Coach Z Emails/computer

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Contents

Overview

#1: computer

Coach Z buys a computer.

CAST: (in order of appearance) Strong Bad, The Cheat, Coach Z, Homestar Runner, Bubs

PLACES: Computer Room, Locker Room, Concession Stand

PAGE TITLE: Crusty x86?!

DATE: Monday, February 8, 2010

Transcript

{Open to Strong Bad's computer room. He is finishing checking an email on the Compe.}

STRONG BAD: {typing} ... and that's the best knee I've ever given to Strong Sad's gut! Thanks, Brooks! {speaking} Alright, folks! I'm {drawn out} ooooOOOOOOOUUT! {coughs}

{The Compaper pops up.}

STRONG BAD: Phew! I don't know how I bang these out every dang week. {yelling} The Cheat!

THE CHEAT: {from another room} Meh?

STRONG BAD: Grab me a hot towel! All these emails I'm checking are making me a little woozy...

COACH Z: Hey, Strongb'd!

{Strong Bad turns to see Coach Z and yelps a little bit.}

STRONG BAD: Coach, wh- what are you doing in here?

COACH Z: I heard something about towels, and I was compelled to stop by!

STRONG BAD: {grossed out} Get out of my house.

COACH Z: What?

STRONG BAD: Get out!

COACH Z: But Strong Bad, who are you going to share that towel with-

STRONG BAD: AAAH! I don't want to hear anything in my life ever again!

{Cut to the Locker Room. Coach Z is sitting down on the bench, dejectedly.}

COACH Z: Awww, dag-nuts-bit! I never get to help Strong Bad check his letter mails. Sometimes I think I'm not appreciated around here...!

{Homestar walks up to Coach Z. He has a towel around his neck.}

COACH Z: Homestar, do you think I'm hip? Do you think I'm down with the times?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh, I dunno, towel rack. You've always seemed up to date with all the... cool. You're all the cool.

{Homestar tosses his towel on Coach Z's head.}

COACH Z: Hooray! Somebody does care!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {surprised} Wait, what?! Oh, you're Coach Z!

{Homestar takes his towel back.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh, man! I always get you and towel rack confused. I think it's the eyes.

{Homestar walks off.}

COACH Z: {moans} I'm useless!

{Coach Z picks up a phone. He makes a "ring"ing noise with his mouth.}

COACH Z: Oh! Looks like I've got a call! {"answers" the phone} Hello? ... Oh! What's that? Sale down at Bubs'? Well I'm there! {puts down the phone} Man, what I wouldn't be without my man on the inside!

STRONG BAD: {offscreen, quietly} Inside of your head, more like.

{Cut to Bubs' Concession Stand. Bubs is at the stand, and in front of the stand is a large tarp with a ton of junk on it, each labeled with a price. Coach Z walks up to the stand.}

BUBS: Oh! Hey, Coach! What brings you here?

COACH Z: Well I might have heard that there was a sale of some sort going on...?

BUBS: Naw, son! Right now it's Tarp Day! All items on the tarp are only twice their normal price!

COACH Z: Well that sounds like a deal and a half, my Bubs!

BUBS: Yep! {angry} Now buy something and leave!

COACH Z: Oh boy!

{Coach Z roots around through the junk and finds, lo and behold, a really old and nasty looking computer.}

COACH Z: Woah! Now what's this electro-whatsit?

BUBS: Oh, that? I used to, um... finances with that! I'm pretty sure.

COACH Z: A finance-maker? Is this what Strong Bad has?

BUBS: Erm... kinda?

COACH Z: {ecstatic} I'll take it! I'll take all of it!

BUBS: That'll be... how much you've got in your wallet?

COACH Z: Lemme check...

{A sweaty 10 dollar bill slides out from Coach Z's side.}

COACH Z: I've got this!

BUBS: Add a zero on the end and it's yours!

{Cut to the Locker Room. Coach Z walks in holding his new computer. He plops it unceremoniously onto the bench.}

COACH Z: Alright! I'm finally getting up in life! ... How do you turn this g'dang thing on?

{Coach Z hits the keyboard. Suddenly, the computer turns on, showing the "Crusty x86" logo, accompanied with a horrible coughing sound.}

COACH Z: {ecstatic} It's a miracle of modern technology!

{The computer goes to a blank screen.}

COACH Z: Uhhh... now what?

{Coach Z types in "e mail.". He hits enter and an email comes up.}

COACH Z: Holy crap! All this technology is making my stomach do loop-dee-loops all over my pants!

STRONG BAD: {offscreen, quietly} Euuururhgh!

subject: BUTT ENLARGEMENT PILL

EMAIL 20000 DOLLORS TO NIGERIA AND GET FREE BUTT ENLARGEMENT PILLS
- BUTT ENLARGEMENT PILL COMPANY

COACH Z: This is the greatest purchase I've ever made! It knows everything I want and need! I gotta show this baby off!

{Coach Z gets up and runs off.}

{Cut to Strong Bad's Computer Room.}

STRONG BAD: {typing} ... and that's my favorite horse I've ever Charlied! Great question, Dylan! {speaking} Well, that's all the time I've got! I'll-

COACH Z: {offscreen, sing-songy} Oh Stroooong Baaaad!

STRONG BAD: {doesn't turn} Aaaaaauuuuuughh! What are you doing in my house?!

{Coach Z walks up to Strong Bad.}

COACH Z: Hey, Strong Bad, guess who's a-ridin' yer coattails?

STRONG BAD: {annoyed} I can't g-

COACH Z: {cutting Strong Bad off} Me! I even got my first electro-mail today!

STRONG BAD: Great. Whatever. Get out of my house!

COACH Z: Hold on, hold on, I've gotta rub it in your face!

STRONG BAD: {screams} I don't even want to kn- The Cheat! Fire the ballistae!

{The Cheat makes Cheat-noises offscreen in the affirmative. The sound of snapping strings is heard as several rocks are shot from the left side of the screen.}

COACH Z: Oh, geez!

{Coach Z runs for his life.}

STRONG BAD: Oh, man. Those were so worth the furniture I had to sell for the money to buy those things. Dang historians and their scalping ways!

{Cut to the Crusty x86. Coach Z is not there and the email from before is still displayed. After a couple of seconds, a napkin reading "click here to email coach z" descends from the top of the screen.}

Easter Eggs

  • After the email ends, click the first "butt" in the email on the screen to bring up the boot-up screen for the Crusty x86 again.

Fun Facts

  • Ballistae were ancient, crossbow-ish weapons used by the Romans during sieges.



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