Coach Z Emails/butt

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Overview

#6: butt

Coach Z discovers a butt growth.

CAST: (in order of appearance) Coach Z, Strong Sad, Homestar Runner, Bubs, Strong Bad, The Cheat, Marzipan

PLACES: The Locker Room, Bubs' Concession Stand, Strong Badia, Marzipan's Backyard

PAGE TITLE: Crusty x86!

DATE: February 13, 2010

Transcript

COACH Z: {rapping} Coach! Z's! Makin' the rhymes! All o' these raps're gonna make the headlines!

subj: ew

Dear Coach Z,

What is that hideous growth on your butt? It's gross!
Bye,
Zoroark

{Coach Z pronounces "Zoroark" as "Zebediah".}

COACH Z: {typing} You gotta be kidding, Zeb! I ain't got a growth on my hinders! I take cares of that thing like it was my kid! Trust me, Zebby, I'd know if there was a growth on my butt! It'd be blindingly obvious! {talking} Well, folks, until next time, I- ow!

{Coach Z gets up and grabs his butt.}

COACH Z: Oof! There's somethin'... somethin' on it. Must've sat on somethin', thats' all!

{Coach Z sits back down.}

COACH Z: Anyhow, that's all for this week's show! Tune in next time when- OOF!

{Coach Z hops out of his seat, grabbing his butt again.}

COACH Z: Augh! Somethin's- somethin's down there! Oof, the pain! The aaanguish!

{Coach Z hops around a lot more, yelping and grunting. Strong Sad walks in.}

STRONG SAD: Grabbing your butt? That's not very lady-like! {laughs}

COACH Z: Oof! Cut it with the jokes, Elephant Man! I'm- ah!- in serious pain, here!

STRONG SAD: Well, uh, what's wrong?

COACH Z: My boat-take's all stabbity-pained up the wazoo!

STRONG SAD: That sounds... serious? I don't even know what you mean any more.

COACH Z: {yelling} Just get me a dang doctor!

{Cut to Bubs' Concession Stand. Coach Z is lying down on a stretched, on his stomach, which is in front of the stand. Homestar is sitting on a chair beside him.}

COACH Z: Oooof.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Man. What you in for, Coach?

COACH Z: M-my butt! It's killin' me!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh. I'm having a baby! ... Or gas. I get those things mixed up.

{Homestar jumps a bit from his seat.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Ooh! It's kicking!

{Bubs walks out, wearing a doctor's mirror on his head, as well as a stethoscope around his neck.}

BUBS: Next!

COACH Z: That's me! Me!

BUBS: Certainly! Now, I'm gonna need the co-pay up front...!

{Coach Z coughs up a 50 dollar bill.}

BUBS: Your spit-money is as good as anybody's!

{Bubs wheels Coach Z offscreen. After about a second, Homestar burps.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Hooray! It's a boy!

{Cut to the inside of Bubs' Concession Stand. Coach Z is lying down on the cot, still. A cardboard model of a heart monitor is flatlining, with the words "NOT GOOD!!" on it. Bubs walks in.}

COACH Z: So? What's the news?

BUBS: {excited} Terrible! Oh, I mean, {somber} I'm afraid I've got some bad news.

COACH Z: {moans} What's the diag-ma-nosis?

BUBS: It looks like you have a serious case of Rumplump, Coach!

COACH Z: {panicking} AAH! I'm gonna die! I know it!

BUBS: Relax! You might not die!

COACH Z: R-really?

BUBS: No promises.

{Bubs takes out an inflatable donut.}

BUBS: Also, you'll be sitting on this from now on. Get used to it!

{Coach Z begins to cry.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {offscreen} Boctor Dubs! When I gonna get my turn?

BUBS: Sorry, Homestar! I'm a psychologist now!

{Bubs puts a cigar in his mouth.}

{Cut to the Locker Room. Coach Z is wallowing in self-pity while drinking a bottle of "Sad Ones". Strong Sad walks in.}

STRONG SAD: Coach, what are you doing?

COACH Z: {slurring, blubbering} I'm uh—I am Crotch Z and I'm gonna die.

STRONG SAD: Coach, I thought you got back on the wagon!

COACH Z: Nnnah.

STRONG SAD: Anyhow, what do you mean you're "going to die"?

COACH Z: Got... got diagmosted with the Rumplumps, Strong Dad. Hhhain't got much time!

STRONG SAD: Coach, I'm not sure that's a real disease.

COACH Z: No. No it is it is a real sick.

STRONG SAD: A real sick?! Coach, there's something wrong with you—and I don't think it's "the Rumplumps".

COACH Z: Strombag, what do I do? I'm—I'm gonna die any minute now, and I've left so many butts unpatted!

