Coach Z Emails/sweetheart

From Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki

Jump to: navigation, search

Contents

Overview

#5: sweetheart

Coach Z attempts to win over Marzipan.

CAST: (in order of appearance) Coach Z, Homestar Runner, Marzipan, Bubs, Strong Bad, Homsar (easter egg)

PLACES: The Locker Room, Marzipan's Backyard, Strong Bad's Computer Room, Marshmallow's Last Stand, Marzipan's House, The Field

PAGE TITLE: Crusty x86!

DATE: February 11, 2010

Transcript

COACH Z: {rapping} When I check my emails ladies get up an' dance, now watch me check an email all about romance!

subject: sweetheart?

Hey Coach,
I was just wondering, have you ever had a sweetheart in your life?
-Pastor Rick

{Before reading, Coach Z says "oh, hey! Called it!".}

COACH Z: {typing} Well, Pastor, as many of you all know, there is only one woman for me... Marzipan! Basically because, well, there's one woman. And she's that woman. {clears screen} But no, seriously, she's the one I wish I could spend my golden years with!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {offscreen} Yeah, no, I know! She's pretty fly.

{Zoom out to show Homestar standing by Coach Z, one leg up on the locker room bench.}

COACH Z: Woah! Uh, h-hey, Homestar!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: What's up, Coach?

COACH Z: Just checkin' me up an email! Just that.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Yeah, I get it. I get it.

COACH Z: So, uh, where're you sup-prat-sed to be, Homestar?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Well, it is Valemtime's Day... {quickly, dejectedly} but Marzipan and I broke up again.

COACH Z: Woah! That's like eight times in a week!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: I know! I'm trying to set a record!

COACH Z: Yeah, pretty- wait. If you're not going out with Marzy, that means that she's available!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: I think so? I don't know how it works any more. I think we're in an "open relationship".

{Coach Z jumps up out of his seat.}

COACH Z: Homestar, this is a dang miracle! Quick, point me in the direction of where Marzipan is!

{Homestar does not move.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: About that way.

COACH Z: You're a lifesaver, Homestar! A big, kindly, minty lifesaver!

{Coach Z runs off.}

{Cut to Marzipan's Back Yard. Marzipan is playing guitar when Coach Z pops his head over the fence.}

COACH Z: Hey, Marzy!

MARZIPAN: Oh, hey Coach Z! I thought today was your day to contemplate suicide again!

COACH Z: Not n'more, it ain't! I've got a new leash on life, I do!

MARZIPAN: Great! So I won't have to stop you from drowning your sorrows in Listerine!

COACH Z: Also water! I do that too! B-but, not this year. No, it's different this year!

MARZIPAN: Why's that?

COACH Z: Marzipan, will you be my Valentine?

MARZIPAN: Naah.

COACH Z: Great! I can't wait to d- wait, whort?!

MARZIPAN: I've already got a Valentine, Coach!

COACH Z: I though Homestar broke up with you! What's this bullcrap?

MARZIPAN: Oh, it's not Homestar. It's Bubs!

{Bubs walks onto the screen.}

BUBS: Hey, Coach! {angry} You makin' eyes at my lady?

MARZIPAN: I'm just your Valentine, Bubs.

BUBS: Whatever!

{Bubs takes out a shotgun and points it at Coach Z.}

BUBS: Now get outta here before I pepper you like a steak!

{Coach Z ducks behind the fence. Cut to a view of the other side of the fence, where Coach Z is sitting against it.}

COACH Z: Awwww, dangit! This is my one dang chance to go out with Marzipan! How'm I gonna win her over when she's got {mockingly} Mr. Hotshot Football Star? {normally} Methinks I've gotta go see the number one guy in town for romance!

{Cut to Strong Bad's Computer Room. Strong Bad is checking an email.}

STRONG BAD: ... and that's my favorite building I've ever scaled with a grappling hook and plunger boots! Great question, Connor!

{Coach Z walks in.}

COACH Z: Hey, Strongb'd!

STRONG BAD: Pffgh! Well, if it isn't Pajama Sam! How, pray tell, are you going to ruin my email show this time?

