Other Character Email Saargtsson/history

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Contents

Overview

Saargtsson e-mail 5 - history

Summary - Saargtsson tells Michelle about his made-up history.

Cast (in order of appearance) - Saargtsson, Baby Saargtsson, Football Team, Fiery-Hot (easter egg), Delivery Guy (easter egg)

Page Title - Hot n' Fiery, 3X6 - style.

Transcript

SAARGTSSON: {while typing "total_saargmail.exe"} There once was a man from Peru, who ate 32 caribou. When he reached thirty-three, he shrieked with much glee, and... um... then I checked my e-mail. {He pulls the e-mail up on screen and reads it}

Dear Saargtsson,

What is your history? How did
you become what you are today?

-Mitchell Smith, Australia

SAARGTSSON: {He pronounces "Mitchell" as "Michelle"} Oh, hey, I've read this question before. Haven't you been sending this e-mail to a bunch of people, Michelle? ...Oh, wait, you've been sending the same message to millions of people?! Is this one of those e-mails where they track your credit card number and then buy leather clothes with it?!!! ...Okay, okay, calm down... I'll just run one of those spybot checks while I check my e-mail.

{He clears the screen, types "run_spybot_check.exe", and presses enter. The screen clears again, and a little progress bar appears at the top of the screen and slowly shows the progress of the scan as Saargtsson answers the e-mail.}

SAARGTSSON: So... my history. How I became the successful and evil owner of my sprawling power crunch garden, huh? Well, it all started with my first power crunch ever obtained!

{Cut to a scene that looks very much like a poorly drawn cartoon, done in a style similar to Teen Girl Squad and Powered By The Cheat. A larva-type-thing that looks like Saargtsson is making screeching, crying sounds while lying in a snowy field.}

SAARGTSSON VOICE OVER: It all started when I was a little baby... um, whatever that thing is. I was orphaned in the Ice World by my parents... who I'm sure were very loving and very poor and abandoned me so that I would have more of a chance at a better life because they couldn't offer me one, and it had NOTHING to do with how hideous I was... er, I mean-

{The baby cries particularly loudly, looking annoyed.}

SAARGTSSON VOICE OVER: Oh, right. So anyawy, yeah, I was abandoned, and then I got to the Lava World... some... how... {Baby Saargtsson stops crying and looks around, confused.} Um, I think it had something to do with me and a million dollar winning football team... {As he says this, Baby Saargtsson suddenly is wearing a football uniform and helmet, and a bunch of football players appear beside him} And, uh, then I became the homecoming king... {A crown appears on Baby Saargtsson's head} No! The homecoming grand high overlord! {Baby Saargtsson's crowd gets bigger and a scepter and robes appear on him} Yeah, and then we rode in my limo... {A limo appears, and everyone gets in it.} No! My jet plane! {The limo becomes a jet} NO, no! My jet-powered-limo! {The jet becomes a limo with jets on the back and a huge engine and wings} And then we went on a WORLDWIDE CRUISE!!!

{The limo flies off and we can see it circling the globe as Saargtsson talks}

SAARGTSSON VOICE OVER: Now, I'll bet you guys are wondering at what point the Power Crunch comes in... well, I'm about to make that part up, too, so shut up and listen. So, anyway, while we were floating above the lava zone... {The limo freezes over one point on the globe} ...Uh... we got hit by a rogue comet! {A comet smashes into the car and it starts falling} We went plummeting to the earth! Fortunately, my teammates managed to escape, but there weren't enough parachutes!!! {We see the football players parachute out while Saargtsson is left in the falling car} Suddenly, we landed in MOLTEN LAVA!!! {The car lands in lava, completely submerged. After a few moments, Saargtsson floats up from out of the lava, unharmed.} Everything in the car melted, except for me! You know why? ...Um, me neither. Anyway, all of a sudden the pieces of the comet fell, too! {We see a bunch of rocks fall on top of each other, The first shaped like a pedestal, the second like a cushion and the third like a big Power Crunch. Rays of light shoot from it and an angelic chorus can be heard.} They created a shrine to the Power Crunch spirits!!!

{Cut back to Saargtsson's computer, where the progress bar is almost full}

SAARGTSSON: It was then decided that I would collect power crunches in honor of the crunchy forces that saved my life. So, I started answering e-mails and charging for it! And I'm sure that at some point or another, I met Stinkoman, Fiery-Hot, and somehow became the Lava World boss, but I can't animate all of that. So I'll just collect the two power crunches you owe me now, Michelle...

{The progress bar fills and the computer makes a dinging sound, displaying a message:}

SPYBOT SCAN CHECK:
Michelle = In your bank account.
You better go stop him.

SAARGTSSON: Oh, CRAP! Michelle, I'll have to collect those Power Crunches later, I need to breathe lasers on you at the bank! Bye, everybody! {He runs off, and the paper comes down, reading: "All hail the mighty Power Crunch! E-mail Saargtsson, too.}

Easter Eggs

  • Click on Baby Saargtsson while he's talking about his parents to see what they might look like (I didn't bother making that up, so I'm not gonna describe them :-P)
  • Click on Saargtsson while he's wearing his crown, robes and scepter and his royal clothes will change design.
  • Click on the Power Crunch Shrine to see it glow and hear the angelic chorus again
  • Click on "bank" to see what happened to Saargtsson's bank account:

{Cut to Saargtsson's house, where Fiery-Hot is reading a newspaper next to the front door. The doorbell rings after a few moments, and Fiery-Hot answers it. A Delivery Guy is carrying a bunch of leather clothes.}

DELIVERY GUY: Delivery for a... {He checks his clipboard} Saygeritsoon?

FIERY-HOT: Um, I'll take it for him... {yelling} Hey, Saargtsson! Did you order a leather ensemble or something?

Fun Facts

  • The e-mail song at the beginning is a play on all those lymericks about a guy from Peru.
  • Saargtsson talking about the e-mail tracking his credit card is a reference to spam e-mails with tracking viruses in them
    • Also, all the references to buying leather clothes with it is a reference to those identity theft protection commercials... you know, the ones where the people talk with someone else's voice about all the stuff they bought.

Links


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