Coach Z Emails/king of town

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Overview

#14: king of town

Coach Z gets in the voting mood.

CAST: (in order of appearance) Coach Z, King of Town, The Hornblower, Strong Bad, The Cheat, Bubs, Homestar Runner, Marzipan, Strong Sad, Strong Mad, The Poopsmith, Pom Pom, Homsar

PLACES: The Locker Room, The Castle, The Gymnasium, Bubs' Concession Stand, The Athletic Field

PAGE TITLE: Crusty x86!

DATE: March 7, 2010

Transcript

COACH Z: {typing "run check'at_email.exe"} Coach Z's here, he's the rhyming man! Checkin' emails on the Crusty and he's got a meal plan!

subj: Loo Ess

Dear Mr. Zetto,
By any chance are you happy with the way your country is run? I mean if
Loo Ess (a bully where I come from)
took control of Free Country USA, It would look gross and
damp and I believe you might think it's quite orful.
Lemkeburg's Favorite Kiwiman,

Jonn O'Hamsters

{Coach Z stops reading about halfway through, after "I mean if", mumbling his way through it. He reads the salutation as "Jonah Hampshire's Favorite Kiwis".}

COACH Z: {typing} Well, Jonn-O, you couldn't be more, uh, have a good question! It's a good question, is what I'm saying. {clear screen} Jonn, my country... which is, uh, the U.S., I think... it's run just fine! But my town, however, isn't run by a real guv'ment official! It's run mainly by our favorite monarch: the King of Town!

{Cut to a balcony on the King's Castle. There are the sounds of commotion below as the Hornblower plays fanfare to the King's entrance.}

KING OF TOWN: Yes! Hello, all my followers and country-men!

{The King of Town can be heard boo-ing offscreen.}

KING OF TOWN: Anyhow, I am here to announce a new law of the land! From now on, every Friday shall be dedicated to the observation and celebration of chuck roast!

COACH Z: {v.o.} Then again, he's really not anybody's favorite. And, uh, I think that's for a good reason!

KING OF TOWN: Furthermore, whoever's throwin' rocks through my window better cut it out! I'm gettin' sick of 'em, and they only taste good with so many spices!

COACH Z: {v.o.} And his gimmick is gettin' kinda tiring, if you know what I mean!

KING OF TOWN: And finally, I am applying for more government grants to the advancement of The Poopsmith's duties!

STRONG BAD: {offscreen} Bllaaaaaaaugh!

{Cut back to the Crusty.}

COACH Z: {typing} So you understand that not everybody likes his rule over this place, you see? Me included—I've got half a mind to vote for Strong Bad next year! Or did I tell y'all that Strong Bad and his veep The Cheat are runnin' for office?

{Cut to the Gymnasium. Strong Bad and The Cheat are at a podium with the words "STRONG CHEAT '11" on it. Cameras snap and flash.}

THE ANNOUNCER: {offscreen} Yes, Senator Strong Bad, what are your plans for Free Country if you take office?

STRONG BAD: {speaking into the microphone} Yes, tonight... Sir, I think you mean "when I take office", but I can let that go! For now.

{The Cheat squeaks a bit, angrily.}

STRONG BAD: The Cheat! Cool it! We gotta get good PR! {into mic} Haha, that was, um, nothing. Anyhow, if I take office, there's gonna be some changes, let me tell you! First off, a name change! Free Country is a terrible name! Why settle for mediocrity when you can totally go for a sweet name like "Strong Badia" or "Braintree"? The pasta-bilities are endless, people!

THE ANNOUNCER: {offscreen} Yes, and what would you do about the economic situation?

STRONG BAD: Well, lemme tell you about trickle-down economics!

{Cut back to the Crusty.}

COACH Z: {typing} So as you can see, the tension is immense 'round these parts! After all, the election is just t'morrow! ... Speakin' of, I gotta go reflect on my decision!

{Coach Z gets up and walks away.}

{Cut to the lake. Coach Z is sitting on a rock, one knee up, an arm on said knee, looking into the distance. The camera slowly zooms in on him. One can hear the wind, blowing through the trees. Coach Z looks down, into his reflection in contemplation.}

COACH Z: What are you hiding...?

{Cut to Bubs' Concession Stand. Coach Z and Bubs are chattin' it up like good pals.}

BUBS: ... and so I say, "pseudonym? I barely even knew him!"

COACH Z: {chuckles} Oh, classic Bubs!

BUBS: Yeah, that got me a restraining order, but it was worth it!

COACH Z: Anyhow, Bubs, you know there's an election t'morrow, right?

BUBS: Oh, yeah, I'm all over that! So who're you votin' for?

COACH Z: {uneasily} Uhhh, I'm votin' for... uhhh...

BUBS: Well, I'll tell ya, Strong Bad's gettin' my vote! The King-o's gotta go, y'know?

COACH Z: {nervously} That, uh... that's a cool song name for a rap song!

BUBS: What's your beef, Kobe?

COACH Z: Absolutely nothing! I'm just— I have to go. I'm having... a... baby.

{Coach Z runs off.}

BUBS: My congratulations to the proud father!

{Cut to the Athletic Field. Coach Z is at the sidelines, watching a game (though only Homestar's silhouette can be seen).}

COACH Z: Great bustle, Hometray!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {offscreen} Thanks! I know!

{A whistle is blown and the game stops. Homestar walks up to Coach Z, dripping with sweat.}

COACH Z: Good job out there, Homestar!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: But we lost!

COACH Z: A participation trophy is as good as anything! Like I say: "take the underhand pitch, it's still a point!"

HOMESTAR RUNNER: That's some sound life advice, Coach! Anyhow, now that the game's over, let's talk about who we're electing tomorrow!

COACH Z: {gulps} I d—didn't know you were into politics!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh, I totally am! My future is on the line, here! And what would my kids do if they grew up in a town run by Strong Bad?

COACH Z: Well... what would they do?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh, I don't know. I just vote for whoever looks better. Right now, Strong Bad's winnin' in my book! I want that bod!

COACH Z: You've got a point there, Homestar!

{Cut to the lake again. Coach Z is staring at his reflection.}

COACH Z: What are you hiding?!

{Cut to the King of Town's Castle. There is a small voting booth outside of the castle gates. All the main residents of FCUSA are there. Coach Z is near the front of the line to vote. In front of him is Homestar Runner.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Well? Here we go! This is the moment of truth, here!

{Homsar wobbles out of the voting booth.}

COACH Z: I know, I know... Yeesh, the pressure is totally on me right now!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Well, it looks like I gotta vote now!

{Homestar walks into the poll booth.}

COACH Z: Oh geez, oh crap, oh geez, oh crap—!

{Homestar walks out of the booth.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Alright, Coach! Your turn!

{Coach Z swallows his pride and walks into the poll booth. Fade to black.}

{Fade in to Bubs' Concession Stand. The folk are standing in front of it, waiting for the poll results. Suddenly, Bubs emerges from behind the counter.}

BUBS: Ahem... ladies. Gentlemen. I have the results.

{Pause.}

BUBS: The new president of the United States of America is... President Barack Hussein Obama!

{The masses start cheering.}

COACH Z: What a historic day in American history! To think we've come so far in so long!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Today is the dawn of a new day in America! God Bless!

{Fade to black.} 

On January 20th, 2009, Senator Barack Obama was sworn into office, making him the first African-American president in the history of the United States of America.

Fun Facts

  • Braintree is (or was) a real town in Massachusetts. It has since been renamed "Chelmsford".




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