Coach Z Emails/genres

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Overview

#4: genres

Coach Z experiments with new musical genres.

CAST: (in order of appearance) Coach Z, Strong Sad, Strong Bad, Pom Pom, The King of Town

PLACES: The Locker Room, Strong Sad's Room, Strong Bad's Room, Club Technochocolate, The King of Town's Castle

PAGE TITLE: Crusty x86!

DATE: Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Transcript

COACH Z: {rapping} Coach Z's in town, he's hittin' the cloughb! Gonna check email, gonna get me some groughb!

subject: genre

Hey, Coach!
I know you're the rapping man, but do you like any genres of music other than rap?
Musically,
Wheelie

COACH Z: {typing} Well, Wheelie, first you need ta understand just what kinda question you're asking. First off, you're insinuating that rap might not be the best kind of music there is, and that right there's a load! {clears screen} Second off, you say you know I'm the rapping man, but when you question me like this, I have my doubts about yer so-called lack of doubt! Wheelie, please! However, I think that every question deserves to be answered, so I might as well list the other kinds of music I like! {clears screen, speaking} Okay, so we've got rap...

{Coach Z types down "- rap".}

COACH Z: Okay, uh, what else? ... I'm down with the hip-hops!

{Coach Z types down "- hip hops".}

COACH Z: There! That's looking... diverse!

{Strong Sad walks up to Coach Z.}

STRONG SAD: Oh, hey, Coach. What's going on?

COACH Z: I'm checkin' my email for all my fans!

STRONG SAD: Ugh, not this stupid thing. It was bad when Strong Bad did it, for goodness' sake!

COACH Z: Right now, I'm talkin' abrat the kinds of music I like! Take a look-see!

{Strong Sad inspects the list.}

STRONG SAD: Coach, rap and hip hop are like the same thing!

COACH Z: No they aren't! There are subtle differences in the b-

STRONG SAD: Coach, your tastes are kind of narrow. I mean, what about prog rock, or alt rock, or shoestare?

COACH Z: ... What's rock?

STRONG SAD: {sighs} I guess it's up to Strong Sad to help expand your horizons, Coach! Follow me, and I'll invite you into a world of ecstasy and introspection unmatched by even spoken word!

{Strong Sad walks off, and Coach Z follows behind.}

COACH Z: Okay, but just so we're clear, this ain't a cult, is it?

{Cut to Strong Sad's room. Both Strong Sad and Coach Z are sitting on Strong Sad's bed while sloshy is playing in the background. Coach Z looks pained.}

STRONG SAD: {happy} Yeah, man! R-rock on! I guess.

COACH Z: S-Strong Sad... I can't take much more o' this!

STRONG SAD: What's wrong? Are these beats too tortured and nonconformist for you?

COACH Z: I can't hear anything over the dang scream-machines!

STRONG SAD: Those are guitars! And they rule!

COACH Z: {frenzied} Strong Sad, I swear to all that is holy I will rip that thing out of the wall!

{Suddenly, an axe flies from offscreen and cleaves Strong Sad's tape deck in two.}

STRONG SAD: Awwww...

{Strong Bad walks in.}

STRONG BAD: Hey, Coach. Sorry about the torture that the Phat Phantom's puttin' you through.

COACH Z: Strong Bad, you're a lifesaver! {approaches Strong Bad} Come here and embrace me like we was lovers!

STRONG BAD: Waaaaugh! N-no! NO!

{Cut to Strong Bad's bedroom. He and Coach Z are there, sitting on Strong Bad's bed.}

STRONG BAD: Now, I know that Strong Sad probably put you off to the whole notion of music, but I've got just the thing to tickle your inner ears with its soft, serpentine tongue!

COACH Z: Strong Bad, I don't know about this... I mean, I can't go to prison again-

STRONG BAD: {quickly} Not what I meant. {slowly} Now, then... listen in wonder, to the magic of...

{Strong Bad turns on his record player and some Van Halen starts playing.}

STRONG BAD: Ungh! Now this is rock! Just think of the billowy blond hair, the pink and white makeup caked onto their sweaty faces, their too-too-tight leather pants...!

COACH Z: Hm! Now that the pants are involved, I think I might get to like this!

STRONG BAD: Yeah! Listen to that deafeningly loud synthesizer!

{Cut to an hour later. Strong Bad is rocking out, while Coach Z seems uninterested.}

COACH Z: Oof. Can I leave yet?

STRONG BAD: No way! We're just about to hit the bonus track!

COACH Z: No offense, Strong Bad, but all this music sounds like the same whoozit!

STRONG BAD: What, are you kidding me? Unless you mean it all sounds awesome!

COACH Z: No, I mean... Look, I'm like half-asleep over here!

STRONG BAD: {angry} Fine! Maybe you're not ready for these rockin' tunes! Maybe you're not capable of driving 55!

COACH Z: You kiddin' me? I can't even drive! Court-ordered, even!

{Cut to Club Technochocolate. Pom Pom is DJing while Homestar shuffles back and forth very slightly. Coach Z walks up to Pom Pom.}

COACH Z: Hey, Parm-Parm! I heard that you're into all that new indie-pendent jargle-music!

{Pom Pom bubbles in the affirmative.}

COACH Z: Well, gimme yer best sample! I need to know what I'm missing out on, man!

{Pom Pom begins to play the song "Fireflies" by Owl City. Coach Z screams and falls down, clutching his head.}

COACH Z: My head! It's exploding from the inside! Make it stop!

{Cut to Marzipan's backyard. Coach Z is standing next to Marzipan, who is holding Carol.}

COACH Z: Alright, Marzy! My attorney's letting me ask you this for a little bit, so bear with me here!

MARZIPAN: Alright, then!

COACH Z: Let me hear some {uneasily} fffolk music! I've heard that stuff's all ethno-cultural!

MARZIPAN: It's always nice to know that somebody wants to hear some good old-fashioned organic music!

{Marzipan starts playing some very slow guitar music.}

MARZIPAN: {singing} Well I saw a bird, I said, "hey there, bird"! And I asked him for his word, and you know what he said? He said...

{Coach Z starts to dry heave. Marzipan continues singing as Coach Z slinks off, hoping to go unnoticed.}

{Cut to the King of Town's Castle. Coach Z is talking with the King of Town.}

COACH Z: Hey, uh, Kingy! Since Bubs and I were in a domestic dispute, you're like the only person I have left to ask about music about!

KING OF TOWN: Oh! I've been considered! This is the greatest day of my life! {quietly} Doo-hoo! Doo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

COACH Z: So what musics you listen to? I'm tryin' to expand my horizons!

KING OF TOWN: Does the sound of a lunch bell count as music?

COACH Z: What?

KING OF TOWN: Well, it's music to my ears!

STRONG BAD: {offscreen, quietly} Boooo.

COACH Z: Wow. I'm pathetic and I think this is depressing!

{Coach Z walks out. The King of Town starts crying and shoveling potato chips into his fat mouth.}

{Cut to the Locker Room.}

COACH Z: {typing} So it looks like my attempts to expandamate my tastes in the music-makes turned out pretty badly, it seems... Well, that's alright! We all know that as the rapping man, I am one-hundred percent behind said musical genre! Said musical genre is rap, by the way. {speaking} Alright, folks, that's it for Coach Z-Mails for today! Tune in next time when I might-as-well-ah rap some more! Napkin... drop yerself!

{The Napkin descends from the top of the screen.}

COACH Z: I paid 40 bucks for that and I swear I will get so much use out of it!

Fun Facts

  • Owl City sucks.
  • Owl City really sucks.



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