Other Character Email Saargtsson/history lesson

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Contents

Overview

Saargtsson E-mail 14 - history lesson

Summary - A Kaiser that doesn't know his history causes the Really Dumb War of 20X6.

Cast (in order of appearance) - Saargtsson, Stinkoman, 1-Up, Pan-Pan, HOMbots, Chorch, Gaspeau, James the Poorbt, Fiery-Hot, Poorbts, HOMbotv2

Page Title - Three score and X-ty-six years ago...

Transcript

SAARGTSSON: Double, double, e-mail and trouble, fire burn and lava bubble.

{Again, Saargtsson pulls the e-mail up and reads it word-for-word. Why do you people not seem to get that? Is it really so necessary for me to tell you this??}

Saargtsson:
Drop off 750 Stinkodollars at Stinkoman's HQ
at 3:00 PM tomorrow or I'll send millions of HOMbots
to your hideout. This is not a joke...

Stinkoman K-I mean...Anonymous

{He pronounces "Stinkoman K-I mean" as "Stinkoman Kai-mean".}

SAARGTSSON: Hm. Well. It looks like you need a bit of a history lesson, Kaiser, because your e-mail is full of gaping history-holes. {he clears the screen and continues} First of all, everybody knows that HOMbots were all destroyed in the "HOMwar of 19X6", so I doubt you could actually get hold of even one of them, unless you were actually able to build one.

{Cut to a field where Stinkoman, 1-Up and Pan Pan stand. Most of the features of the landscape are obscured by the millions of robotic-looking Homsars running in circles around the trio.}

STINKOMAN: They seem to be requesting some form of a CHALLENGE.

HOMBOT: Eye of newt and toe of frooooog!

STINKOMAN: DOUBLE DEUUUUCE! {He leaps into the air and raises his fists, causing a flash of white light. When the light fades, all that remains of the HOMbots is a few piles of metal fragments.}

{Cut back to Saargtsson at his Fiery3X6, where the screen is once again clear.}

SAARGTSSON: {typing} Incidentally, that war only lasted a few minutes. Then there's the fact that Stinkodollars haven't been used as Planet K currency since the "Great K-Pression of 'X4". Yeah, Stinkoman got so depressed over 1-Up eating his cell phone that he stopped printing the money.

{He clears the screen again}

SAARGTSSON: Then of course, there's the fact that all my money's been melted down to lava since the "Me Existing of Some Other Year". Plus there's the "I Hate Stinkoman and Would Never Give Him Money of Forever", and the "Great Fact That Stinkoman Only Ever Made 2.36 Dollars Worth of Stinkodollars in the First Place". {no longer typing} Don't they teach you this stuff at school? What kinds of teachers are they hiring nowadays??

{Cut to 1-Up standing at a teacher's desk in a classroom. The students are not visible, but muttering can be heard. On the black board behind 1-Up is written "Professor Puddi1-Up".}

1-UP: Welcome to Planet K history, 101. We're going to start today's history lesson from the very beginning. In the beginning... {the camera zooms in on his face before he says his next line} there was Pudding.

{Cut back to the Fiery3X6. Saargtsson has not deleted his previous text, and does not type as he continues to talk.}

SAARGTSSON: That answers one question... and yet raises so many more. {he shudders} Man, watching that clip make me want to like... throw Gaspeau. At Chorch. And down a cliff. In fact, now that I'm done with this little History extra help lesson, I think I'll go do that now. So, so much for your empty threat, Stinkaiser.

{He gets up and leaves. Cut to a cliff scene in the Lava Zone (you can tell by the stone walls and lava falls in the background). A sign next to the cliff reads "WARNING: LOW GROUND AHEAD". Gaspeau and Chorch are standing next to the cliff, talking to Saargtsson.}

GASPEAU: So... tell me again how this "Saargball" works?

SAARGTSSON: Look, you don't need to understand how it works, you just need to know that all the cool nonslobs are more than likely doing it.

CHORCH: I just don't get how throwing us off a cliff means you win the game.

SAARGTSSON: Listen, people are tossing you two off cliffs the world over right this very minute! Do you want to join them or not?

CHORCH: Well, when you put it that way... {to Gaspeau} we'd better get down there, dude.

GASPEAU: I'm... hesitant.

{As he says this, a Poorbt with a blue fist walks on.}

JAMES THE POORBT: {quickly} Sir-gtsson! Our radar reports are detecting the prescence of foreign objects within our premises!

SAARGTSSON: ...I have no idea what you just said, but it sure sounds important.

JAMES THE POORBT: There are between zero and thirty one thousand, nine hundred and eighty-two invaders here and they're coming towards your house.

