Other Character Email Ice Machine/pun

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Contents

Synopsis

The Almighty Fridge In: pun - To annoy is to regret!

An Ice Machine is in prison. He's going to kill you in the br- ice.

Cast (in order of appearance): Shadowy Figure, Green Visor Robot, Visor Robot #1, Visor Robot #2, An Ice Machine, Guard, Lieutenant Jaro, The "Boss", Joey the Otaku Chorch, Guard #2

Page Title: Star Wars Episode XI - The Snow Pun's Retaliation

227(147) LINES, DUDETTE! NO EASTER EGGS LINESES INCLUDED, DAWGETTE. SPACES IS INCLUDED?!!

Transcript

Previously, on An Ice Machine emails, a conspiracy was brewing between Red Button Ice Land and the Ice Zone. Little did An Ice Machine know that the conspiracy was about him and his former owners. The past of this supercomputational megalomaniacal ice-pun machine unfolds in these next several emails…
Somewhere in Red Button Ice Land…

{Fade in to SINISTECH INC. We close in on the front door as the Shadowy Figure from the Stinkoman 20X6 game walks up to it and knocks twice. After a few seconds, he knocks down the door with his foot and runs inside. At the front desk of the lobby is a green Visor Robot. The Shadowy Figure grabs the green Visor Robot by its non-existant neck.}

SHADOWY FIGURE: {makes fist at Visor Robot} I’ll give you five seconds to give me the blueprints to Metal Gear K.

GREEN VISOR ROBOT: Sir, I don’t know of this Metal Gear K.

SHADOWY FIGURE: {holds fist closer} And WHY not?

GREEN VISOR ROBOT: Seriously, the workers don’t let me get access to the top secret stuff. I’m forced to work as the nice and happy counter person who will direct you to various places. They treat me cruel and unhapsly.

SHADOWY FIGURE: Is that even a word?

GREEN VISOR ROBOT: Not exactly.

SHADOWY FIGURE: {shoves green Visor Robot to the ground} I’ll just have to find it the hard way then. {walks off}

GREEN VISOR ROBOT: {puts hand on the counter limply} You…forgot…your…free brochurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre…

{Pan to the hallway next to the counter. The Shadowy Figure walks down a hallway and rounds a corner. Two smaller Visor Robots with hard hats have their backs to the Shadowy Figure. One of them is holding what seems to be a copy of a blueprint, which is highlighted by a close-up and surprise lines, and a DONK! Noise.}

SHADOWY FIGURE: Aha! So that is a copy of the blueprint…

VISOR ROBOT #1: Hey, did you hear about the one about two guys walking into a bar, the third one ducking and the fourth one jumping over it so that he can stay sober?

VISOR ROBOT #2: Duuuuuuuude, not cool.

VISOR ROBOT #1: What? It’s a joke. Do you even understand jokes?

VISOR ROBOT #2: Well, I heard one about the pencil and the pen...

{The Shadowy Figure tiptopes behind Visor Robot #1 and slips the blueprints from his arm sleeve.}

SHADOWY FIGURE: Yoink!

{The Shadowy Figure rolls backwards and jumps around the corner as the two Visor Robots turn around.}

VISOR ROBOT #1: What was that?

VISOR ROBOT #2: I don’t know.

VISOR ROBOT #1: {facing Visor Robot #2} You know, you had the perfect opportunity to crack a joke there.

VISOR ROBOT #2: How do you crack a joke, per sé?

{Cut to behind the Front Lobby Counter. The Shadowy Figure is reading the copy of the blueprints. Close-up on the blueprints. They reveal a partially deformed An Ice Machine, with unclear annotations.}

SHADOWY FIGURE: Something tells me that I should sue this company…

{Everything fades to white. Abruptly cut to An Ice Machine’s face, with his eyes closed shut.}

ICE MACHINE: {snoring} Ungh…pizza pie…deep dish tender crisp Pffeferneuse, grngh…{opens eyes} Wha? Dozing off. Not good for the supercomputational body.

{A view of a near-dank cell. Water is dripping and leaking from rotting cracks. One of the walls is guarded with a solid laser barrier.

ICE MACHINE: {looking at barrier} …haxors.

{Everything fades to white again. We then cut to a greyscale tundra covered in snow. A blizzard is blowing. An Ice Machine is halfway inserted in the snow, upside-down, his eyes not showing.}

???: Ice Machine…

{The Shadowy Figure appears out of the blizzardous fog and slowly approaches An Ice Machine.}

SHADOWY FIGURE: Ice Machine…

{Flash, then we cut back to the near-dank cell. An Ice Machine is pacing back and forth slowly, trying to figure a way out of his cell.}

ICE MACHINE: Alright, let’s see…there is a laser barrier to my left, {quick shot of laser barrier} and a cracked wall in detail to my right, {quick shot of cracked wall in detail} and a book deposit in front of me, {quick shot of book deposit labeled “YOUR MOM GOES HERE”} and a bench behind me, {quick shot of bench} what’s An Ice Machine to do?