COACH Z: Naw, Strong Bad, you've gotta help me with mine!

STRONG BAD: {dumbfounded} You've got an email show?!

COACH Z: Strong Bad, you're good with the lady-makes, right?

STRONG BAD: Well, not to toot my own horn, but I'm probably the expert in my field of... good with the lady-makes!

COACH Z: Great! Now, then, tell me how you get a-the ladies!

STRONG BAD: Alright, first off? Getcha self a guitar.

COACH Z: A guitar?

STRONG BAD: Yeah, yeah! You've gotta serenade them, and nothing says "I don't have a real job but you can deal, right" like a guitar! Oh, and none of those baby guitars like Marzipan has. Those suck.

COACH Z: I can't believe I never thoughta that!

STRONG BAD: Oh! And if that doesn't work, {quickly} and I don't see why it wouldn't, {normal} try buying her things! Like, uh... flowers?

COACH Z: I've heard of those!

STRONG BAD: Also, uh... save the animals? Do something she likes so she thinks you're {uneasily} sssensitive!

COACH Z: I like baby birds and stuff!

STRONG BAD: Yeah, yeah! Do that stuff. It's guaranteed to work, or all your money back! Errr, speaking of, this'll be 20 bucks.

COACH Z: I see no problems with that!

{Cut to Marzipan's Back Yard. Marzipan is sitting in her gazebo. Suddenly, a horrible-sounding cacophony comes from offscreen.}

MARZIPAN: Augh! What is that racket?

{Pan over to show Coach Z behind the fence, serenading Marzipan. Coach Z plays a C chord over and over.}

COACH Z: {singing off-key} Marzi, oooooh Marzi! You're the only one for me! You've gotta know before I go, that I-

MARZIPAN: {yelling} Stop!

{Coach Z does so, albeit hesitantly.}

COACH Z: What's wrong? My funky folky beats not doin' it for you?

MARZIPAN: Well it kinda sounds like you're taking a rake to it. That's all.

COACH Z: Awwwwwwwwr! I spent 90 dang bucks on guitar lessons!

MARZIPAN: From who?

COACH Z: {quickly} Ain't important. {slower} Anyhow, I've got plan B, so listen tight-like, Marzi!

MARZIPAN: I'm, uh... kinda late for a date?

{A beat begins to play.}

COACH Z: M-A-R! Z-I-P! A-N- girl, you're the one fer me! When we go out on Valentine's day, LET ME TELL Y-

{Marzipan, at this point has left.}

COACH Z: Got dangit!

{Cut to Marshmallow's Last Stand. Marzipan and Bubs are at a table, sharing a bunch of fries or something. What do they sell there?}

BUBS: Man, Marzipan! These five minutes so far have been the least depressing minutes of my whole life!

MARZIPAN: {awkwardly} Yeah, it's pretty great.

BUBS: Now what's wrong, Marzi? You not feelin' the Vamlumtimes-vibe?

MARZIPAN: I just... I kinda miss Homestar.

BUBS: Kid, you were too good for him.

MARZIPAN: I dunno, he just looked good with me.

{Coach Z walks over, dressed as a waiter.}

COACH Z: {trying his very hardest not to sound like himself} H-hey! Welc-come to the restaurant. Welcome to our restaurant. What would you like for an appe-pa-tizer?

MARZIPAN: We already ordered.

COACH Z: GREAT can I get you some DRINKS?

BUBS: Naw, we're good.

MARZIPAN: Also, you're just Coach Z in a waiter's uniform.

COACH Z: {incredulously} Holy dang! How'd ya know?

BUBS: First off, there aren't any waiters here!

MARZIPAN: Coach, I think you should leave before Bubs brings out "Old Toothlesser".

COACH Z: What's that?

BUBS: {angrily} You wanna find out?

COACH Z: N-not especially!

{Cut to Marzipan's House. Marzipan is cutting construction paper and other such things, apparently making arts and crafts, when suddenly the doorbell rings.}

COACH Z: {offscreen} Rang, rang!

MARZIPAN: Oh, for goodness' sake...!