SAARGTSSON: Whoa! Really?! ...Uh-oh... um, they couldn't possibly be...

JAMES THE POORBT: The army appears to be made entirely of HOMbots.

{Saargtsson jumps, and Gaspeau and Chorch, startled, fall of the cliff as he talks.}

SAARGTSSON: Oh, NO! It's just as I feared since about five seconds ago! The Evil Kaiserman has suceeded in creating the HOMbotv2!! Thank the Master you got me this information as quickly as you did, Poorbt Jerome.

JAMES THE POORBT: Well, you're welc... wait a minute, my name's James. Jerome's at home.

SAARGTSSON: Jerome's at home? Is he with Joan?

POORBT: Joan's been pwned, Jerome's with Simone.

SAARGTSSON: A HOMbot's pwned Joan before she could get home?

JAMES THE POORBT: Yes, Joan got pwned and Jerome's at home being disowned by Simone.

SAARGTSSON: Wait... what were we talking about again? You know what, just tell everyone to assume battle formation one.

JAMES THE POORBT: Formation one? Is that the one with the guns?

SAARGTSSON: ...Shut up.

{Cut to the Lava Zone. Saargtsson's house can be seen in the distance, barely obscured by Saargtsson, Fiery-Hot and seven or eight Poorbts. James can be seen with them.}

SAARGTSSON: Okay, is everyone ready? The Kaiser's army will be here any minute. Fiery-Hot?

FIERY-HOT: I'm hot, fresh and just for you. ...I mean, ready.

SAARGTSSON: James, Simone, Jerome and other Poorbts whose names I don't feel like saying?

JAMES THE POORBT: We're ready, Freddy.

SAARGTSSON: I'm SAARGTSSON. Let's see you rhyme that one. Chorch? Gaspeau? Do you two have our intricate battle plan ready?

{There is a short pause.}

FIERY-HOT: Uh, they're still at the bottom of the cliff.

SAARGTSSON: Oh. Well, how important is a strategy anyway?

FIERY-HOT: ...Kinda.

SAARGTSSON: We'll improvise, okay? Just shut up. I see something coming on the horizon...

{The camera shifts to a view of the horizon. A silhouette gets closer and closer to the screen until fully visible; a weird, wiggling sound plays as it walks. The figure is revealed as looking exactly like Homsar.}

{There is a pause as the HOMbot stands there, and the camera then shifts back to Saargtsson and his army, all of whom have 'what the crap' looks on their faces.}

FIERY-HOT: Dude, there's only one?!

JAMES THE POORBT: Well, I did say there was between zero and some other number... I just didn't say how many.

SAARGTSSON: But the e-mail said millions of HOMbots!

ANOTHER POORBT: Technically, this is .000001 million HOMbots.

SAARGTSSON: ...What.

HOMBOT: It's the Boom Bassa Boom festivaaaaaal!

{There is a long pause}

FIERY-HOT: So, is something going to happen?

{Cut back to the HOMbot, whose eyes suddenly glow red. It shoots a laser, completely vaporizing one of the Poorbts, leaving nothing but a black smudge on the ground.}

JAMES THE POORBT: Oh no, now Joan and Jermone have both been pwned!

SAARGTSSON: I can only hope you're next. SHUT UP AND FIGHT!!

FIERY-HOT: {As the others begin to leap at the HOMbot} This might be less dangerous if we had more experience in battle than playing Chambers of Imprisonment and Reptilian, Fire-Breathing Creatures of Yore!

{He proceeds to blow fire at the HOMbot, which responds by spinning and firing lasers in every direction. A cloud of dust is raised, and all that can be heard is laser fire, punching, burning, and the classic Homsar scream.}

SAARGTSSON: Use your weapons, they are designed to inflict damage!

{The camera zooms out so that a long, rocky platform is visible over the fight scene, its layout exactly like that of Level 4 of the Stinkoman 20X6 game. Stinkoman walks by, and looks down at the fight scene below.}

STINKOMAN: {jumping} WHOOOOA! A HOMbot. I totally challenged all thems away back in 18X6. Or was it 19X6? I probably shouldn't have been playing my Gamestar Runner during 1-Up's history lesson...

{He walks away, and after a few moments reappears on the platform on the bottom, right next to where the fight is occuring.}

STINKOMAN: {leaping into the air as his fists glow} 19X6 DEUUUUCE!

{The screen flashes white in the exact same manner as it did in the beginning of the e-mail, and when the white fades, all that remains of the HOMbot is its head.}

HOMBOT: {its voice is warped and fuzzy like a bad microphone} Y, R, P, the scalpers three!

FIERY-HOT: Um, did we just get rescued by Stinkoman?