{Suddenly, a clanking noise is heard, and a folded FreezyKey, which is somehow still dented, falls from the book deposit onto the ground. An Ice Machine quickly walks up to it and picks it up with nonexistent hands.}

ICE MACHINE: Ah! FreezyKey! I pinICEd for you…for like, six minutes. {walks to bench but still stands up} I’m glad to have you back, Mr. Freezington. {opens up FreezyKey and boots it up, the MS-DOS prompt shows up, An Ice Machine types in “c://program files/Ice Machine Email V1.5”} Now let’s check an email…with frozenability! {brings up email}

ICE MACHINE: What? I was like, supposed to receive this email like, two hours ago. And your pun is so bad. It angers my eyes. Which are weak. Anyways, uh, Fred, you should probably shut up. Cause I am about to-

{A flashlight shines on An Ice Machine.}

GUARD: Hold it right there! Or should I say, freeze it right there!

{The guard is actually a Jaro wearing a Greek Fisher Hat, with a flashlight and a flamethrower}

GUARD: Hahahahahaha, oh, {falls over backwards} these ice puns are so cool.

{Cut to An Ice Machine’s face. His eyebrows slowly start to bend down, to the point where he is annoyed.}

GUARD: And you dumbice? Ohhohohohohoho!!! I love that one! It will freeze me to death! Wahahahahahahahaha!!!

{Abruptly pan out as An Ice Machine’s eyes turn red.}

ICE MACHINE: WHY I OUGHTA-

{An Ice Machine jumps at the laser barrier in his anger, and unfortunately collides against it in a flurry of flaky yellow paint. He falls down, blokeded.}

GUARD: What’s the matter, freezyking, scared you’re getting the bad case of copyright infringement…ice? Boohohohohohoho!!! {rolls over}

ICE MACHINE: {gets up} Ugh, this is the worst mockery of me ever. I should probably shut this guy up. {close up} But how?

GUARD: I’ll tell you how! I mean, snow! Muhahahahahahahehehehehehee-teedle-toodlies!!!

ICE MACHINE: Grumbling…freezing…thawing…burning…boiling…SEETHING…{lightbulb appears over his head as a “ding” is heard} I got it! I…oh, wait, I forgot. {same thing happens again} I got it again! All I need to do is…well…create a hole in the ceiling…and use my snowy skills to get me the crap out of here. {grabs FreezyKey and opens top hatch} An Icicle, away!!! {shoots three icicles at ceiling, which causes a hole in the center, and the rubble falls around An Ice Machine} Alright, now let’s jump out of here and not…make…anymore ice puns.

{With that, An Ice Machine sucks some air in, then in a quick gust of cold wind, jumps through the hole. Pan to the Guard Jaro. He is still laughing.}

GUARD: …and…and…{bursting in laughter hysterically} Oh, goodness, I can’t think of the cold possibilities I can think of! I-

{Suddenly, he stops laughing and rolling over as rubble falls on top of him, followed by An Ice Machine with his FreezyKey.}

ICE MACHINE: Now to get out of hereice. Dangit, stop making puns!

{An Ice Machine quickly hops off-screen to the left. Cut to a small room with lots of flashing control panels. A Jaro with a “I’M #GOOGOLPLEX” baseball cap is monitoring one of the control panels and their respective TV monitors. Suddenly, the background door swings open, and the Mysterious Silhouette comes in.}

MYSTERIOUS SILHOUETTE: Alright, Lieutenant Jaro, where’s the first 150 episodes of Naruto?

LIEUTENTANT JARO: {turns around to face the “Boss”} Boss, uh, well, somebody’s watching it now.

MYSTERIOUS SILHOUETTE: WHAT?! WHERE?!

LIEUTENANT JARO: I’m afraid somebody’s being forced to watch it in the SINISTECH BRAND TORTURE ROOM.

MYSTERIOUS SILHOUETTE: But I never gave them clearance! Unless…

{Cut to a purple-walled room, which is dark, except for an old film projector sitting on a small table. Joey is tied to a chair with ectoplasmic chains tying his hands around the back of it. He currently looks beaten up and rusty. A Jaro with a yellow Fedora is standing next to him with a tennis racket which is labeled “SECONDARY OTAKU TORTURING DEVICE”. }

JOEY: Uh, you call this torture? I’m actually enjoying this Mike B. Nelson inspired moment.

GUARD #2: Trust me, you’re going to actually hate One Piece.

JOEY: Which one, the English dubbed version, or the, uh, purely Japanese and very cheesy one?

GUARD #2: Don’t make me mutilate you.

JOEY: {sits upright suddenly} Yes sir. {pause} I-

GUARD #2: {waves racket menacingly} I SAID DON’T MAKE ME MUTILATE YOU!!!

JOEY: Shut up.

{A short, dramatic 8-bit clip of music plays as the words “GAME OVER” are displayed. As the music stops, the email anicemachine@redbuttonspies.com appears.}

Easter Eggs

  • Click on the Guard near An Ice Machine's prison while he's laughing to turn him into these things in this order: an icicle, a box of tissues, An Ice Machine, a Chorch, Ol' Bubba, and finally the Guard himself.
  • Click on Joey at the end to extend the conversation.

JOEY: So...when am I going to get out of here?

GUARD #2: Well, in thirty minutes we'll crush your Tortilla Manganoid and feed it to the rabid pagan Pig Sty Wolves, and in thirty minutes and a nanosecond we'll release you from this horrible torture.

JOEY: Whew, that's a- {record scratch} Wait a minut-

GUARD #2: {smashes Joey with the tennis racket} SHUT UP AND DON'T MAKE ME MUTILATE YOU AGAIN!!!

JOEY: {cowardice} Yes...sir.

Fun Facts

Trivia

  • The torture room was inspired by my friend "ProZD Koopa", who loves Naruto. *hug?*

Real-World References

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