{Marzipan opens her front door to see Coach Z wearing a light purple cummerbund and holding a bouquet of flowers.}

COACH Z: Marzipan, come on! I've got you flowers this time, what more do you want?

MARZIPAN: I want you to put them back, first of all.

{Cut to a view of Marzipan's garden. Pretty much everything has been uprooted. Cut back.}

MARZIPAN: I think I see a carrot in there! Coach, you're getting sloppy.

COACH Z: For the luvva all that's holy! What can I do to get you to go out with me?

MARZIPAN: ... I know!

COACH Z: Y-you do?

MARZIPAN: Get Homestar Runner to go out with me and I'll let you go out with me!

COACH Z: {ecstatically} That sounds like a ding-dang plan!

{Coach Z runs off.}

{Cut to the Locker Room. Homestar is standing by the lockers after what looked like a big game. Coach Z walks in and pats him on the butt.}

COACH Z: Great jab out there, Homestar!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Yeah, {pants} that sure was the winning punch.

COACH Z: Hey, uh, Homestar? Can I talks to you in private?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: I am... the only one in here. So, I guess this is private! Go ahead, Coachzy!

COACH Z: Listen, I've been talkin' to Marzipan, and-

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Ooh! Has she been talkin' bou' me?

COACH Z: Uh, um- Oh, yeah! Lots o' tons! About you.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Awww... does she miss me?

COACH Z: More than I miss the sweet sweet embrace of malt liquor. I mean-

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Wow! If she misses me that much, then I've gotta be her boyfriend again!

COACH Z: Yeah, sure- but hey! {slyly} Before you do that, Marzipan asked me to ask you to do something for her...

{Cut to The Field. Bubs and Marzipan are walking through it, with Marzipan looking clearly disinterested.}

BUBS: ... so I tell him, "Pastor? I barely even knew her!"

MARZIPAN: {groans} Great joke, Bubs. I gotta say, it gets funnier every time.

BUBS: I know! I'm pretty sure that by the fortieth time, you'll be r-

{Suddenly, Homestar (dressed as Rubin Farr from the '09 Halloween toon) comes onscreen quickly and kicks Bubs in the face.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: That's my girl!

MARZIPAN: {happily} Homestar! You're back!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: And better than ever! ... Oh, uh, Marzipan? When we get home, can you help me get this George McFly costume off? {scared} I think I'm stuck in it!

{Coach Z walks onscreen.}

COACH Z: There you go, Marzi! I got'cha back with the Homestarred Runner!

MARZIPAN: Thanks, Coach Z!

COACH Z: Now, then... about our deal?

MARZIPAN: What deal?

COACH Z: {annoyed} Come on! You and I are supposed to go out together now!

MARZIPAN: Uh, no. I have a boyfriend.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {angry} You have a boyfriend?! Why, if I find the low-life, rotten, son of a-

MARZIPAN: {interrupting} Homestar, let's go to a nice restaurant! For a date!

{Homestar and Marzipan walk off. Coach Z, dumbstruck, walks off as well, though slower.}

{Cut to the Locker Room. Coach Z is blubbering on the ground, in a pool of his own tears. He is holding a whiskey bottle marked "Jack's One". Cut to a view of the Crusty, with the email still on it.}

{The Napkin descends.}

Easter Eggs

  • Click on the word wondering in the email after the end of the cartoon to see a small scene.

Easter Egg Transcript

{Cut to a shot not unlike the one from sbemail "dangeresque 3", where Strong Bad is scaling a "skyscraper" using a grappling hook and plunger boots.}

STRONG BAD: Oh, m-man! I'm almost to the top of the Empire State Building! I've just gotta pass by this window where a sultry lady is beckoning for me!

{Homsar appears and opens a "window", peeking out of it like it were an actual building.}

HOMSAR: I'm a stroooooong male role model!

Fun Facts

  • Crispin Glover, who Homestar is dressed up as, also played George McFly from Back to the Future.
  • Coach Z's bottle of "Jack's One" is a reference to whiskeys like Jack Daniels or Jim Beam (those being named after the original brewer).



Retrieved from "http://fanstuff.hrwiki.org/wiki/Coach_Z_Emails/sweetheart"