SAARGTSSON: No way, that HOMbot was just a head way before that dust cloud disappeared.

STINKOMAN: You're welcome, Lave Snake! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to CHALLENGE back my lucky power-up from Saargtsson, whoever that is.

{Stinkoman walks off, reading a copy of the Stinkomanual and mumbling about equal opportunity employers. Everybody stares at him wordlessly for a few seconds.}

HOMBOT: {In the same warped manner} Chicken feet is not a meat!

{Cut back once more to Saargtsson at his Fiery3X6, where the screen is once again clear.}

SAARGTSSON: {typing} Well... that was probably the stupidest battle in the history of Planet K. But at least it might convince people to pay attention in history class. And at least I got one good thing out of it: We got to mount that HOMbot's head on my wall.

{The camera pans left to reveal a plaque with the inscription "The H'Bot, Yo." written beneath the HOMbot's head.}

SAARGTSSON: {no longer typing} And when you walk by, it sings for you!

{The Paper comes down, reading "Buy one now for just 750 Stinkodollars! E-mail Saargtsson for details."}

Easter Eggs

  • Click on the HOMbot's head and it will say "Take me to the river! Drop me in the water!" in the same warped voice as before.
  • Click on the words "history class" to see Lesson 2 of 1-Up's class.

{Cut to the classroom where 1-Up is standing in front of the blackboard with a wooden pointer. The board now reads "Lesson 2".

1-UP: And now, class, if you will all turn off your Gamestar Runners and turn to page 1337, "The Really Dumb War of 20X6."

  • Click on the the word "stupidest" to see James and some of his friends trying to rhyme Saargtsson's name.

JAMES THE POORBT: How about "Argh-it-buuuuu...arns?"

ANOTHER POORBT: No, that sucks. What about "Target Blonde?"

ANOTHER OTHER POORBT: Is that even how you PRONOUNCE his name?

  • Click on Saargtsson's head to see the fates of Chorch and Gaspeau.

{Cut to the cliff scene from earlier in the e-mail. No one is there. The wind blows. A Fundlake rolls by.}

CHORCH: {voice echoes from the bottom of the canyon} Little help down here? Maybe some lunchables? Or a juice box?

GASPEAU: {voice does not echo} You realize that this "cliff" is only three feet high and we can float.

CHORCH: {voice no longer echoing} I just wanted to be dramatic...

Fun Facts

  • This is the first e-mail in which a Stinkoman enemy has been given an actual name.
  • I pronounce Saargtsson's name "Sar-git-son" just so all y'all's know.
  • The title of the page is taken from Abe Lincoln's Gettysburg Address.
  • Saargtsson's e-mail song is a parody of a line from the Shakespearian play Macbeth.
    • The HOMbot line "Eye of newt and toe of frog" is also a line from that play.
  • Stinkoman's Double Deuce attack is a joke from teh homestarr webbsight.
  • Stinkoman mentions he has a cell phone in Marzipan's Answering Machine 8.
  • Saargtsson must once again remind his readers that his money has been melted down into lava, which he did most recently in master plan and originally in lava.
  • "That answers one question, yet raises so many more" is a joke from The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy.
  • Gaspeau saying "I'm... hesitant" is exactly what What's her Face said when asked to jump into a lion's mouth in TGS Episode 6.
  • "Hot, Fresh and Just for you" is one of the catch phrases of the restaurant McDonald's.
  • The HOMbot walking up to the screen and making a wiggling noise is exactly what Homsar did in for kids.
  • "The Boom Bassa Boom Festival" is a song that a character from Paper Mario The Thousand Year Door sang.
  • "Chambers of Imprisonment and Reptilian, Fire-Breathing Creatures of Yore" is a joke from nebulon.
  • Saargtsson yelling "use your weapons, they are designed to inflict damage!" is yet another joke I ripped from 8-Bit Theater.
  • The Gamestar Runner was first seen in zyves.
  • "Y, R, P, The Scalpers Three!" is the name of a mission from Final Fantasy X-2.
  • Saargtsson was first called "Lave Snake" in prank mail.
  • The HOMbot head on the wall is a parody of the Big Mouth Billy Bass toy.
    • The fact that it sings when someone walks by is something the Billy Bass does.
    • "Take me to the river! Drop me in the water!" is one of the songs the bass sang.
  • A Fundlake rolling by was also used in nebulon.
  • "Little help down here? Maybe some lunchables? Or a juice box?" Is a direct line from TGS Episode 4 in which So and So fell down a bottomless pit and requested some food to be thrown down with her.

Links

Retrieved from "http://fanstuff.hrwiki.org/wiki/Other_Character_Email_Saargtsson/history_lesson"