STRONG SAD: Well, uh... if I were dying, I'd probably embrace it, but in your case, you should make a bucket list!

COACH Z: A whum—?

STRONG SAD: A list of things to do before you die! Like, skydiving, or traveling abroad!

{Coach Z bolts up, still drunk.}

COACH Z: YES! That's a great plan, Homestar! I'll... Do it. Now. Now!

{Coach Z wobbles off.}

STRONG SAD: Oh, I wish I had "the Rumplumps". Maybe it's contagious!

{Cut to Strong Badia. Coach Z walks out from behind the fence and offscreen. Strong Bad walks onscreen shortly after, followed by The Cheat.}

STRONG BAD: What was Coach Z doing here?

THE CHEAT: {confused Cheat noises}

STRONG BAD: Whatever, I—what the?!

{Strong Bad runs behind the fence. Cut to a view of the backside of the fence, where there is a large mural of Coach Z, in his glory days, catching a football and running down a football field, as a crowd of spectators cheer.}

STRONG BAD: Th—this... this is the greatest, most powerful piece of artwork I've ever seen. It speaks to me, not just as a man, but as a bystander, witnessing the miracle of human achievement...

THE CHEAT: {Cheat noises in agreement}

STRONG BAD: ... But it's kinda in the way of where I wanted my mural of me jumping the Grand Canyon on a motorbike. The Cheat!

THE CHEAT: {Cheat noises}

STRONG BAD: Get the regular paint, then the spray paint! My portrait is awaiting me!

{Cut to Marzipan's Backyard. Marzipan is watering her plants or whatever Marzipan does. Coach Z walks up to her.}

MARZIPAN: Hey, Coach! ... Where's your ankle brace?

COACH Z: Nah, I was acquitted. Anyhow, {sadly} I'm gonna die!

MARZIPAN: What? I didn't think we were jumping the shark that early!

COACH Z: Well, before I head on t'the next life, I wanna tell you something.

{Coach Z gets on one knee.}

COACH Z: Marzipan, I love you!

MARZIPAN: Yeah, I know.

COACH Z: Hooray! I've been acknowledged!

MARZIPAN: Alright, whatever. Please don't die on my property!

COACH Z: Oh, I was plannin' on going, anyhow. I've got some unfinished business...!

{Cut to Bubs' Concession Stand. Homestar is still sitting on the same chair as earlier. Coach Z walks up to the stand, looking furious. He walks up to the stand proper, slams his hands on the counter, and looks Bubs straight in the eye.}

BUBS: Hi, there, everyman! Welcome to Bubs' Chiropractor Stand! How may I straighten your spine—

COACH Z: {yelling} Enough of the talk! I'm here to take over your dang stand!

BUBS: Wait, what?!

{Coach Z jumps behind the counter and tosses Bubs out.}

COACH Z: From now on you'll be callin' me Coach Concession Stand!

BUBS: What's this about, huh? Why you takin' over my marketplace?

COACH Z: It's on my dang bucket list! See?

{Coach Z takes out a towel with words written on it in marker. One clearly visible sentence is "take over the 'session 'tand".}

BUBS: Wait, what?

COACH Z: Yeah! I'm gonna die any dang time now, and I need to seize the day!

BUBS: {nervously} Uhhh, Coach? I've, uh, kinda got good news for you.

COACH Z: {simmering down} Eh? What's that?

BUBS: You're, uh... you're not going to die.

COACH Z: {ecstatic} Oh, mercy! I'm not going to die of the Rumplump after all! I'm gonna liiiiiiiive!

BUBS: Also, uh... there's no such thing as the Rumplump.

COACH Z: Hallel— {confused} What?

BUBS: It's a dang zit, man! You can pop it or something, I don't know. I'm not a doctor!

COACH Z: So that was never—

BUBS: Yep!

COACH Z: ... and I was never gonna—

BUBS: Yep!

{Coach Z stops for a couple seconds. Suddenly, he jumps out from behind the stand and starts whaling on Bubs.}

COACH Z: {furious} I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL—

{Cut to the Locker Room. Coach Z walks in, whistling a tune. He sits down at the Crusty.}

COACH Z: {typing} Well! That was cathartic! Anyhow, I'm glad I'm not gonna die from the Rumplump. I mean, Bubs might have some internular bleeding there, but I don't think that's gonna be serious. I mean, he is a doctor! {speaking} So that's all I've got. Yep.

{The Napkin descends.}

Easter Egg

  • Click on the word Rumplump to see an extra scene.

Easter Egg Transcript

{Cut to Strong Sad's Room. He is holding a mirror. He sees his reflection and puts it down, to reveal his face is covered in acne.}

STRONG SAD: Hooray! I can't wait for my funeral!



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