldn't hurt to try again at least once! I should go hit up Bubs' and see what he's got to say!
{Coach Z gets up and walks off.}
{Cut to Bubs' Concession Stand. Bubs is washing a glass. Coach Z walks up to the counter.}
BUBS: Hey, Coach! What's good, man?
COACH Z: Hey, Bubs! You know, I just got an email about the greasiest thing I've ever done!
BUBS: You tell 'em about your jail sentence?
COACH Z: Naww, that's another email for another time. No, this time, I told 'em about the "Chicken Wing Gambit"!
BUBS: {angry} Dangit, Coach, we both swore to secrecy! Never again!
COACH Z: Well you know what? I wanna try again, for old time's sake!
BUBS: {delighted} Certainly! It's been so long since I've tainted food, I'm starting to get antsy!
COACH Z: {whispering} We doin' the ant thing too?
BUBS: Never again.
{Cut to the pool. It is filled with grease. Drums marked "Gron Sad's" are seen slightly offscreen. Coach Z is there, admiring his handiwork.}
COACH Z: Wow... never before have I seen such a pool of grease! And I'm definitely counting the time that Arby's exploded!
{Homestar Runner walks up to Coach Z.}
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Woah, what smells like bacons?
COACH Z: Oh, hey, Homestar!
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Hey, Coach! You gon' go swimmin' or somethin'? You know, I always had you as a skinny dipper, myself...!
COACH Z: Naw, this is different, Homestar! This is for our big plan, y'know?
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Yeah, no, I do. What'cha gonna do with it?
{Suddenly, a truck backs up onscreen. It dumps its load—a huge amount of chicken wings, drumsticks, cutlets, and what have you—into the grease-filled pool.}
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Ooh! I love burgers!
{Bubs gets out of his truck.}
BUBS: I'm back!
COACH Z: Wow, where'd you get all them chicken parts?
BUBS: I personally killed one thousand chickens with my bare hands!
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Awww, that's adorable!
COACH Z: Man, we got the grease, we got the meats, all we need now...!
BUBS: Is the heats!
COACH Z: Is the heats!
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Is The Cheat!
BUBS: Fire it up!
{Cut to an underground furnace. The Cheat starts shoveling coal into the pit, starting a large fire. Above ground, the pool starts bubbling.}
COACH Z: It's aliiiiive!
BUBS: Man, we gonna rake in all that dough!
HOMESTAR RUNNER: What, you gon' open a bakery?
BUBS: Ooh, I like your thinking!
COACH Z: Oh, man, in seconds, we's gonna have a Bruce-valanche of chicken wings!
{Quick, wooshing pan over to the King of Town's castle. The King is writing a note to himself, when suddenly the scent of fried food wafts in through the window. The King slowly turns his head toward the window.}
COACH Z: {offscreen, echoed} Chicken wings! Chicken wings! Chicken wings!
{The King of Town stands up.}
KING OF TOWN: Poopsmith! Get the wheelbarrow!
{Cut back to the pool. Homestar is standing on one foot now.}
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Mmm, I can smell all those glutrimates!
{Suddenly, the sound of a siren (poorly imitated by the King) can be heard. Pan over to show The Poopsmith pulling the King in a wheelbarrow like a rickshaw.}
BUBS: Oh, crap! The King!
COACH Z: Aww, nuts! I knew we should have invested in acrylic shielding! {angry} You ruined this for me, Bubs!
BUBS: {sad} Both our dreams have been crushed.
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Man, this is just ants on a grasshopper.
BUBS: I don't— {confused} What?
{The Poopsmith makes a hard stop, flinging the King out of the wheelbarrow.}
KING OF TOWN: Move aside, everybody! This is gonna be a big one!
{The King dives into the pool.}
{Cut to Marzipan's living room. Marzipan is knitting a "dolphin doily". Cardboard Homestar is sitting beside her.}
MARZIPAN: The dolphins will just love these doilies! They're good for the environment and they're great decorations!
CARDBOARD HOMESTAR: Mawzipan, you such a smawt.
{The camera rotates to a view of the window in front of her couch. A large tsunami of grease can be seen approaching the house, slowly.}
MARZIPAN: That— that's not good.
STRONG MAD: {offscreen} HANG TEN!
{The wave crashes into Marzipan's house.}
{Cut to the pool. Coach Z, Bubs, Homestar, and The Poopsmith are all soaked with grease. Homestar is flopping around like a fish. Surprisingly, not a chicken wing can be seen.}
COACH Z: Oh, man! I smell like chicken!
BUBS: This was a terrible idea from the start...
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Help! My gills are collapsing!
{The King crawls out of the pool, looking bloated.}
KING OF TOWN: S-seconds, please!
{Cut to the Locker Room. Coach Z walks back in, dripping with grease, still. He grabs a towel and wipes off.}
COACH Z: Woo! Now that was definitely the greasiest thing I've ever done. {typing} So there you go, John or whatever your name is! That's the greasiest thing what I've ever done! I can't say I enjoyed it too much, but... oh, who am I kidding? I enjoyed that a ton! I should do it again some time! In fact...
{Coach Z gets up. The Napkin descends.}
Easter Eggs
- Click on the word greasiest after the email finishes to see an extra scene.
- Click on the word thing after the email to see another scene.
- Click on the word again after the email to see a third scene.
Easter Egg 1 Transcript
{Cut to Strong Sad's Room. He gets out of bed and looks around.}
STRONG SAD: What the— {angry} Where's my facial treatment? I need that acne for the concert tonight!
Easter Egg 2 Transcript
{Cut to a building marked "DISCOUNT ANTS" with an inflated cowboy ant doin' a festive jig in front of it.}
QUIET ANNOUNCER: Come to Discount Ants by Coach and Bubs. For all your ant needs. Ant plants and ant rocks also available.
Easter Egg 3
{Cut to Marzipan, cleaning her garden (???). Homestar walks over with some straws taped to his body. Skirt.}
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Hey, Marzipan! You seen any aphids 'round? I wanna make me some honey-dudes!
MARZIPAN: I'm calling the hospital.
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Marzipan I am completely serious.
Fun Facts
- "Bruce-valanche" is a reference to Bruce Vilanch, somebody you dumb babies don't know.
