Coach Z Emails/cleaning up

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Overview

#12: cleaning up

Coach Z exercizes quality control.

CAST: (in order of appearance) Coach Z, Marzipan

PLACES: The Locker Room, The Ring, Purple Screen of Music

PAGE TITLE: Crusty x86!

DATE: February 28, 2010

Transcript

COACH Z: {typing "run check'at_email.exe"} Stop what yer doin', cuz I'm about to ruin, the image and the style that yer used to! {speaking} Alright, so this time around, I'm gonna clean out my in-backs, like Strong Bad once did! Because, you know, if there's one thing I'm good at, it's riding Strong Bad's coattails! Anyhow, let's do this!

{Coach Z presses enter and an email pops up.}

subject: gigantic brain

Dear Coach Z,
I am a gigantic brain. What do you think of that?

Sincerely,
A Gigantic Brain

COACH Z: Alright, what's this bullcrap? Who let Homsar get my email? {typing} Well, Giant Brian, let me tell you; I knew a Brian! I remember him, he was from Penn Island! And you know what, he gave me some sage advice! And what he said was, "if you see a crappy email, you delete that sucker!" And you know what? I agree whole-heartedly! Delete'at mess, Crusty!




DELETE IT.


COACH Z: Eh? That's it? ... Kinda lackluster. Not that I'm complainin', though! Anyhow, next dang email!

subject: Boxing

'Sup Coach, my man, my ace in the hole!
You're a man of many sports. Have you ever taken up boxing?
Ya'll brudda,
-Simon Ignut

COACH Z: Oh, uh... a good one! I'm kinda surprised, honestly! {typing} Well, Simon, I tried boxing once, but it turns out that actually... having arms didn't stop me from receiving a monumental beatdown from the resident champion...!

{Cut to a flashback. Coach Z is getting beat up in a boxing ring by Marzipan. After a couple seconds, cut back to the Crusty.}

COACH Z: {typing} Come to think of it, I may have been in the women's league. Whatever, doesn't stop me! {types "send'at email"} Next g'dang email!

subject: phat beats

Yo Coach!
Lay me down some paht tracks with quest stars on them.
- Chwoka

COACH Z: {typing} Look, Choco-man, I don't think you know who I am, exactly, but if you did, you'd know that I've laid some {pronounced "pat"} paht tracks all the time! Look at this discography!

{Cut to the Purple Screen of Music. A paht beat is playing in the background.}

COACH Z: {v.o.} Let me tell you kids, I've been rapping since before y'all were born! Take a look at this!

{A CD jewel case falls onto the screen. On it is a picture of Coach Z, sitting down, an arm on his knee. He looks very serious. Above that is the album's title: "BROKE DOWN VaN".}

COACH Z: {v.o.} Here's my first album! Featuring such hits as "These People Try To Fade Me", "Can't Go Back (To Blubb-O's)", and the hit single featuring Slow Tony, "Bus Stop Step Off!" I tell you, good times.

{Another jewel case falls down, this time showing a black-and-white picture of Coach Z with barbed wire wrapped around his torso, while his arms are outstretched in an almost Christ-like manner. Below that is the title: "from h8".}

COACH Z: Oh, and here's my break-out album, back from '91! Man, this thing sold like hotcakes, especially with my hit, hit single, "Def' Peepz"!

COACH Z: {rapping} Def' peepz in the hood,
Makin' signs with their hands!
Def' peepz talkin' smack
And I don't understandz!

COACH Z: {v.o.} Well, uh... I kinda fell under some contra-versy, there... it turns out that the deaf people can't hear, but they can talk! And, uh, protest. Yeah.

{Cut back to the Crusty.}

COACH Z: Anyhow, next email!

subject: Bubs is having an aneurysm

Dear Coach Z,
Bubs is having an aneurysm.
Also, Bubs is having an aneurysm.
Coincidentally, Bubs is having an aneurysm.

-FCUSA Hospital

P.S. Bubs is having an aneurysm.

COACH Z: {typing} Well, good on him! ... Wait, isn't he the hospital? Oh, whatever. Delete'at mess, Crusty!




DELETE IT.


COACH Z: Oof. I don't think I'll ever get used to that. Anyhow, that's all we got for today! Tomorrow, I'll be learning to ride a horse... and I might just get more than I hoped for!

{The Napkin descends.}

COACH Z: Oh, but I'll never get tired of you, my sweet...!



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